Take Off Your Make Up and Put Down the Camera
Twelve
Today is the funeral. July 12th, 2008. I just can’t get my head around my dad being gone. It’s too weird and sad to think that way.
“Baby, are you ready?” Gabe whispered.
I slowly nodded and we followed my mom out. Sisky and Audra were behind us. My mom was riding with my grandma and Sisky was driving her car with us in it.
It only took us about twenty minutes to get to the church. I really didn’t want to do this….ever. We all got out of the car and Gabe immediately took my hand into his own. He gave me a weak smile and I just bit my lip.
Audra and I got asked to give a speech, but I really don’t want to talk in front of these people. I’ve already told myself that I could do it, even if I was scared. It was for my dad, after all.
Audra didn’t take long at all to say what she had planned. She hugged me as I stepped up to the podium.
I sucked in a breath and looked out at everyone.
“My dad was an amazing person. He was my role model, best friend and my dad all in one. Not once did he ever break a promise to me. We didn’t get along sometimes, but we always said we were sorry after we cooled off a bit. He helped me through the worst times of my life and he was there for the best times too. He loved my twin and I equally, but we always joked around that I was the favorite one,” I laughed at that memory.
“I think my favorite memory of us as a family was about a year ago. Mom and dad decided that we needed a family vacation. We ended up going to Disneyland in California. It was the first time we had been to the West Coast. I remember dad got sick on Thunder Mountain. Audra, mom and I never let him live that down. We teased him endlessly about it, but he just took it in stride. I’m going to miss our random talks at three in the morning. Sometimes, I couldn’t sleep and dad would keep me company. Mom always mentioned it, but I don’t think she minded. I love my dad and I always will.”
I wiped away tears and walked back to my seat. Gabe was waiting with open arms and I cried on his shoulder.
Before I could even register what was going on, we were in the graveyard. My mom held one hand while Audra had my other one. Gabe and Sisky were off to the side, watching us.
We watched the casket get lowered into the ground, and my dad was gone forever. All the people who attended the funeral said their respects before they left and then we ended up back at our house.
“Audra, Keegan, I think I’m going to move out of this house. I don’t think I can stay here anymore,” Mom declared.
“What? Mom, you can’t just leave. Where are you going to move to?” Audra asked.
I thought it was an okay idea. I wouldn’t be able to stay somewhere that my love died either. This house has so many memories though, good and bad memories.
“Chicago, maybe. So I can be closer to you two.”
I lightly smiled, “I won’t be back for another two months and Audra will be gone longer.”
“I’ll be okay.”
“You really want to leave?” Audra asked.
Mom nodded her head yes. Audra sighed and hugged mom. I figured I’d let them have their moment. Sisky had went up to the guestroom to pack his things since the boys were leaving the next morning. They had to catch a flight to Florida.
“Are you coming back with us?” Gabe asked.
“I want to, believe me, but I don’t know how this is going to work with my mom. Audra is going back on tour with her band. Who is going to take care of my mom? She’s pretty much an emotional wreck right now.”
Gabe nodded in understanding, “You know you’re welcome to join back with us anytime. We need, well, TAI needs their extra merch person. I need you too.”
I smiled, “I know.”
He kissed me on the cheek.
“Thanks for being here for me.”
“You’re welcome.”
Gabe laid down on my bed and I walked into my closet. I pulled out the box that was hidden behind old clothes and stuff I didn’t need anymore. It was a pretty big box, too.
“What’s that?” Gabe asked.
“A lot of old memories. Come look with me.”
He got up and then sat next to me on the floor. I opened it carefully. There is no telling what got put in the box.
“Wow, its been forever since I’ve seen some of this stuff.”
I pulled out an old journal. Most of the entries were before I started coke and then right when I got out of rehab. I handed it to Gabe.
“If you really want an insight into my past, this is your best bet. Its better then me having to tell you everything that happened.”
“Okay, are you sure you want me to read it? I mean, it’s a journal that you meant to keep private….”
