Love Is Not A Victory March
Love is Not a Victory March
It’s been three years since I left him. Three cruel, agonizing and unbearable years.
I never intended to leave him. I always thought we’d be together forever.
We fell in love when I was only 15, and he was two years older than I was. He was my older brother’s best friend, and I suppose the “forbidden fruit” aspect of it is what attracted us to each other in the first place. No. I’m being stupid. He was incredible. He IS incredible.
That's why I was attracted to him.
Tall, tanned with tousled dark brown hair. Big blue puppy dog eyes that truly do bear his entire soul. Soft lips that crinkle into a mischievous yet totally trustworthy smile. I was overwhelmed that somebody that looked like that, was interested in me, Miss Plain Jane. But he was.
He was visiting my brother, they were watching a film. Die Hard I think. I went to the fridge to grab a beer, discretely of course. I was only 15 after all. Then a tap on my shoulder completely ruined my carefully quiet act as it caught me off guard. I spun around to face the spoiler of my plan, and I saw Derek Young.
“Do you mind passing me one?”
“Er..” I could feel myself blushing intensely. Dave’s friends usually ignored me completely, pushing me aside if I was in their way. Talking to me was definitely not protocol. I wasn’t prepared for this.
“Well?”
“I- I er.. I’m not actually getting a beer. I’m underage.”
“And so am I. But I won’t tell if you won’t.”
He smiled at me, and I know it’s cliché but I melted. My hair fell before my face, trying to hide my crimson cheeks even though I knew it was too late. In that instant, I’d fallen for him. I sighed, handed him a beer and left in a hurry. It wasn’t even 5 minutes later before I heard my brother call.
“Hannah! Derek’s sleeping over so get out the camp bed and fix it up in my room will you?”
*Lazy a*s.*
By midnight they were playing videogames and I was sat in the back garden smoking a cigarette. Suddenly I sensed a presence behind me, and, of course, Derek was stood at the door holding two beers in his hand and grinning.
“Fancy another?”
“Erm..ok?”
“Ah, but only if you give me a ciggie.”
I couldn’t help but giggle. I complied willingly and he sat down next to me, lighting up.
“Dear me. I never thought that my friend’s little sister was such a wild child.”
I was confused. Straight A student. Never in trouble. Hardly ever went out. Wild child? I think not.
“How so?”
“Drinking, smoking, and all underage too. Whatever will she do next?”
I laughed, turning pink once again. I could feel his thigh against mine and whenever he moved, they would rub and send electricity through my entire body.
“Erm.. I don’t know. Scary thought I guess.”
He chuckled to himself. His face turned dark. Something was worrying him. His eyes showed plainly.
"Hmmm... I don't think it's all that scary."
"You don't?"
It was like he could barely even look at me, but he turned his head nevertheless and forcefully, hesitantly raised his eyes till they were staring into mine.
“No. I’ll tell you what’s truly scary. It’s scary that right now, all I can think about, is how beautiful you are. And how much I need to kiss you.”
And he did.
I remember nearly two years later, lying in bed together, his arms wrapped around me and warm breath floating around by my ear.
*This is perfect.* I thought, and smiled to myself in the knowledge that it was forever. Derek had just proposed that evening, and we’d both promised to share our love for eternity, even though I was only 17, to me it was true. Our love was unbreakable.
But I left him. I can’t explain why and I know it hurt him. I heard of the tears, the anguish and even the attempted suicide. I couldn’t tell him that I was going through exactly the same. He wouldn’t want to hear it even if I had tried. This was my fault. I was doing this to him.
I didn’t go far. I couldn’t truly leave him, I needed to be close by even if I couldn’t be with him. I watched him. I’ve been watching him for two whole years. Yes. You could call it stalker behaviour, but I love him so much that I can’t bear to completely let him go. I need him.
I’m sitting on my own in a café, not eating or drinking anything. Just sitting and waiting. I look outside and see the grey clouds looming over the rooftops. People are carrying their umbrellas expecting rain and sure enough, I see the very first droplets hitting the pavement like ink stains.
And there he is. Coming in from the rain without an umbrella. Nearly 21 now and even better looking than he was when we were together. More defined, more masculine, sexier.
