Untitled
Self-Loathing
The blue lights flashed through Madi’s bedroom window, bathing her face with pale light as she watched the commotion in the streets below. Two police cruisers were parked in the road, their doors open to protect the officers behind them. They had their guns drawn and were yelling into the woods ahead of them. Ira’s wife called the police when she saw a group of people standing in front of her house. She knew what they were after. She knew that they wanted her daughter.
Anika was haunted with the fact that there was no way she could protect Madi the way she wished she could. Ira told her not to go near Madi because she was too unstable in her condition. The only thing Anika could do is sit there and pray her daughter was safe, and hope that her husband could protect them from what was coming their way. Ira was with the cops in the driveway, standing with Jeb. Madi hated Jeb.
The two of them would always talk about her well-being and it pissed her off. More recently, they would talk about her in secret, stopping whenever she would enter the room. She could hear the men talking right now. It was bizarre because it sounded as if they were standing right next to her. She didn’t understand it and wanted it to stop. She tried to block it out, but it was useless. She listened in, hoping to hear anything…anything but her name. Any mention of her only meant bad things. But they were at the scene. They had to know something. She froze. What did they know? What the hell did her father say to them?
“…wasn’t any sign of her, Detective. But all her friends were there. Is she gone?” the first voice asked, sounding concerned, but not really meaning it.
“Asshole,” said Madi, punching her windowsill. Immediately, her father looked up, followed by other glances. Madi hid behind her curtain, praying no one saw her.
“No, she’s here,” her father answered, moving his eyes back to the woods, quickly skimming over the landscape. Jeb noted the unease in Ira’s voice. He slid over to where his friend was slouched over and awkwardly patted him on the shoulder.
“Well, that’s good. Thank God she wasn’t caught in that…that catastrophe downtown.” Madi snuck a quick look out her window, watching Jeb put his hand on her father. Suddenly, Madi’s body began to shake with fury. She could feel her muscles contracting, her body aching to reach down and rip Jeb’s head off. She closed her eyes and tried to calm down, taking deep breaths.
“No! Don’t get angry! You remember what happened the last time you did. Don’t let it happen again! Please, for God’s sake, don’t let it happen again!” Madi violently shook her head and ran into her bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were developing dark circles under them and her face was paler than usual. The dry blood on her face and hair started flaking off and falling into the sink. Her clothes were ripped and covered in so many disgusting alley fluids it was nauseating to even think about. Madi tore them off and threw them in the garbage. She shakily turned and walked to the tub to turn on the water. Steam poured up from the bathtub and Madi smiled. She was relieved to finally wash the blood, dirt and grime off of her skin.
She wanted warmth and comfort, two things she knew she would never feel again, but hoped for anyway. Madi closed her eyes. She could see their smiles and hear their laughter. She smiled along with them, but her smile turned to terror as she watched herself mutilate her friends, tasting their blood in her mouth. Their mouth-watering blood. She absentmindedly licked her lips at the thought. Her eyes popped open in horror. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked into the now foggy mirror.
Although her face was now distorted, she could still make it out, and it made her physically ill. She gave up on the thought of running to the toilet as she vomited all over the floor. She didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore. She was a murderer. She was going to prison for the rest of her life, if she didn’t get the death penalty. Her depression quickly turned to rage. She hated herself and knew that she needed to disappear. Yes, it would destroy her family, but she had to what had to be done.
Madi turned off the water and pulled the plug out of her old-fashioned bath tub. She stared at the water flowing down the drain, wishing she could disappear with it. A knock on the door made her blink and turn to see her father enter the room.
“My eyes are closed, Madi,” he said, obviously unaware of the vomit a step in front of him.
“Wait, dad. Don’t take another step.” Madi grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her. “You can open your eyes. I just didn’t want you to step in-”
“Ew!” her father squealed. “There is a toilet, Madi.” He stepped over the puddle of sickness on the floor and sat on the closed toilet seat. Madi stood there hugging herself, not sure if she wanted to sit or stay standing.
“Dad, what-what happened to me?” Madi stuttered. Ira kept his gaze on the floor.
“Now, don’t get mad at me, Madi. I know I should’ve told you this a long time ago, but when-it-didn’t happen, I thought it skipped you, and-” Madi interrupted.
“You thought what skipped me?” she asked him, scared and angry at the same time, “What disease do I have? What’s wrong with me?” Ira sighed and looked up at her.
“Do you remember that movie with Michael J. Fox when he becomes a werewolf, and his fa-”
“I’M A WEREWOLF?! YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME THAT I’M A FU-”
“No! Not at all,” Ira stammered, taken aback by his daughter’s sudden outburst. “It’s just that…I don’t know how to tell you this…” He straightened his back and looked his daughter in the eyes. “You…are a…vampire. Well, kind of a vampire.” He flinched back, half expecting Madi to yell at him again. Instead, her eyes grew wide with surprise.
