Something To Talk About

"Ryan!" Jon bellowed into the appartment from the door.

"What?" Ryan's voicecalled back from somewhere up the stairs.

"Come here!" He ordered obnoxiously.

"What? Why?"

"Just come here!" Jon demanded and we heard loud, annoyed footsteps coming through the ceiling, towards the stairs.

"I'll call you later..." Jon whispered to me, kissed me on the cheek, and let himself out, leaving me standing alone in Ryan's appartment.

"What the fuck do you wa-"

Ryan came into view, stopping midsentence and midstep at the sight of me. His expression quickly changing from irritation to complete shock, then melting eventually into loving concern.

"Danya," His voice broke and he started towards me, but when I stepped back, unsure, he stopped where he was.

Unfaltering, he continued to speak, "What are you doing here...are you alright?"

I nodded slowly, breathing, "I uh... I think so."

"Do um," He asked timidly, "Do you want to come in?"

I hesitated at first,then he smiled at me hopefully, and shrugged, offering me a barstool which I took. Ryan stayed standing.

"I've been a bit of a wreck..." He admitted scratching his head and I noticed how greasy his hair looked, "I just didn't mean for things to happen the way they did."

I nodded, frowning, "I know..."

"And um, I mean, I knew it was too soon, but..." He stopped at the reproachful look I shot him, then tried to continue, "I never meant to hurt you..."

I reached out, grasping his hand softly in mine, and I could tell it suprised him.

"I know, Ryan," I looked up at him, ignoring the stinging sensation in the corners of my eyes and trying not to picture the night in question, "It just scared me..."

He sat down on the bar stool next to me, waiting for me to say more, ready to listen.

"I didn't know what it meant," I whispered, " I had one boyfriend all through highschool, and we were together for 3 years before we..."

Ryan's gaze fell to the marble counter top and he bobbed his head.

"And um... I've just never felt so many emotions for someone all at once, and its still kind of really freaking me out," I confessed, "Especially because I still dont know what it all really means..."

"If you had answered the phone..."

"I know," I sighed feeling quite awkward and sheepish, "I should have called you back. I should have answered the phone. I probably shouldn't have made you leave in the first place..."

"Its okay. You were scared," He shook his head, "And I don't blame you. It scared me too..."

There was a long pause where Ryan and I just sat, holding hands, unsure of what to say next.

"So, dont take this the wrong way, but you kind of look like shit, Danya," He glanced over at me, the tiniest hint of faux malice in his expression.

"Because there areso many ways that can be taken," I quipped, feigning offense and couldn't help but notice again just how dirty his hair was, "Besides, its pretty obvious that you haven't showered in a few days, yourself. What would all your fans say if they could see you now?"

"Hey, man. When we first started, showering wasn't a top priorety on any of our lists, and they still liked me back then, so..."

"Except now all your novelty has worn off and you have to fall back on man scarves and silly vests..."

"I'm sorry, did you just dis my fashion sense?" He scoffed.

"Fashion NONsense," I looked him up and down, but Ryan just sighed and smiled sadly at me.

"You know, I really do love you, Danya," He managed softly after a minute, "I wasn't just saying that because I felt like I was supposed to. I meant it."

I looked over at him and he was waiting for me to respond, but I just nodded slowly. He glanced away for a minute, but when he returned my stare again, the vulnerability I could see in him broke my heart.

"So when you said you weren't the kind of girl who slept with guys she wasn't in love with...?"
He swallowed, "You didn't mean... I uh... You dont love me back, do you?"

My breath caught in my chest at the sight of him, laying his heart down in fron of me, hoping I wouldn't laugh in his face or smash it into a million pieces.

As I looked into his desperate brown eyes, the sincerity of the moment was almost tangible. Inspired by Ryan's courage I cleared my throat and tried again.

"Of course I do, Ryan." I swore.

I thought to myself that this would have been the moment in the movies where the music swelled and Ryan pulled me into his arms to kiss me passionately, everything somehow working out perfectly, us being together until the day we died like Allie and Noah.

Only it wasn't a romantic comedy, so instead of a string-section crescendo, Ryan heaved a heavy sigh and frowned.

"We leave tomorrow for at least 3 months," He replied darkly, pulling his gaze up to meet mine.

I shook my head, looking at the floor and when I closed my eyes, a few salty tears fell into my lap, being immediately absorbed by my well worn and tattered blue jeans.

"Danya..."

I finally looked up at him, sliding my hand around the back of his neck, whispering, "A rockstars job is never done."

I leaned forward, placing what I hoped wouln't be a last kiss onto his confused lips, and drew in a deep breath, "I hope you find me when this isall over."

I reluctantly let him go, and slid off my barstool, and on the way out the door, turned back, and took a pretend picture of him sitting stunned at the counter with an invisible camera exactly like Kirtsen Dunst's character had done in Elizabethtown.

"I'll never forget you Ryan," I managed to say and looked away before I had time to analyze his expression, escaping into the stairwell, down to ground level and out into the desert without another word.

I didn't know where I was going but was only concerned with putting one foot in front of the other. As I concentrated, though, I couldn't shake the feeling that no matter how far my feet carried me away from him, that somehow a part of Ryan would always be with me wherever I went.