I Only Want You for One Night

“Why is it, that whenever I come into your apartment, you’re always on the floor?”

I shrugged and absentmindedly stirred the tea before me even though the sugar had long since dissolved. “The furniture smells like him.”

“Smells like you too, you idiot.”

It was two days after Bill had left the message and I had succeeded in not making myself die. Well, thank God for small fucking favors…

“Alice, you don’t get it! I was so close, so almost to the point where I was better completely, and he wrecked it all, just like before!”

“Oh, stop trying to get sympathy. He called to apologize, which, given how you reacted to what he did, took a lot of guts. And he didn’t wreck anything.”

I looked at her. “Oh he didn’t?”

She raised an eyebrow me from across the table. “No, he didn’t. You let yourself get hurt again, you let yourself fall apart on hearing his voice, and you made yourself like this. Now, I helped to fix you once, but I won’t do it again. This, you being apart from him, is not right. You claim perfect health, but you look like you did when you were sixteen.”

“Which was?”

“Tall, gangly, and sickly thin. Tom, a belt won’t even keep your jeans up. You eat, I see it, and you try to be happy, but I see the shadows under your eyes, I see you cheekbones through your skin, and I see your arms getting thin and frail. Tom, you’re killing yourself, and I won’t have it!”

“So what the hell am I supposed to do? Go back to Mom’s, pound on the door, and proclaim love for him and my acceptance? I won’t! He hurt me and I can’t forgive him!”

“What a one-sided, selfish argument.”

“Why?”

“How many times have you ever hurt Bill, whether you were together like this or not, and he forgave you, no matter how much he was hurt?”

I opened my mouth to say I never hurt Bill until I realized she was completely right. I had hurt Bill in the past, both mentally and physically. I had lied and gone behind his back and even hit him but he forgave me every time and welcomed me back with open arms and a small word of love.

And yet Bill had done just one thing – one thing! – that he was truly sorry for and I couldn’t swallow my pride long enough to forgive him.

“Alice, I’m so messed up,” I said, resting my head on my arms, which were crossed on the table.

“No, not messed up. Confused, but not messed up. Now, do you want me to take you over there so you can forgive him and bring him back here?”

I lifted my head up and shook it rapidly. “No.”

“Why not? You still can’t forgive him?”

“No, well – that is, I – I just can’t – I don’t know what to say to him! ‘Hi, Bill, I know you fucked up, and I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you for everything even though you should be the one forgiving me for being a total prick about it!’ What kind of forgiveness is that?”

“Why is everything a drama with you?” Alice said to no one in particular, rolling her eyes.

I ignored her statement. “Alice, just… give me a few days to come up with something. I want it to be heartfelt, and I need to get the guts to face him again.”

She twisted her mug a little, staring at the swirling contents of the ceramic cup with a thoughtful expression on her face. “All right. But I’m not going to baby you anymore. You have to do this all yourself.”

~+~

“Ugh, I might as well be wearing clothes from when we made Schrei!” I said as I walked through the park with Alice, hitching my jeans up for the thousandth time.

Going to the park had become a daily thing for us. I would wait dutifully and patiently for Alice to get off of work, then we would go to the park where we met, just to talk and think. Sometimes we would simply sit in silence under a tree. She would read a book and I would sit, just staring into space, picturing his pretty face and how it had hurt me.

This time, however, I was all chatty.

“I must sound completely horrible right now, like I’m repeating myself, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m worse off than Bill is. I mean, he was always a little bit thinner than I was but he eats enough to put a sumo wrestler to shame and I always had a smaller appetite, though I still ate a lot too. Have you ever noticed how people like me and Bill can eat like an entire bag of Oreos lose weight while sitting around when other people eat like three and gain like five pounds no matter how much they exercise? I always felt kind of bad, like I want to go up to people like that and go ‘Here, take my metabolism.’ What are you like, Alice?”

“I’m caught in the middle. I can’t eat as much as you but I only gain a little bit of weight. I have an average level metabolism.”

“Yeah. Oh my god I have to tell you about this one time when I was little. We, as in me and my mom and Bill, were at the park and there was this cute little girl, there was always a cute little girl around, and I was like six, and yet I flirted with them all the time. Bill always used to make fun of me for it when we were sixteen, like ‘Ha, you were a little perv back then too!’ but I always poked back at him. That’s kind of how it went with us, one makes a crack, the other would say something back just as harsh, then go pick on Georg.”

Alice laughed, partly at the Georg part, partly on the entire story, but mostly at the fact that I was starting to get happy again.

