Yes, I Fall

This is not a finished story, but it is a one shot.
It just needs editing. Like real criticism, not just "I love it" etc.
I want to know what needs expanding, what can be cut out, what just doesn't work, if the story even works at all.
Seriously. Please help me here.

The story is based on an odd interpretation of Silver and Cold by AFI.
  1. The only chapter.
    Please criticize it!