Don't Turn Your Back My Dear, Never Turn Your Back On Fear

Someone give Jussi some vodka. The guy is a god for being able to carry me. He dropped me on my couch and went to sit somewhere else. But I kept him from doing so and gingerly tugged on him to sit with me. I don't want to be around anyone else without him or but him.

And I have no idea why I want to be around Jussi. He's so unique and unlike any man I know. It sounds like he knows me before we actually knew each other. It's confusing, but it somehow makes sense. Whatever it is between us, Jussi crawled over behind me and hugged me. I smiled and muttered a thank you. After some very awkward and long silence, Janos spoke up.

"Your brother is just being an ass. He's been like that since birth, just forget about him."

"Oh I have. He and Abby are now dead to me. The only people that matter from their side of the family are Derrek and Malati."

"... You're not going to leave Helsinki?" Janos hesitated to finally say, I glared at him and growled.

"Well I'm NOT going to go back to the place I left for a reason after being gone for barely a month. It's either here or somewhere else. And I am not transferring schools over some tiny thing as this. Nor heading back home only to be confronted with the same problems that I tried fixing but didn't fix them completely. They're dead to me, they can fucking fuck the president for all I care."

"Seriously?"

"Honestly, I would rather be stuck on vacation with Eric, Draco, Emily, and Martha. Three out of four of them are my in-laws, they don't give a fuck what I do. Eventually they'd get bored of pissing me off and find some poor soul to piss off. Not my damn problem, but when the problem is me they can fucking fuck a goat and have fucked up babies."

Janos let out a sigh. I felt a hand just barely run through my hair. But the hand pulled away and went around me waist. God I wish Jussi just went through with his previous action; it would have calmed me down.

"Are you okay love? I know it's a stupid question, but its human nature."

"I'm fine Ville." No I'm not.

"You shouldn't listen to your brother. None of us like him that much; he just gave us discounts on the tattoos." Jyrki said to me in an older, father like voice. And for once, I'm going to listen to it and heed it.

"Star," The pet name Janos gave me. His is Janette. "Did you eat?"

I avoided answering and covered my head. Jussi was (finally) able to rest his head on mine. The very cute moment was ruined by Janos.

"If you don't remember my dinner plans were interrupted and now I'm not that hungry."

"Damn it! Eat something!"

"Don't test me Janos! I'm not in a fuckity fuck mood! If you want to eat something be my guest! But I'm fine!"

Before going to back to hide in my darkness, Janos and I were getting confused looks. I'm not in the mood to go in depth with one of my problems. I consider HIM, Jyrki, and Jussi as my family/close friends. And at the same time falling in love with Jussi, but I can't bring myself to open up to them. I want to be, but I'm just scared and immature.

"I'll make you something anyway." Janos muttered and got up to the kitchen.
Jussi nuzzled his head to my neck and breathed in, "What aren't you telling me love?"

Everything.

"Please love." Jussi whispered and kissed my cheek.

"They'd have to be gone." I whispered just as quietly as he whispered.

"Jussi, are you going to stay here?" Timo wondered to Jussi in Finnish. I have no idea what they're saying since my Finnish hasn't gotten any better; only worse.

"I am worried about Antoinette. Go, have fun. I will take care of her." I heard my name be mentioned but didn't ask anything else.

The next fifteen minutes or possibly longer were mysteries to me. Jussi's breathing on my neck quickly put me into a dreamless sleep. The only reason that I woke up was from a herd of foot steps walking past me then disappear. I rolled over on my back and didn't feel Jussi. He was standing up and heading my way.

"Where did the others go?"

"They had plans."

"Why didn't you go?" I feel like a bitch.

"Because I said I would watch over you." I feel even more like a bitch. Jussi doesn't need to stay.

"Oh okay.... What did Janos make?" Jussi shrugged and showed me his bowl. "That fucker. He knows I can't resist that."

