Broken Reflection

Friday, one day before the weekend and I was walking home from school with Josh. He wanted to go to the park again. “Oh, but we can’t stay too long…” When he gave me pleading eyes, I added “ I told you. I still want to talk to my brother about what he and my uncle talked about,” I had told him. He sighed knowing that it meant he would either stay less than half an hour at the park or go home by himself after and forget the time and get in trouble. He hated going home, because he felt trapped there. He could insult his family all he wanted, but in the end, deep down, he really loved and cared about his family and didn’t like feeling slowly rejected by his family.

“You have all weekend to talk to him…” He had begun trying to convince me to stay longer. I would only stay twenty minutes at most. I noticed his bag was a bit bigger than usual. I asked him what was inside and he replied “I’ll show you when we arrive at the park,” and smirked.

We walked talking about school on the way, especially about a student who had been expelled and, in other words, sent to war. We had heard of the kid. He was a grade above us and he had mediocre grades. He lived a bit far from school, so he had gotten the habit of arriving late. Unfortunately for him, it was three strikes and you’re expelled. “My guess is he’ll last a week… After he arrives at the battlefield, I mean.” Josh wasn’t being mean, just realistic. Even the toughest jock at school wouldn’t last more than two months. And the guy who was expelled wasn’t exactly great at physical activities. Even me or Josh would last longer than him. I pushed him playfully and then teased him.

“Damn! You can’t even carry yourself with a weak push from me! If you went to war like this, I bet you’d be roast beef by your third day,” I was joking after all, but then I was caught off guard and he pushed me.

“Speak for yourself,” he replied with an evil smirk. We engaged in an epic battle of pushing each other on our way to the park, and then we started racing, but when we still had about thirty feet to walk, we got tired and stuck to walking the rest of the way.

When we arrived at the park, I suddenly felt the urge to play a bit in the ruins of the playground. I dropped my backpack gently on the floor and ran towards the stairs that lead me into a small fortress like toy with a small tower where the slide would allow us to leave the tower. Some parts of the fortress’ floor were gone and I had to watch my step. I climbed to the highest point in the park and looked at the floor beneath. Since this was built for small kids, the height wasn’t as big as it was when I first saw Josh jump off it. It was from the very point where I was standing. He looked at me and laughed. “Now stretch your arms to your sides and yell ‘I’m the king of the world’ and my life shall be complete,” he said as he grabbed his mobile phone pretended to capture the moment on video.

“You just ruined all the symbolic shit I had planned to tell you!” I crossed my arms across my chest and sent him a glare. He started laughing and keeping the cell phone back in his pocket as I went down the same way I had climbed up. When I was once again beside him, I said “Do you remember what that place was?” He shook his head negatively. “The place you jumped off the first time I met you!” He thought a bit and then remembered.

“Oh, yeah! I can’t believe I was stupid enough to believe that I could fly in a non metaphorical way…” He was looking at me instead of the place I was referring to and he had an interesting expression on his face. He then realized he had zoned out and turned around, crouched down to where his backpack was and started fiddling with his its zipper. I wondered what he had brought along with him. My curiosity ended when he took out a soccer ball and placed it on the ground. “I found this at the attic a couple of days ago. Haven’t played soccer in years!” We didn’t play soccer at school, just ran track and did some boot camp exercises.

He started kicking the ball upwards using his feet and knees and chest. “I used to be able to do one hundred,” he stated when the ball dropped as he reached twenty. He then passed the ball to me and I started also doing kicks. I wasn’t as good as Josh, but I still managed to reach ten. We started passing the ball to each other and then we started playing real soccer.

We used to play it sometimes when we were younger, but then his parents had confiscated the ball, firstly because it wasn’t an American sport and then because they thought he was wasting his time with useless hobbies. He never found the ball, until then. He wasn’t amazing at it and soccer was never his passion, but he had some skills.

After some time, he passed me the ball and I stopped it to check my mobile phone to see the time. More than half an hour had passed, so I picked the ball up and said “We’ll have to play another day. I have to get home early, before my parents work shifts end.” He nodded understanding, but sad. I threw him the ball for him to put it in his backpack. I grabbed my own and joined him, as he was finishing zipping up his backpack. We walked the whole way back to our homes joking with some of the funny moments we had while we played soccer.

Suddenly, when we entered my neighborhood, which came before his, he stopped and said “I think I like someone…” before continuing walking. I looked at him to see if he was serious. He was serious. I didn’t recall him ever having a crush, not even when he was younger. I didn’t even recall him acknowledging the looks of any girls at school. To be honest, he didn’t even know most people in his class, so talking in a more general perspective, such as school, is out of the question.

“Really? Who?” I tried to hide my excitement, but I was suddenly filled with curiosity. To try to show him that I wasn’t so curious to know who it was, I nudged him with my elbow and said “Wow, your hormones are finally working! I thought it would never happen.” I was teasing him and he laughed at my remark.

He put his hands in his pockets and thought whether or not to say. I wondered why he was having doubts, I mean, we were best friends and he knew that I could bring my friends’ secrets with me to the grave. He looked at me and said “I’m not sure though. I’ll tell you when I’m sure…” His answer disappointed me. I didn’t mind if he didn’t want to tell me, but he wanted but didn’t tell me. I could tell from the way he spoke those words. It was like he was afraid for once that I would judge him. Or maybe I was just angry for being left in suspense and was overanalyzing it all.

By the time he had said that, we were a house away from mine. Even if I wanted to insist with him on revealing me the person, I wanted to do the same with my brother but about a different topic. “Okay, I have to go now. I’ll see you monday at school.” He nodded and as I was walking to my house, I turned my head and saw him still where I left him, looking at me with his eyebrows furrowed, thinking about something. I entered my house.

I ran upstairs. This time, I heard closely if I could hear inappropriate sounds coming from behind his door, before I knocked on it. I only heard the faint sound of people talking and some laughter. A few seconds after I knocked, Ian opened the door, wearing only his pajama pants, and not letting me in the room. “I’ll be out in a second. Just trying to find my shirt.” Then he closed the door and I went to my room to wait for him.

