Fork and Knife
I Want A Lover I Don't Have To Love
No one slept well that night. I was on the couch while Danhiel was in bed. I was replaying the events over and over as I cried myself to sleep. How could this happen? Where did everything go wrong?
“They tell me I have aids, Ryan.” My heart stopped and my throat went completely dry. “What?” I choked, barely audible, oh but she heard me. “I lied Ryan. I didn’t go to see my aunt, no one died. I went to the hospital, Jesus Christ! I didn’t even leave the fucking state!” She said with tears in her eyes. I jumped up and ran to her pulling into me as I tried to fight back the tears that where threatening to pour down like a river. “How long?” I asked sniffing. She pulled away looking at the floor “they don’t know. They say no more than two weeks.” She said looking into my eyes. And that was when I lost it. I was so angry that she was going to be taken from me I screamed and I yelled and I punched the wall, I kicked the couch I threw photo frames and anything I could my hands on. This wasn’t fair.
“Ryan! Stop!” Danhiel screamed at me. Tears were pouring down her face and she was holding her head in a distressed manner “RYAN!” She screamed as I ignored her and continued to grunt as I pushed over chairs, threw glass against the wall. She slid down against the bedroom wall pulling her knees up to her chest and burying her face in them. I guess she was scared right now. I was too. I couldn’t believe what was happening; everything had been taken from me my music, my friends, Danhiel. There was nothing left for me. I slid down the kitchen counter crying as I rested my head in my hands and cried, and cried and then cried some more.
Danhiel had gone to be about half an hour ago. But I stayed right here afraid that if I fell asleep time will carry on, and that would have been 5 hours of my life I had missed. But then I realized, me sitting here crying and feeling sorry for myself, what the fuck was that going to do? Danhiel was going to die! I had to spend every waking minute with her. But for tonight she had made it quite clear that I wasn’t welcome in the bedroom as the bedroom door was locked and there was a pillow and a blanket sitting at the bottom of the door.
The next morning when I woke up I rubbed my eyes and turned around to see Danhiel talking to a strange man at the door. She nodded and spoke a couple of words but I couldn’t hear her from all the way over on the couch. She slowly closed the door and then turned around and noticed me sitting up now finally awake “Danhiel, I’-” “We have to be gone by 12 today.” She said as she went into our bedroom to start packing things up. I jumped off the couch confused and followed her into the bedroom “why? What? What’s going on?” I asked watching her fold our clothes and put them in old cardboard boxes “Mr. Jones said we can’t stay here any longer. We’ve run out of money for rent, and that was our third warning.” She said stressed and running a hand through her hair. I sat down starting to feel faint. This was our last hope, where are we going to go to now? We can’t afford a motel, neither of us have family, we’re all each other has.
We were out of the trailer by twelve and we put what little things we owned into the car. I had to carry everything out because Danhiel was too weak to even do that. We drove around for a while; we couldn’t go too far because we didn’t have enough money for gas. It was about 7 o’clock now as we came across a cheap diner. I jumped out of the car running over to Danhiel’s side picking her up and wrapping my arm around her waist as we walked into the dinner. We sat down at one of the booths as I stroked her face and kissed her.
“Come on, please. Just one more” I begged her. It seemed as though every second she was getting weaker and weaker and I begged her to have just another mouthful of the spaghetti we ordered that I was feeding to her. “I’m thirsty, Ryan” she said tiredly. I put down the fork and took out a straw and put it into the glass of water holding it up to her face holding her head so gently so that her head didn’t roll back.
We left the dinner not too long after as I carried Danhiel back to the car. Where to now? I drove around for a while until we came across a deserted factory which looked pretty safe, I don’t think the lock on the car doors worked so I had to be careful where I chose for us to stay. I climbed over the back to join Danhiel. She was resting peacefully until she saw me and smiled I smiled back and laid down on my side facing her. She kissed me and moved her hands down to the bottom of my shirt pulling it over my head as she moved on top of me kissing down my neck as I took off her top when I stopped “Danhiel, you’re too weak” I said stroking her face. “Ryan, I’m going to die next week and I can’t die without making love to you one last time.” She said with tears in her eyes. I didn’t want to start crying again in front of her so I pulled her lips back down.
Afterwards as we both lay in the dark glow from the moonlight her body was still shaking. She had rolled over to her side and she wouldn’t even let me touch her. I would move closer and press against her back and she would just push me away. I would wrap my arm over her waist and against her stomach and she would take it off. We were starting to feel like two different people and not the one combined like we used to be.
