Wish You Were Here

Starbucks was the only obvious place to go, it was the only place I knew I could go other than back at Tre’s and I didn’t want to go back there. Not yet anyway.

I ordered myself a coffee and sat right at the back of the coffee shop, right in a booth out of the way with my thoughts. There was another couple in there, sitting at a smaller table at the front of the shop holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes.

Sighing I stirred up my coffee. So Tre now knew that I couldn’t have children but there was more to it than that, I wanted to build up the information slowly so that he could understand the situation, not just blurt it out, harshly like Billie had done. Billie hadn’t meant it I was sure and I was stupid telling Adrienne to keep it a secret from him, of course she’d tell him.

I couldn’t have children but hadn’t quite come to terms with it yet. Clive had let me down afterwards but that was another story and I really didn’t want to think about Clive, I had to think about the future. Who would want me? Most people would want children in their lives. I still did. When I met someone was I to bring it up on the first date? Oh, by the way, I can’t have kids. Is that the way it would work? Or do I let them fall in love with me and then dish them the final blow that they wouldn’t be a daddy, well not with me anyway.

“I knew you’d come here,” said Mike’s voice. He was standing above me, looking taller than ever because of the way I was slouched over.

“Where else would I go?” I said to him. “We always ended up here after the Gilman remember? When all the bars were shut and we still just didn’t want to quite go home,” I said.

“I remember, those good old days,” he said sitting in the booth opposite me with his huge carton of coffee that he’d got from the counter. I was so wrapped up in myself that I hadn’t even seen him come in.

“I’m sorry,” said Mike, obviously not knowing what to say, what could anyone say?

“Its fine, I’m sorry you had to find out that way, its hard…hard for me to mention I just didn’t want to blurt it out like that, there’s more to it, its not as simple as just telling everyone, may be it will become easier in time to tell people. Clive let me down. I trusted him and…” I could feel the tears welling up, a burning sensation in the back of my throat trying to fight the tears. I didn’t want to cry because that made me feel weak and I didn’t want to feel weak.

“You want to talk about it now?” said Mike looking at me. I loved Mike so much he was a good decent man and I wished for him lots of happiness that he deserved. He was talented and had gone through lots of shit as a kid and he’d earned his success.

”Not now, I’m not in the frame of mind. Soon though Mike, I think I need to really tell Tre, he obviously has this yearning to know.” I said taking a sip but the coffee burnt my lips.

“Here,” he said handing me a napkin. “You know Tre deserved that punch from Billie. He’s going to have a marvellous bruise in the morning just to remind him what a fucking idiot he was to you.”

“Was he though?” I said as I blinked, a lone tear trailing down my cheek. “After all, if I’d just of told him about it all as soon as I got back, it wouldn’t have come to this.”

“Oh come on, you’re kidding right. You can’t blame yourself. Tre has been acting like a shit since…well I can’t remember but, he has these weird mood swings, one minute he is on a high, pulling women and the next he’s acting like an idiot. We’ve all noticed it.”

“Yeah Adrienne said something along those lines. What’s wrong with him?” I said looking over at him.

“Who knows?” Said Mike.

“Well may be one of us should have taken the time to find out,” I said. “We are his friends after all, what if there is something huge bothering him.” I felt worried now. May be Tre was worried about something and couldn’t tell us.

“There you go again, taking the blame for Tre’s behaviour as usual,” said Mike shaking his head in slight annoyance.

“What?” I said.

”You always did it, whatever Tre did you twisted it round somehow that it was something you did or didn’t do, always your fault. Well Jules, its Tre’s fault, most of the time it always is. Listen, it’s getting late, you want me to walk you back to Tre’s?”

“No. I don’t want to go back there, I shouldn’t even have gone back there in the first place. Can I stay at yours?” I said.

“You’ll always be welcome,” said Mike and he stood up and helped me out of the booth, I could feel his hand on my shoulder as he ushered me out of the coffee shop. I slipped my arm comfortably through his as we walked off to his place and I remembered ever so slightly that night we went back to his place before but as soon as it came the memory faded, I shouldn’t be thinking of that right now.

--

Tre was sitting on a chair at the garden table looking stunned. His jaw had come up, it was bright red and Adrienne guessed he’d have a huge bruise there come the morning. She was shocked at Billie for doing that, he’d never hit his friends before but Tre had kind of deserved it the way he had been goading Jules. Then she blamed herself for it because if she hadn’t told Billie, kept Jules’ secret to herself then none of this would have happened.

