Something To Talk About

"Hey,” Ryan’s raspy, deeper than usual, voice came, startling me out of the trance I’d been in for the better part of the morning.

I was on the dirty balcony, curled up on a rusty old folding lawn chair (the rickety chair had been left by the apartments previous occupants, unwanted or forgotten), wrapped in one of the blankets off of what should have been his bed.

It was only the third time I’d been out on the balcony in the year and a half I’d lived there, since the only view was the convenient store across the street and the shady apartments above it.

Ryan’s head poked out of the sliding door and jumped in my seat, causing it to creak.

“Oh, hi,” I breathed and Ryan slipped through the open door, fully dressed, joining me and I realized that I still had no idea what to say to him after the night before.

“So, um... ” He leaned against the railing, facing me and crossed his arms, also trying to think of something to say.

I squinted up at him in the morning sunshine and sucked in some cool air.

“How... are you?” He asked finally, sounding hesitant and unsure, but I could see at least a little bit of hope in his expression.

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

My chest suddenly felt constricted and I could feel my hands beginning to shake because of his presence. I quickly averted my eyes and looked down onto the street, taking another deep breath to calm myself.

He crouched down in front of me and took my hand.

“Danya,” He pleaded softly, but I still couldn’t look him in the eyes, instead, letting my line of vision rest on our intertwined hands, “I think I owe you and apology.”

That caught my attention, and I glanced up at him for a minute but the sincerity in his look scared me, so I hastily tore myself out of his honest gaze, safely fixating once again on our hands.

“I just want you to know that I’m sorry for always showing up here, for being such a burden to you all the time,” His words came out slowly and hushed as though he was seriously thinking them through, and as if they pained him to say, “I shouldn’t be doing this to you, dragging you into my problems. It was wrong of me. And uh...also for...last night...”

I pulled my hands out of his and closed my eyes.

“I uhh...” He let out a breath and when I looked at him again he had sat down on the balcony, pulled his knees up to his chest and was looking into the sky with and expression of total devastation.

“I made you cheat on Jon,” He choked out, “I’m so sorry...”

“Ryan,” I sighed leaning forward, “Jon and I aren’t together.”

He sent me a confused glance and waited for me to explain.

“We’re not soulmates, we’re just friends,” I studied him briefly, adding, “I thought you knew me better than to think I would cheat on someone...”

“Well,” He said after some thought, “I didn’t really think you were the kind of girl who would sleep with someone they weren’t in love with, either.”

I looked up at him and couldn’t help but stare at him in disbelief. My mouth fell open and couldn’t speak for a moment out of shock that he would say something like that to me.

“I... I’m not that kind of girl...” I managed to sputter and a blush rose instantly onto Ryan’s cheeks , making it obvious that he both regretted what he’d said, and understood what I’d meant with my response.

It was true though. After not sleeping all night and having that time to think things through, I had realized, or at least accepted, that I had completely, yet accidentally, fallen in love with Ryan.

“You... You mean you...” Ryan was sputtering now, and I started to wig out.

“I think you should go,” I told him, suddenly on the verge of tears, and stood up causing the lawn chair to groan its disapproval.

“What?” He jumped up, following me back into my apartment, “Danya...”

“Please Ryan,” I begged him, “Please go. I can’t do this right now.”

“No,” He stopped me, giving my arm a tug, “You cannot say something like that to a person then make them leave. I need to know if you meant that.”

I pulled my arm out of his grasp, beginning to cry and shook my head, “Please don’t touch me right now...”

“Danya...” He furrowed his brow and looked at me like he was trying to understand, asking softly, “Why are you being this way? What’s going on with you...?”

“I don’t know...” I interrupted, “I don’t know, I’m just... We shouldn’t have done that, Ryan. You don’t love me and we shouldn’t have done that, and I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now...”

I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my sweatshirt and sniffled, but when Ryan came close to try and comfort me, I squirmed away again.

“That’s not true, Danya,” He swore, but looked hurt that I couldn’t even be near him, “I do love you. I was just scared of it because I was supposed to love her, but you came along, and I knew from that first night that you were different. I should have told you sooner. I should have ended things with Keltie ages ago, and we should have been together.”

I was hugging myself as I tried with no success to hold in my tears.

“I’m sorry about last night,” He sighed, “Maybe that wasn’t the best idea. It was too soon and it shouldn’t have happened like that...”

He closed the gap I had created between us and gently touched my cheek.

“Ryan,” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“I need you Danya,” He whispered to me, and when I forced myself to look at him again, he leaned down and gently placed a kiss on my lips, “I love you.”

I bit my lip, and shook my head again, “I need you to leave.”

He stood there for a few moments, looking absolutely crushed, but eventually he forced the weakest smile onto his face, nodded, reached for his hat and left me standing in my living room alone, without another word.