He didn’t take too long. I had barely sat on my chair, when he entered my room. “Sorry, but Petra came over again. I’ll just walk her out of the house.” He had a dopey smile on his face, the one he had on whenever he was with his girlfriend or under the influence of alcohol. A few years before, he had told me that he had lost his virginity when he was fifteen, but he regretted it. He told me it was messy and they both weren’t really ready and he almost forgot to use a condom. That was the only time he had talked to me about his sex life. It wasn’t a topic I liked talking about.

I waited for him as he walked Petra, who waved to me when she passed by my door in the hallway, downstairs and out of the house. My guess was that he didn’t tell her yet, so I would be the only other person, except Uncle Kant, who would know about it. He took a little more time than the expected probably still kissing her and when he finally arrived in my room, I was already done checking my homework for the day. It wasn’t much, maybe because it was our first round of tests and the teachers decided to give us a break. I thanked them telepathically.

He walked into my room and closed the door, even though my parents weren’t home for another fifteen minutes. “So, I met with Uncle Kant this morning as well to finish planning the move.” He looked at me expectantly. He didn’t want to say directly what the plans were, but when he saw that the word he had used to hint me wasn’t computing to well in my brain, he said “I’m going into exile.” He made a pause and I assumed he meant to Canada, where most people went, and it was fairly easy to get caught, so I was shocked that Uncle Kant had made a foolish suggestion, until Ian finished telling me the plan. “In Spain.”

I was in complete and utter shock. Spain was a neutral country, but it was also an ocean away, miles and miles away. This wasn’t like going by car to Canada. He would have to catch an illegal flight through Canada or Mexico to get there. “What? Spain?”

He looked at me as if he were already expecting that reaction. He decided to explain. “Uncle Kant has friends in Spain, people who went to live there in the beginning of the war. And he also has friends in Mexico who own a shipping company and I could go on one of their planes along with the cargo and meet with his friends in Spain who will get me settled in. It’s all been set up.” He was talking about it as if it were all too easy, too simple.

Unfortunately for him, things were never simple.

“What about Petra? And mom and dad?” I looked at him and watched his face drop. “What about me?” I asked a bit lower, so my voice wouldn’t come out in a squeaky tone, due to the knots in my throat that had formed when I was trying to suppress the tears. If his inspection was in less than three weeks, he’d have to leave before it. And it was too soon.

“I already told Petra, yesterday morning. She didn’t react too well and wanted to come along, but I can’t bring her with me. What I’m going to do is too risky and I don’t want to bring her into it.” He stopped a bit, burying his face in his hands, and then looking up again. “I hated seeing her cry, so I told her that no matter what happened, when I returned I’d look for her. She would be in my heart.” He made a sincere smile, although his eyes were filled with sadness. “But if I don’t return…” He didn’t even finish the sentence. Instead, he pushed the thought out of his mind and added “that’s why we’re cherishing every moment we have left… I only have eight more days here.”

“Eight days? Eight fucking days?!” He looked at me and nodded. “But the army inspection is only in two and a half weeks! Why so soon?” I was trying to control my urge to shed some tears. But the thought that in eight days, I wouldn’t see my brother for months or maybe years to come terrified me. I knew it was coming, but I still was hoping for an alternative way, a third option.

“Tristan, from what I’ve heard, like ten days before, the army will visit the house of the new future recruits to do a small interview and basically explain what we’ll need to bring for the army inspection. This is the crap we think they’ll do, but these visits are just too see if we’ve decided to run away or not and to give us some sort of tracker, so we’re basically cornered until the day of the examination where there is no turning back…” As he explained that, he looked more and more like my Uncle and like Josh. “Uncle Kant told me this when I complained about the time. I’m leaving the day before their visit.”

“Eight days are not enough…” He sighed knowing I was right.

“I know, I know… It’s not easy on me either!” His mask of ease was slowly tearing away, leaving my vulnerable brother before me “I accepted it though. And I have to live with it. Mom and dad can’t know about it, so I have to fake ease. I fake it every time I think how little I have left here. You don’t know what it’s like to go somewhere completely strange to you and abandon everyone you love behind. Maybe by the time you have to make the decision, the war will end and you won’t have to go through this shit!” He then stopped what he was saying and realized he was taking his anger and stress on me. “Sorry, I just… I just wish there was more time.”

“Me too,” I said. After some time, the tension that the conversation had formed was killing me and if I didn’t change the aura of the room, I would be in tears. It was just a matter of time. So I said “Eight days… We have to take advantage of them.” I walked to my closet and opened it to change my clothes to something more fitting for the evening. “Let’s go out later, after dinner.”

“But you have homework and a curfew…” He started arguing.

“And in eight days I’ll dedicate my full attention to my studies. Fuck school this week! I still have three years in it!” He laughed but he knew that I was just joking and that I would be my little obedient self and do the homework before we sneaked out and arrive home relatively early. Well, I thought he knew but apparently he was with a slightly worried face. “Don’t worry. I won’t put my studies aside completely. I know that every page counts for the final evaluation and that I still have a chance at going to college and shouldn’t waste it.” I remembered how he had told me not to be like him and actually dedicate myself to my studies, because maybe I could still have my third option.

“Okay, so let me see…” He was making a mental schedule “Mornings and afternoons with Petra and evenings with you.” I smiled although it still seemed too short. I felt worse about Petra though. She had lost nearly everyone in her life, except her grandmother, and now she was about to lose the person she loved the most who wasn’t from the same bloodline.

“Great. And since tomorrow it’s the first day of the weekend, we should all go hang out at the park. You, me, Petra and Josh.” He nodded liking the idea. And as if it was choreographed to happen at the same time our conversation ended, we heard the downstairs entrance door open. It was my cue to do my homework in record time, so that after dinner we would go to our rooms for the rest of the evening. At least that’s what our parents would believe.

Ian had joined us for dinner, but there was some tension. My dad wouldn’t even look at Ian. The only conversation that occurred was when my parents asked me about school and it died quickly. When we were done we went to our rooms and I fixed my bed using my pillows to pretend I was asleep, although I wasn’t leaving yet, just tried to make it as realistic as I could. I never sneaked out before, so I didn’t want to get caught on the first try.

