You're the Reason I Can't Control Myself

I was bouncing down the hall swinging my microphone as I went, sort of doing a strange hopping thing as I went, laughing rather manically.

“Will you watch what you’re doing with that thing?” A rather snappy runner, well, snapped at me as he went past with a box labelled ‘30STM’.

I swung the mic even more and span around, clutching Gavin tightly by the shoulders and practically screaming in his face.

“That’s their box! Their box, Gavin!” I squealed like a hyperactive teenager.

His eyes widened and he filched. “Mind that mic, Sean,” he told me, watching it warily as it landed by my knee, the cable pressed between my palm and his shoulder. “It’s just a box…”

“I know! But its 30 Seconds To Mars’ box!”

I’d been like this for weeks. Anything that involved them made me scream and brain fizz with happiness. Ever since we met the band at Give It A Name earlier in the year I had this strange obsession, almost, I wasn’t going to stalk them or anything, I just loved their music and they are amazing guys. They were a big band, not a little baby band like me and the boys, we were just starting out, our name was just being made, they’d been there done that got the t-shirt and come back for more. I suppose it was like they inspired me, amazed me, it’s hard to explain.

We, The Blackout, had been asked to go on tour with them for a few months around America and the like. As a band we’d only done a few little shows in America and it had been etched in my memory ever since, sure, I’d never ever pick it over a little Barfly gig in Cardiff because that was what made us, but it was a nice change. And to be on tour with one of the best bands I knew only made it all the better.

I just wish I’d picked up the phone. At the time I’d been spinning Matthew on a chair to see how much he could take before he cried out for me to stop and told Rhys to get it. Oooh, his little face was a picture when he heard who it was. He nearly dropped the phone, I nearly dropped Matthew and Matthew nearly dropped his stomach as he lurched to the floor and clutched his dizzy head.

I finally released Gavin and we carried on lugging our stuff down the hall. We were holed up in a hotel that was joined to a venue in New York, a nice place to start, and were just moving our stuff in for a few days. There wasn’t actually a show until a few days but we’d come down early because it was a long way to travel and thought we’d get the feel of the place. The hotel was handy too.

30 Seconds To Mars had arrived an hour or so before us but as Jay, my brother and our driver, pulled up in the car park of the venue we saw runners and what I think was Tomo unloading some boxes. After checking in and such we were just doing the same, taking out crap into the backstage bit. This was a massive venue, much bigger than we were used to; the capacity was a good 15 or so thousand. Just a bit daunting.

Gavin, Rhys and I dropped our stuff off in the family room we were sharing and decided to get Matt, Bob and Snoz who were in another one next to us and ask where the band was. A much nicer runner than before pointed down the hall and I actually ran off towards it. Stopping in front of it I pushed my nerves down into the pit of my tummy and knocked on the door, shaking as I did it.

“Gimme a sec!” I heard a loud American voice call. “One second. One second. One second.”

Bob nudged me backwards a bit as my nose was practically pressed against the wood of the door simply for something to do as excitement zipped through me
The door opened and Shannon Leto, the drummer, stepped back to let us in.

“Hey boys! Wow! You look good, I thought you hated planes?” Shannon said, grabbing me into a hug before I could even say ‘hi’ back to him.

“I…I do. You remembered that?” I asked, surprised he even remembered who the fuck I was.

“Why wouldn’t I? I wouldn’t want you being ill,” He smiled. Shannon proceeded to greet everyone else as I looked around the room.

It was the same as ours, weird that being the same hotel and shit, only a bit messier and more lived in. A guitar lay on the bed, a string snapped on the bottom, which indicated a guitarist was in the room. Tomo…or Jared?
As much as I like Tomo my whole being begged for it to be Jared. Something about him made me feel jittery. Maybe it was because he was so famous…he was in a successful band, he’s in films for Christ sake, thousands of people idolise him…I don’t see why I can’t be any different.

“You guys don’t have your own rooms?” Bob asked, indicating the guitar.

Shannon looked around at it as if it was an alien object and laughed. “Oh, no, that’s Jared’s. We share a lot. He’s scared of the dark.”

I made the weirdest noise known to man, a sort of high pitched comical cough mixed with a strangled chuckle. Rhys’ eyebrows lifted and he giggled at me, everyone else just sort of stared. “Really?!” My voice managed to choke out.

I found it hard to believe that someone so notoriously famous and who had conquered the music and film worlds was scared of the dark and sleeping alone. Which was probably why it wasn’t.

“No. I was…joking,” Shannon said, laughing away his confusion.

Great one, Sean. You’ve barely been here a minute and you’ve already made a tit of yourself/

After a few minutes of talking about the forthcoming tour and what high hopes we all had for it, and of course exchange pleasant “how have you been” and other icebreakers, the door to the room opened. We all turned to stare as Jared freaking Leto walked in with a guitar string wrapped around his wrist. He looked about the room, looking a little scared of us and looked down at himself, then up again.

“What?” He asked. A great first word.

I forgot how much his voice made me tingle, how looking at him made my stomach bubble with excitement…it was insane. It was weird, believe me I know, I don’t really like feeling like this because I’m worried I look stupid, but I can’t exactly help it. A few of the band laughed and turned away, carrying on with the conversation but I’d be a bit out of it and was still stood by his guitar.

He smiled and threw a hello at Gavin who he shook hands with then wandered over to his guitar where I was standing. Remaining in my paralysed state I watched him come thread the new string though the little metal bar at the bottom and pull it though.

“Hi,” I finally said, it was really quick and garbled but I think he got it.

Jared looked up and me and grinned, his eyes locking with mine, oh god, here I go. His eyes sparkled a bit, his whole face just enchanted me but those eyes made me want to rip out my own and stamp on them. That’d be weird though, and I wouldn’t be able to look at anything if I did that. I have no idea if Jared knew about my little crush, but I’d always been a little star struck around him and he knew I’d said something in Kerrang about wanting his clothes off…but that wasn’t the point. Maybe he thought I was always like this.

“Oh, hey. How’ve you been?” He asked, his eyes glancing down to his guitar as he said it then looking up again.

“Good…you?”

“Good.” Oh, it was so awkward. “Can you put your finger here?” I put my finger where he had had his on the guitar string, holding it in place as he wrapped it around the tuning prong.
“Thanks, Sean.”

I felt myself go a little bit red, turning away I started to play with my fringe and bite my lip, a nervous habit.

He remembered my name.