Sequel: Carved My Name ›
Status: Finished.
Don't Turn Your Back My Dear, Never Turn Your Back On Fear
Good Bye
The middle of doing nothing in Beth's house, her precious water broke. Those eight minutes were the craziest this world have ever seen. Jenna and I were pushed down the stairs; I bumped my head on the door trying to get my ugg boots back on my feet. Beth's dad hurried to find the Jeep's keys, Tyson was driving back from his date, Beth's mom was cancelling the appointment she set up for her and mine hair dying. TOTAL. CHAOS.
In the Audi, after getting things straighten out, I held my head in my lap. A very strong thud from being pushed down the stairs and hitting my head against the wall. I desperately need a drink or some aspirin. Yet an Abba cocktail sounds really good right about now.
Horribly parking in the emergency area, all of us in both cars filed. Beth's mom being first screamed that Beth's baby is on it's way. Out of everyone here, I'm the calmest one. Slowly walking behind everyone, crossing my arms and looking away from the white walls and white ceilings. Also trying to block out the hospital, fake, medicine, plastic scent.I have too many bad hospital memories.
"Antoinette, we all know you have some of the shittiest hospital stories but Bethany needs you." Tyson came up behind me, putting his arm around my shoulder.
I hurried to the front with the rest of the woman in our group. Beth is one of the lucky women who don't have to go through hours of labor. Getting into the room the doctor already said it's time to get her ready. The baby wanted out; now.
Beth grabbed my hand then took Jenna's hand in her other hand. Being the truly experienced one Beth's mom directed much of the process. Beth screamed her hard out, called us all nasty things, yelled even harder. Like I thought, she held on my hand as if she would die if she ever let go. I didn't care if she broke my hand or called me names; she doesn't mean it.
"It's a girl!" Beth's mom happily shrieked; throwing her hands in the arm. I looked around and Beth smiled at me.
"Claire." She whispered.
Things went downhill from there. Her death tight grip on my hand loosened and her eyes clouded over. Looking at her, I felt arms on my shoulders. The arms took me out of the room in a blur; all I understood was yelling, a long annoying beep and all I saw were blurs.
I saw the concerned and puzzled looks from the people around us in the halls. It's strange to be kicked out of a delivery room by the doctors just after the baby is born. The group us looked at each other, utterly confused. I pulled away from Tyson and leaned against the wall.
Being silent proved hell and heaven for us. We heard little Clair wailing, we all heard orders being yelled and the sick sound of a long beep. With that long beep came more orders and no more baby cries. Beth's dad pushed past everyone and banged on the door. Jenna looked at me.
"No.... She can't...." I whispered. "She can't!"
Like an unhappy toddler I screamed and kicked. Jenna was in tears, Beth's dad furiously yelling, Beth's mom standing in fear and Tyson holding me against the wall and letting me kick the air. Harold, I'm not sure but he's on the floor against the wall.
I stopped kicking and loudly sobbed. Tyson held on to me but that still didn't stop my body from going limp and having gravity take its course.
When my vision cleared the hospital was empty. All but the late night women in the delivery room and the group of people I came in. Tears still flowed from my blue eyes. I can care less about my appearance right now, fucked up make up, hair in a mess. I hugged my knees together and began shaking without control. Not controlling my movements, I dug my phone from my pocket. I called the most recent number on my list.
"Hey Ann!"
"Bam?"
"Yeah?"
"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to call you. I meant to call Jussi."
"Ah, whatever. What's wrong you sound sad?" I burst out sobbing again.
"She died Bammi."
"Holy shit." Bam gasped. Somehow, he just knew exactly who I was talking about.
"I don't know how it happened."
"... I'm still in shock. Annie, I think you should call Jussi."
"Okay." I whispered.
I attempted to calm myself down. Or at least stop the crying for a little bit. Knowing his number by heart, I quickly dialed his number. I waited for him to pick up. The phone rang for quite a bit of time. I hung up when get this voicemail. He's on tour.
Then it hit me, it's too late for him to be playing. I called him again. And again, I got his voicemail after many long rings. I cleared my voice from sounding too moody and not normal.
"Jussi, darling, please pick up. I need to talk to you. Please Jussi. Answer your phone. Call me back. I need you right now Jussi." The sobbing came back and my voice cracked. "I'm begging you, don't do this to me. Not now. Not now of all the times in the world. Pick up Jussi. I desperately have to talk to you."
The random beep signaled the end of my message. Realizing that I've been screaming at Jussi, I got up and went to a more private area. I'm not going to give up. At some point Jussi will have to answer my many calls and voice messages. After too many calls, I think I finally got to Jussi. He answered his phone.
"What the fuck Jussi?!" I hissed. "I've been calling you like crazy!"