I left my bedroom and went into my brother’s room, avoiding making any noise. He was on the computer reading something. “What are you reading?” He saw me closing the door and closed the window he was reading. Then I saw a screen that was filled with weird codes and he erased the codes, and then closed the window.

“Nothing special, just some news about a new brand of mobile phones,” he was turning off his computer as he answered my question and was going to his clothing room to pick something warmer to wear.

“What were those codes then?” I asked.

He sighed and said as he zipped his grey cotton hoodie on. “I’ll tell you when we’re outside.” His eyes looked out the door and I understood what he meant. It wasn’t safe to talk about it at home, so it had to do with his move to Spain. I still couldn’t accept that as the words that simple fact repeated in my mind. In a way he also seemed like he didn’t want to tell me what he had been reading up on the computer. I didn’t understand why. I mean, he knew that I wouldn’t tell anyone about the plan and that he could trust me, so I didn’t understand his motives for not wanting to tell me something.

His wall wasn’t artificial like mine. He actually had a balcony in his bedroom. He lifted his bed with the remote control and grabbed a rope. The rope was transparent and you couldn’t distinguish it from the background it was in. Ian was a master at sneaking out. He would do it a lot, because he hated his curfew, even now that he didn’t have one, as long as he lived in that house, he would have limits on the time he spent out. He tied the rope onto one of the bars of the balcony and threw the rope at the ground. It wasn’t such a big height, but I wouldn’t risk jumping. Our parents were still awake, but they wouldn’t check Ian’s room, so we probably wouldn’t get caught.

I still wasn’t sure where we were heading at that time of night. We couldn’t go to places with age restrictions such as clubs, because they actually checked people’s ages. Ian didn’t like clubs anyway. He preferred cabin parties, which were often popular by students. I never went to any, because I didn’t like those events.

He told me to go down first, so I went to the other side of the metallic fence that surrounded the balcony, and climbed down the rope. It wasn’t hard to go down, but I knew it would be harder to climb. I was still clumsy and almost fell down a couple of times. When I was down, I watched Ian go down with such ease that made me envious. He seemed to be holding onto thin air, because the rope was nearly invisible. When he was down, we left the backyard silently and stuck to dark places until we were out of the suburbs and the city and on our way to the park.

We didn’t even decide to go there, but our feet lead us that way. I guess after all the places we could go, the park would be the hang out where our heart was. It was quite cold for an average autumn evening and I was wearing a jacket. “So what were those codes?” I asked, my voice shaking a bit because of the cold.

He didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about that particular topic, but he still answered “Uncle Kant gave me some codes that if I put into the command system of the computer, it would block the transmission of my navigating history to the government… Those were the codes.” That seemed like the easiest part for him, because he was still slightly at ease with the conversation, but when I asked him what he was reading to be hiding from the government, he stopped in his tracks. He took some time to answer. “I already told you it was nothing special.” He answered it as if he had thought it would shut me up. But he wasn’t quite right.

“I know it is something important! Why don’t you want to tell me? It’s not like I’ll rat you off to mom and dad!” I was a bit angry. I had stopped and looked at him, looking at him, waiting for him to tell me something. It wasn’t happening as fast as I wanted and I was impatient. “I’m not a little kid anymore! I can understand problems!”

“You’re still as curious as you were as a kid…” He laughed a bit. I didn’t. When he noticed that I was serious, he said “Alright! Look, I didn’t want to tell you, because I don’t want to get you involved in this. This is not like going to Canada or Mexico where I can just steal a car, change my name and start over without many problems! The people, who get caught that way, probably did it on impulse and didn’t prepare!” I didn’t understand the point of his explanation and my expression made it very clear to him apparently, because he then said “I have to do something for them, because I can’t pay in cash…”

“What do you mean with doing something for them? What do you have to do?”

He closed his eyes and tried to say it fast to get it over with. “I’m going to transport drugs for them. I was reading a message from the dealer who is friends with the owner of the plane that contained information about the quantity I’d have to bring, the address I’d have to bring it to once I was in Spain. The plane transports many products, but also is used for drug trafficking.” He paused and opened his eyes to see my response, but before I even had time to react he said “Uncle Kant said it was safe and that all I had to do was bring it there and I didn’t need to be involved in the business…”

“Drugs?!” That’s all that I could bring myself to say. I knew he was desperate, but if he was caught, he wouldn’t even go to war, he’d be executed either by lethal injection or electric chair. I didn’t want to think about him getting caught, but many people he had known and decided to exile, had been caught and died at war. None of them were bringing drugs with them!

“Tristan, listen. I won’t get caught. I’ll be safe in Spain and time will go fast and the war will end. Before you know it, we will be back here smoking cigarettes and fooling around.” He was trying to smile sincerely, but he also knew that everything he said was just trying to deal with a problem optimistically.

“You know that you’re kind of scaring me by presenting impossibilities to back up your safety and well-being.” He sighed not knowing any other way to convince me to change topic. I tried to accept it and deep down I knew I couldn’t but I also didn’t want to waste my last days with him bringing him down with his decisions, so I said in a playful tone “And I don’t smoke!” He laughed.

We spent the rest of the night fooling around in the park and reminiscing about some memories that were almost forgotten and we’re suddenly brought back to the surface: some about our first crushes in primary school and his first broken heart; others about some of the trips we would do around the country and the funniest memories of those trips; and some about me when I was a baby. This last one was mainly Ian telling stories about how I would listen to a word and repeat it over and over until everyone would get sick of the word and never mention it again and about how I couldn’t sleep if people in the room were talking. “Maybe I should correct my previous statement. Since you were a baby, you were curious.” He put some emphasis on the word ‘baby’ and was laughing. I laughed too because I had to admit it was funny.

He suddenly stopped and noticed something. He walked to the tree where Joshua had carved his dream, hoping it would someday come true, and examined the word that was carved out very roughly. “What’s this?” He asked.

“Joshua carved that. He said he wanted the future generations to be able to see that word again in the dictionary.” I was quoting my best friend and his wish sounded so poetic unlike mine. Mine was selfish and egocentric, but it was my dream nonetheless. I wanted to prove that I could do something well and be passionate about it, because I knew I wasn’t intellectual enough to succeed in a scholar field, or physically apt to survive a year in a battlefield. But swimming? I believed that I could and I was prepared to give it all my efforts.

