Wish You Were Here

Over the next few days I’d packed up most of my stuff and had contacted my parents to inform them of my plans. They were pleased for me and wished me lots of luck; they wanted a postcard from each place that we visited. Of course I’d honour them that, I loved them dearly, such a simple thing to do for them and I’d call them more often, I’d neglected them, they were my parents, I only had one set of them, they’d been there for me throughout my life. It was the least I could do.

Tonight was going to be hair night, the night where I did all the guys hair, the eve before the tour began and we were all so excited.

I’d hardly seen Tre, he’d spent so much time with his children but then that was to be expected. Ramona wanted to meet up with us on tour but that was still in discussion, her mother was a busy woman and had her own photography business but I said to Tre last night that I didn’t mind accompanying her back and forth occasionally if she really wanted to come out. He seemed pleased at that. Frankito was another story. He was so young and he didn’t understand sometimes what his father did. Tre spoilt him too much and I’d often told him that he’d end up a little spoilt brat if he didn’t slow down but now, I’d give anything to spoil my own child whether they turned out to be a brat or not.

I had a couple of calls to make and then I was going to pamper myself. I was going to take a long, luxurious bath, wash my hair, do my nails and manicure my feet. Tre was out so I was going to just play the music up loud and enjoy myself with my own company just for today because tonight, all that would change, I’d be caught up in the tour and who knew when I’d be able to snatch a quiet five minutes. It could be months.

I loved my baths, just as much as I loved my bed, I could wallow for ages until the water grew stone cold and I grew crinkly. Something else Tre and I used to argue about. One time, when I was sharing an apartment with him before he got with Lisea we’d have time limits on our baths. We’d have an hour each during the evening because we took so long. We didn’t mind though, as long as we got our own bath ‘time’ and he didn’t leave his toenails lying on the side and I washed any shaved hairs away.

Those days. Those days where we hardly had much money and our good friends and fun, simple times meant so much. Now, we had money but we didn’t seem as happy as we used to be. Wasn’t life weird?

I was just about to step into the bath when I heard the doorbell. Damn. I didn’t want to answer it, I wanted to get into the bath and let the warm bubbly water envelope me and relax me. But the doorbell went again. I supposed I’d have to get it, who knew who it could be? It could be urgent after all.

Well it was Mike, his unmistakable tall figure visible through the glass door and he was quite honestly the last person I wanted to see. I had a towel wrapped around me and I pulled it closer as I turned the door handle.

“Oh Jules, sorry,” he said. I faint blush spread across his cheeks and I wished it hadn’t. For god sake, he’d seen me like this dozens of times over the years. What was there to blush about? I knew then he liked me, more than he’d ever done before and I didn’t want him to, I just wanted him to like me for what I was. Jules, his friend and that was all.

”Its OK, do you want to come in?” I asked hoping upon hope that he’d refuse.

“Nope, don’t worry, it looks like you’re trying to have some time to yourself before the tour. I just wanted a quick chat, that’s all but it can wait until this evening when you do my hair. Its nothing that can’t wait,” he said.

“If you’re sure,” I replied glad that he was going. I needed to be alone right now.

“I’m sure, see you this evening,” he said as he walked off down Tre’s driveway, turning a couple of times to wave as he went.

He’d made me feel uneasy and that was stupid, I wish I’d never slept with him all those years ago, it was like a little cloud hanging over me, you know, something you just wish you could turn the clock back and change. I also wished I hadn’t shared this fact with Adrienne, sometimes I wanted to bring it up with her and I often wondered if she ever thought about it and I desperately wondered if she’d ever told Billie. I was sure she hadn’t otherwise it would have been brought up by now, I was sure of it.

Billie and Adrienne were the first to knock on the door. It was early evening, I felt refreshed and quite glowing, and everything was packed and all ready for tomorrow. There were beers and wine chilling in the fridge; all the hair products were out on the kitchen table. I hadn’t seen Tre at all today, knowing it would be hard for him saying goodbye to his children, he knew I was doing all their hair this evening so I knew he’d come home for it but what time he’d come back I didn’t know.

Adrienne always watched while I did Billie’s hair, he hated having it done and she always encouraged him, told him to shut up whining and that it needed doing. While I was putting the dye onto Billie I noticed he was pretty quiet.

“You excited?” said Adrienne. I was concentrating on looking at Billie’s hair so didn’t look at her.

“Yes I am, I think this is finally what I need, it will be good to get away.”

“Yeah and to spend so much time with Jason again would be good huh?” Said Billie.

“Oh shut up will you for god’s sake, how much longer will that joke last, it died years ago,” I said working the dye into his hair. “I wish I’d never told you now that I fancied him all those years ago. Is nothing I say ever sacred?” I said and as soon as I mentioned it I thought about Mike and us sleeping together, the fact that Adrienne knew and wasn’t sure whether or not Billie knew. He must do, she tells him most things.

“Nope, nothing,” said Billie. I’d finished and as I walked over to the fridge, to get out a beer for Billie and the already opened bottle of wine for Adrienne and myself I knew what he had just said to me kind of confirmed it. He knew. He knew about Mike and I.

“Did Mike come round earlier? Thanks.” Said Adrienne as I gave her the wine.

“Yeah, he did,” I said sitting down at the table, “but he didn’t come in, I was just about to take a bath, he just said he’d see me tonight.”

