Stay

Friday May 6, 1994
4:16pm

Gerard walked through the front door more than a little pissy. His brother took no precautions to monitor his mood before springing up from the couch where he sat with Frank watching some television show and bouncing over to his grouchy older brother. “Where the hell have you been?” He questioned anxiously, always the nosey one.

Before Gerard had a chance to answer him an approaching voice from the kitchen interrupted. “Michael James where did you learn that foul language?” Their mother appeared in the kitchen doorway surveying her two sons.

“From him.” Mikey supplied her rhetorical question by pointing an accusing finger at the elder boy. Gerard simply rolled his eyes, not in the mood for these little bitch fights and grabbed his finger faking like he was going to break it. The threat was all the encouragement Mikey needed to snatch his hand back.

“I have no doubt.” Their mother shook her head at the boy’s childish fighting. Her attention then returned to the kitchen as the timer on the oven began to buzz and she made her retreat. Gerard sighed, excited that he ditched that bullet, at least for now. He knew he would eventually have to answer to her as to his late arrival home, but all the same he was glad it didn’t have to be right now. Now all he wanted was to retreat into his basement room and to his drawing which served as his own personal escape until he could clear his mind and forget Lucie all together. He also needed to buy time to think of a good plausible excuse!

“Where were you?” The younger boy pressed again for answers. Just because Gerard got past the questioning eye of his mother for now, didn’t mean he could escape his nosey little brother’s.

“You would never believe me if I told you.” Gerard answered with a knowing smirk. In all fairness that wasn’t a complete lie. Gerard wasn’t the book or library type and Mikey would have assumed him as lying if he supplied that as an answer. He could have gotten away with telling the truth, and would have done so if he hadn’t know it would be quickly followed up with the “why” questions that he just really didn’t want to own up to quite yet. It was easier to say nothing at all and leave him wondering and making up his own conclusions.

“Try me.” Mikey wasn’t going to give up that easily and was going to question until he got some kind of answer or until Gerard slammed his bedroom door in his face. Whichever came first? Usually the latter of the two!

“Impregnating cows.” Gerard said with a straight face then shrugged innocently. “I told you that you would never believe me.” Gerard began to walk away from Mikey who stood there with his arms folded over his chest annoyed that all he could get out of his brother was a bullshit answer. It was bugging him some that he didn’t know where Gerard ran off to after school. He had personally looked all over for him and was just plain curious now as to where he had been all along. Sooner or later he would find out and there was nothing he could really do besides wait for Gerard to tell him. Then again, he did have some blackmail to use as leverage over him to help persuade Gerard into telling him.

“Gerard don’t go running off, I need to talk to you when I get this chicken out of the oven.” Their mother’s voice rang again just as Gerard was reaching the basement door. He sighed and pushed the door open. He knew he couldn’t get out of it for long. He just knew it!

Gerard let his body fall into the chair pulled out a little from his desk as his eyes scanned over the random papers scatter over it. This was always his retreat, his happy place. Now it only served to taunt him as he noticed the many hand-drawn sets of eyes glaring back up at him. Torment. The sparkle that had once been dim in those beautiful eyes was now a mischievous glare. Why did he ever try to help them in the first place. He pushed the papers to the floor as his head fell on top of his arms already folded on the desk.

**

The last thing on Lucie’s troubled mind as she sat perched on the edge of her bed with her legs folded up to her so her frail arms could easily wrap around them, holding them close to her shattered heart as she watched the trickle of rain with the ever present flash of lightning that promised a storm that night, was her broken commitment to meet Gerard after school. The entire day played itself out as nothing more than a blur to her now. Her mind’s own way of blocking the trauma to help itself slowly mend from another blow. The good and smiles of the morning now ran along the unspeakable horrors of the afternoon. Nothing stood out.

Although the tears had long since ceased to flow from her sterile blue eyes, the streaks of mascara gave away the identity of the dried hints of her pain. She tried to concentrate on her breathing and counting the low roars of thunder to induce meditation. It was a practice she had somewhat forgotten in the near past, but it was the only thing her tender mind could produce to help calm her frayed nerves.