He smiled and put his palm over the word. “If only it would happen sooner. If it happened sometime this week, I’d actually give up sex!” I laughed and asked him if he was serious. He then realized what he had said and corrected himself “Are you kidding? No way! I’m not going to give up that! I’ll give up alcohol, cigarettes, parties, but not that!” I was laughing at his reaction to his own statement. I would miss the way he’d make me laugh. Joshua also was funny, but never as funny as Ian.

I looked at the time in my mobile phone and it was almost two in the morning. “We better get going…” He nodded and we started making our way back home. I wanted to ask him something before we arrived home though. “Ian,” I waited for him to look at me before I continued “do you think that while you’re in exile, we’ll be able to talk? I know phone calls are out of the question, but like letters or e-mails…”

His expression didn’t give leave me optimistic. “I don’t know. Uncle Kant didn’t tell me anything about that. But I can’t promise anything, you know that.” I nodded. “But I will try.” He assured me. And I smiled. “But if I do, don’t go spamming my inbox with chain messages and questions about homework.” He said mockingly.

“Hey! I only sent you one chain message accidentally! And it was because the story seemed pretty realistic and scary!” He was laughing and I was hitting him playfully. “And the homework bit,” I thought of an acceptable excuse, but couldn’t find one “I just can’t help it…”

“I’ll leave you all my schoolwork before I leave, so you can just clear all your doubts with it.” I thanked him. We entered the suburbs so we couldn’t talk anymore. Not just because of the topic, but we could be caught. There was a general curfew for minors, to reduce criminal activity by the younger residents of the suburbs. We stuck once again to dark places and went into our backyard to climb the rope. I was right: climbing was definitely harder. I took about five minutes just to climb it. And to top it all off, I was pretty tired and sleepy as I climbed. Ian tried to help me, but he was tired too, although he climbed it faster than me and still with a lot of ease.

I didn’t want to sleep yet, but my body didn’t agree with me. It was tired and wanted to sleep, but I wanted to spend the whole night talking or playing games with my brother. Sometimes I still felt like a kid and loved spending hours in the weekend playing video and virtual reality games. Both me and Ian had a hidden compartment in our rooms with all our electronic games, just like a mini arcade. I didn’t want to waste my time with my eyes closed and my mind away in another imaginary world, which I would probably forget about the next morning. It just didn’t appeal to me much. But eventually, my body caved in and I was, unwillingly, fast asleep on my bed.

“No, no no... Come on! Fuck! Why isn’t it turning?!” I was mumbling to myself as I played a racing game with my headphones on. My parents had a lunch out with friends and me and my brother were stuck at home. He was in his room with Petra though and I decided to do something that would drown out the sounds from the room next door. My parents wouldn’t be home until my mom had to prepare dinner, they usually spent a lot of time talking. And with the tension in the house, they would probably stay longer than usual.

The sounds from the game were loud and had loud electronic music as the soundtrack, so all my attention was focused on winning the race I was in. I was in the lead, until I forgot to do a turn and blamed it on the controls. I still had three laps to get into the lead. The game controller was basically a wireless steering wheel and in which to accelerate I’d grip the wheel tighter and then just spin it to turn. It was pretty simple and I could play the game for hours. I also had other games, and I didn’t have favorites. I usually just picked one at random.

There was some censorship in games, for example: every war game had to be patriotic and couldn’t have any villains from the same country. I never played war games, they made me nervous. Other games that were banned were all the games that could lead to criminal activity. Games with sexual content were also banned, because the government was constituted by conservative people. Games that involved music would only have songs that didn’t have songs with explicit content or songs related to rebellion and going against the rules and the government. Music from the past from movements such as the punk movement, were prohibited. You could only get them illegally.

I didn’t even bother to check the homework, because I had been playing the game ever since I had woken up. I didn’t even eat lunch. I was hungry. I would finish the race and then get something to eat while I checked the assignments. I was afraid to leave my room and the comfort of my headphones. But as I walked into the hallway, I was welcomed by laughter coming from the room next door and a female voice yelling “Take that! I’m in the lead now!” They were playing the same game as me. I would go get something to eat and then meet with them to play.

But as I was running back up the stairs after making myself a smoked turkey and lettuce sandwich, I thought about going back to my room instead and leave the two alone. They probably wanted to take advantage of their time together as well. I began to eat my sandwich on the way, not leaving a trail of bread crumbs on the floor, and went into my room to do my homework so I would have the entire night free without worrying about deadlines. Usually the weekend homework would come on Saturday and we could send in until Sunday afternoon. It wasn’t too much, so I would do it all that afternoon and then on Sunday maybe invite Josh over and we could all go to the park.

I finished the assignments before I heard the entrance door close. After that, my brother walked into my room and said “I can’t believe she won to me at Speed Race! It was her first time at playing and she won me three times in a row.” I laughed at his shocked expression. “But I guess it’s only fair, ‘cause on the only round we made a bet, I won.” And he had a smirk on his face that let me know that I didn’t want to know what the bet was.

“So what have you been up to all day?” He asked when he realized that his last line had created an awkward silence in my room. I pointed at the computer screen and the games. I was kind of still stuck in that awkward tension. I just didn’t feel comfortable with topics like those for some reason. The first time I had gotten ‘the talk’ from my parents, was when I was thirteen and it had been my dad talking about it and since then I was uncomfortable about talking about that specific topic. After getting a mental image of my brother actually doing it, my levels of discomfort about that topic had just raised. “Oh, you stayed here the whole day?” I nodded. “Oh, why didn’t you join us? We could’ve done a race! All of us…”

“You did mention a bet, didn’t you?” I raised my left eyebrow.

“Oh, right. But if you were there, we wouldn’t have done the bet, don’t worry.” I looked at him suspiciously. “Kisses wouldn’t burn your eyesight!” He defended himself. That killed the tension. After some minutes, we were both sitting on my bed racing against each other and swearing too much that even rioters would be amazed.

