Keep Me Guessing

Today was the day I was going back to Maryland: mixed emotions were playing. My parents thought that I was just sad I had to leave so I went with that alibi, even if it was a part truth. I was sad to have to leave my family so soon but I was more afraid of what would happen when I got back to Maryland. I never called Zack back or called Alex I was afraid of what would happen if I did. My nerves were starting to get the best of me, I was shaking slightly but passed it off as being cold. I was nervously tapping the side of my leg but passed it off as having a song stuck in my head. It's not a daughters plan to tell her parents she cheated on her boyfriend (that they adored) with her best friend (whom they also adored).

The flight was leaving here at two here so when we got there it would be eleven. It was much easier leaving from Maryland to Washington because time was back three hours, not ahead. Cheyenne's parents had to work this afternoon, so she was hitching a ride with my family. Sometimes I think she feels abandoned by her parents and that's why she does most of what she does. But, I am no therapist or psychologist so I don't really know. It was eight in the morning and only my mother and I were up. I sat in the livign room writing in my journal while she was in the kitchen making a breakfast feast. Whenever something bad happened, or something good, or something major, my mom would start cooking until we had almost no food left uncooked.

This life of mine just keeps me guessing, there's always something unexpected happening when I least expected. My parents didn't know why I wanted to get back to Maryland so quickly when we had first gotten the tickets and right now I wished we weren't going back for a few more days. Regret is one of the things I hate feeling the most. That and guilt. Those are the two worse feelings in the world, and it is hard to make them go away. I must have been in a whole other world because my mom was suddenly tapping me on my shoulder, saying my name repetitively.

"Oh, what?" I grinned sheepishly. "Sorry mom, I'm just in my own little world."

"I've noticed baby. Now, come on, breakfast is ready, it's your dad and sister's fault theirs will be cold, but you can have it nice and hot."

"Thanks mom." I smiled and walked into the kitchen to get myself breakfast, only to return to the living room with my plate.

"So you're going back to Maryland today, are you excited?"

"Yeah." I said, lying a bit. "But I am going to miss you and daddy and Faye so much!"

"We're going to miss you too Addison." She pressed her coffee cup to her lips, then lowered it. "You don't have to go, you know. You can come back home."

And in that moment, when the words came from my mother's mouth I knew what I had to do, it all clicked. Washington may have been where my family lived but Maryland was my home, it is where my heart is. I knew that I would be calling Zack back and would call Alex like he wanted me to- it was what I needed to do. Even if neither of them ever wanted to see me again, I would become an insignificant speck in any room they would be in, I had to go back; that's where I belong.

"Mom, I have to go back." I said strongly. "I love it there."

"I know you do." She sighed. "Sometimes I think we should just pack up and move there, but Faye, her whole life is here."

"My life was in Maryland for ten years or so." I reminded her. "But do what you need to do."

"I'm sorry honey, maybe one day we'll get back there; but not anytime soon."

"It's fine mom." I said. "I'd be gone soon anyways, you know I've always had dreams for the east coast; even if y'all lived in Hawaii I would still be wanting the eastern coast."

"That's true, dear, but Maryland. I always thought of you as a big city girl."

"Baltimore."

"Towson." She teased.

I shook my head and continued to eat my breakfast- in silence. Afterwards I retreated back into my room, add a few things to my suitcase and what not. Exchanging some clothes for the ones in my closet and vice versa, occupying my mind to the best of my abilities. It wasn't until I had sat down on my bed and covered my face with my pillow did someone interrupt me. Sighing I threw the pillow to the end of my bed, calling for the person to come in.

"Hey Addison," it was my dad. I took in his stance, standing tall, his face, structured but soft. "We're going to be leaving soon. To pick up Cheyenne and then to get to the airport early."

"Okay daddy." I said, sitting up. "What time is it?"

"Twelve, so get ready princess."

"I am ready dad." I made a face at the nickname he had given me.

"You always were ready so much earlier when going back to Maryland than when we had to return home." He laughed. "You know, I really did try to get my company to move us back there as soon as possible."