It was no longer the unspeakable act of personal invasion that bothered her the most. She was use to that by now with those things haunting her every waking moment. It wasn’t even the physical pain he caused her as he forced himself upon her. She had learned over the years how to become numb not only to the emotional and mental pain, but also the physical tortures. What stung the absolute most, was the betrayal.

She had once confided in him. At one time she believed in him more so than any other. She could still recall how her hand fit so perfectly in his larger one. It wasn’t that hard to even recall when he had used his strong arms to hold her when she was frightened. Even as her world began to fall apart, he made attempts to mend the seams of it and made promises to always be there and to get her through it all. The worst part, she believed him. She never doubted him. She would have turned the world upside down for him. She confessed her love for him. A love that never truly died in her heart. The flame had gotten watered down, but a tiny spark still remained. One she doubted she could ever rinse away.

Early May, 1993

”You can tell me anything Luce, I’ll never think differently of you. You know why?” He waited until she shook her head ‘no’. “Because I love you, and that is never going to change, alright.” She nodded her heavy head as she jumped into his arms. Her chest clashing against his as the tears in her eyes could no longer be restrained.

Why couldn’t he have meant that? Did she want to believe it so desperately that she didn’t notice the cruel intentions lying behind his dark eyes? Or was he just that good an actor that he could refrain from every breaking character? Perhaps she was just too naive as young girls in love often are. Too bad hindsight is always 20/20.

The girls breathing was a shallow smooth rate as her pulse steadied. Her mind raced through broken memories piecing together bits and pieces here and there. Sometimes you can’t erase what hurts the most. The human brain and psyche works in peculiar ways. Scientists and Psychologist spend hours upon hours of their lifetimes trying to figure out how it works, and yet still so very little is known. It may never be known why Lucie’s mind chose now to put together what hurt the most.

It was the perfect springtime afternoon. Funny how irony works like that! Storms had passed through the area the day before clearing the air and leaving a crisp bright blue sky above. Only a stray cloud here or there tainted the ever expanding blue blanket. The grass still held beads of water and was now yielding a bright green color. Many of the flowers, with the help of the rain, had already began to spring up leaving patches of color along the green carpet. The singing of birds broke the silence of the lot of sullen onlookers upon the desolate lot.

Lucie clenched her eyes shut as her hands dug at the sleeves of the large jacket that had been placed on her to keep her from getting cold in the cool breezes. She knew in her mind she needed to watch, but her heart couldn’t possibly bear it. She felt a strong arm around her shoulder that she was sure was there more to keep her from turning on her heels and running like she so badly wanted to rather than for support.

“Lucie, breath.” The voice that matched the arm around her reminded her. She failed to even notice she had been holding her breath. Of course letting out the breath she didn’t want to take in the first place forced her eyes open. She was too distraught to focus on both at the same time. Her eyes shot open just in time to watch the small black cherry-wood coffin with faint ornamentation being lowered into the moist ground into a hole that had been previously dug.

She began taking deep quick breaths as she tried to peel her eyes away from the hideous sight. She couldn’t pretend she didn’t know that the body of her younger brother lay in that confinement. She didn’t want to see this, so why couldn’t she stop watching?

Noticing she was starting to hyperventilate Julian grabbed her arm rougher than he intended and turned her to face him instead. She wasted no time burying her head into his sculpted chest. His hand by instinct went to the back of her head, running through her soft hair in an attempt to help her regain composure. It did anything but work as she started yanking her body back wanting to get away. Julian knew she wanted to run, but also knew it was best for her right now to be there. She had to get through this, and he would help her. He wrapped both arms tightly around her waist as her fists started pounding into his chest and her sobs became louder.

The feeling of entrapment only brought out the animalistic instincts in Lucie as she began scream and hitting him harder. Her mind paid no attention to who it was or where she was even at anymore. She knew she had reached her breaking point and was in the midst of a complete emotional breakdown and she didn’t want to be help or confined in any way right now. As the gatherers, all clad in black with Kleenex under their watering eyes all began to turn their attention to the spectacle at the back of the lot, Julian had no choice but to let go.