Once my parents arrived, we stopped playing because we just couldn’t play without swearing a bit. We ate dinner, which was a little less awkward than the previous night, because my dad was in a good mood He asked me what I did the whole day and I said “Homework and games.” One thing I had learned: always mention school work first, because they’ll assume it was your priority. Other than that, the conversation at the table was almost inexistent.

After dinner, we just waited a bit and I arranged my pillows the same way as the night before and wore a thicker jacket. I put on also a cap which I had bought when we had gone to our first to a stadium to watch our first baseball game with our dad. I never got into baseball, but I did like the cap. I went into Ian’s room and he had already gone down the rope and was waiting for me downstairs.

Our evening was basically the same, except this time, Ian showed me a bottle of beer he had sneaked with him. I had never drunk beer before. He told me to try some and explained to me that he wasn’t going to get me into trouble and would control the alcohol we would drink. He was pretty responsible and I knew he would do fine in Spain on his own, at least in terms of handling house work and rent and stuff like that. If I were in his position, I would be scared out of my mind and at the same time be overwhelmed with the responsibilities I’d have.

At first, I didn’t want to drink, but he told me to just try and if I didn’t like, I didn’t have to have it anymore, so I tasted a sip. It was sour and I felt a burning sensation going down my throat. “You like this drink?” I asked still hating the taste of the alcohol on my tongue. But once the taste wore off, I decided to try some more and it wasn’t as strong as the first sip. After a couple more sips, I was starting to like the taste and he mocked me about it.

“Hey, save some for me!” He grabbed the bottle and drank in one single time, nearly double the amount I had drunk. “That cap you’re wearing is familiar. Where did you buy it?” He asked pointing at the cap.

“Remember that baseball game dad took us to see a couple of years ago. The one where the team he supported lost and we were spent the whole time pretending to understand how it all worked?” He wasn’t remembering it so I tried to think of some more hints about the day we went to watch the baseball game. “The one where you accidentally spilled all your drink on the pants of the man sitting beside you and dad spent half an hour apologizing to him?” He then remembered the game and started laughing at he embarrassing childhood moment.

We spent the rest of the night talking about more memories and then he started telling me about stuff he had found out about the city in which he would live for some time and told me about the monuments and the shows and the beaches, which were surprisingly not polluted, there. In a way he did make me envious, because he was going to a neutral country, but I knew he was just talking about good things, because he didn’t want to leave and wanted to handle the emotional battle of it all by thinking of the positive things.

“Send me a souvenir, or two!” I smiled deciding to help him instead of make him feel worse about his move like the previous night. I was selfish thinking about what I’d go through without him, but I had no idea just how much he would go through. I couldn’t imagine leaving mom and dad and Joshua and him and Uncle Kant… I couldn’t picture having to leave everything I had grown with and move to a completely different place… I wished the war would end before my time to make the decision arrived.

“I’ll try. But it can’t be too expensive. I’ll still need to find a job, because I just can’t live off Uncle Kant’s friends too long… I’ll have to find my own place and pay bills and learn the language.” He laughed at the last bit. Languages weren’t his strong point. He was already thinking about things in the long run. He knew the war would last for years and that he might as well get acquainted with the culture while he was there.

“Yeah, sure. Even just pictures will do.” I suggested.

“One question… Where do I find money for a camera?” I had forgotten that. “Okay, I’ll try to take pictures. But it will take some time. First thing I’ll do is learn Spanish and get a job.” I nodded. “Tristan, while I’m not here, can you please check on Petra for me?” I nodded. It wasn’t too hard. I was friends with her as well, so it wouldn’t be too bad.

We stayed at the park for hours, until we started to feel the effect of the booze wear off and feel sleepy, so we walked home. Climbing up the rope when all you wanted to do was collapse on the bed was the hardest task I had to do. Even my brother almost fell down a couple of times. It was almost three in the morning when I entered my room. I let my body fall on the bed, not even bothering to change my clothes into my pajamas.

But for some reason, I just wasn’t falling asleep. I moved a lot in my bed and just couldn’t make myself fall asleep, so I just stared at the ceiling. Maybe it was because the last thought I had when I wished a good night to my brother, was how in less than six days I wouldn’t be able to do it for some time. I would have to pass by his empty room and fell sad. Life was so unfair. It wasn’t our fault that the war began, why did we have to risk our lives fighting in it?

I grabbed onto my pillow for some comfort and forced my eyes shut, hoping to fall asleep soon. Only once I moved into a fetal position and thought about swimming, I was able to finally allow sleep to greet me with all its warmness.

The next morning, the first thing I did when I woke up was call Josh to invite him over. His voice was groggy when he answered the phone, so I assumed he had just gotten up as well. I asked him if he was free and if he wanted to come over and then maybe go to the park. He didn’t even think, he answered affirmatively without hesitation. He would be in my house in about an hour. I went into Ian’s room and knocked on the door. He showed up, wearing his pajama pants only and rubbing his eyes as he yawned.

“Good morning,” he said Apparently, I was the only morning person who could wake up and feel energized, because Ian also had a croaky voice and his hair was all over the place as if he had just gotten up from bed when I knocked.

“Good morning,” I returned the greeting and since he wouldn’t let me enter, I assumed Petra arrived early and sneaked into his room through the balcony. He leaned his arm onto the doorway, because he was too sleepy for his legs to support his weight. “I was thinking that since Josh and Petra are coming over, we could all go to the park together and have a picnic and spend the day there. We could tell mom and dad that since you were going to the army, we wanted to seize the day and not waste time from the days you have left. What do you think?” He thought about it.

“Yeah, sure,” he responded. “What time is it anyway?” He looked at the watch that was at the end of the hallway. It was a bit after ten in the morning. I had gotten up later than the usual. “Damn, you got up early! Give us an hour to wake up completely, and then we can go.” I nodded and let him go back to his room.

I went to my room to change clothes from the ones I had worn the previous night to something else. I picked once again without the help of the computer, because I didn’t like doing it often, preferring to make the different outfit combinations myself. This time I picked a navy, long sleeved v-neck sweater and a pair of denim pants. Most of my pants were jeans, so it didn’t make much difference which one I wore.

