Random Days of the Marauders

Remus came walking down the dormitory stairs down to the common room one late autumn evening and immediately wished he hadn’t, for he found that his three ‘besties,’ as Sirius liked to refer to the marauders as, were down there was well, gathered in a corner with secretive looks in their eyes. He was about to turn around and ascend back up the stairs when James caught his eye.

“Oi, Moony!” he called out, eyes aglow with boyish excitement. He waved his hand in the air, which was stuffed to the brim with different colored papers. “Want to play a game?”

Remus cringed. The last time he was asked the question and agreed to it, he soon discovered that it was a game of wizard strip poker. He never really understood why it was called ‘wizard’ strip poker, when the only thing magical about the game was the fact that you removed your clothes with a levitation spell. Sirius was always the first to lose at the game. Remus figured that the action was intentional.

“Actually, I was just going to reacquire my book, you know, Potion Concoctions of the Mediterranean, and then I was going to return to my bed...where it’s safe...” he said the last part so that it was inaudible to the three boys.

“Aw come on, Moonsie!” Sirius complained rolling over so that he could get a better look at one of his best friends. “It’s a game all about life! Wormtail here got it from his grandmum for his birthday.”

“But I thought your birthday was in the spring?” Remus asked curiously, thinking back in his brain.

“It is,” Peter answered bashfully. “But Sirius wrote her a letter demanding why she forgot my birthday, and she sent me this. Actually, she sent it to my mum and dad. They sent it to me. She’s a muggle living in America, you know.”

“You honestly let Sirius do that to your poor grandmother?” Remus asked incredulously, a horrified expression on his face.

“No,” Peter responded, if it was even possible, even more timidly. “He sort of did it without my knowledge. Mum’s going to throw a fit.”

“Moving on,” James said, decidedly bored with where the conversation had turned. “The game’s called Life. But I took it and changed it to Wizard Life! You see, each person gets a little different colored muggle car, and you decide if you want to go to muggle college or get a muggle career, and then you get married and buy a muggle house and so many things happen to you! Like Peter just lost a turn because he was cramming for his muggle finals!”

Remus remained starring at him with a mix of skepticism and worry. James had said that all in one breath, and was now breathing heavily.

“So what exactly is it about that game that makes it, ‘Wizard Life?’” Remus asked, folding his arms and raising an eyebrow.

“James enchanted the little cars to move however you many spaces you get when it’s your turn,” Sirius answered, playing with a yellow car, bored. “All except Peter’s. He enchanted it to attack him on his turns.”

Remus soon discovered little bruises on Peter’s forehead and arms. Poor, poor Peter.

“Maybe for a little bit...” Remus wondered aloud, seriously considering what the negatives of playing a game would be. It didn’t sound anything like wizard strip poker...and I’m sure there would be no removal of clothes involved. “Why not? I have been doing a lot of studying lately. A quick game could not hurt.”

“That’s the spirit Moony!” James rang out exuberantly. “Here, you can be the blue car!”

“What about the green car?” Remus asked, gazing at the green car that was thrown into the fire.

“It’s a Slytherin color,” Sirius snarled, sending death glares at the little piece of plastic that was turning the flame green. “Be blue. It’s Ravenclaw, and you’re smart. I suppose you’ll want to go to college first, too.”

“You supposed correctly,” Remus answered, evidently impressed at the assumption. “Are those, er, little blue and pink pegs supposed to be people?”

“Yep,” James answered, shoving one of the blue pegs into the blue car. “Blue for boy, and pink for girl. It’s your turn, Moonsie. Spin! Spin!”

Remus reached across the board and twirled the little spinney thing with numbers on it and received a one.

“One!” Sirius exclaimed, his yellow car moving one space. “Hey, look! A scholarship! Peter, ten thousand dollars to my good man Moony here.”

Remus was handed one single orange colored piece of paper. He looked at it curiously.

“Do we start out with no money at all?” he asked, looking in the colorful box for directions. He found them and began reading them out loud. “Ahem, For 2 to 6 Players - OBJECT: Collect money and LIFE Tiles, and have the highest dollar amount at the end of the game.
Attach the game parts to the game board as shown on the Assembly Sheet.”

He immediately began a search for the assembly sheet, and when he found it, he took a quick speculative look around the board for any errors. He found one.

“This mountain is not put in all the way,” he said and quickly reached across the board to insert it in properly, but was quickly stopped.

“Don’t touch it!” Sirius cried out, swatting his friend’s hand away. “It’s the herpes mountain!”

“What?” Remus said incredulously, looking at the directions for any indication of herpes mountain, but found none. “The directions here do not say anything about herpes mountain.

“That’s because I made it up,” James said matter-of-factly, spinning the spinner. He landed on a five. “Ah ha! Win an art contest! Collect a LIFE tile!”

James reached across the board and grabbed one of the little tiles labeled, LIFE, and put it by his money.

