My Abortion

How did this happen?
I did everything I could...
I was careful.
So careful.
So very, very careful.

Ok, yes.
I knew what I was doing.
I knew!
Why does this make me irresponsible?
I'm not.
I'm responsible...
But I was so careful.

We did what we were told.
They said this would work.
But it didn't.
They lied.
Oh why did I believe them?

We used a condom.

We did what we were told.
They said this would work.
But it didn't.
They lied.
Oh why did I believe them?

Ok, yes.
I knew what I was doing.
I knew!
Why does this make me irresponsible?
I'm not.
I'm responsible...
But I was so careful.

How did this happen?
I did everything I could...
I was careful.
So careful.
So very, very careful.

Now I'm pregnant.
I didn't mean to.
I tried my best to prevent this.

No.
You're wrong.
I knew what I was doing.
Dammit!
Quit saying I'm irresponsible.
I'm not stupid.
I knew.
And I tried to be careful.

Sex isn't just for people who want kids, you know.
No.
I'm not just a hormonal teenager.
No.
You don't understand.
No.
This can't be happening...

What am I going to do?
What if my parents never let me see him again?
I'm still in school!
I can't have a kid...
I was so careful.

I tried by best to prevent this.
And I tried to be careful.
This can't be happening...
I was so careful.

I don't care what you say.
I love him.
I told him today.
He gave me a hug.
Then he kissed my forehead.
Then he put his hands on either side of my face.
He stared straight in my eyes.
He told me it's ok.
He told me we'll be ok.
Then he said, "I love you.
I'm not leaving you.
Don't be afraid.
We'll be ok."

I cried.

I didn't cry because I was scared.
I didn't cry because it was a relief.
I knew he'd be strong for me.
I didn't cry because of that...

I cried because I finally saw it.
Clear in my mind.
I saw us.
I saw us getting married.
I saw our wedding cake.
I saw the little tassels on the tables.
I saw all the white.
I saw the tear on my father's face.
I saw the twinkle in his mother's eye.
I saw the rose petals the flower girl threw.
I saw the embroidery on my mom's wedding gown.
I saw us.
I saw us happy.
I saw us two.
I saw no child.

We weren't meant for this.
We weren't meant to be parents.
At least not right now.
We were so careful.

It's been two months.
I'm already showing.
I can't hide this much longer.
I'm going to have to tell her.
I'm going to have to tell him.

No.
No I'm not.

We're going to have to tell her.
We're going to have to tell him.
We're going to have to tell his, too.

But we'll be ok.
We'll make it through this.

They flipped out.
Well, mine did.
They yelled.
They yelled at him.
They yelled at me.
They yelled at each other.
I didn't cry.
I expected this.
He cried, though.
I held him in my arms.
I told him they were lying.
I told him it wasn't his fault.
I told him it was our fault.
He smiled at me.

I fell in love again.
For the two-thousand, four hundred and fifty-sixth time...
I fell in love with his smile.
All over again.

We ran away.
We ran from the screaming.
I heard something break.
I didn't go home that night.

We told his, too.
He didn't cry.
He expected this.
I cried, though.

She hugged me.
I love her.
She got up from the couch.
She walked over to me...
And she hugged me.
Then he got up from the couch, too.
He hugged me, too.
They told us it was ok.
They told us everything would be ok.
They understood.

I cried.
No, I didn't cry.
I bawled.
I fell to the floor and bawled.
He held me in his arms.
He told me they were telling the truth.
It would be ok.
Everything would be ok.
I smiled at him.

I stayed at their house that night.
I offered to sleep on the couch.
His mom laughed.
She said she didn't see the problem with us sleeping together.
It's not like they had to worry about us having sex or anything.
I blushed.
But I slept with him that night.

He held me.
He played with my hair.
He stroked my face.
He kissed me everywhere.
He told me he loved me.
He hugged me.
He told me he meant it.
He loves me.
I love him.

They said no.
They said I was irresponsible.
They said I had to pay for my consequences.
They said I deserved to be miserable.
No abortion.

But there's still hope.
I filed a case.
I went to court.
They were there.
And so were his.
His mother smiled at me.
His father winked.
His little brother stood up and waved.
And he just smiled.

I fell in love again.
For the two-thousand, four hundred and fifty-seventh time...
I fell in love with his smile.
All over again.

My mother glared.
My father looked away.
I hate them.
I really do.

I pleaded.
I begged.
I didn't sound responsible.
I tried to calm down.
I started over.
I pleaded.
I begged.
I didn't sound responsible.

But he understood.
He really understood.
I couldn't believe it.
I was so happy.
My mother and father left in a hurry.
But they stayed and waited.
He hugged me.
His father patted me on the back.
His little brother tugged on my shirt.
His mother whispered in my ear.
"It's ok.
Everything's going to be ok.
We love you.
You'll make the right decision."

She supported me.
She doesn't believe in abortion.
But she supported me anyways.
Because she loves me.
And I love her.

I went home.
But I was locked out.
All my stuff was on the front porch.
I didn't cry.
I picked it up.
He helped.
His mother helped.
His father helped.
His brother laughed at us.
I love them.
I love them all.
I live with them now.
I'm where I belong.

It took a few hours.
But they let him in with me.
I was embarassed.
I was red in the face.
The nurse smiled.
She gave me a hug.
She said it would be ok.
Everything would be ok.
She said,
"I understand, honey.
Pregnancy isn't for everybody.
You're just not ready right now.
It's ok.
Everybody makes mistakes."

I cried again.
That's all I ever wanted.
I just wanted people to understand.

It took a few hours.
But they let him in with me.
He held my hand and stayed with me until I fell asleep.
I woke up dizzy.
He walked me out.
His mother was sitting there.
She hugged me.

She supported me.
She doesn't believe in abortion.
But she supported me anyways.
Because she loves me.
And I love her.

How did this happen?
We did everything we could...
We were careful.
So careful.
So very, very careful.

Ok, yes.
We knew what we were doing.
We knew!
Why does this make us irresponsible?
We're not.
We're responsible...
But we were so careful.

It was a mistake.
We're not bad people.
We're not irresponsible.
We're not just hormonal teenagers.
We're adults.
We can make our own decisions.

All I wanted was for them to understand.
But they didn't.
Everyone else did.
But they didn't.

I'll never forgive them.
I'll never speak to them again.
They'll never even get a Christmas card.
I'm dead to them.

All I wanted was for them to understand.