A few minutes after I got dressed, I heard the doorbell downstairs ring and I went downstairs to answer the door. Joshua was standing there wearing a pair of dark denim pants and a pastel blue t-shirt underneath a black jacket with a hood. He also had a backpack on, probably with the soccer ball in it. “So when are we going to the park?” He wasn’t a big fan of video games; he only liked old school fighting games which you couldn’t get legally.

“Once the two vampire lovebirds upstairs decide it’s already time to welcome sunlight into their bedroom, we may go,” I was direction my stare upstairs, so he would know that the two were still in bed and didn’t plan on leaving it too early.

I made way for him to enter and he rolled his eyes a bit. He tried to explain to me that since my brother was going to war, he would want every opportunity he could to spend time with his girlfriend or to quote him “to fulfill his sexual needs and desires” with her, therefore it would take ages for them to stop being vampires and embrace the day and finally leave their “coffin”. Oddly, it was in those moments that Josh adored using many figures of speech. I couldn’t believe that even my best friend could talk about it casually in my presence, knowing I was awkward with those topics.

“What will we do then while we wait?” I was about to suggest video games even though he didn’t like them, but he interrupted me. “Except video games…” I was out of ideas. Well, we could watch the news, but that would just make my whole day nostalgic. Then I remembered.

“Well, since we’re going to have lunch there, we might as well do some sandwiches and prepare some drinks.” He agreed. Josh loved to cook, surprisingly, and he was also a genius in the kitchen. I asked him to begin without me while I called my mom who had gone grocery shopping with my dad before we woke up. She allowed as long as I arrived before the curfew and didn’t go anywhere dangerous. She probably meant the country, which included the park, but I told her we’d eat in the city.

When I returned to the kitchen, he was already putting everything in clear wrap and on temperature monitored plastic boxes. These would keep the sandwiches hot and the drinks cold. “Bring your backpack. So we can put these inside.” I ran upstairs to get my backpack and as I was leaving my room I saw my Ian and Petra leaving his room fully clothed. Petra’s hair was slightly messy and so was my brother’s and it just brought back a glimpse of the mental image I had carefully stored away into the recycle bin of my mind. I tried to hide my reaction though and luckily, they didn’t notice. They just greeted me and we all went downstairs.

We were all sitting on a small clearing among the tall grass nearby the playground, eating out sandwiches and talking about some school moments. Petra mentioned how she almost got expelled, because she had arrived late and still said a swear word because the teacher didn’t want to listen to her explanation. She said “Still to this day I have a grudge against Mrs. Fiennes. She hated me and I hated her. She was waiting for the day I would hit my third strike and get the boot, but it never happened. Instead, I aced her class.”

Joshua added a similar story of his “Mrs. Fiennes is okay. It’s her son’s friend, Mr. Locke, who I despise. He knows I hate modern History and he makes my life living hell for it.” My brother agreed with him. “You know, I’ve heard a rumor from this guy in my class, who for some reason knows everything before everyone else, about how Mr. Locke being in a serious relationship with Jules Fiennes.” Ian, Petra and me all disagreed with that. “Think about it, he’s handsome and has never been together with a woman.” We all were still skeptical. “Fine, I still think he is though.”

The rest of the lunch was just us talking the jobs we would dream about having when we were kids and the teachers we hated and loved. And then Josh grabbed his soccer ball and wanted to play. We broke into teams of two: me and Ian against Petra and Josh. We put our empty glasses on the ground to set the goal area.

We decided to play until somebody scored fifteen goals. We threw a coin and picked heads or tails. And since we had picked heads, and it came out heads, we would start with the ball. My team kicked off strong, scoring two goals right off the bat, but then Petra took off her ballet flat shoes and tied her hair up in a pony tail and said “You’re on.” That’s when she really brought up her game and turned out to be a better player than me. In the end, they beat us by one goal. They started mocking us and doing a little victory dance.

It was a really good day, but the curfew was approaching, so we all began to go on our way home. Petra didn’t live in the same neighborhood as us, so Ian would go with her and join me at home after and me and Josh would go our normal way.

Josh didn’t know about Ian’s exile, so we couldn’t mention it the whole afternoon. The less people that knew about it, the better: that was what Ian had told me the previous night. Josh would want to go along and would probably find out the place and go along. Ian knew that and didn’t want to get him involved. So we just walked our way home, mine being closer than his, and he asked me if I already studied anything for my Geography test the next day. It was then I realized that my brother’s departure couldn’t have been in a better time. It was my week of tests.

I would study once I arrived until dinner. And then I remembered that I had forgotten completely about the two hours of physics I had to study daily. Ian and I would have to leave later than usual, because after dinner I still had to dedicate two hours to physics and at least an hour to Geography. “I have to go now. Sorry, but I have a lot of stuff to do…” I told Josh and ran home to save some time. I arrived half an hour before the curfew ended. I still had two hours to study physics before dinner. Then I would just have to study Geography. I could study two hours of it and go out.

While I was climbing up the stairs, my dad called my name. I went into the living room where he was, having a feeling what he wanted to tell me. He was watching the news: images of soldiers shooting citizens of other countries and bombs exploding in the background were playing. “Tristan, have you been studying those two hours of physics that you promised me?” I was right. I was about to lie and respond affirmatively, when he said “Because you’ve been playing games a lot, and spending a lot of time out. And it seems like you haven’t even thought about those two hours… At least from what I found out through your computer history…” He looked at me suspiciously.

He had caught me. There was no point of lying. He had been snooping through my computer history and since it was through the computer where I studied, because all my lessons were installed into it, so we didn’t have books. “But dad, Ian is going to war soon and I wanted to spend some time with him…”

“Oh, so school isn’t important?” He lowered the volume on the television.

“Dad… I’ll study, I promise. I have other homework and more tests to study for. If I study two hours of physics along with that, I won’t have any time with Ian…” He just looked at me and thought a bit.

“But won’t he go to the army inspection in two weeks? And isn’t this your test week?” Oh, he was getting suspicious. I tried to find a way to argue but I was blank. “How bout this week you focus, then next week you can spend all the time you want with him and your other friends?” Well, because he won’t be here next week, but you can’t know that. Yet I couldn’t find an argument to debate against his suggestion. I was stuck.

