Someday I will Understand
Chapter 16, Do I want to be here
Kate woke up the next day oblivious to the surroundings around her, in a state like trance, she walked to Hayden’s nursery where she sat on the rocking chair with on of his baby blankets, she had no thoughts, just to blankly stare at the wall.
Lance on the other hand could control his feelings but at the same time knew that Kate shouldn’t be like this, he needed her more then ever. They had arrangements to make, he knew the past few weeks he had been a real asshole to Kate and he was so racked up with guilt about it, though they weren’t together anymore he loved her a lot especially as she was the mother of his only son.
He watched Kate fall more out of reality and in to her own little world, he couldn’t watch any longer, he walked into the room grabbed her and started to shake while yelling "wake the fuck up, you cant do this to yourself" in reply Kate screamed "What else do you want me to do" "Its no ones fault it just happened"
Kate could feel she was losing control emotionally and physically and she didnt care "Just leave me alone" was all she could muster to say "I cant let you do that Kate, we need you, I really need you"
Gerard could hear the screaming but he didnt want to worry, after Kate’s aftermath of destroying her car she had slept the rest of the night with him in his arms. Gerard didnt know what else to do besides be there for Kate and he with that he didnt even know how, the last 24 hrs he had seen a change and he could see that Kate wasn’t herself and he as well hated it.
Kate knew she just wanted to be left alone to be able to fall deeper in to her own sadness, she didnt want to deal with reality she was having a hard enough time knowing that her son was no longer there.
Lance left knowing that he wasn’t getting through to Kate and he didnt know what else to do so he walked off,
Time passed and Kate didnt leave Hayden's room, she was in her own little world, Gerard would constantly check on her but this time when he came in, he spoke to her "hey baby I think you need to eat you haven’t eaten all day" Kate looked towards him in a daze and spoke "I’m not hungry" "well baby why don’t you get some air please" Gerard said trying to plead with her
Kate just looked and turned away, she knew she was hurting him by not talking and just ignoring, but at the same time she wanted him to hold her and make it all go away, when ever she was in his arms she felt that, she knew she didnt mean to push Gerard away from her but in her head she really didnt care.
Kate looked at Gerard again and spoke "Gerard"
"Yeah Katie"
"Maybe I will get some air"
"Great baby" Gerard said soothingly
"You know what? I hate the way I’m feeling, I feel like I don’t wanna be here anymore, I cant cope just thinking of him gets me upset and the thought of never being able to hold him again is killing me, I love him so much and now he's not here and for once in my life I really don’t know what to do" Kate said
"I know sugar, it will get easier for you I know it must be so hard for you right now" Gerard said as he held on to Kate and kissed her on the cheek.
They both went downstairs and everyone was astonished to see that Kate was moving, Kate's father walked over to her and started to talk "Hey darling, glad to see your up"
Kate looked towards her dad and smiled
Keisha started to speak "Hey honey, I need you when your ready to read over this statement when your ready"
"What’s it about"
"The press have been ringing wanting to know why you were at the hospital yesterday so I have written a statement I want you to check before I get it emailed and you and Lance can be left in peace and quiet"
"Ok I’ll check it now"
Kate took the piece of paper from Keisha and started to read ' The family of Kate and Lance bass are deeply sadden to announce the death of there only son Hayden who died yesterday under tragic circumstances, They ask that you respect there wishes and allow them to be able to grieve privately'
Tears started to dwell in Kate’s eyes, when reading the email that was to be sent to the press, it made her upset but she knew that it would stop any questioning and hopefully leave her and her family at peace even if for just a short time.
A few days had passed and Kate wasn’t getting better, she was trying so hard to hold it together, but deep down she just wanted to crawl in to a hole and be left a lone she knew she had to be strong and she was trying so hard to do so, she had noticed that there was a lot of press around outside her front gates, it was so hard going in and out,
but also that people were laying flowers outside her gate which she couldn’t believe it didnt make her happy but she certainly thought that it was very sweet that people would think of something like that.
Gerard had stuck by Kate’s side the entire time and never questioned anything she said nor done, he was just there for and she was so thankful for it, to have someone in her life who was there just there for her.
The funeral arrangements had been made and Kate knew she wasn’t ready for tomorrow but she had to be, it would also be the day her and Gerard would be out together in public, she didnt care what anyone thought it was the last thing on her mind.