He can’t see me as I’m hiding in a corner. I watch Derek as he moves to his regular table with his coffee waiting. Black coffee, no milk, no sugar and a doughnut. The staff know his morning routine off by heart, as do I.
He’s dressed head to toe in black. Black jeans, black shirt and a black leather jacket. He looks sullen this morning. Normally he’s quite upbeat at this time of day, but today there’s a metaphorical storm cloud weighing on his shoulders, mirroring the very cloud that is shadowing the city. And I know why.
Today would have been our second wedding anniversary. Had we actually got married that is. I left him stranded at the alter.
Neither of us have been able to move on. We’re trapped in that one fateful day when I messed things up for both of us.
I was in my wedding dress at home, having my customary cigarette. It calms nerves you see. I had an elegant off-white dress, with a corset bodice and a princess skirt. I looked angelic, I knew it. Everything was absolutely perfect.
Derek’s at his table holding a picture. I can see from here that it’s the last picture he’s seen of me. In my wedding dress, sat on my bed laughing at my mum. He hunches over and I can tell he’s crying. I want more than anything to go over to him, hold him, tell him I’m back and everything is going to be ok. But I know I can’t.
We have to move on.
He leaves in a flash and before I move to follow him, I notice he left the photo on the table. I rush over to it and see he has scribbled a message on the back. A message for me.
Hannah, my darling. I know you’re here, next time don’t hide. I want you to know that I’m still missing you, still crying for you but, I’m moving on. I’m doing it sweetheart and I never thought I would.
I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I was left uttely speechless but quick to notice he had left another message. This time on a napkin. This time it was a poem.
My glass is half empty
The pillow is now cold
My love shall never die
Our story must be told
A girl so sweet
A love so tender
She fulfilled my life
I’ll forever remember
She died in flames
A house in smoke
And I run rivers for her
With the tears I choke
In loving memory of Hannah Jameson, who will always be Hannah Young in my eyes.
I love you.
Goodbye.
I smiled to myself. It’s over. I let go.
Love is not a victory march, It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.
I never intended to leave him. I always thought we’d be together forever.
We fell in love when I was only 15, and he was two years older than I was. He was my older brother’s best friend, and I suppose the “forbidden fruit” aspect of it is what attracted us to each other in the first place. No. I’m being stupid. He was incredible. He IS incredible.
That's why I was attracted to him.
Tall, tanned with tousled dark brown hair. Big blue puppy dog eyes that truly do bear his entire soul. Soft lips that crinkle into a mischievous yet totally trustworthy smile. I was overwhelmed that somebody that looked like that, was interested in me, Miss Plain Jane. But he was.
He was visiting my brother, they were watching a film. Die Hard I think. I went to the fridge to grab a beer, discretely of course. I was only 15 after all. Then a tap on my shoulder completely ruined my carefully quiet act as it caught me off guard. I spun around to face the spoiler of my plan, and I saw Derek Young.
“Do you mind passing me one?”
“Er..” I could feel myself blushing intensely. Dave’s friends usually ignored me completely, pushing me aside if I was in their way. Talking to me was definitely not protocol. I wasn’t prepared for this.
“Well?”
“I- I er.. I’m not actually getting a beer. I’m underage.”
“And so am I. But I won’t tell if you won’t.”
He smiled at me, and I know it’s cliché but I melted. My hair fell before my face, trying to hide my crimson cheeks even though I knew it was too late. In that instant, I’d fallen for him. I sighed, handed him a beer and left in a hurry. It wasn’t even 5 minutes later before I heard my brother call.
“Hannah! Derek’s sleeping over so get out the camp bed and fix it up in my room will you?”
*Lazy a*s.*
By midnight they were playing videogames and I was sat in the back garden smoking a cigarette. Suddenly I sensed a presence behind me, and, of course, Derek was stood at the door holding two beers in his hand and grinning.
“Fancy another?”
“Erm..ok?”
“Ah, but only if you give me a ciggie.”
I couldn’t help but giggle. I complied willingly and he sat down next to me, lighting up.
“Dear me. I never thought that my friend’s little sister was such a wild child.”