“One week isn’t enough…” I wasn’t exactly lying. I had less than a week with him anyway.
His lips formed a thin straight line as he thought. “Okay, just this once. If you don’t finish this term with a 65 average, then you can say goodbye to your swimming practices.” He had found my weakness. I was screwed. But I decided not to debate, because that was the best deal I could get. So I left the room and went upstairs to my room.

I decided to not study the two hours of physics and instead devote all my time to Geography. I had to get at least a 66 or 67 on the test, to balance my grades and get the average my dad wanted. We had three terms and this term we still had three rounds of tests. I still had a chance. I went on my computer and started studying everything about geography. My brother walked into my room almost an hour after I began and he said “Tristan, I can’t make it today. I promised I’d stay at Petra’s place.” That made me sad. When he saw my reaction he said “But I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. I’ll even help you study, if you want.” I smiled and thanked him. He helped me memorize some things before dinner.

After dinner, he stuck around for a while, to explain something I didn’t understand fully. He wasn’t very good at explaining it though, Geography wasn’t his strong point, but he covered the basics, so I would try to understand the rest on my own. He had to leave. He, unlike me, could leave whenever he wanted, but he couldn’t sleep over at Petra’s place. My parents didn’t like her all that much. She wasn’t the girl they dreamed about their son marrying someday. They probably pictured him marrying a polite, conservative, obedient girl with perfect hair and nails and an elegant, yet shy posture. So he had to sneak out.

I studied until it was time to go to bed and turned off my computer. I wasn’t too nervous about the test, because I knew the things fairly well, but you could never be too confident. I looked at my ceiling for about half an hour and thought how I would have decent grades and still go out during the night with Ian. And still go to the swimming practices. As always though, sleep got the best of me and my eyes closed like an automatic machine and I had no choice but to drift away into the nocturnal world of illusions.

The rest of the week consisted on paying attention at school, wasting away all my efforts on the tests, and hanging out with Ian at night, studying before we left every time. He was getting sadder towards the last three days, when he realized that time was really coming to an end. He was secretly packing some things to take with him and I could tell that by actually preparing to leave, Ian was breaking apart. He didn’t know how long he would be gone, he didn’t know what to take, and he didn’t know how he would handle it. I wanted to be empathetic, but I would make it worse, because he would see me as sad as him and feel worse.

Two days before the day he had to leave, I had a swimming practice and didn’t really want to go. I wanted to spend my time with Ian. Mr. Rodriguez would understand it, right? No, I couldn’t put swimming aside. In the end, water would always enchant me and make me dive into it. I’d have the whole evening with Ian though, so I didn’t feel all that bad as I stepped into the swimming facility.

I was swimming my tenth length when I felt someone else inside the pool. I stopped and looked to my right and my feeling was right. Someone else was swimming. And that someone else was slower than me. When his head surfaced and he took off his goggles I recognized him immediately. It was Ian.

“What are you doing here?” I asked happy, but surprised.

“I talked to Mr. Rodriguez and he didn’t mind if you had a little competition today, although, I’m not the best competitor for you. You are too fast!” He was laughing and I looked at my coach who pretended to be clueless about it. We spent that practice doing small races, in which I won all of them. It wasn’t so hard, but he hadn’t gone into a swimming pool in years, so I was already expecting it.

As we walked in direction to the locker room, Mr. Rodriguez stopped Ian to talk to him. I stopped and could faintly hear him wishing Ian good luck and then giving him a hug. We got changed and walked out of the facility. “I definitely have to buy some pompoms in Spain.” I looked at him puzzled. “You know for when you compete in the Olympic Games.”

“Oh, we’ve talked about this. You cheering without the dance is already great.” He frowned and tried to convince me that the dance wouldn’t burn anybody’s eyes or hurt anybody for that matter. “Nope, just cheer.” He finally lifted his white flag and accepted it.

That evening I thought about the next day. It was the day he’d have to go. He told us he would only go after midnight, and that his flight was just the next morning. Josh didn’t know though. Before we left that night to go out, Josh had talked to me on the phone about a very old song he had heard. He didn’t know the song or the artist, because he had gotten them illegally and the title and artist were changed, but said that it would’ve been the perfect song for any prom. I asked him to bring the next night, where all of us would hang out together again.

So on the last night, I had finally finished all my tests of the first round and was relieved, but sad simultaneously. Petra wasn’t as happy or witty as she normally was, being a little glum on that day. Josh arrived a bit late, telling us there were some complications when he sneaked out, but he would deal with them after. He had an old school music player and a disk with something scribbled on it. The music player he carried, according to him, worked on batteries, so he could take it anywhere and play it. He put the disk in it and put it on the picnic cloth. Ian had invited his best friend Mark as well. Ian hadn’t told Mark, because he realized he had already gotten too many people involved and didn’t want to get his best friend involved, but couldn’t spend his last night without his friend. Mark had spent the entire week visiting his grandmother who had fallen ill, so he couldn’t come to any of the times we met up. We were, once again, at the park having a small picnic at night and looking at the starless sky.

Josh suddenly turned to Ian, Mark and Petra and asked “What song did they play at your prom? Was it memorable?” When they shook their head and said it was a forgettable song of an electronic and computerized nature. “I think this will compensate that song.” He pressed play on the music player and a rough sound, due to the horrible sound quality of the player and the fact that the song was extremely old, started playing. Ian and Petra looked at each other loving the song and Ian got up and held his hand out to Petra. She accepted and he helped her up, before putting his arm around her waist and allowing her to put her arm around his neck. They swayed along to the song. And I couldn’t help feel emotional as I saw Petra’s tears rolling down her cheeks as she buried her face in the crook of his neck and he tried to comfort her with small pecks on her forehead.

I looked to my left and Josh was looking at me and smiling, although his eyes expressed some sadness. He also knew Ian and didn’t want to see him leaving, but he didn’t know that was our last night with Ian. Mark also looked at me empathetically, not knowing that it was the last time he’d see his best friend too. Mark and Ian had been best friends since the sixth grade. They both had that carefree spirit that many people lacked. His light auburn hair combed back, allowing a clear sight of his face that had some freckles and his light green eyes that seemed darker due to the lack of light in the place we were sitting. Petra was breaking down when the song ended and she excused herself. She went to the swings and Ian said “You guys wait here,” and he went after Petra. I saw the two of them talking, not being able to hear anything and only see their gestures, their kisses, their tears and their hugs.

