Status: Completed
Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day
Though I could barely see for the fog but I stood anyway, looking through the glass that was my only protection from the cruel elements. The trees were already bare, all the beauty of the changing colors having died long before I could work up the courage to look for it. My fingers and toes were numb, the tip of my nose even being cold. I wrapped my arms around myself, pulling his over sized T-shirt as close to me as possible. His scent had faded from it before the trees had even begun changing. Our darkened bedroom seemed hollow without his bright smile and infectious laughter. I had to turn away from the window, being unable to overlook an image that we would have once found beautiful. I shuffled to our bed, carefully sitting down on the edge of it, as if afraid it were unstable like me. I felt the tears running down my cheeks, a chilling cold following their moisture. Sobs shook me and I could not repress them. I fell sideways into my pillow, relinquishing my sides in favor of the soft familiar object.
I felt like a baby, my tears saturating the black material I had my face pressed into. I felt disguising. It was all too dead outside, the somber weather being amplified by the heartless wind which kept blowing angerly. He would be so angry if he saw me now. I straightened up, sniffling pathetically. He wasn’t even here anymore and yet I couldn’t disappoint him. I grabbed a few tissues from my nightstand, and wiped my face clean of the the disgraceful moisture. I gave a start, fooling myself for the briefest instance into believing I saw his face in the window's mocking reflection. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, the light dimming slowly as I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them.
I tried to breathe deeply, but found that nothing was helping my need for oxygen. I hadn’t breathed since he left, and I didn’t think I would until I saw him again. I considered the gun I had stashed in the drawer of my nightstand as I had a million times before. The wind blew even more harshly, ripping a tree up by it’s roots and scaring my half to death. I paled, staring wide eyed at the window, wherein I once again had the illusion of his face.
“Yes Frankie, of course Frankie, whatever makes you happy,” I muttered rocking myself back and forth. He wouldn’t want me to do it, he would never let me. I knew what he would want me to do. On an insane impulse I pulled out fresh clothes and changed into them. For the occasion I wore one of his favorite shirts. He always said I looked really good in it.
I tried to run a brush through my hair, but it must have taken me forty-five minutes to get it looking presentable. I pulled in back into a pony tail, and threw one of the thick hoodies he’d bought me on overtop of what I was already wearing, trading my unwashed pajama pants for clean jeans. I almost felt human again as I slipped my Etnies on. I shoved my hands in my pockets, and before I could change my mind I flung open the door and sprinted out of the apartment, down the stars and into the unforgiving streets.
I chanced a glance heavenward, to find the clouds all too close and looking extremely dissatisfied. My insides felt like ash as I walked briskly in the direction of where I knew he would be. Everything had lost meaning and reason since I’d last seen him. Even in the middle of the afternoon I saw no daylight. I didn’t know what path I was on anymore. Tears began to prick at my eyes, but I blinked them away. I couldn’t be alone anymore. It had never felt like this before, not with anyone, I used to be able to take care of myself, to depend only on myself, but I suppose with love I had given up that freedom, and could now not reclaim it. I was shaking uncontrollably, but not from the bitter cold of the atmosphere around me.
I squeezed my hands into fists. I stopped only once to buy two things at a small convenience store. A single red rose and a pack of cigarettes. It was all I needed. On my way out I noticed three shady figures step forward from the shadowed walls of the store, the gray gloom of the day making them appear even more menacing.
I payed no attention to them; they could do nothing to me that hadn’t already been done. I was worse than anyone knew. I never let on as to the depth of my pain. I wished to be left to suffer in peace. I had spent one Valentine's day alone and it was all I could take. Now with the anniversary, and his birthday having come without him by my side, I was confident that I couldn’t handle Christmas and my birthday without him. New Year's would kill me. It was the last time I’d seen him. That night was one of the best of my life. Just us and our friends getting drunk and having fun, his loving arms always around me, his sweet lips constantly on mine.
I had to stop myself from those thoughts. I choked back a sob, trying once more in vain to fix the gaping black hole that had eaten out my insides by wrapping my arms tightly around myself. A cynical laugh, probably meant to scare me, came across my neck, breath pushing the hairs there, trying to make them stand on end. I turned calmly to face my would-be tormentor. Although he wore a mask it was apparent that he wasn't an innocent trick-or-treater.
His two friends immediately pushed me into the wall of the building by where we were, nearly making me forfeit my grip on the two precious objects I had just purchased.
“Hand over the money little girl,” the jackass ordered huskily. I arched an eyebrow, still not impressed, and pulled the dollar twenty five from my hoodie pocket, letting it fall against the cement of the grimy sidewalk. I knew exactly how much I would need for my purchase and hadn't grabbed any extra before exiting our home. He slapped me harshly across the face while his friends still had me pinned. I calmly turned my head back to him, spitting blood out on the ground. I’d taken a hell of a lot worse than that from better people.