Much as expected, Lucie took off running. She elbowed a couple of patrons as she raced away from Julian, from the funeral, from everything. She ran past the parking lot lined with cars and straight into the, luckily not too busy, street. A couple of cars had to slam on their breaks as a series of horns all began to honk. Lucie still failed to notice. She didn’t stop, she instead kept running with no idea even to herself where she was running to.

Julian stood there motionless rubbing his chest where bruises were already starting to form. Many of the guests returned their attention to the ceremony itself, but a few stray eyes continued to watch him, waiting to see his reaction. He wasn’t sure what to do. He could go after her and risk her getting more upset than she already was, or he could let her go and calm down for a while and then approach her. The second seemed more logical, although the first was by far more rational. He was a logic person, and opted for the second although it took all his self restraint not to catch up with her now. Until he heard the horns from the street and turned to see Lucie darting across in her black dress nearly getting hit!

He took off running with all the speed his body could muster down the same path she herself had taken a moment before. His mind was now focused on finding her before she got herself put in a plot of earth next to that of her younger sibling. He looked around frantically once he got past the street trying to guess which direction she ran off in. He didn’t have time to waste. The quicker he found her, the better. He had to make sure she was safe, because she certainly was not in a sound mind to pay attention to her own personal safety at the moment.

A few agonizing minutes of walking around in a rush he came upon a relieving sight. Sitting on a bench outside the local library watching the water move around in a fountain sculpture was the blond haired girl in a black dress that had raced through the city moments before. He stood back taking it in a moment. Under any other circumstances it would have been a beautiful sight. She sat so peacefully and at ease, he hated to have to ruin that. At least if she tried to run this time, he would not hesitate to follow.

He slowly approached her, sitting down on the bench beside her. She didn’t move an inch or bother looking. She knew who it was. “It’s amazing how water renews itself. Not just in this fountain, but in nature. Everything does. Rocks renew themselves back into the planet. Plants renew themselves each year. So why can’t a life be renewed?” She asked with unnerving seriousness in a steady voice.

Julian stared ahead at the fountain, wondering how this simple piece of art put there for decoration purposes conjured such serious ideas in this girl’s head. He was at a loss. He stayed quiet, unsure how to answer her. He reached down grabbing her hand in his and stood. “Come here, there’s something I want to show you.” His voice lacked the calm of hers and was barely more than a whisper.

Lucie gave him a questioning look and gave one more glance to the fountain before standing and allowing Julian to lead her by hand into the library.

Her body jerked as it came out of it meditative state. Her skin was clammy in a cold sweat. That wasn’t the mind clearing meditation she had in mind. That day was the start of it all. The domino that started the tumble in the row. The small rock that gave way to the landslide. It wasn’t really fair, they didn’t know any better. They had no idea the Pandora’s box they were opening that day. By the time they found out, it was already too late.

In her awake state she began letting her mind wonder back to the memory. She recalled Julian leading her to the second floor and them both sitting cross legged on the carpeted floor with a stack of books that had been strategically removed from their brethren on the shelves looking through them. She wasn’t sure what the sudden fascination was, but since their first experience with the Ouija board in the cabin, Julian and Lucie found themselves drawn to anything having to do with spirits. Sometimes curiosity is better left unattended to.

Before she had time to finish sorting through her memory another shattered piece came fourth. She stood at her desk scribbling a note on a piece of stationary paper. Library. After school. The words were simple yet elegant in her feminine handwriting. She carefully folded the note and placed it in the back pocket of her jeans for safe keeping. An hour later she was pulling the paper out and handing it to a dark haired boy with a smile before walking off to class.

She was confused. That did not belong to her previous memory. She shook her head trying to tell herself it didn’t belong and toss the stray thought aside. Her mind just wouldn’t let go. It kept playing over and over to her. She strained her thoughts attempting to focus solely on the more troubling first memory but it was to no avail. There was something about it that was important, something that stuck to her.

Her eyes grew wide as a flash of lighting shot through the sky and the clouds opened up to a heavy down pour as she realized it had been just this morning. Oh how cruel circumstances can be. Had she just managed to completely throw away the only person who stood a chance at helping her without getting a choice in the matter? How would she ever explain this one to him to make him understand, without admitting to what happened?

She threw herself back onto her bed grabbing a pillow and holding it over her head. With any luck she would manage to suffocate herself and end this all.