“WHAT?” She collapsed onto the rim of the tub.
“It’s okay. I’m one, too.” Madi rolled her eyes at him.
“Yes, it’s all okay. I’m a fucking vampire and you think everything’s okay?”
“Madi, watch your language.” Ira brought his gaze back to the floor. “Listen, I didn’t know it would be genetic, okay?” He stood up and started pacing the room. “It’s not like I wanted this to happen! You are-well you were-a normal kid. I didn’t want to-” He stopped. Madi could tell he was serious. Ira buried his face in his hands, leaning against the sink, and whispered as he spoke. “You showed signs of it when you turned eight years old. I hoped it would go away, and I thought it did. I thought that maybe it would go away forever, that you wouldn’t morph at all…” Madi perked up when she heard-
“Morph? I’m a morpher? Like, I can go back and forth from human to vampire?” Her father wearily nodded his head. Madi smiled. “Cool!” Her smile quickly faded, her thoughts going back to the night before. “Bu…will I be able to control it or will I freak out like I did…does it only happen when I’m angry?” Questions began forming inside her head. What if I kill again? What if I get caught? …What if I like it?” She shook the last question out of her head. Her father noticed, but said nothing.
“It’s nothing you should worry about.” Ira said, ignoring Madi’s bewildered looks. He walked over to Madi and sat next to her, putting his arms around her. “I’m here to help you with this. I went through the same thing when I was your age. I know what it’s like to be scared…” Madi squirmed out of her father’s arms and looked at him.
“I thought you didn’t know this was genetic. How could you know if…” She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to end her question. Ira took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“My father was never there. I didn’t know if it was because he’s like me or because he just didn’t want to be around your grandmother and me. I never really thought about him being like…us. I only know of three others like us. I didn’t recognize any of them as being my father, but I don’t know.” Ira nervously tapped his foot. “I went through the change by myself. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone around me, so I left my home and moved up here to the city. There were plenty of places to hide and more than enough homeless people to kill, so-” He laughed. Madi shuddered in disgust. “I was kidding, Madi.” His daughter glared at him. “Obviously, you can’t take a joke.” Madi stood up and headed for the bathroom door.
“I’m leaving, Dad. I can’t be here anymore. I’m just gonna hurt more people.” Ira ran after her and stood in front of the door, preventing her from leaving the bedroom. “Dad, move!” Ira crossed his arms. Madi stomped her foot and walked over to her bed. Ira followed her and sat next to her.
“Now, tell me what happened…”
Anika was haunted with the fact that there was no way she could protect Madi the way she wished she could. Ira told her not to go near Madi because she was too unstable in her condition. The only thing Anika could do is sit there and pray her daughter was safe, and hope that her husband could protect them from what was coming their way. Ira was with the cops in the driveway, standing with Jeb. Madi hated Jeb.
The two of them would always talk about her well-being and it pissed her off. More recently, they would talk about her in secret, stopping whenever she would enter the room. She could hear the men talking right now. It was bizarre because it sounded as if they were standing right next to her. She didn’t understand it and wanted it to stop. She tried to block it out, but it was useless. She listened in, hoping to hear anything…anything but her name. Any mention of her only meant bad things. But they were at the scene. They had to know something. She froze. What did they know? What the hell did her father say to them?
“…wasn’t any sign of her, Detective. But all her friends were there. Is she gone?” the first voice asked, sounding concerned, but not really meaning it.
“Asshole,” said Madi, punching her windowsill. Immediately, her father looked up, followed by other glances. Madi hid behind her curtain, praying no one saw her.
“No, she’s here,” her father answered, moving his eyes back to the woods, quickly skimming over the landscape. Jeb noted the unease in Ira’s voice. He slid over to where his friend was slouched over and awkwardly patted him on the shoulder.
“Well, that’s good. Thank God she wasn’t caught in that…that catastrophe downtown.” Madi snuck a quick look out her window, watching Jeb put his hand on her father. Suddenly, Madi’s body began to shake with fury. She could feel her muscles contracting, her body aching to reach down and rip Jeb’s head off. She closed her eyes and tried to calm down, taking deep breaths.
“No! Don’t get angry! You remember what happened the last time you did. Don’t let it happen again! Please, for God’s sake, don’t let it happen again!” Madi violently shook her head and ran into her bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were developing dark circles under them and her face was paler than usual. The dry blood on her face and hair started flaking off and falling into the sink. Her clothes were ripped and covered in so many disgusting alley fluids it was nauseating to even think about. Madi tore them off and threw them in the garbage. She shakily turned and walked to the tub to turn on the water. Steam poured up from the bathtub and Madi smiled. She was relieved to finally wash the blood, dirt and grime off of her skin.