I rolled off the couch and went to the stove. I took a bowl and served myself some Romanian Potato Soup. It made me wonder how long I was asleep and where I got all this food from. I didn't even know I bought potatoes.

"What is it?" Jussi asked about the soup.

"Romanian potato soup. But knowing Janos, he puts mozzarella cheese in it and the cheese melts."

"It's not that bad."

"I could honestly live off this... if I knew where the hell the stupid lime is." I said to myself while looking in the refrigerator.

Finally! I found the stupid green citrus fruity thingy. I cut this stupid thing in half and squeezed some into my soup. I sat down back on my couch with Jussi following my actions but sitting across from me.

"Antoinette, I know you're keeping things from me." I sighed.

"When you're the youngest of seven, barely know your parents, have been involved in the 'wrong clique' more than once you'd have issues too.... I know nothing about my family; primarily my parents. Growing up my 'parents' were my siblings. My mom is a flight attendant and as I think you know, my dad is in the military. I haven't seen my dad since I was sixteen; my mom is too busy with work for me to talk to her. The last time I saw her was when I went to Finland, she's the one that got me the tickets and flight. But anyways, since my parents weren't around while I grew up I didn't have a great life. Every single teacher I had compared me to my siblings, they expect you to be like them. But instead I was the opposite and had my ups and downs.

"Some of my teachers thought I was unstable due to my very discreet emotions. The thing that assured them I was insane was when I was in second grade and dyed my hair black. Originally I had light blonde hair. They were worried that my 'mental stability' would die as I get older. They came up with tens of thousands scenarios of my future. And those didn't help because I actually did believe them. Well after those horrid years off elementary school, day care, and parts of middle school things only got worse. I started getting serious about things and actually passed high school when I was seventeen; which is just a year earlier. But somewhere between my Sophomore and Junior year the "skinny trend" was introduced. I've always been tall and thin, not skinny. And in high school, when you're not skinny you're messed with. I've been messed around with physically and mentally that for that one year or so I've been anorexic. But after senior and getting into Colorado University I sort of grew out of my anorexia phase. But some of the habits didn't completely die. I'm not the average one hundred thirty pounds. I'm like fifteen pounds lighter than tha-"

"You're not really fifteen pounds lighter than that." Jussi protested. I put my bowl down on the table and smirked to him.

"Wanna bet?"

"Where's your scale?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed. After what I just told him, he still doesn't get it.

"Jussi, you're asking a semi-anorexic girl if she has a scale."

"You've got a point. We'll ask your neighbors."

"You can do the asking."

"That's all right; all you have to do is get on scale."

Jussi took my hand and pulled me to my neighbor across the hall. Apparently my other neighbors are a couple that are newly weds around Ville's age. Plus they spoke Finnish and very little English; very being the key word in that statement. But Jussi handled everything. Within seconds we were standing in their living room and the man's wife [or fiancé, or girlfriend, or whatever] was getting a stool. I probably should have mentioned to Jussi that the last time I was on a scale was the day that I was called fat.

That day being: September 18, 1997.

Jussi let go of my hand and now I had to go on that stupid scale. All I have to be thankful for is the fact that I can't measure things in kilograms. I stood on the scale not looking at the number dial.

"Jussi, tell me what it is."

"It's around 45.4 or 45.5..." Jussi trailed off to look at the people. The woman cleared her throat.

"That is close to one hundred pounds." She said in a thick Finnish accent.

But I heard it clearly and understood it so well. By looking at Jussi I could tell that he didn't know 45.4kg was a hundred pounds. The man next to him didn't even know that. I stepped off the scale and watched it go all the way to zero. I barely touched Jussi's arm to get him out of his trance.

"Let's go." I whispered.

"Right love," Jussi later said thank you to the couple and I just smiled. We walked across to my apartment.

"There's the reason why I haven't been on a scale in five years." I whispered and hurried to my room.

But being a man Jussi didn't want to let things go and followed me there. I waited for him to say something while I went back into bed. I know hehas something to say wants to say something. No matter what it is I'll end up feeling horrible.