Then I paused. “Alice, I was wondering. Even though, you know, Bill and I love each other, do you think that we’re not meant to be together?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, like, all this shit keeps happening to us, and I kind of wonder if fate is trying to get us apart because we’re screwing with its plan.”

“Maybe, but love isn’t easy. I think it may just be trying to see if you guys are willing to stick it out, which I think you are. I’ve never seen someone as devoted as you were when you were planning that night for him.”

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

I looked at the playground and stared at the swings. “Have I ever told you that I’ve always been a little bit jealous of Bill?”

“No, never.”

I rested my chin on my knees. “Mm-hmm. Bill was always so carefree, so enthusiastic, so likeable, and he never gave a flying fuck what people thought of him. He wore his charisma like a pair of tailor-made jeans and you couldn’t help but like him. I always wished that I were like that. I mean, I don’t care what people think of me most of the time, but sometimes there is that ‘Oh, shit, I did something wrong, people will hate me’ thing I feel. Bill never had that, and I wished I were the same.”

“The only reason you’re like that is because you made yourself like that. No one will judge you unless you judge yourself.”

I nodded and continued to stare at the playground. I felt her shift. “Tom, you need to go forgive him.”

“I still don’t know what to say.”

“Tom, look at me.”

I turned my head to the side. Alice leaned into me and pressed her lips to mine. I let my eyes close and saw Bill in my mind instead of Alice.

“Now, tell me who just kissed you,” she said when we broke apart.

“Uh, you did, duh.”

“Uh-huh, now who did you want to kiss you?”

I could almost hear my tear ducts say to my tears ‘All right, boys, time for work!’ when she said that. She didn’t need an answer because she already knew it.

“You need Bill. Go get him.”

“Just a few more days,” I pleaded with her, my vision blurring with my tears.

She nodded. “Fine. But in four days, if you haven’t done it by then, I am kicking you out of work and sending you over to Simone and Gordon’s house.”

~+~

“Tom, it’s nearly two.”

“Just a few more minutes.”

“You’re already pushing past one forty-five. I’m being gracious, but my patience is wearing thin.”

“Please, Alice! Just a few more minutes of mental preparation!”

Four days had passed and I hadn't mustered the courage to go to Bill, and Alice was slowly getting angrier and angrier.

She sighed angrily and hit the cash register. “Three minutes. Then I kick your sorry ass out of here.”

I gave her a thankful look at stood up. I took a few deep breaths in and started to pace.

Hi Bill! Long time no see!

Hey Bill, what’s going on?

Hey, Billa, what’s up, little brother?

Ugh, I was trying to take him back, not shoot the breeze!

Different approach, different approach…

Hey, Bill. I know that we had a problem, and…

Bill, I came to say I forgive you…

Babe, I love you, I forgive you, please…

I’m nothing without you. I love you.

“Time’s up, pretty boy!”

I jerked out of my thoughts and looked at Alice. “What?”

“Your three minutes is up.” She came out from around the counter and put her hands on the back of my shoulders, pushing me towards the door. “Out.”

I locked my legs and fought back. “No, no, no, Alice, no, please, I’m not ready!”

“You’re going to get your ass out of here and go get him back or I swear to god I’ll fold you like paper and stick you in the cash register!”

She pushed me out the door. “Tom, I’m doing this for both of you. Go get him back and save yourselves, because if you’re killing yourself, so is he.”

The door closed. I sighed and started walking, twiddling my thumbs a little bit.

Hey, Bill, I came over to say…

I’m as much at fault as you are…

I never wanted to hurt you, and I know you never wanted to hurt me…

I never got to say all I wanted in this amount of time…

You mean more to me than what I’ve been showing…

I love you more than air…

I kicked a rock as I passed by the park, running options through my head at a pace that would have put Einstein to shame. Nothing showed how I truly felt, and nothing put what I really wanted to get across in the right way.

Feelings are reduced by thoughts are reduced by words…

I almost groaned angrily but held my tongue, running my hand on the back of my neck in exasperation. I realized that even if I did find words that described how I felt, I couldn’t say them because Bill would steal my vocals chords away just by looking me in the eyes.

I sighed and continued walking towards the house when I heard my name.

“Tom!”

My eyes widened at the word that poured from the vocal chords I knew. I had frequently kissed the skin above them and felt them vibrate as they formed more words.

I turned slowly and looked at the park. There, looking as if he had just barely won a fight against the Grim Reaper, was Bill, jogging towards me with a strange expression, his eyes caught between pain and relief.