“Fuck you, asshole,” I cursed with a fire in my eyes.
“You better watch yourself girly.” He showed me the gun he had stowed in his jacket.
“Do it, fucker. See if I care,” I challenged him looking him straight in the eye.
“Well if that wont phase you there are other things I could do to a helpless little mama like yourself.” His eyes glistened as he grabbed his crotch suggestively.
“I’m surprised you honestly think you’d be able to get it up for a woman.”
“Fucking bitch!” he screamed, punching me in the face and again in the gut.
Black eye- great. Just as I was about to tell him to go back to masturbating to Brokeback Mountain and leave me the fuck alone, a police officer came strutting towards him from the convenience store, coffee in hand, yelling at them to let me go and for us all to go back to our homes. The weather warning had specifically stated that no one be outdoors today. It was too dangerous. More anger flashed through the man's eyes, and he glanced back at me. I knew what was coming before he even pulled the trigger, so at least I had time to prepare myself. Surprisingly, I didn’t really feel anything. I felt my body slumping down, I heard the men shoot wildly at the police officer, and the officer shooting back, but I didn’t feel the pain. The officer dragged my body to the middle of the sidewalk as he radioed for back up to catch the men. Who was he kidding? This was Jersey and they’d probably getaway.
“Hold on ma’am!” The cop was young and the distress was evident in his face as he applied pressure to my wound. I was going to tell him that it was okay, and to stop worrying about me, that I was fine with it, but something else arrested my attention. Frankie was there, like the specter he was, see through and smiling as I felt myself falling. There was an odd dropping sensation such as one got when a roller coaster plunged downward too quickly through my whole body. I felt detached from myself, no longer in contact with my legs or hands.
Frankie help out a hand for me, his beautiful face welcoming me to the afterlife. I reached out for him, seeing my arm attempt to touch his unsolid one.
“I love you Frankie,” I whispered with all my heart as I closed my eyes and felt my arm drop. It wasn't long before the area was tapped off. Despite the weather our friends had all come. The cigarettes had fallen next to my body, having been dropped when I tried to reach out to Frankie, yet the rose lingered on my fingertips. The policeman was crying, our friends were weeping for me as they had for him when he was in the accident in the guys van in Europe. It stung that I’d never gotten to say goodbye. That it had happened two weeks before his birthday. That it had happened two weeks before he’d come home from tour. None of that mattered now though. I’d only seen his grave once, but I knew that my plot next to him was under a tree and it would flame color for the both of us each fall. We would be happy. Though I was certain Frank would want revenge on those who had murdered me. That would just be fun.
I felt like a baby, my tears saturating the black material I had my face pressed into. I felt disguising. It was all too dead outside, the somber weather being amplified by the heartless wind which kept blowing angerly. He would be so angry if he saw me now. I straightened up, sniffling pathetically. He wasn’t even here anymore and yet I couldn’t disappoint him. I grabbed a few tissues from my nightstand, and wiped my face clean of the the disgraceful moisture. I gave a start, fooling myself for the briefest instance into believing I saw his face in the window's mocking reflection. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, the light dimming slowly as I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them.
I tried to breathe deeply, but found that nothing was helping my need for oxygen. I hadn’t breathed since he left, and I didn’t think I would until I saw him again. I considered the gun I had stashed in the drawer of my nightstand as I had a million times before. The wind blew even more harshly, ripping a tree up by it’s roots and scaring my half to death. I paled, staring wide eyed at the window, wherein I once again had the illusion of his face.
“Yes Frankie, of course Frankie, whatever makes you happy,” I muttered rocking myself back and forth. He wouldn’t want me to do it, he would never let me. I knew what he would want me to do. On an insane impulse I pulled out fresh clothes and changed into them. For the occasion I wore one of his favorite shirts. He always said I looked really good in it.
I tried to run a brush through my hair, but it must have taken me forty-five minutes to get it looking presentable. I pulled in back into a pony tail, and threw one of the thick hoodies he’d bought me on overtop of what I was already wearing, trading my unwashed pajama pants for clean jeans. I almost felt human again as I slipped my Etnies on. I shoved my hands in my pockets, and before I could change my mind I flung open the door and sprinted out of the apartment, down the stars and into the unforgiving streets.