“Wait, why does James have money?” Remus interrupted. “I have none!”

“It’s because he already has a job,” Peter answered, taking his turn and spinning. He got a six, and his white car moved six spaces. “And every time you pass one of the green spaces labeled “Pay Day,” you get paid your salary from the bank. Yes! I get a house!”

“But what’s his salary? Does each player decide it?” Remus said frantically, flipping through the directions.

“You randomly pick a card for your house, career, and salary,” Sirius explained in an annoyed tone, holding out a bunch of yellow cards labeled, “HOUSE.”

Peter picked out three, the Colonial, the Beach House, and the Split-Level. Peter whimpered as he looked at his pathetic little pile of money, only about one hundred thousand dollars.

“I, sigh, I guess I can only afford to buy the split level,” he said pathetically, grabbing it and paying Sirius for it. “Sirius is the banker.”

Remus closed his mouth and was utterly surprised at how Peter knew exactly what he was about to ask. He supposed that he did seem a bit predictable.

“My turn!” Sirius squealed, spinning and getting an eight. “Woo hoo! I get to get married!”

He pulled out a small box filled with the little blue and pink people. He shoved a third pink peg into his yellow car.

“Why does Sirius have three pink pegs in his car?” Remus asked slowly, afraid to know the answer.

“The one he just got is his wife,” James explained, returning the neglected box of people. “The other two are his hoes.”

“I’m afraid to know his job,” Remus muttered, rubbing his temples.

“I’m a male prostitute!” Sirius exclaimed, making Remus’s eyes bulge.

“Is there a male prostitute career choice?” Remus inquired disbelievingly, searching through the instructions once again. “Sirius, there is no such thing-”

He stopped once he grabbed Sirius’s “career card,” which was a picture of a stickman drawn on a piece of parchment, taped over a career card. The stickman was charmed to move, so that the stickman was surrounded by women, chasing him down a street.

“What are the, er, rest of your jobs?” Remus asked with a look of pain on his face.

“Hobo,” Peter yelled out, raising his hand.

“Auror pimp,” James said with a grin.

“Why did I even bother asking?” Remus asked no one in particular. “Curiosity did indeed kill the cat.”

“We’ve already got a career planned out for you, Moony!” Sirius said, smiling.

Remus closed his eyes, bit his lip, and breathed in and out, in and out, in an attempt to control himself. He finally took his turn and received a ten, finally landing on his career.

“Of course,” he moaned, reaching out for the card that Sirius was eagerly handing to him.

He slowly flipped it over and was quite surprised. Headmaster of Hogwarts. He even felt a little touched, and thankful that it wasn’t something like, Sirius’s hoe.

“We were going to make it Sirius’s hoe,” James said with a sigh, causing Remus to look at him in amazement. “But we were afraid that you would leave. So I came up with headmaster, because we all know how you are a good teacher and how you like rules.”

Remus almost felt a tear in his eye.

Two hours later

“Unhhh,” Peter complained, handing money to Sirius, who received it with a large grin on his face. “My life sucks.”

“It really does, Pete,” James chuckled. “Your house has been robbed. Your house has flooded. Your house was hit by a tornado, AND you caught Mushu Flu!”

“Not to mention he lost two turns,” Sirius added, taking his turn. “Yes! Trip to Mount Rushmore! Ah damn! It’s on herpes mountain! Aw, give me the fricken herpes infested LIFE tile.”

“Um,” Peter hesitated. “We’re kind of out of life tiles. What do we do?”

“The instructions say that if you run out of life tiles, you’re supposed to take one from an opponent,” Remus instructed, nose inside the piece of paper.

“I’ve got a better idea,” James said mischievously. “Whoever lands on one of those spaces gets a BABY.”

“Yeah! That works out great for me,” Sirius began sarcastically. “I get a baby on my trip go Mount Rushmore, on herpes mountain. Now my son is going to have herpes, too!”

“So you want a boy, mate?” James asked, ignoring his statement and putting one of the blue colored pegs inside the yellow car. “Damn, we’re out of boys. Now what do we do?”

“Sorry,” Peter muttered. “I kept landing on all of the baby tiles.”

He looked down pathetically at his small pile of blue and pink pegs that resided in front of him. He ran out of room in his little white car.

“Hey, my grandmum also sent me a game called Clue!” he yelled. “Maybe they have some sort of male pieces in there.”

He pulled out the other box and began searching through it.

“Ok, the instructions say,” Peter began. “That blue is Ms. Peacock. That’s a girl. Green is Mr. Green. White is Ms. White. Purple is Professor Plum, a man. Red is Ms. Scarlet, and yellow is Colonel Mustard. I guess we can use the purple, green, and yellow playing pieces.”

“SLYTHERIN!” Sirius screamed, grabbing the green piece and chucking it in the fire along with the green car.

“Ok,” Peter continued, biting his bottom lip. “I guess we can only use yellow and purple.”