I felt my own tears escape my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them off but the reality was: in less than two hours I would have to say goodbye to him. As that reality repeated in my head, more tears started pouring out of my eyes, and I just felt two arms wrap around me. When I managed to open my eyes, I saw Joshua hugging me tightly. I hugged him back and tried to control my tears from leaving my eyes. And he couldn’t tell me anything, because he couldn’t be realistic without lying. And he hated lying. So we just stayed in silence until I calmed down and they returned.

My brother saw that I had been crying and told me that he’d make it through and he’d return and cheer for me whenever I competed, even if it was just a local competition. He’d be back, he promised. Joshua and Mark were just looking at me and Petra and eyeing us suspiciously. They was wondering why we were breaking down already when my brother still had like a week to spend with us, at least that’s what I thought they were wondering. But they didn’t know, so they would just believe what they knew, which was that my brother was going to war.

We started walking home earlier than the usual, because Ian had to go. It was almost midnight. If he wanted to make it to the flight on time, he had to leave at midnight. Mark split ways with us earlier and said goodbye to Ian like he normally would, as if he’d see him the next day, but Ian’s reply had a certain emphasis on the word. He was trying to tell Mark that they wouldn’t see each other for a while, but Mark was too tired and didn’t get the message.

Petra didn’t want to let go of my brother yet. They had their arms wrapped tightly around each other as he stood with her on her doorstep. He whispered something me and Josh couldn’t hear in her ear and we saw a faint hint of a smile form on her tear-streaked face. She put her hand to his cheek and stared into his eyes for a while, and then she leaned in for a kiss. After that, she went into her house and Ian walked away with us looking back to see her watching us through the window with her hand on the glass window.

Joshua was feeling suspicious, I could tell from the way his eyebrows furrowed, but he didn’t ask Ian about it. I knew he’d confront me sooner or later. We arrived at our house and Ian said goodbye to Josh. I think Josh could tell from the way Ian said it that he’d not be seeing Ian for some time and didn’t need an explanation. He just replied “See you and good luck.” He had a feeling of what was happening. Then he walked away in direction to his own house.

We were in the backyard about to climb the rope, when Ian said “Before we go in, let’s say goodbye here. I don’t want mom and dad to hear.” I nodded. The thing was: none of us knew how to say goodbye.

“How about we don’t say goodbye?” I asked. I felt like goodbye was too harsh and distant - almost final. If I said goodbye, it felt like I wouldn’t see him again and I didn’t want that to happen. “What if we just say: see you?” I suggested. He seemed to like the idea, but still didn’t want to speak. He couldn’t believe that it was finally time for him to leave and neither could I. The time he had just wasn’t enough, but seconds were ticking and the clock was about to hit midnight.

“See you,” he said trying to sound strong. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and it hit me: he was actually leaving, not coming back for months and months. And tears started leaving my eyes once again, crashing slowly onto his grey shirt. “I mean it, I’ll still see you,” he assured me.

“See you,” I was having trouble speaking because my voice was coming out in choked breaths. Then he said he had to hurry. So we climbed the rope and I went to my room and he went to his. I kept my ear to my door to see if I could hear some ruckus coming from his room. But he was trying his best to avoid noise, so I couldn’t hear much. I gave up and walked to the artificial window.

I looked down to see if I could catch a glimpse of him leaving. I was feeling sleepy, because of the lack of sleep I had had the whole week. I would have to face my parents’ reaction the next morning. I would have to confront the empty space Ian would leave as well. It wouldn’t be a good morning. Suddenly, I saw a shadow lurking in the streets. He turned around and looked at me in the window and I waved. He didn’t wave back, just gave an assuring nod and then walked away. I swore I could see a shiny trail running down his cheek. And then he was gone.

I went into bed and tried my best to stay strong. I would have to stay strong in front of my parents. They couldn’t know about his exile. I’d have to lie. I feel asleep easier than I expected, but that was because I was too sleepy to allow all the emotions I was feeling to sink in. The next morning, I woke up to my parents fighting and a voice of a stranger explaining to my parents the possibility of my brother running away into exile. What they didn’t know yet was that it wasn’t a possibility. It was a fact.

Going downstairs, I don’t know if it was my hearing becoming more acute, or if my parents’ yelling was getting louder. I could only see my mom with her face red and covered in tears, mostly because of my dad’s yelling and my dad yelling at a man who was representing the army. My mom was holding into a family photograph that was framed. One of the few real and not holographic photos we had. It was quite old but we were all smiling in it. I was still young when we took it, back in a different time, before it all changed. I was probably just three. She was holding onto it as if it were the only hope she had left that her son hadn’t abandoned her.

“I’m sorry, but everything points to exile. The police haven’t seen him, but a person from a supermarket a couple of miles away informed us that he saw him when he went in to buy some coffee,” the man had finished talking into the little invisible speaker he had near his mouth and I could see earphones placed tightly in his ears. My dad was contacting authorities.

At first, his reaction was just being polite and apologizing to the man before walking him out of the house. When the door shut close, his fury was too strong to contain: he started screaming at anything that was in his way. He screamed at my mom for not being more attentive of her son; he screamed at me for not knowing; and he screamed to no one in particular how it was his fault for being too liberal on his son. My mom just held onto the family photograph tightly.

“Give me that,” my dad said when he noticed what my mom was holding. My mom showed some resistance, but my dad tore it away from her arms and looked at it. “This doesn’t look like us. This isn’t us.” He was still boiling with fury: his face was red and his eyebrows were furrowed and his forehead creased. His stare was cold and menacing at that moment. He looked at the picture and looked closely at my brother, his little face smiling back at him. He covered it with his thumb and closed his eyes.

“This isn’t us,” he repeated, making sure he got his point across. Then he threw the photograph at the floor and I heard glass breaking. He looked at it, then at my mom who was shocked. He didn’t even say another word, before upstairs into his room. That was the first time I didn’t say “Good morning.”