Wish You Were Here

The studio door was always heavy and I had trouble pushing it open, especially with all the bags I was holding but just as I was trying to push against it, the door opened and Mike was standing there. He’d obviously seen me struggling and came over to help me out.

“Here, let me take those, I’ll put them in the back room,” said Mike, “and I like the style, looks good on you,” he said nodding at my hair then he went off and walked in the direction of the back of the studio saying, “look who’s here guys.”

Then all the children came running, they were all there apart from Estelle as I remembered Mike saying that she wasn’t coming over until tomorrow.

“Aunt Jules,” they were saying, little Frankito hanging on to my leg and the others crowding round but a glance over to the right brought me eye contact with Ramona who hadn’t come over. She turned away from me; I knew that she was cross with me and I knew the reason, I hadn’t contacted her in a while and I didn’t blame her for being off with me.

”Hey Joey, you’re almost as tall as me,” I said to the jet-black haired boy who looked such a combination of both of his parents. I could never work out who he looked like most; one minute I thought it was Billie the next Adrienne. He was a beautiful boy and was so talented on the guitar but he was much shyer than his father and I doubted that he would ever be a lead singer in a band.

Joey laughed at the comment and Jakob was standing next to him, “and you young man are nearly as tall as your brother,” then I whispered, “and almost as tall as your Dad.”

“I heard that,” said a voice from nearby, Billie.

“She’s right though Dad, we’re going to be taller than you, we just know it.” said Joey

“Yeah OK, whatever,” said Billie who was wearing the blue striped t-shirt that he’d had for years and always seemed to wear down to the studios for some reason. I wondered if it was kind of a lucky t-shirt thing and never really got to ask him.

Then I felt a slight tugging at my jeans.

“Frankito,” I said bending down to his level. Now this boy was beautiful with huge brown eyes framed with the longest lashes I had ever seen on a child. He had wavy dark brown hair and he was just the sweetest kid.

I loved all these children and I knew they loved me because they’d told me often enough but glancing again at Ramona I felt there were some issues with her that needed to be addressed.

“Aunt Jules I have got two new front teeth,” said Frankito opening his mouth so I could take a look.

“So you have and what fine teeth they are,” I said tickling him in his ticklish spot under his armpits and loving the sound of his giggle.

He wriggled away from me then Billie came to kiss me on the cheek.

“I like the hair, nice colours,” said Billie. “I’m just about to go and get some coffees? Want one?” He said.

“I’d love one. Hey where’s Adrienne?” I asked him frowning because I was hoping that she’d be here.

“She’s at home doing some chores.” Said Billie heading closer to the door to go and get the coffees.

“I may go and see her this evening,” I said to him.

“Cool. She’d like that, she’s not doing anything and I don’t know what time I’m going to be out of here, she’ll love your company, it’ll be a bit like old times,” he said raising his eyebrows and turning to go.

Then Mike was back, I’d noticed him on the telephone over in the corner.

“I’ve just heard from Estelle, she’ll be here at 11am and I was going to take her to the diner for lunch as she loves it there and knows everyone and wondered if you’d join us. I told her that you were here and that was that, she wants to see you, apparently she’s had her ears pierced and wants to show you them.”

“That’s fine Mike of course I’ll have lunch with you.” It would be nice; I enjoyed Mike’s company and couldn’t wait to see Estelle again.

Tre was sitting at his drums, fiddling. I don’t know what he was fiddling at but he was fiddling and he was not looking over. There was no way I was going to go over to him at that moment, he knew I’d arrived, why couldn’t he just look up and wave or say ‘hi’ or something. What was wrong with him?

Then I looked back once again over at Ramona who was sitting in the seat, swinging her legs about, and purposely not looking at me.

The pair of them were so alike.

Two minutes later and Tre must have had second thoughts for he was over.