“Oh right,” Said Adrienne then I caught a glance, such a quick glance that she gave to Billie.

Then the doorbell went and I just knew it would be Mike, it wouldn’t be anyone else, it wouldn’t be Tre because he’d have let himself in.

“I’ll get it,” said Adrienne and she’d already got herself off the kitchen chair and was out in the hall. I could hear them talking, Mike and her, I couldn’t her what they were saying though, they had kept their voices low.

“Hi,” said Mike coming into the room. Looking at me.

“Hi there, I’ll get you a beer or would you like some wine?” I said knowing that Mike never drank wine, so why I asked him I don’t know. It was as if I wanted it to be as if I didn’t really know him at all, well, not that well, not as though we’d slept together once.

“No, a beer’s fine,” said Mike joining Billie at the table.

I handed him the beer and I could feel his eyes on me but I didn’t want to look at him, this was stupid, he was great, he was lovely but I knew he wanted me and I didn’t want him. I felt awkward but knew that something would have to be said because I couldn’t be on tour with him and act like this around him.

I checked Billie’s hair and decided that it was time to wash the dye off so led him off to Tre’s downstairs bathroom.

“Jules can I ask you something,” Billie said as he leant over the bath.

“Sure,” I said testing the water out to make sure it was the right temperature.

“How do you feel about Mike?” He said. I couldn’t see his face and he couldn’t see mine.

“What do you mean?” I asked letting the water wash over his head.

“I think…I have this feeling Mike’s quite interested in…maybe…,”

“I don’t see Mike in that way.” I interrupted Billie then squirted shampoo onto his hair then rubbed it in quite vigorously, the sweet smell of the shampoo overpowering me.

“But you did once.” Said Billie and I knew he was probably grinning.

“So she told you,” I said, slightly disappointed in Adrienne but then how could I be disappointed in her, she’d shared something with her husband. But it wasn’t her secret to share, it was mine and the fewer people knew about it the better.

“Of course she did. She told me the very next day,” said Billie as I washed the shampoo off then added conditioner.

“Its something that happened ages ago, once. I didn’t regret it at the time because I was drunk but the next day I regretted it,” I said then rinsing his hair off I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, I wrapped his head in a towel and he stood up.

“But you’re different know, things have changed, since you came back Mike said to me…I shouldn’t be telling you this…his said he’s fond of you and would like to take things a little further.”

I turned away, tidied up the bathroom and couldn’t look at Billie.

“Its not going to happen is it Jules?” He said.

I shook my head, slightly ashamed of myself. I didn’t know why I was ashamed, I couldn’t work it out and I hadn’t really done anything wrong, may be I was ashamed because I knew Mike was a great guy, but he just…I didn’t see him in that way at all.

“Why?” Said Billie. God, the pressure, he was now asking me why I didn’t want to get with Mike.

“I don’t know…I like him just as friends.”

“You could do worse.” Said Billie. I knew I could but there wasn’t any spark between us, otherwise we’d have gotten together before, I was sure of it.

“I know but…I don’t know why, please leave it, I don’t know how to explain,” I said.

I wished all of a sudden that Tre was here because I’m sure if he was this talk of Mike wouldn’t be happening.

“He may ask you tonight about…getting together, please don’t hurt the guy,” said Billie.

”Of course I won’t,” I snapped at him, shocked that Billie could even think that I’d hurt Mike. “But he has to understand that I don’t want to be with him in that way.” I said. How come suddenly I was the bad guy because I didn’t want to get with Mike. It was as though the three of them had been planning this the way they were talking and laughing between them. I wondered then if Tre knew all about it or had they kept it from him too?

We chatted quite normally while I was putting Mike’s bleach on his head, talking about the tour and how much Adrienne had packed for Billie because Billie had only packed a couple of his favourite pairs of underpants as usual.

“Remember that time in Europe where you wore just one pair for a month?” said Mike.

“I remember that,” I said taking a gulp from my wine.

“Hey that’s not fair, I did wash them every night,” said Billie in defence. While Mike’s hair was taking I started on Billie’s hair, I’d definitely decided that he was going to have a short spiky cut, definitely.

“Not every night,” said Adrienne. We were all laughing loudly when I heard his key in the door. He was back, earlier than I even thought he would and I wondered what kind of mood he would be in, saying goodbye to your kids must be extremely hard but something I probably would never understand.

I was snipping away at Billie’s hair when he appeared in the doorway, everyone realised then how he must be feeling, they were probably feeling the very same, Mike having taken Estelle to her mothers on the way round here and Billie and Adrienne saying goodbye to their boys in the morning.

“Hey, you left any beers for me?” said Tre, fairly cheerfully as he went to his fridge.

He seemed OK, better than really I’d expected and wondered if he’d put on a brave face as so often was the case with him.

I finished bleaching Mike’s hair, knowing that it would be twenty minutes or so before it would take. Tre had topped up the wine glasses and we chatted easily, all four of us and it reminded me of the old times, Tre making us laugh about stories of past tours.

But I knew he was putting on a brave face, I could see right through him as I watched him interact with everyone, I could just tell he was upset about leaving his children, I could see it in his eyes because I kept looking at him, kept on getting drawn back to his face, I loved hearing his voice and I wondered then if he could see through me just as easily.

Could he see that my feelings had changed for him?