I laughed and walked out of my room with him, pulling my suitcase with me. Faye was taking pictures of objects around the house, frowning a lot, but smiling enormously when she shot something she liked. My mother was watching her, amusement in her eyes. When I am away from my family, I wonder if they still act like this, or if it is a show put on for me. I have always been like this though, I hated to miss out on things. My sister snapped a picture of me when she turned around and let a smile creep onto her face shyly; let was Faye, always snapping a picture, and smiling like that when she thought it was amazing; but me? I am far from amazing, no doubt about it.

The four of us left our positions of amusement and into the car for a long car ride. That wasn't truthful, the ride to the airport was only about forty five minutes, but under circumstances it seemed longer, and yet, so short. With Cheynne in the car, the ride seemed inaudibly awkward. Mom looked as though she wanted to cry, and while my dad was smiling, I could tell he was somber about my depature. Faye, I already knew she was upset that I was leaving again, but she dealt with it, maybe one day she would join me in Maryland; if my parents ever came back.

The plane was about to be boarded and my parents said their goodbyes to me quickly; like they would do with a band-aid- tear it off quickly to ease the pain. Faye hugged me, saying she would miss me. Cheyenne and I waved back to them as we walked through the tunnel to get to the plane. Once seated, I tightened my seatbelt as tight as I could get it and stared at the seat in front of me. In the seat to the left of me was a woman, mid twenties maybe, traveling alone. I smiled feebly at her before turning to Cheyenne was staring out the window of the plame dreamily. Unlike me, she wasn't dreading this arrival in any way, she had no reason to be: she didn't cheat on her boyfriend with her best friend. That is the only thing that has been able to run in my head without being disturbed, it is the disturbance, the reason I stay up late into the night thinking, crying, regretting.

For most of the plane ride I sat there listening to my music, cursing silently whenever I lost the game of solitare I was playing on the iPod. The rest of the time was spent talking to Cheyenne, in her attempts to get me to have some happiness. I laughed and I smiled, all to make her happy, but none of them were real. I felt like I was slipping back into the daze I had been in with James and I was not pleased. Throughout the whole flight during the time I was listening to music, playing solitare and talking to Chey, I felt vulnerable.

When we climbed off the plane and pushed our way to baggage plane, we were jet lagged heavily, which was a good thing since of the hour here. Aunt Michelle and uncle Dan came to get us alone; Jack was said to be home- sleeping. And while I doubted that reason, I didn't say a word to question it. I wondered if Zack or Alex had told anyone what had happened because I kept getting worrisome texts and voicemails from everybody: I ignored them all. Their voices were pleading and somber, worried and confused, I couldn't make out if they knew.

I knew something was up the moment the car pulled up in front of the house: the living room light was off. If leaving, my aunt would make sure to leave it on, giving the illusion someone fully conscious was in the home. Cheyenne walked in after my aunt and uncle, just steps ahead of me and grasped my hand, telling me not to do something stupid. The lights came on and I saw everybody standing there; Jack, Brie, Rian, Kara, then, Alex and Zack. I was motionless, speechless, overwhelmed, overjoyed, and most of all, regretful. Under any other circumstance, I would be jumping up and down, hugging everyone, kissing Zack, sharing holiday stories. This time, I can't do that.

Aunt Michelle and uncle Dan retreated up to their room, telling us to keep it down, I wished they hadn't left us. The whole room was silent Cheyenne understood my dilemma with tacit, she stayed by my side. I was staring at everybody in the room, absorbing this all in, they were staring at me, and Cheyenne, trying to find some way to break the ice. Brie was first to speak, letting out a Welcome back. From their conversation was trying to be made, but I was tongue-tied, I couldn't bring myself to speak. At first I thought I was hallucinating, or perhaps dreaming, when I saw both Zack and Alex walking my way.

"Soph," Zack spoke very quietly. I looked up, alarmed at his choice for my name. "What have you done to yourself?"

Over the last few days, I had barely matched. My hair wasn't done. Ghastly.

"We talked about it." Alex said. "Just the two of us. You wouldn't answer."

"It was all a mistake, I understand that." Zack said. "You were both drunk, I remember that much from that night."

"We're cool, the two of us." Alex said. "And we want you to be okay too. The others know what happened, as well, and they're choosing to stay out of it."

"What I want to say the most," Zack said, and it was most important. "I forgive you."