Someday I will Understand

The day had finally arrived for Kate to say goodbye, having stayed up most of the night Kate didnt know how she was gonna cope. Emotionally she had nothing left her feelings were just not there anymore.

Kate could see that Gerard was waking up as he rolled over while in bed “Hi baby”was all she could muster “Morning sugar! What time is it, how long have you been up for?” “I don’t know, mainly most of the night, Gerard I don’t think I can do it today, it’d too hard”
“Baby don’t think like that, think as though you are celebrating Hayden’s life, it will make it all so much better for you”

Kate walked over to Gerard and kissed him on the lips and softly spoke “I love you, you always make me feel better and you have been so understanding, I don’t know what I’d do if I didnt have you in my life”
“Baby I’ll always be here”

Kate walked to her wardrobe and pulled out a simple black dress and cardigan and put them on with black heels and placed her long blond hair in to a simple pony tail, while applying some natural colors of makeup, Gerard got dressed and put on a pair of black pants and with a navy blue shirt (he didn’t dress like this but this was something he needed to do especially for Kate and it was definitely out of respect) as they were both ready they sat on the bed together while Gerard placed his arms around Kate and rubbed her back.
Kate loved the way Gerard treated her and understood her, she knew generally she would hold everything back as she had been burnt in the past but with Gerard she knew she could talk or even when he held her it was like he knew what she was thinking.
Gerard loved the way he could be with Kate, he could be normal there was no being someone else, it was simple yet perfect.

It was time for them to leave, Kate put her sunglasses on as she didn’t want to be photographed just to be left alone.

Kate knew today was going to be a big service and she was sure there would be a lot of celebrities there, who she had made friends with over the time being that she was in the entertainment industry, The MCR boys would also be there and Kate was well aware she would meet there partners, that was one thing she was looking forward to as she had gotten to know the boys so well, she wanted to meet there other halves in their lives- even if it was under tragic circumstances - The cars proceeded to the Knott Avenue Christian Church and from there the procession would proceed to Sunnyside Cemetery in Long Beach for a private burial for Kate and her family, Gerard would be attending but everyone else would head back to Kate’s house for a celebration of Hayden’s life.

Rather then have eulogy of Hayden, it was done with a slide show of photo’s with background music “Someday (I Will Understand”

******************************************************************************************* (which is sung by Britney Spears, I think it is a beautiful song and the lyrics can be found in my journal on my profile if you wish to read it) *******************************************************************************************

After the service and walking out of the church door’s Kate was being held on to by Gerard as he tried to cover her there were photo’s being taking left right and center, bright lights were flashing everywhere, he popped her in the car and got in him self “are you ok Katie”

Kate couldn’t say anything under her sunglasses tears were falling down her face, she was thinking in a short time I will be saying goodbye and the thought of that was hurting so much, Gerard took the sunglasses off her face and could see the pain in her eyes he softly kissed her and held her tight.

At the burial it was very small and private - Kate could see that there were helicopter’s flying around, knowing it would be the press - to her this was the only day she wanted to be left alone and yet that couldn’t happen.

As Hayden was laid to rest Kate and Lance had said their final goodbye to there son, roses were thrown on top of the coffin.
That’s when Kate really broke down she knew this was it, it was a very sad ending.

Once Kate got back to the house she started to feel a little better especially when she saw people that really loved her were at her house wanting to help her through this hard time, time passed very quickly and Kate wasn’t able to spend much time with Gerard, she knew she wanted to but they were always separated a short time later.

When they finally did get time together every one else had left it was only Kate with the rest of the MCR boys and there partners along with Kate and Lance’s family and Keisha.
Gerard took Kate for a walk outside where he could just be with her alone, as they shared a private moment Gerard spoke “Kate” he said as he looked deeply into her eyes “I um have a question to ask you”

Kate looked up at him still bearing the pain of losing a son “What hunny”
“How would you like to come on tour with me and the rest of the guys, we have already spoken about it and they would love to have you there, I know it’s a bit impromptu, but I want you there with me”

Kate didn’t know what to say, being away from her family - but then she thought it would be good to get away so she could get her head clear and be able to mourn in private rather then in LA where she was known every where and as she was always followed “I’d love to baby” she said as she gave him a big hug, Gerard felt relieved, he thought maybe he would push her away and that was the last thing he wanted. Deep down Kate just wanted to end her life , depression was taking over, she just didn’t show it due to her acting skills, she didn’t want anyone to see her with her guard down so she acted as though she was hurting, she didn’t show the deeper pain that was being caused.

Kate told Gerard she needed to go for a walk to clear her head, what he didn’t know was that she had taken a bottle of vodka and she wanted to drown in her own sorrow’s
As Kate sat on the beach - which was just a 2 minute walk from Kate’s house as it over looked the beach - she took swigs from the vodka bottle and thought nothing, her mind was blank, slowly she drank more and sat there on the sand as though she was like a rock not moving at all, when all of sudden she got the urge to move and get in the water, already nearly drunk she moved closer to the water where the waves started to hit her toes, there was one part of her reluctant to move, but the other part was saying get in don’t you wanna be with your son, which Kate at this moment wanted more then ever as she was unable to think clearly,.

Gerard from the distance could see that someone was half way deep in the water automatically he thought it was Kate, along with the rest of the guys and there partners who had headed down the beach to relax, ran down to the water front, Gerard hesitated to get in the water and called Kate’s name “ KATE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE YOU COULD HURT YOURSELF” realizing that she wasn’t listening Gerard went in after her along with Bob. Kate turned around and saw that Gerard was in the water as she slurred she yelled “It’s time for me to go”
As Bob was getting closer to her Gerard yelled back “Katie I need you, I know your hurting, But baby come out of the water”
“I cant Gerard, I’ve been called this my destiny”
“Baby what are you on about, I love you but please don’t do this”
“Its time for me to go, there is nothing left for me, the only thing I truly loved has been taken from me, I don’t have anything to live for”
“Katie bear please come to me, I need you baby” Gerard said as he started to cry, the thought he could loose her made him cringe inside.

Kate thought she could see the light to her resurrection, rather it was a wave that pulled her under - everything went blank for her, Gerard couldn’t see or hear her “Where the Fuck is she”
“I don’t know she went under” Bob yelled back
“FUCK FUCK FUCK” was all Gerard could manage.

Slowly Kate made it to the surface and started to splash around in the water and screamed “Somebody help me, Gerard where you?”
“I can see her” Bob said as he swam over to her and grabbed her

Bob carried Kate out of the water and handed her to Gerard “I’m soo sorry baby I don’t know what I was thinking”
“Are you ok, you fucking scared the shit out of me”
“I’m ok, I don’t know what overcame me, just a little cold “Kate said as she shivered
Gerard still holding her sat down on the sand where everyone else was and held her tightly in his arms
“Please don’t tell my family, they would have me committed for this” she said crying
“I promise baby, but promise you will never do anything like that again”
“I promise” Kate said as she kissed Gerard with her wet lips