“I’m sure. I trust you.”
Trust is a big thing for me. You loose my trust and you can forget me being in your life.
“Baby, are you ready?” Gabe whispered.
I slowly nodded and we followed my mom out. Sisky and Audra were behind us. My mom was riding with my grandma and Sisky was driving her car with us in it.
It only took us about twenty minutes to get to the church. I really didn’t want to do this….ever. We all got out of the car and Gabe immediately took my hand into his own. He gave me a weak smile and I just bit my lip.
Audra and I got asked to give a speech, but I really don’t want to talk in front of these people. I’ve already told myself that I could do it, even if I was scared. It was for my dad, after all.
Audra didn’t take long at all to say what she had planned. She hugged me as I stepped up to the podium.
I sucked in a breath and looked out at everyone.
“My dad was an amazing person. He was my role model, best friend and my dad all in one. Not once did he ever break a promise to me. We didn’t get along sometimes, but we always said we were sorry after we cooled off a bit. He helped me through the worst times of my life and he was there for the best times too. He loved my twin and I equally, but we always joked around that I was the favorite one,” I laughed at that memory.
“I think my favorite memory of us as a family was about a year ago. Mom and dad decided that we needed a family vacation. We ended up going to Disneyland in California. It was the first time we had been to the West Coast. I remember dad got sick on Thunder Mountain. Audra, mom and I never let him live that down. We teased him endlessly about it, but he just took it in stride. I’m going to miss our random talks at three in the morning. Sometimes, I couldn’t sleep and dad would keep me company. Mom always mentioned it, but I don’t think she minded. I love my dad and I always will.”
I wiped away tears and walked back to my seat. Gabe was waiting with open arms and I cried on his shoulder.
Before I could even register what was going on, we were in the graveyard. My mom held one hand while Audra had my other one. Gabe and Sisky were off to the side, watching us.
We watched the casket get lowered into the ground, and my dad was gone forever. All the people who attended the funeral said their respects before they left and then we ended up back at our house.
“Audra, Keegan, I think I’m going to move out of this house. I don’t think I can stay here anymore,” Mom declared.
“What? Mom, you can’t just leave. Where are you going to move to?” Audra asked.
I thought it was an okay idea. I wouldn’t be able to stay somewhere that my love died either. This house has so many memories though, good and bad memories.
“Chicago, maybe. So I can be closer to you two.”
I lightly smiled, “I won’t be back for another two months and Audra will be gone longer.”
“I’ll be okay.”
“You really want to leave?” Audra asked.
Mom nodded her head yes. Audra sighed and hugged mom. I figured I’d let them have their moment. Sisky had went up to the guestroom to pack his things since the boys were leaving the next morning. They had to catch a flight to Florida.
“Are you coming back with us?” Gabe asked.
“I want to, believe me, but I don’t know how this is going to work with my mom. Audra is going back on tour with her band. Who is going to take care of my mom? She’s pretty much an emotional wreck right now.”
Gabe nodded in understanding, “You know you’re welcome to join back with us anytime. We need, well, TAI needs their extra merch person. I need you too.”
I smiled, “I know.”
He kissed me on the cheek.
“Thanks for being here for me.”
“You’re welcome.”
Gabe laid down on my bed and I walked into my closet. I pulled out the box that was hidden behind old clothes and stuff I didn’t need anymore. It was a pretty big box, too.
“What’s that?” Gabe asked.
“A lot of old memories. Come look with me.”
He got up and then sat next to me on the floor. I opened it carefully. There is no telling what got put in the box.
“Wow, its been forever since I’ve seen some of this stuff.”
I pulled out an old journal. Most of the entries were before I started coke and then right when I got out of rehab. I handed it to Gabe.
“If you really want an insight into my past, this is your best bet. Its better then me having to tell you everything that happened.”
“Okay, are you sure you want me to read it? I mean, it’s a journal that you meant to keep private….”
“I’m sure. I trust you.”
Trust is a big thing for me. You loose my trust and you can forget me being in your life.