"It scares me how thin you are, but I'm not bothered by it. I can't change you, I want to change your weight. But if I do I'll only be making things worse. I don't want you to hate me for making you go on that scale. If I knew the outcome I wouldn't have even interrupted you."

"I hate myself more than anyone in the world. But ha ha, I win." Jussi looked at me with confusion. I grinned at him.

"What?"

"I win."

"What do you mean you win? Shouldn't you be all womany and emotional?"

"I bet you on my weight. And I'm not going all lady shit on you."

"Love, you say fifteen pounds. Not thirty."

"I said I'm like fifteen pounds lighter. I never said fifteen pounds exactly."

"But you used fifteen pounds."

"Gah! This is annoying! Let's move on!"

"God woman," Jussi mumbled. "You must be bipolar."

"I'm not bipolar! I just see bad things in good light."

"That made sense love. As I think, you're doing better."

"I am."

"Feel like meeting up with the guys and going for a drink?"

"Does that drink involve any sort of hard alcohol?" I cooed in question. Jussi smirked and kissed my lips.

"Possibly."

"I'm in. But let me change first."

"I'll just get comfortable." Jussi stated before lying down on my bed.

I sat up and stared at him. I sighed knowing that he wasn't going to budge. Then again, I should be use to this and I am. Standing up I removed my shirt. I exchanged it for a teal and black striped pirate tee. Jussi's eyes opened up and I threw him my sweatpants. They hit his face and for a couple moments he couldn't see me pull my skinny jeans. But he did get the chance to see me put my trainers on. Finished with changing I faced Jussi. He was frowning at me.

"I can't believe you threw your pants at me."

"I couldn't resist." I multitasked while putting skull earrings and some necklace that had random shapes hanging from it.

"You clean up nicely."

"Thank you." I beamed. "Feel like grabbing a sweater from my closet for me?"

Jussi was on it and threw a black fleece at my head. I smiled and adjusted it so it was on my upper body. Jussi chuckled at my immaturity and we left the apartment complex. I half expected him to lead me to Tavastia, but instead we went to some pub. In a heartbeat I pointed out the 69 Eyes from everyone else.

"Vodka?" I whined.

"Love the more you want the vodka the more we're just going to deny you the vodka." Jyrki said smiling to me. I glared at him and the rest of the band.

"You are evil men."

"But you still love us." Bazie replied.

"Correction, you love one of us more than the rest."

Thank god Jussi is off getting more drinks.

"I hate you guys." I groaned. Jussi came back with drinks and a large bottle of some ambery colored liquid. "What's that?"

"Finnish Mead, or Sima as some people call it." Jussi unhelpfully said to me.

"Sima? Or Finnish Mead? Anything else?"

"Also called Honey Wine." He added.

"I like it."

"You haven't even tried it."

I shrugged to Jussi and poured a glass for myself. I hated how they were watching me try it. I was tempted to splash in their face; something Bam would do. But I'm not that evil and I don't want to be rude.

"Stop looking at me or I really am going to consider tossing this in your faces."

"Sorry."

"So, did HIM tell you what they're planning for my birthday?"

"No, do you?"

"I'm asking you guys Timo, since they didn't tell me."

"Knowing them they'll do something casual, just wait a couple days before your birthday. You'll know."

I rolled my eyes and drank my "Sima". Jussi kept his arm around my tiny waist and hugged me from time to time. I loved the feeling of being close to him. Inbetween drinks and laughs he would turned to me to kiss me. Then he's turn back to the conversation. The guys thought this was cute, I found this to put me deeper in love.

Sometime during the night some photographers stopped by our table. They wanted a picture of the band. I tried staying off to the side but both Jussi and the photographers told me to stay and be in the picture. Jussi decided to be playful and kiss my cheek for a couple of photos. I smiled to him and kissed him. But I didn't plan on that being taken as a photo. Jussi didn't mind and made the kiss even deeper. The photographers were having a field day with this. I just know it.