All she wanted to do today was try and cope and get through it as she knew tomorrow was going to be one of the hardest days in her life and she didnt know what to think.
Lance on the other hand could control his feelings but at the same time knew that Kate shouldn’t be like this, he needed her more then ever. They had arrangements to make, he knew the past few weeks he had been a real asshole to Kate and he was so racked up with guilt about it, though they weren’t together anymore he loved her a lot especially as she was the mother of his only son.
He watched Kate fall more out of reality and in to her own little world, he couldn’t watch any longer, he walked into the room grabbed her and started to shake while yelling "wake the fuck up, you cant do this to yourself" in reply Kate screamed "What else do you want me to do" "Its no ones fault it just happened"
Kate could feel she was losing control emotionally and physically and she didnt care "Just leave me alone" was all she could muster to say "I cant let you do that Kate, we need you, I really need you"
Gerard could hear the screaming but he didnt want to worry, after Kate’s aftermath of destroying her car she had slept the rest of the night with him in his arms. Gerard didnt know what else to do besides be there for Kate and he with that he didnt even know how, the last 24 hrs he had seen a change and he could see that Kate wasn’t herself and he as well hated it.
Kate knew she just wanted to be left alone to be able to fall deeper in to her own sadness, she didnt want to deal with reality she was having a hard enough time knowing that her son was no longer there.
Lance left knowing that he wasn’t getting through to Kate and he didnt know what else to do so he walked off,
Time passed and Kate didnt leave Hayden's room, she was in her own little world, Gerard would constantly check on her but this time when he came in, he spoke to her "hey baby I think you need to eat you haven’t eaten all day" Kate looked towards him in a daze and spoke "I’m not hungry" "well baby why don’t you get some air please" Gerard said trying to plead with her
Kate just looked and turned away, she knew she was hurting him by not talking and just ignoring, but at the same time she wanted him to hold her and make it all go away, when ever she was in his arms she felt that, she knew she didnt mean to push Gerard away from her but in her head she really didnt care.
Kate looked at Gerard again and spoke "Gerard"
"Yeah Katie"
"Maybe I will get some air"
"Great baby" Gerard said soothingly
"You know what? I hate the way I’m feeling, I feel like I don’t wanna be here anymore, I cant cope just thinking of him gets me upset and the thought of never being able to hold him again is killing me, I love him so much and now he's not here and for once in my life I really don’t know what to do" Kate said
"I know sugar, it will get easier for you I know it must be so hard for you right now" Gerard said as he held on to Kate and kissed her on the cheek.
They both went downstairs and everyone was astonished to see that Kate was moving, Kate's father walked over to her and started to talk "Hey darling, glad to see your up"
Kate looked towards her dad and smiled
Keisha started to speak "Hey honey, I need you when your ready to read over this statement when your ready"
"What’s it about"
"The press have been ringing wanting to know why you were at the hospital yesterday so I have written a statement I want you to check before I get it emailed and you and Lance can be left in peace and quiet"
"Ok I’ll check it now"
Kate took the piece of paper from Keisha and started to read ' The family of Kate and Lance bass are deeply sadden to announce the death of there only son Hayden who died yesterday under tragic circumstances, They ask that you respect there wishes and allow them to be able to grieve privately'
Tears started to dwell in Kate’s eyes, when reading the email that was to be sent to the press, it made her upset but she knew that it would stop any questioning and hopefully leave her and her family at peace even if for just a short time.
A few days had passed and Kate wasn’t getting better, she was trying so hard to hold it together, but deep down she just wanted to crawl in to a hole and be left a lone she knew she had to be strong and she was trying so hard to do so, she had noticed that there was a lot of press around outside her front gates, it was so hard going in and out,
but also that people were laying flowers outside her gate which she couldn’t believe it didnt make her happy but she certainly thought that it was very sweet that people would think of something like that.
Gerard had stuck by Kate’s side the entire time and never questioned anything she said nor done, he was just there for and she was so thankful for it, to have someone in her life who was there just there for her.
The funeral arrangements had been made and Kate knew she wasn’t ready for tomorrow but she had to be, it would also be the day her and Gerard would be out together in public, she didnt care what anyone thought it was the last thing on her mind.
All she wanted to do today was try and cope and get through it as she knew tomorrow was going to be one of the hardest days in her life and she didnt know what to think.