“Hey… I like your jeans,” said Tre looking me up and down. He always complimented me on the jeans I wore, always right back to when we were young he said ‘I like your jeans’ if ever I bought a new pair. Lots of things went unnoticed with Tre but with my jeans he always made a comment.

“Thanks,” I said feeling awkward around him suddenly and wondered why he kept having these mood swings.

“The hair looks good, better than the look you came back from Scotland with. Hey what you doing tonight?” Said Tre.

“I’m going over to visit Adrienne,” I said kind of apologetically. May be he wanted to spend some time, just the two of us. May be I was ready to sit with him and talk finally but still not ready to tell him about Clive.

“Good because I’ve got Stephanie coming over, I thought I’d cook for her.”

“Right, what time is she coming?” I said to him. So it was her he wanted to spend his time with after all, not me.

“Around 6pm.” He said fiddling with his drumsticks once more.

“I’ll make sure I’m out of your hair then and then you can have the place to yourselves,” I said to him wondering if they’d finish that pack of condoms and wondering how many were left in the pack now. God I wish I’d never found the box.

The songs they sung from their new album were awesome. So awesome I couldn’t describe the feeling and I knew that this was going to be huge for them.

“So… what do you think?” Said Mike coming over once more after they’d finished playing a couple of the songs.

“Incredible. I’ve never heard anything like it, you know what I feel about your stuff anyway,” I said. “It always sounds different to anything else.”

“That’s the plan,” said Billie, “something different, we like to hear that word ‘different’. Hey Adrienne has just phoned and asked if we want to have a pre-tour party on Saturday. It’s only a couple of days away but it gives her time to organise stuff.”

“Sounds good, I’m up for it,” said Mike.

“And me,” said Tre going past as he went off the men’s room.

I went across to Ramona and said hello to her and told her that I’d like to spend some time with her, just the two of us and for her to think of somewhere that she’d like to go then decided that I’d better head off home and get ready for my night at Adriennes. Yes to get ready and get out of the house before the lovely, perfect Stephanie arrived.

I decided I needed a quick visit to the toilet before I left and bumped into Tre as he was coming out.

“Hey,” I said to him. “Ramona isn’t very happy with me is she?”

”Are you surprised?” said Tre in an annoyed voice.

“What do you mean?” I said shocked at his tone.

“You ring her every week and then you move away and hardly contact her.”

“I know… it was difficult,” I said feeling ashamed suddenly. Why on earth was he making me feel this guilty?

“You’re her godmother for fuck sake, she adores you, what’s she meant to think?” He said, nastiness in his voice.

“I’m sorry.” I was, I was sorry and didn’t know how to explain, and he’d surprised me by being like this.

“Yeah well… she’s hurt and needs you to explain.” He said looking away. I hope he knew he was being unreasonable but I doubted it.

“I can’t explain.” I said and I couldn’t, not to his daughter, she was too young to explain all that to.

“You can explain to her, explain something anyway. What is it with you? You come back from Scotland and don’t tell me you’ve split up from Cliff the Dick, you keep it secret and now you’re not telling anyone the reason. Jules, we go back years, does our friendship mean nothing to you?”

But he didn’t wait for an answer, just stormed off back to the studios while I stood there dumbstruck from his words that had stung me. He may as well have slapped me around the face they hurt that much but I still needed time before I explained as it was still raw.

When I came out from the ladies room Tre and Ramona were saying their goodbyes.

“See you later dude,” I heard Mike and Billie say in unison.

“Bye Aunt Jules,” shouted over Ramona.

“Bye sweetheart, see you soon. Remember what I said, have a think about where we can go,” I said to her.

“I’ll…er…catch up with you later Jules,” said Tre kind of lifting his arm up to wave. I just nodded back. I was hurt, he’d upset me a little but I didn’t want to show it and I was disappointed in him about the way he was behaving. Couldn’t he see that I was hurting and not ready to tell him about Clive yet? Why couldn’t he just wait patiently? I was disappointed in him and I hope he knew it.