Every fiber of my body was yelling and screaming at me to run over to him, embrace him like the apocalypse was upon us and it was our last moments together and never let him go.

But I was scared to death. I wanted to touch him but was afraid of what might happen, what I might say, what he might say, so I ran.

I ran like a fucking little pansy, ran from everything good in my life. Along with my own fear, I felt my pain double and felt sick to my stomach, which meant one thing.

Bill felt those things the most. I hurt him more than he was already hurting and I felt horrible for it, but I kept running, kept running, kept running, until I finally came to an alley.

I leaned against the wall and started breathing heavily, worn out from running, when I felt the need to clear my throat and lungs. I started to cough heavily, covering my mouth and doubling over. I felt something come out of my throat and onto my hand.

My first thought was ‘ew, loogie on my hand,’ but immediately that thought changed as I tasted rust and copper on my tongue. I looked down at my hand and became shocked at the blood that was pooled in my palm and slowly falling out from between my fingers.

I was killing myself, and I had run away from my cure.

I looked up at the sky, up at the dark clouds that were congregating, waiting for the perfect moment to come pouring down on Madgeburg, shattering the sky with the thunder and lightning it produced.

I began to walk home, coughing every once in a while, rubbing the blood on my jeans, each red spot on my jeans a reminder of how much of a failure I was.

~+~

I turned on the computer and searched through my playlist, hoping to come across a song that would sooth my nerves, when I saw a band I didn’t recognize.

In This Moment.

I concluded that it must have been Bill’s and almost didn’t click on it until I saw the title of the song

Beautiful Tragedy…

I clicked on the song and found myself putting it on repeat and blasting it.

Silent night, let me sleep away these memories within. Sacrifices of purities are turning into sins. And this judgement day is growing near, and this confession is killing me again. This beautiful tragedy is crashing into me. This dying destiny.

So now you lay yourself down in this grave with shattered eyes. Beautiful melodies to try and wash away the lies. And this judgement day is growing near, and this confession is killing me again. This beautiful tragedy is crashing into me. This dying destiny, take me away. This beautiful tragedy, come crashing into me. This dying destiny.

Will you be there?

Will you be there by my grave? Or will you be the death of me? My beautiful tragedy…

This beautiful tragedy is crashing into me. This dying destiny, take me away. This beautiful tragedy, come crashing into me. This dying destiny.

I have to say, female screamers in bands all usually sound the same but she was completely unique.

I listened to Beautiful Tragedy for around an hour, keeping a box of Kleenexes near me for when I coughed. By the time I was tired of music I was surrounded by white and red tissues.

This was bad.

I changed into a pair of pajama pants because the blood had made my jeans feel scratchy and stiff, then heard the rain pour down.

Rain, rain, come and stay, come and take my pain away…

I turned off the computer and walked through the house, turning off all the lights and leaving only the heater, which I kept at 73, on. Then I walked into the master bedroom and stared out the window into the dark storm clouds that soon produced huge pieces of hail instead of just fat raindrops.

I coughed once into a Kleenex and started to murmur to no one in particular. “Baby I’m not all right when you go, I’m not fine. Please be all mine. I never want you to go, because I am all yours, so please be all mine.” A tear ran down my cheek. “Please be all mine…”

I heard a light knock on the door. My head jerked up and I hastily wiped the tear away.

Who the fuck had braved this weather just to come see me? Surely Alice hadn't risked it just for me!

I padded out of the room and turn on the living room light. I walked to the front door and opened the door, my breath hitching in my throat at the sight, which caused me to cough. Blood escaped my hand and I hastily wiped it from my shirt with my clean hand.

I can taste it, this blood in my mouth, this knife in my lungs…

“Bill?” My voice was weak. I wiped my eyes for fear of more tears. “What are you doing here?”

Bill was soaked from head to toe, his hair dripping onto his face and shoulders. And that fight with the Grim Reaper I mentioned? Up close it looked like he had lost but the Grim Reaper had been gracious.

If I was dying, Bill was the walking dead.

He looked as if he had something to say, then his mind was wiped. Tears fell down his face, but he didn’t seem to notice. I tried to keep my face apathetic or else I’d start to cry as well.

“I needed to see you… needed to see your face again…” he whispered. He took a breath. “Tomi, I missed you so much.” His voice was thin and ragged. “I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I contemplated suicide so many times in these past couple weeks…”

“Make it quick,” I hated the distance between us and it came out in my voice. His eyes literally flooded.

“I love you Tom, and I don’t want to admit it but I can’t live without you! You’re my life, and you complete me and without you I’m just this.” He lifted his shirt up.