“They tell me I have aids, Ryan.” My heart stopped and my throat went completely dry. “What?” I choked, barely audible, oh but she heard me. “I lied Ryan. I didn’t go to see my aunt, no one died. I went to the hospital, Jesus Christ! I didn’t even leave the fucking state!” She said with tears in her eyes. I jumped up and ran to her pulling into me as I tried to fight back the tears that where threatening to pour down like a river. “How long?” I asked sniffing. She pulled away looking at the floor “they don’t know. They say no more than two weeks.” She said looking into my eyes. And that was when I lost it. I was so angry that she was going to be taken from me I screamed and I yelled and I punched the wall, I kicked the couch I threw photo frames and anything I could my hands on. This wasn’t fair.
“Ryan! Stop!” Danhiel screamed at me. Tears were pouring down her face and she was holding her head in a distressed manner “RYAN!” She screamed as I ignored her and continued to grunt as I pushed over chairs, threw glass against the wall. She slid down against the bedroom wall pulling her knees up to her chest and burying her face in them. I guess she was scared right now. I was too. I couldn’t believe what was happening; everything had been taken from me my music, my friends, Danhiel. There was nothing left for me. I slid down the kitchen counter crying as I rested my head in my hands and cried, and cried and then cried some more.
Danhiel had gone to be about half an hour ago. But I stayed right here afraid that if I fell asleep time will carry on, and that would have been 5 hours of my life I had missed. But then I realized, me sitting here crying and feeling sorry for myself, what the fuck was that going to do? Danhiel was going to die! I had to spend every waking minute with her. But for tonight she had made it quite clear that I wasn’t welcome in the bedroom as the bedroom door was locked and there was a pillow and a blanket sitting at the bottom of the door.
The next morning when I woke up I rubbed my eyes and turned around to see Danhiel talking to a strange man at the door. She nodded and spoke a couple of words but I couldn’t hear her from all the way over on the couch. She slowly closed the door and then turned around and noticed me sitting up now finally awake “Danhiel, I’-” “We have to be gone by 12 today.” She said as she went into our bedroom to start packing things up. I jumped off the couch confused and followed her into the bedroom “why? What? What’s going on?” I asked watching her fold our clothes and put them in old cardboard boxes “Mr. Jones said we can’t stay here any longer. We’ve run out of money for rent, and that was our third warning.” She said stressed and running a hand through her hair. I sat down starting to feel faint. This was our last hope, where are we going to go to now? We can’t afford a motel, neither of us have family, we’re all each other has.
We were out of the trailer by twelve and we put what little things we owned into the car. I had to carry everything out because Danhiel was too weak to even do that. We drove around for a while; we couldn’t go too far because we didn’t have enough money for gas. It was about 7 o’clock now as we came across a cheap diner. I jumped out of the car running over to Danhiel’s side picking her up and wrapping my arm around her waist as we walked into the dinner. We sat down at one of the booths as I stroked her face and kissed her.
“Come on, please. Just one more” I begged her. It seemed as though every second she was getting weaker and weaker and I begged her to have just another mouthful of the spaghetti we ordered that I was feeding to her. “I’m thirsty, Ryan” she said tiredly. I put down the fork and took out a straw and put it into the glass of water holding it up to her face holding her head so gently so that her head didn’t roll back.
We left the dinner not too long after as I carried Danhiel back to the car. Where to now? I drove around for a while until we came across a deserted factory which looked pretty safe, I don’t think the lock on the car doors worked so I had to be careful where I chose for us to stay. I climbed over the back to join Danhiel. She was resting peacefully until she saw me and smiled I smiled back and laid down on my side facing her. She kissed me and moved her hands down to the bottom of my shirt pulling it over my head as she moved on top of me kissing down my neck as I took off her top when I stopped “Danhiel, you’re too weak” I said stroking her face. “Ryan, I’m going to die next week and I can’t die without making love to you one last time.” She said with tears in her eyes. I didn’t want to start crying again in front of her so I pulled her lips back down.
Afterwards as we both lay in the dark glow from the moonlight her body was still shaking. She had rolled over to her side and she wouldn’t even let me touch her. I would move closer and press against her back and she would just push me away. I would wrap my arm over her waist and against her stomach and she would take it off. We were starting to feel like two different people and not the one combined like we used to be.