She wanted warmth and comfort, two things she knew she would never feel again, but hoped for anyway. Madi closed her eyes. She could see their smiles and hear their laughter. She smiled along with them, but her smile turned to terror as she watched herself mutilate her friends, tasting their blood in her mouth. Their mouth-watering blood. She absentmindedly licked her lips at the thought. Her eyes popped open in horror. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked into the now foggy mirror.
Although her face was now distorted, she could still make it out, and it made her physically ill. She gave up on the thought of running to the toilet as she vomited all over the floor. She didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore. She was a murderer. She was going to prison for the rest of her life, if she didn’t get the death penalty. Her depression quickly turned to rage. She hated herself and knew that she needed to disappear. Yes, it would destroy her family, but she had to what had to be done.
Madi turned off the water and pulled the plug out of her old-fashioned bath tub. She stared at the water flowing down the drain, wishing she could disappear with it. A knock on the door made her blink and turn to see her father enter the room.
“My eyes are closed, Madi,” he said, obviously unaware of the vomit a step in front of him.
“Wait, dad. Don’t take another step.” Madi grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her. “You can open your eyes. I just didn’t want you to step in-”
“Ew!” her father squealed. “There is a toilet, Madi.” He stepped over the puddle of sickness on the floor and sat on the closed toilet seat. Madi stood there hugging herself, not sure if she wanted to sit or stay standing.
“Dad, what-what happened to me?” Madi stuttered. Ira kept his gaze on the floor.
“Now, don’t get mad at me, Madi. I know I should’ve told you this a long time ago, but when-it-didn’t happen, I thought it skipped you, and-” Madi interrupted.
“You thought what skipped me?” she asked him, scared and angry at the same time, “What disease do I have? What’s wrong with me?” Ira sighed and looked up at her.
“Do you remember that movie with Michael J. Fox when he becomes a werewolf, and his fa-”
“I’M A WEREWOLF?! YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME THAT I’M A FU-”
“No! Not at all,” Ira stammered, taken aback by his daughter’s sudden outburst. “It’s just that…I don’t know how to tell you this…” He straightened his back and looked his daughter in the eyes. “You…are a…vampire. Well, kind of a vampire.” He flinched back, half expecting Madi to yell at him again. Instead, her eyes grew wide with surprise.
“WHAT?” She collapsed onto the rim of the tub.
“It’s okay. I’m one, too.” Madi rolled her eyes at him.
“Yes, it’s all okay. I’m a fucking vampire and you think everything’s okay?”
“Madi, watch your language.” Ira brought his gaze back to the floor. “Listen, I didn’t know it would be genetic, okay?” He stood up and started pacing the room. “It’s not like I wanted this to happen! You are-well you were-a normal kid. I didn’t want to-” He stopped. Madi could tell he was serious. Ira buried his face in his hands, leaning against the sink, and whispered as he spoke. “You showed signs of it when you turned eight years old. I hoped it would go away, and I thought it did. I thought that maybe it would go away forever, that you wouldn’t morph at all…” Madi perked up when she heard-
“Morph? I’m a morpher? Like, I can go back and forth from human to vampire?” Her father wearily nodded his head. Madi smiled. “Cool!” Her smile quickly faded, her thoughts going back to the night before. “Bu…will I be able to control it or will I freak out like I did…does it only happen when I’m angry?” Questions began forming inside her head. What if I kill again? What if I get caught? …What if I like it?” She shook the last question out of her head. Her father noticed, but said nothing.
“It’s nothing you should worry about.” Ira said, ignoring Madi’s bewildered looks. He walked over to Madi and sat next to her, putting his arms around her. “I’m here to help you with this. I went through the same thing when I was your age. I know what it’s like to be scared…” Madi squirmed out of her father’s arms and looked at him.
“I thought you didn’t know this was genetic. How could you know if…” She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to end her question. Ira took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“My father was never there. I didn’t know if it was because he’s like me or because he just didn’t want to be around your grandmother and me. I never really thought about him being like…us. I only know of three others like us. I didn’t recognize any of them as being my father, but I don’t know.” Ira nervously tapped his foot. “I went through the change by myself. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone around me, so I left my home and moved up here to the city. There were plenty of places to hide and more than enough homeless people to kill, so-” He laughed. Madi shuddered in disgust. “I was kidding, Madi.” His daughter glared at him. “Obviously, you can’t take a joke.” Madi stood up and headed for the bathroom door.
“I’m leaving, Dad. I can’t be here anymore. I’m just gonna hurt more people.” Ira ran after her and stood in front of the door, preventing her from leaving the bedroom. “Dad, move!” Ira crossed his arms. Madi stomped her foot and walked over to her bed. Ira followed her and sat next to her.
“Now, tell me what happened…”