“I can’t quite believe it,” said Tre looking straight ahead, his eyes slightly glazed over.

”What can’t you believe Tre? That Billie hit you?” said Adrienne coming to sit next to him. Mike had gone after Jules and that was a good thing, Billie had disappeared and she’d decided that was a good thing too, he needed to calm down.

”That Jules can’t have children,” he said. “I can’t believe it Adie, she loves children, I always wanted to be an Uncle to her kids like she’s an Auntie to mine, to be their godfather, hold them, just be there for her. She always said she wanted a boy and a girl, she even had names, back when she was a kid and she looked after those Hamilton twins she always said she wanted a little boy first, then a girl and she was going to call them…shit, I can’t remember what she was going to call them. She’d be a great mother, she should have been a great mother. Fucking hell Adie, this isn’t right,” said Tre then he looked at Adie and put his head in his hands and cried.

Adrienne felt awkward, she hadn’t expected this. She went over and knelt beside Tre as he sobbed quietly.

“How come, how come Adie? What happened?” said Tre.

“I think you really need to speak to Jules about this, there is more to it Tre and she’s the one you need to speak to,” said Adi gently stroking his back. She sort of felt for him having to find this out about his friend. She knew he cared deeply for Jules, they all did and when she found out she’d found it so sad and devastating. Life wasn’t fair.

Jules would have made a great mum, they all knew that.

“I don’t want to go home, I can’t face her,” said Tre looking up at Adrienne, he looked awful and Adrienne couldn’t help but feel a little bit sorry for him.

“Its OK, you can stay here, but you need to sort this with Billie too.”

“I’ve been a fucking idiot,” said Tre.

“Yeah, you have,” said Adrienne. She helped him stand up and they walked into the house together. Billie was at the kitchen table, his head in his hands so Adrienne went straight over to him and put her arms around him.

Tre just stood there feeling awkward.

“I’m sorry Bill,” Tre said.

Billie looked up then, tired looking and expressionless. “Its Jules you should be apologising to, not me. You were awful to her, how could you treat her like that, she’s your best friend, you’ve known her for longer than us even and you speak to her like that.” Said Billie then shaking his head.

“Well…we always joke about things, I’ve always been able to say anything to her,” said Tre slumping down on the chair opposite Billie.

“But not like that and I couldn’t let you go on speaking to her like that.”

”You were right, I deserved a punch,” said Tre putting his hand up to his tender jaw.

“Yeah, you did and you’ll get another one if you don’t make amends with her.” Said Billie. “She’s been through a lot and you don’t know the half of it,” he said.

“I shall talk with her tomorrow,” said Tre.

“Mike called, she’s staying with him this evening, she didn’t want to go to your house, and you know I don’t blame her, you probably haven’t made her welcome. What’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting like a pig and an asshole for some time now, we’re touring soon, you’re going to have to stop, we need all our energies for the shows, not trying to bed young girls,” said Billie his green eyes angry.

Tre looked ashamed and rightly so.

“I know I’ve been an idiot and I’ll talk to Jules tomorrow,” he said, “Adrienne said it would be alright if I stay here for the evening.” He said looking at his friend hopefully.

“That’s fine but this has to be sorted soon,” said Billie watching his friend head off out of the kitchen and upstairs to the spare bedroom.

“So Jules is at Mikes,” said Adrienne. “Do you think they…?”

“Who knows,” said Billie.

“Mike has always liked Jules and that night they shared…”

“Ssshhhh,” said Billie, “Tre doesn’t know and I’m not meant to know. Sometimes Adie it might be easier if you kept some things from me,” he said putting his hand out to touch his wife’s face.

--

“You have a visitor,” said Mike after knocking on the door. I felt dreadful and knew I must have looked it. I’d had a shower, my hair was up in a towel, turban style and I was wrapped in a fluffy white towel but my eyes were red and I had dark circles from where I hadn’t slept very well.

I knew who it was and I was right but before I could see his face I saw a huge bunch of white lilies coming through the door. My favourite flowers and just peeping over the top was a couple of bright blue eyes, Tre’s eyes.

I knew then how guilty he must be feeling because although Tre knew lilies were my favourite flower, he’d never bought me them, never went near them because he was highly allergic to them.

So I knew that after he’d made the effort with the lilies that I’d have to tell him everything.