"Antoinette, right now isn't a good time."
"A good time?! You're kidding me right!"
"Antoinette right now I need to go."
"Jussi! I need-"
"Sorry Antoinette." And he hung up the phone.
"Fucking bastard."
I kicked the air aimlessly then kicked a trash can. Thank god I was outside in the cold air. I didn't feel cold, I felt hot. I was angry, angrier than any person could be. I wanted to throw something on the ground; only to vent my anger. Not long did I get a call.
"What?" I yelled.
"Sorry." Not Jussi, but Bam.
"No Bam, I'm sorry. I'm just-"
"Pissed as hell because of Jussi?"
"Yeah... how did you know?"
"I told you I would be joining them on tour."
"Oh. Then why the fuck did he blow me off just now?!" I demanded.
♥ Bam Margera's PoV♥
Dispite what Jussi said, I called Annie. He can't escape now; there's no way I'm letting him. Especially after what he just did to her. I know exactly that she's been calling him and of the messages she left him. Right now, I'm wondering why the 69 Eyes defended Jussi and never told Antoinette. Well I know now.
"Bam! Answer me god damn it!" Antoinette hissed when I didn't answer her back. I looked back at them, no look on their face.
"You're going to hate me-"
"YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME! YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS!" She shrieked, everyone heard her.
I want them to. They should.
"ANYTIME IN THE FUCKING WORLD BUT NO! I FUCKING HATE YOU JUSSI VUORI! ANYTIME YOU COULD HAVE CHEATED ON ME BUT TODAY; OF ALL THE DAYS IN THE UNIVERSE!"
She continued to scream, I didn't have to put the phone on speak for everyone to clearly hear her. I glared at the 69 Eyes. Once people I admired, I'm disgusted by. Ville, also with me, had the same look on my face. Him and I only realized an hour ago what Jussi's been doing on tour. But I'm the only one who knows about Antoinette's shitty day.
Then the phone made a dropping sound and we couldn't hear Antoinette as easily. That's because she stopped talking and starting crying louder. Jussi reached for the phone but Ville grabbed it faster and put on speaker.
"Not today. Why did it have to be today?" She whispered. "I lost my best friend. She's gone. I've lost everything now. I should have never left. I should have gone to California. This would never be as painful as it is now."
Then the connection died. Like something had cracked the connection. Actually, it sounded like the phone was physically destroyed. I glared even harder and took my phone back. I grabbed my jacket and pulled my sunglasses over my eyes.
"Where are yo-" Jyrki started but I cut him off.
"Fuck you guys. If I knew how much of an asshole you were I would have stayed back home. Go back to your tour, pretend this shit never happened."
Early Morning
Lost in no thought at all. I stood next to Harold, staring at the babies on the other side of the glass. Without knowing, a drop of salty water was released from my eyes. Jenna saved me from outside after I threw my phone harder on the concrete. She brought me back inside.
Doesn't she realize that I don't want to be here? Today only added to my list of horrible hospital memories. But today, this topped everything bad that's happened to me.
"I take back everything." I whispered. "Everything I did that lead me to this."
"It's not your fault Annie." Harold whispered from next to me. "Bethany dying was completely out of our hands. And as for that dumbass you were with, he doesn't deserve you. If he was tempted too easily then he's not worth you."
"That's why I'm taking things back. I should have taken California's offer. I should have listened to Baltic's words. I should have listened to all the warnings."
"Sometimes, we need to learn things first hand to fully understand them."
My eyes drifted to the pink bundled baby. Her name, Claire, was written happily in bubbly pink letters. Today is anything but happy. I breathed in with a raspy voice while sobbing and turned my back on the glass wall. I fell to the floor and hugged my knees. I hugged like I would die if I didn't hold on to them. But what if I just want to die? Right now. Drop dead and not have to endure this pain. I can be killed right now and not even feel the pain; there's too much other pain getting in the way.
I needed someone... just someone to be there and care about me. I thought Jussi was that person. The one I can rely on. No. He tossed me aside like useless junk that he didn't know where to put. I trusted him when people warned me to back off from him. He's the criminal, I'm the victim.
"Don't turn your back my dear
Never turn your back on fear
Don't turn your back my dear
Never turn your back on fear" I sang in a whisper. It’s one of Jussi’s songs. I remember it all too well.
*
Bethany is dead; she died just seconds after Claire was born.
Her parents can barely look at Claire without turning around to hide their tears.
Jenna and Tyson lost their most mature and kind hearted best friend.
Claire will never know her mother.
I'm heartbroken and suicidal.
Jussi is out of my life forever.
I turned my back on fear. I forgot about fear and thought life to be perfect. I pretended like my life was perfect. I didn't listen to the fears all around me. They built up without me knowing then snuck up on me. All at the same time.