I was confused. Straight A student. Never in trouble. Hardly ever went out. Wild child? I think not.
“How so?”
“Drinking, smoking, and all underage too. Whatever will she do next?”
I laughed, turning pink once again. I could feel his thigh against mine and whenever he moved, they would rub and send electricity through my entire body.
“Erm.. I don’t know. Scary thought I guess.”
He chuckled to himself. His face turned dark. Something was worrying him. His eyes showed plainly.
"Hmmm... I don't think it's all that scary."
"You don't?"
It was like he could barely even look at me, but he turned his head nevertheless and forcefully, hesitantly raised his eyes till they were staring into mine.
“No. I’ll tell you what’s truly scary. It’s scary that right now, all I can think about, is how beautiful you are. And how much I need to kiss you.”
And he did.
I remember nearly two years later, lying in bed together, his arms wrapped around me and warm breath floating around by my ear.
*This is perfect.* I thought, and smiled to myself in the knowledge that it was forever. Derek had just proposed that evening, and we’d both promised to share our love for eternity, even though I was only 17, to me it was true. Our love was unbreakable.
But I left him. I can’t explain why and I know it hurt him. I heard of the tears, the anguish and even the attempted suicide. I couldn’t tell him that I was going through exactly the same. He wouldn’t want to hear it even if I had tried. This was my fault. I was doing this to him.
I didn’t go far. I couldn’t truly leave him, I needed to be close by even if I couldn’t be with him. I watched him. I’ve been watching him for two whole years. Yes. You could call it stalker behaviour, but I love him so much that I can’t bear to completely let him go. I need him.
I’m sitting on my own in a café, not eating or drinking anything. Just sitting and waiting. I look outside and see the grey clouds looming over the rooftops. People are carrying their umbrellas expecting rain and sure enough, I see the very first droplets hitting the pavement like ink stains.
And there he is. Coming in from the rain without an umbrella. Nearly 21 now and even better looking than he was when we were together. More defined, more masculine, sexier.
He can’t see me as I’m hiding in a corner. I watch Derek as he moves to his regular table with his coffee waiting. Black coffee, no milk, no sugar and a doughnut. The staff know his morning routine off by heart, as do I.
He’s dressed head to toe in black. Black jeans, black shirt and a black leather jacket. He looks sullen this morning. Normally he’s quite upbeat at this time of day, but today there’s a metaphorical storm cloud weighing on his shoulders, mirroring the very cloud that is shadowing the city. And I know why.
Today would have been our second wedding anniversary. Had we actually got married that is. I left him stranded at the alter.
Neither of us have been able to move on. We’re trapped in that one fateful day when I messed things up for both of us.
I was in my wedding dress at home, having my customary cigarette. It calms nerves you see. I had an elegant off-white dress, with a corset bodice and a princess skirt. I looked angelic, I knew it. Everything was absolutely perfect.
Derek’s at his table holding a picture. I can see from here that it’s the last picture he’s seen of me. In my wedding dress, sat on my bed laughing at my mum. He hunches over and I can tell he’s crying. I want more than anything to go over to him, hold him, tell him I’m back and everything is going to be ok. But I know I can’t.
We have to move on.
He leaves in a flash and before I move to follow him, I notice he left the photo on the table. I rush over to it and see he has scribbled a message on the back. A message for me.
Hannah, my darling. I know you’re here, next time don’t hide. I want you to know that I’m still missing you, still crying for you but, I’m moving on. I’m doing it sweetheart and I never thought I would.
I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I was left uttely speechless but quick to notice he had left another message. This time on a napkin. This time it was a poem.
My glass is half empty
The pillow is now cold
My love shall never die
Our story must be told
A girl so sweet
A love so tender
She fulfilled my life
I’ll forever remember
She died in flames
A house in smoke
And I run rivers for her
With the tears I choke
In loving memory of Hannah Jameson, who will always be Hannah Young in my eyes.
I love you.
Goodbye.
I smiled to myself. It’s over. I let go.
Love is not a victory march, It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.
♠ ♠ ♠
Hope you enjoyed it =)Oh, and in case you hadn't noticed, I used the song Hallelujah as inspiration. Although I doubt most of you didn't notice anyways.