“Hey what have you done to Tre?” Said Mike after they’d gone

“He was pissed off at me because I didn’t tell him that I’d split up with Clive and now he’s pissed off with me because I won’t tell him the reason I’ve split up with Clive. I can’t do it yet Mike and I’m surprised at him for pressurising me. Its…” but I couldn’t finish and wish I’d never made the effort to come down to the studio. Everything had changed, everything seemed much more serious than when we were younger. It had been a bad idea.

“Hey… I don’t need an explanation from you,” said Mike putting his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t owe me an explanation and you don’t have to tell me your reasons if you don’t want to, it’s your business and Tre… well you know him.”

Well I thought I knew him but I was beginning to doubt him. He seemed different; he was a stubborn son of a bitch, always had been but this time, I couldn’t put my finger on it.

**

“I like,” said Adrienne as she opened the door to me and glared at my hair.

“Thanks, I desperately needed it.”

”And you’ll probably need this too,” she said handing me a glass of extremely cold white wine.

“You’re a mind reader,” I said entering the house, the glass of wine in my hand and feeling at home with Adrienne straight away.

“I did ask Sara to come over but she couldn’t make it, something about her brother has now arrived and she’s taken him out to dinner.”

“Hey… do you know anything about Sara’s chocolate chip ice cream guy?” I said following Adrienne into the living room.

“No. I didn’t really see that much of Sara while you were in Scotland. I think it all happened quite early on, right back to when you first went, the guy was married at the time although it seems it was a marriage of convenience or so that’s what Sara says, I think it makes her feel better if she throws that in the mix.”

“Did it last?” I asked Adrienne and settling down onto one of their beautiful sofas.

“I don’t think it lasted long at all, I got the impression it only went on for a week or so but you never know with Sara, she keeps things very close to her chest. She told me on the phone that you saw this Vincent guy that she works with.”

“Yes and Adi he’s bloody gorgeous, young though but…”

“He has the best ass around here, is that right?” she said sitting opposite me and throwing her legs up under her.

“That’s right, apparently everyone thinks that,” I said taking a huge gulp from my glass.

“Not me. My Billie has the best ass around here and he always will have.” She said forever obsessed with her Billie.

Suddenly a picture of Tre’s arse came back to me, the vision I had all those years ago when he was shagging Mrs Hamilton. I quickly shook it off.

So what are you going to do now?

“Well… Sara said I can have a job there but to be quite honest I don’t think I could work with her right now so I shall start looking for something else.” I said taking another sip of wine. I was determined not to get drunk but I kind of wanted to relax and forget about Tre, at home, busily preparing a marvellous meal for the lovely Stephanie.

“The guys need someone to travel with them you know. A stylist. Why don’t you do it?”

“No, I need to settle down, get place here and get myself organised.” I said although the idea did sound tempting but then my thoughts of Tre and his moodiness swept across my mind. Could I spend months on end travelling with him and his moods? No.

”It was just a thought, they’re in talks with people next week about stage gear and hair and all sorts of stuff. I’m going along to the meeting, I could put your name forward if you like.”

“Hmmmmm,” I said having second thoughts, it would be fun but then I thought of Tre and knew I didn’t want to spend that much time with him at the moment. “No I don’t think so,” I said. “I’ll come out and visit them though, of course I will which gets me to thinking I’ll go freelance. It pays better and I can be my own boss, save up and come and meet you guys. How long is this tour going to be for anyway?”

“About 18 months,” she said looking down and into her glass.

“What? That’s a hell of a long time,” I said. “Are they up to it at their age?” I said hoping to bring a smile to my old friend’s face but it didn’t seem to work, she was in her own world at that moment.

“Yep,it’s going to be long and I’m worried.” She said then sighed.

“Why Adrienne?”

"Because… it seems a long time for a marriage to work when both of us will be apart for 18 months so I’m going to be with him as often as I can and the kids can fly out to be with us in the holidays.”