I turned my back on fear and look where that got me. Now, I don't know what to do. Forget about letting life take its own course and forgetting about fear, that put me in nothing buy misery. I'm the one deciding what path my life takes.
A path that doesn't involve any Finnish rockstars.
In the Audi, after getting things straighten out, I held my head in my lap. A very strong thud from being pushed down the stairs and hitting my head against the wall. I desperately need a drink or some aspirin. Yet an Abba cocktail sounds really good right about now.
Horribly parking in the emergency area, all of us in both cars filed. Beth's mom being first screamed that Beth's baby is on it's way. Out of everyone here, I'm the calmest one. Slowly walking behind everyone, crossing my arms and looking away from the white walls and white ceilings. Also trying to block out the hospital, fake, medicine, plastic scent.I have too many bad hospital memories.
"Antoinette, we all know you have some of the shittiest hospital stories but Bethany needs you." Tyson came up behind me, putting his arm around my shoulder.
I hurried to the front with the rest of the woman in our group. Beth is one of the lucky women who don't have to go through hours of labor. Getting into the room the doctor already said it's time to get her ready. The baby wanted out; now.
Beth grabbed my hand then took Jenna's hand in her other hand. Being the truly experienced one Beth's mom directed much of the process. Beth screamed her hard out, called us all nasty things, yelled even harder. Like I thought, she held on my hand as if she would die if she ever let go. I didn't care if she broke my hand or called me names; she doesn't mean it.
"It's a girl!" Beth's mom happily shrieked; throwing her hands in the arm. I looked around and Beth smiled at me.
"Claire." She whispered.
Things went downhill from there. Her death tight grip on my hand loosened and her eyes clouded over. Looking at her, I felt arms on my shoulders. The arms took me out of the room in a blur; all I understood was yelling, a long annoying beep and all I saw were blurs.
I saw the concerned and puzzled looks from the people around us in the halls. It's strange to be kicked out of a delivery room by the doctors just after the baby is born. The group us looked at each other, utterly confused. I pulled away from Tyson and leaned against the wall.
Being silent proved hell and heaven for us. We heard little Clair wailing, we all heard orders being yelled and the sick sound of a long beep. With that long beep came more orders and no more baby cries. Beth's dad pushed past everyone and banged on the door. Jenna looked at me.
"No.... She can't...." I whispered. "She can't!"
Like an unhappy toddler I screamed and kicked. Jenna was in tears, Beth's dad furiously yelling, Beth's mom standing in fear and Tyson holding me against the wall and letting me kick the air. Harold, I'm not sure but he's on the floor against the wall.
I stopped kicking and loudly sobbed. Tyson held on to me but that still didn't stop my body from going limp and having gravity take its course.
When my vision cleared the hospital was empty. All but the late night women in the delivery room and the group of people I came in. Tears still flowed from my blue eyes. I can care less about my appearance right now, fucked up make up, hair in a mess. I hugged my knees together and began shaking without control. Not controlling my movements, I dug my phone from my pocket. I called the most recent number on my list.
"Hey Ann!"
"Bam?"
"Yeah?"
"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to call you. I meant to call Jussi."
"Ah, whatever. What's wrong you sound sad?" I burst out sobbing again.
"She died Bammi."
"Holy shit." Bam gasped. Somehow, he just knew exactly who I was talking about.
"I don't know how it happened."
"... I'm still in shock. Annie, I think you should call Jussi."
"Okay." I whispered.
I attempted to calm myself down. Or at least stop the crying for a little bit. Knowing his number by heart, I quickly dialed his number. I waited for him to pick up. The phone rang for quite a bit of time. I hung up when get this voicemail. He's on tour.
Then it hit me, it's too late for him to be playing. I called him again. And again, I got his voicemail after many long rings. I cleared my voice from sounding too moody and not normal.
"Jussi, darling, please pick up. I need to talk to you. Please Jussi. Answer your phone. Call me back. I need you right now Jussi." The sobbing came back and my voice cracked. "I'm begging you, don't do this to me. Not now. Not now of all the times in the world. Pick up Jussi. I desperately have to talk to you."
The random beep signaled the end of my message. Realizing that I've been screaming at Jussi, I got up and went to a more private area. I'm not going to give up. At some point Jussi will have to answer my many calls and voice messages. After too many calls, I think I finally got to Jussi. He answered his phone.
"What the fuck Jussi?!" I hissed. "I've been calling you like crazy!"
"Antoinette, right now isn't a good time."
"A good time?! You're kidding me right!"
"Antoinette right now I need to go."
"Jussi! I need-"
"Sorry Antoinette." And he hung up the phone.
"Fucking bastard."