My blood stopped running. I could see every organ under his skin; could count his ribs by just looking at them. His skin was paler than normal. His hipbones looked razor sharp under his skin, like they were about to slice through the layers of flesh any second.

“I need you more than I ever thought I would…”

I blinked and stared at him. I couldn’t make an expression cross my face. I was too shocked.

“I didn’t think. I just didn’t…didn’t know what would happen.” He cast his eyes downward and put his shirt down. I saw him audibly shiver and I could sense his exhaustion, his need for rest. “I’m sorry…I love you, and I need your forgiveness to keep me sane.”

I opened my mouth to say something when I saw his face get cloudy. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he crumpled to the floor. My stomach clenched as I thought ‘My god, no, don’t let him die!’ but then I saw the shaky rise and fall of his chest.

I was next to him in a second. I lifted him up and held him in my arms, my mouth next to his ear. “Please Bill, stay with me. You don’t know how much this took out of me. Not having you here to hold, making myself believe I’d never find love anymore. I wanted to stop believing, I wanted to be myself like I was before there was an us…” My eyes started competing with the stormy sky, hot, salty tears falling from my dark eyes. I held him tighter. “But I couldn’t.”

Despite my weak state, despite being barely able to hold myself up, I picked Bill up and was shocked by how little he weighed. I think Giselle may have weighed more and she was a tiny thing.

I carried him into the bedroom and placed him on the bed gently, crawling in next to him. I sat next to him, stroking his hair softly.

Slowly, he pried his eyes apart and I immediately knew he had heard every word I said. “Tom, I'm... I'm so sorry. I just want you back. I need you more than anything in the world,” he said weakly.

I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed him, he needed me, so I pressed my lips to his in a slow, long kiss that instantly made up for what we had been through. It was an almost complete forgiveness. Almost.

“I need you too,” I muttered softly. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my lips to his again, completing the forgiveness and giving my own apology.

I felt his frail arms wrap themselves around my body. The moment was unbreakable, complete.

I had my love back. And immediately we both healed.

~+~

I had removed Bill’s wet clothes and put him in a dry pair of underwear, then wrapped him in a blanket. As I got up off the bed, he made a small noise of protest, but I kissed his forehead and ran my thumb across his cheek. “I’ll be right back, I promise. Get some sleep, Bill.”

I left the room and turned up the thermostat, then walked over to the phone. I picked it up and dialed a number that used to be mine.

I got the answering machine.

“Hey Mom and Gordon, it’s Tom. Sorry for calling so late, but I just wanted to let you know that amends have been made and Bill is back here with me, so you can call off the National Guard. I love you both, call us when you get the chance.”

I put the phone back on the charger and walked back into the bedroom. Bill was sleeping like a rock, his breathing steady. I got under the covers with him and snuggled up to him, kissing his shoulder.

“I love you.”

The next morning I woke up smelling Bill’s hair. I cuddled up to him closer and sighed.

“’Bout time you got up,” I heard him say.

I breathed out a laugh. “What time is it?”

“Ten.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Are you shorter than me?”

Another laugh burst out of my lips. “Come on, we have frozen waffles and things. Throw on some sweats and a shirt and I’ll make you some.”

“All my stuff’s at the house.”

“So? Wear something of mine, we’ll go get your stuff later.”

I went into the kitchen to heat up some food while he got dressed. The microwave beeped as he walked in, looking sick, bedraggled, but happy. He took the food I offered to him with a word of thanks.

“Bill, I forgave you, I love you, and I never, ever want you to go, but there’s still something you need to do for me.”

He looked up from his half-eaten Eggo. “Anything.”

“Gain my trust back.”

“But… but I…”

I placed a finger on his lips. “I know, you’re sorry, and I understand that, but I can’t give you my trust again until you proved to me that I can trust you. I know you can do it, I just need you to show me.”

He nodded. “Anything for you.”

I smiled, took his fork from his hand, and put a bite of the waffle in my mouth. “Good. Now, eat. You look like Death is taking its time with you.”

He nodded as there was a knock on the door. I went to answer it and found Alice looking back at me.

“So, how’d you do?”

I smiled. “Oh, I’d say it went okay.”

“How okay?”

“He’s in the kitchen eating waffles.”

She sighed in relief. “Finally! You two were stupid to be apart.”

“Thanks, Alice. You want to come inside? See what I need to nurse back to health?”

“Told you that you were both killing yourselves, and look! I was right. When will you learn I am always right and that you are all just floating in a sea of wrong?”

I laughed. “Alice, I’m glad you’re my friend.”