I chanced a glance heavenward, to find the clouds all too close and looking extremely dissatisfied. My insides felt like ash as I walked briskly in the direction of where I knew he would be. Everything had lost meaning and reason since I’d last seen him. Even in the middle of the afternoon I saw no daylight. I didn’t know what path I was on anymore. Tears began to prick at my eyes, but I blinked them away. I couldn’t be alone anymore. It had never felt like this before, not with anyone, I used to be able to take care of myself, to depend only on myself, but I suppose with love I had given up that freedom, and could now not reclaim it. I was shaking uncontrollably, but not from the bitter cold of the atmosphere around me.
I squeezed my hands into fists. I stopped only once to buy two things at a small convenience store. A single red rose and a pack of cigarettes. It was all I needed. On my way out I noticed three shady figures step forward from the shadowed walls of the store, the gray gloom of the day making them appear even more menacing.
I payed no attention to them; they could do nothing to me that hadn’t already been done. I was worse than anyone knew. I never let on as to the depth of my pain. I wished to be left to suffer in peace. I had spent one Valentine's day alone and it was all I could take. Now with the anniversary, and his birthday having come without him by my side, I was confident that I couldn’t handle Christmas and my birthday without him. New Year's would kill me. It was the last time I’d seen him. That night was one of the best of my life. Just us and our friends getting drunk and having fun, his loving arms always around me, his sweet lips constantly on mine.
I had to stop myself from those thoughts. I choked back a sob, trying once more in vain to fix the gaping black hole that had eaten out my insides by wrapping my arms tightly around myself. A cynical laugh, probably meant to scare me, came across my neck, breath pushing the hairs there, trying to make them stand on end. I turned calmly to face my would-be tormentor. Although he wore a mask it was apparent that he wasn't an innocent trick-or-treater.
His two friends immediately pushed me into the wall of the building by where we were, nearly making me forfeit my grip on the two precious objects I had just purchased.
“Hand over the money little girl,” the jackass ordered huskily. I arched an eyebrow, still not impressed, and pulled the dollar twenty five from my hoodie pocket, letting it fall against the cement of the grimy sidewalk. I knew exactly how much I would need for my purchase and hadn't grabbed any extra before exiting our home. He slapped me harshly across the face while his friends still had me pinned. I calmly turned my head back to him, spitting blood out on the ground. I’d taken a hell of a lot worse than that from better people.
“Fuck you, asshole,” I cursed with a fire in my eyes.
“You better watch yourself girly.” He showed me the gun he had stowed in his jacket.
“Do it, fucker. See if I care,” I challenged him looking him straight in the eye.
“Well if that wont phase you there are other things I could do to a helpless little mama like yourself.” His eyes glistened as he grabbed his crotch suggestively.
“I’m surprised you honestly think you’d be able to get it up for a woman.”
“Fucking bitch!” he screamed, punching me in the face and again in the gut.
Black eye- great. Just as I was about to tell him to go back to masturbating to Brokeback Mountain and leave me the fuck alone, a police officer came strutting towards him from the convenience store, coffee in hand, yelling at them to let me go and for us all to go back to our homes. The weather warning had specifically stated that no one be outdoors today. It was too dangerous. More anger flashed through the man's eyes, and he glanced back at me. I knew what was coming before he even pulled the trigger, so at least I had time to prepare myself. Surprisingly, I didn’t really feel anything. I felt my body slumping down, I heard the men shoot wildly at the police officer, and the officer shooting back, but I didn’t feel the pain. The officer dragged my body to the middle of the sidewalk as he radioed for back up to catch the men. Who was he kidding? This was Jersey and they’d probably getaway.
“Hold on ma’am!” The cop was young and the distress was evident in his face as he applied pressure to my wound. I was going to tell him that it was okay, and to stop worrying about me, that I was fine with it, but something else arrested my attention. Frankie was there, like the specter he was, see through and smiling as I felt myself falling. There was an odd dropping sensation such as one got when a roller coaster plunged downward too quickly through my whole body. I felt detached from myself, no longer in contact with my legs or hands.
Frankie help out a hand for me, his beautiful face welcoming me to the afterlife. I reached out for him, seeing my arm attempt to touch his unsolid one.
“I love you Frankie,” I whispered with all my heart as I closed my eyes and felt my arm drop. It wasn't long before the area was tapped off. Despite the weather our friends had all come. The cigarettes had fallen next to my body, having been dropped when I tried to reach out to Frankie, yet the rose lingered on my fingertips. The policeman was crying, our friends were weeping for me as they had for him when he was in the accident in the guys van in Europe. It stung that I’d never gotten to say goodbye. That it had happened two weeks before his birthday. That it had happened two weeks before he’d come home from tour. None of that mattered now though. I’d only seen his grave once, but I knew that my plot next to him was under a tree and it would flame color for the both of us each fall. We would be happy. Though I was certain Frank would want revenge on those who had murdered me. That would just be fun.