“You’ll be fine Adi, you’re just worrying unnecessarily.”

“I don’t know, I think this is going to test us big time. Billie will be mixing with all sorts of people, beautiful women who will be attracted to him. It scares me Jules.” She said and she did look worried about this. She’d never worried about their other tours but the children were younger then and had them to cope with, now also we were all older and she knew that Tre was single and would probably be putting it about a bit and meeting women.

“Hey, you’re the only one he wants, everyone knows that, we’ve always known it from the first moment he saw you.”

“Yes but… anyway, it will be a testing time for us but at the same time I’m excited for him. I’d never stop him you know.”

”I know and he knows all this. Trust him Adi.” I said even though I knew she did.

“I do trust him, its… other people around him I don’t trust.”

She got up then and went to get the wine from the fridge, came back and topped the glasses up.

”So are you ready to tell me about Clive?” She said sitting back down and brushing her long black hair back out of the way.

“Yes, but nobody else knows Adi, I’ll tell everyone else when I’m ready.”

“Of course,” said Adrienne.

**

When Billie returned from the studio it was 10pm, late but not that late. Adrienne was in the kitchen. Billie was slightly pissed off with Tre as he’d left earlier to go and cook for that young thing he’d hooked up with so it was just him and Mike and now it meant they’d have to get up early tomorrow so that Tre could put his part on the section of the album that they were just finishing.

He could see Adrienne in the kitchen and she was putting some glasses away into a cupboard.

“Hey you,” he said going up behind her and wrapping his arms about her waist. “I thought Jules would still be here,” he said to her turning her to face him.

“No… she got … er upset so she decided to leave.” Whispered Adrienne.

“Adi have you been crying?” said Billie looking at his wife. “What is it sweetheart, are you OK?”

“I’m fine Billie its Jules, she told me why she split up from Clive and…its so sad Billie.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?” He said ushering his wife over to the table.

“I shouldn’t, she didn’t want me to tell anyone, she wants to tell everyone in her own time but… listen if I tell you, please don’t tell anyone, especially Tre.”

“Of course I wont say anything,” said Billie joining his wife at the kitchen table and taking her hands in his.

**

Watching Tre that very first night at the Gilman sent shivers up my spine. He was in his element and he fitted in just fine. They were great and I realised how good he was in this setting, much better than he was when he played in the woods and practiced. This was real. He was finally living his dream, he was in a band and he was awesome.

After the Sweet Children guys were back from their tour Tre and I headed to the Gilman most weekends. We always stayed with the guys in their house where they’d got a few rooms and we had such a great time, Tre and I always bedded down on the cushions on the living room floor, they were the best days I always thought, those very first days when we were young without much to care about apart from eating shit food, drinking shit beer, smoking and just lazing around listening to music and sleeping when we could.

This went on for a few months and then one night things changed slightly.

I met this guy, a guy from one of the other bands that played. He had this bleached blonde spiky hair, green eyes and played the drums. He played well but not as well as Tre but I’d never admit this to anyone, especially Tre. His name was Jon, he had attitude and all the girls liked him, including me.

Their band was called The Slugs and they always played right at the beginning of the evening to get the crowds in as they were popular. There was always a group of girls who stood at the front of the club right where the band played, Jon’s fans.

Tre caught me staring and I could feel him looking at me.

“Please don’t tell me you like Jon, he’s an asshole,” said Tre.

“How do you know?” I said turning to him.

”Just do,” he said, shrugging.

“He plays well,” I said knowing that this would get to Tre.

“Not bad,” said Tre who took out his own sticks from his back pocket.

“Whose up next? You guys or Sweet Children?” I asked.

“They are but did you know they’re changing their name soon?” He said.

“No, they haven’t mentioned it to me,” I said my eyes wandering back over to Jon again.