“Dibs on yellow!” Sirius said, returning to his seat and forgetting all about the melting piece of plastic.

“Remus, could you do me a favor?” Peter asked, looking at his friend. “When it’s my turn, could you go for me? I really need to go use the lavatory.”

“Sure Peter,” Remus answered with a smile. “I’d be glad to.”

“Hey, why didn’t you ask one of us?” Sirius complained, utterly dumbstruck. “We’re your friends too.”

“Obviously he is afraid that you will either steal his money or do something obscenely with his playing pieces,” Remus answered for him, spinning for his turn.

“Finally, I’ve retired!” he exclaimed, relieved. “But, which place do I go?”

“Go to Millionaire Estates,” James suggested. “It looks de-luxe!”

“The rules say that, you go there if you-” Remus began, but was cut off by Sirius.

“Ah, to hell with the rules!” Sirius exclaimed, grabbing the rules and also tossing it into the fire. “Every time we don’t know what to do, you pull out the bloody rules!”

“That is the whole purpose of rules,” Remus elucidated, glaring at Sirius.

Remus sighed and spun for the missing Marauder...and won the lottery. At that moment, Peter had just rejoined the group and was asking what he missed.

“You won the lottery, Wormy!” Sirius said through his laughter. “I guess the game really DOES hate you!”

Even Remus had to chuckle.

1 Hour Later

“Yes! I’ve retired!” Peter said, almost as relieved as he felt when he had finally went to the bathroom. “I’m going to go to Countryside Acres.”

“Boring!” Sirius snorted, placing the white car in Millionaire Estates. “Hey, how do we find out who won?”

“Well, I would have looked at the RULES,” Remus began, glaring at Sirius once again. “But someone decided to toss them in the fire along with the so-called “Slytherin” pieces.”

Sirius immaturely stuck his tongue out at the smart marauder.

“Let’s just count up our money to see who is the richest,” James suggested, pulling out his money and counting the bills. “And I suppose now we can add in those LIFE tiles.”

“Um, Moonsie? Bestie?” Sirius said pitifully. You could almost see the tail in between his legs. “Could you, um, count my money...for...me...?”

Remus sighed and starred down at the little pitiable look he had on his face and couldn’t resist.

“Fine,” Remus agreed, holding his hand out, which an eager Sirius shoved a whole bunch of crumbled and squished pieces of paper in his hands. “Do you not take care of anything?”

“Somethings, yeah,” Sirius answered guiltily. “But this didn’t seem very important.”

“So I’m guessing Sirius Jr. wasn’t very important, either,” Remus muttered, hoping that his friend did not hear him. He didn’t.

Remus smiled to himself. He was good at mumbling under his breath so that no one could hear him. It’s the second incident in a row.

20 Minutes Later

“Alright,” James began, holding up a piece of paper with the placements on it. “In fourth place, we have the one with the absolutely suckish life, is the hobo Peter Pettigrew, with one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.”

Sirius clapped in respect.

“In third place,” James continued. “Is the male prostitute, Sirius Black, with two hundred and seventy five thousand dollars.”

“My hoes kept stealing my money,” Sirius muttered under his breath, and Remus gave him a look that said, “What the hell?”

“In second place,” persistent little James went on. “Is Hogwart’s very own headmaster: Remus Lupin! With four hundred thousand, six hundred and ninety five dollars.”

Remus bowed his head as the others clapped for him.

“And in first place,” James began smugly. “Is the very awesome, sexy, attractive, manly, man, who is married to Lily Evans, has six kids, one named James Jr., one named Harry, one named Lily Jr., one named-”

“Yes, yes, would you just say how much money you made already? We all know you won,” Remus complained, rolling his eyes. James sniffed at him.

“Fine, in first place is,” he stopped for a dramatic pause. “The auror pimp James Potter with five hundred thousand, six hundred and forty five dollars! Woo! And the crowd goes wild!”

James pretended to make an ear-splitting roar resound around the room. He took out his wand and pointed it at his throat.

“Sonorous!” he yelled out loudly, and everyone could hear the roar.

The three marauders on the ground covered their ears.

“James!” Remus tried yelling. “You’re waking up the whole castle! Cut it out! Do you want detention with McGonagle again?”

James immediately removed the wand from his throat and charged up the stairs, and the other three followed him. The boys in the room were all stirring, but no one seemed to know that they were gone. The marauders all laid down back in their beds and waited for everyone to go back to sleep, for it was only 3 o’clock in the morning.

As everyone was settling back into sleep, Sirius whispered, “What’s Mount Rushmore?”

“I’ll tell you in the morning, Sirius,” Remus moaned, just realizing how tired he was.

“But I wanna know NOW!” Sirius yelled, and began setting off a lot of racket.

“Muffliato!” Remus yelled, pointing his wand at his friend, and the room grew silent.

If the room wasn’t charmed to be silent, you could hear all of the Gryffindor’s sighs of peace.