I kicked the air aimlessly then kicked a trash can. Thank god I was outside in the cold air. I didn't feel cold, I felt hot. I was angry, angrier than any person could be. I wanted to throw something on the ground; only to vent my anger. Not long did I get a call.
"What?" I yelled.
"Sorry." Not Jussi, but Bam.
"No Bam, I'm sorry. I'm just-"
"Pissed as hell because of Jussi?"
"Yeah... how did you know?"
"I told you I would be joining them on tour."
"Oh. Then why the fuck did he blow me off just now?!" I demanded.
♥ Bam Margera's PoV♥
Dispite what Jussi said, I called Annie. He can't escape now; there's no way I'm letting him. Especially after what he just did to her. I know exactly that she's been calling him and of the messages she left him. Right now, I'm wondering why the 69 Eyes defended Jussi and never told Antoinette. Well I know now.
"Bam! Answer me god damn it!" Antoinette hissed when I didn't answer her back. I looked back at them, no look on their face.
"You're going to hate me-"
"YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME! YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS!" She shrieked, everyone heard her.
I want them to. They should.
"ANYTIME IN THE FUCKING WORLD BUT NO! I FUCKING HATE YOU JUSSI VUORI! ANYTIME YOU COULD HAVE CHEATED ON ME BUT TODAY; OF ALL THE DAYS IN THE UNIVERSE!"
She continued to scream, I didn't have to put the phone on speak for everyone to clearly hear her. I glared at the 69 Eyes. Once people I admired, I'm disgusted by. Ville, also with me, had the same look on my face. Him and I only realized an hour ago what Jussi's been doing on tour. But I'm the only one who knows about Antoinette's shitty day.
Then the phone made a dropping sound and we couldn't hear Antoinette as easily. That's because she stopped talking and starting crying louder. Jussi reached for the phone but Ville grabbed it faster and put on speaker.
"Not today. Why did it have to be today?" She whispered. "I lost my best friend. She's gone. I've lost everything now. I should have never left. I should have gone to California. This would never be as painful as it is now."
Then the connection died. Like something had cracked the connection. Actually, it sounded like the phone was physically destroyed. I glared even harder and took my phone back. I grabbed my jacket and pulled my sunglasses over my eyes.
"Where are yo-" Jyrki started but I cut him off.
"Fuck you guys. If I knew how much of an asshole you were I would have stayed back home. Go back to your tour, pretend this shit never happened."
Early Morning
Lost in no thought at all. I stood next to Harold, staring at the babies on the other side of the glass. Without knowing, a drop of salty water was released from my eyes. Jenna saved me from outside after I threw my phone harder on the concrete. She brought me back inside.
Doesn't she realize that I don't want to be here? Today only added to my list of horrible hospital memories. But today, this topped everything bad that's happened to me.
"I take back everything." I whispered. "Everything I did that lead me to this."
"It's not your fault Annie." Harold whispered from next to me. "Bethany dying was completely out of our hands. And as for that dumbass you were with, he doesn't deserve you. If he was tempted too easily then he's not worth you."
"That's why I'm taking things back. I should have taken California's offer. I should have listened to Baltic's words. I should have listened to all the warnings."
"Sometimes, we need to learn things first hand to fully understand them."
My eyes drifted to the pink bundled baby. Her name, Claire, was written happily in bubbly pink letters. Today is anything but happy. I breathed in with a raspy voice while sobbing and turned my back on the glass wall. I fell to the floor and hugged my knees. I hugged like I would die if I didn't hold on to them. But what if I just want to die? Right now. Drop dead and not have to endure this pain. I can be killed right now and not even feel the pain; there's too much other pain getting in the way.
I needed someone... just someone to be there and care about me. I thought Jussi was that person. The one I can rely on. No. He tossed me aside like useless junk that he didn't know where to put. I trusted him when people warned me to back off from him. He's the criminal, I'm the victim.
"Don't turn your back my dear
Never turn your back on fear
Don't turn your back my dear
Never turn your back on fear" I sang in a whisper. It’s one of Jussi’s songs. I remember it all too well.
*
Bethany is dead; she died just seconds after Claire was born.
Her parents can barely look at Claire without turning around to hide their tears.
Jenna and Tyson lost their most mature and kind hearted best friend.
Claire will never know her mother.
I'm heartbroken and suicidal.
Jussi is out of my life forever.
I turned my back on fear. I forgot about fear and thought life to be perfect. I pretended like my life was perfect. I didn't listen to the fears all around me. They built up without me knowing then snuck up on me. All at the same time.
I turned my back on fear and look where that got me. Now, I don't know what to do. Forget about letting life take its own course and forgetting about fear, that put me in nothing buy misery. I'm the one deciding what path my life takes.
A path that doesn't involve any Finnish rockstars.
♠ ♠ ♠
There is a sequel :]