“Yeah, it’s a cool name,” said Tre. “Listen I have something to tell you Jules but it’s a secret, if I tell you, please don’t tell anyone it came from me,” he said right in my ear now as the music was very loud.

“Of course not, of course I won’t say anything, what is it Tre?” I said turning to him.

But just then Billie turned up by the side of us, waiting to go onto the stage.

“I’ll tell you later back at the house,” said Tre.

This left me wondering what the hell he had to tell me, I was sure it was something to do with Billie and Mike but I couldn’t be sure.

When The Slugs came off stage, Jon bumped into me accidentally but he caught me quite hard on the arm.

”Sorry are you OK?” he said to me quite concerned.

I started rubbing at my arm.

“Yeah, I’m fine but I shall probably have a great bruise on here that I can show off tomorrow,” I said but not meaning any harm at all.

”Listen, come backstage and I’ll put some ice on it for you and get you a drink,” he said.

“No, its OK, really,” I said to him.

“No, I ‘d like to,” said Jon.

I shrugged. “OK then, lead the way,” I said to him.

I turned to Tre who looked stony faced. “I’ll catch up with you later Tre,” I said to him then turned and followed Jon.

Jon was pretty cool and I could really see why the girls liked him. He made me take off my sweatshirt and held an ice block on my arm for a while. He got someone to go and get me a bottle of beer and I was quite enjoying the attention.

He asked me if I’d seen them play before and I’d told him yes, that I was here most weekends and I was friends with the guys in Sweet Children and also the guys in the Lookouts.

”Awesome bands,” he said. “The guy that plays drums in The Lookouts, he’s got something,” he said to me.

“Yeah, he’s my best friend, I’ve known him ages.” I said quite proud of the fact.

Someone interrupted us then and told Jon that they had to leave to go to a private party gig that they’d planned.

He just turned to me and said that he’d see me next time I came to the Gilman. I looked forward to it.

I couldn’t find Tre anywhere; he’d played his set but had disappeared. The place was clearing and I still couldn’t see him so went backstage, perhaps he’d snuck back there without me realising.

“Have you seen Tre?” I asked the guys when I’d got backstage.

“No, earlier on he was talking to a group of girls over by the stage. He’s a hit with the ladies isn’t he?” Billie said.

”Is he?” I asked, may be he was but I hadn’t really noticed.

“He’s probably gone back with one of them,” said Mike.

“What?” I said, “Gone back where?” I said.

“Probably to there’s, looks like Tre’s got lucky,” said Mike then chuckling. “I’m not waiting around for him, are you Billie?” he said looking over at his old friend.

“Nah… he knows where we live he can turn up whenever he wants, he knows that,” he said as he started carrying out some of their equipment to the van parked out the back.

Tre would be back soon before we left I was sure of it. But he wasn’t. He didn’t turn up before we’d cleared away and they were locking up the Gilman. We all drove back to the house, emptied out the gear and sat around having a few beers. It was 2am and still no sign of Tre when the guys started to stretch and yawn. It was time for bed.

Mike brought through some pillows and the quilt for me and I took off my jeans and got under the quilt wondering where Tre was and what it was that he wanted to tell me earlier on. I was dying to know.

Looking across to his side of the quilt where he usually lay I felt lonely. There were no comments about snoring or farting coming from him because he wasn’t there and I could only guess where he was.

With some girl.

**

That’s how I felt right now laying in this bed, all alone once more. This bed that was in Tre’s house, Tre who had the screaming mood on with me and was probably down the hallway curled up with Stephanie in his arms.

Earlier I’d poured my heart out to Adrienne who was shocked at the reason, shocked and disgusted at Clive. She couldn’t believe it and it had upset her too. I had to leave quite soon after, we hugged and she called me a taxi, which came quickly, and I got into it and drove off back to Tres.

I could have done with a hug right at that moment, just a friendly hug, a hug like Tre used to give out sometimes when I was down or sad but he was probably hugging the pretty young one I thought.

I’d never felt so lonely.