Nervosa

I wonder why people have to be so cruel. This girl in my school, Kaitlyn, she's not exactly the skinniest kid on the block. She gets it so much worst than anyone I've ever seen. She gets picked on and teased, but yet, she somehow doesn't let it bother her. Well if she does, she hides it pretty damn well. I won't say that I haven't looked at her with my head at an angle wondering, how the hell do you let yourself get that bad. Only, I am the only person who regrets what they think once they look in the mirror. I'm not that far away from beating her on the scale. That's one thing I don't understand, how I can be so close to her in weight, but they don't tease me nearly as much as they do her. They tell me I need to eat, they tell her she needs to stop. They tell me I need to gain some pounds, they tell her she needs to drop some. I don't understand high school kids. Especially the skinny fucks that think everyone should be skinny.

Yeah, sure, call me a hypocrite. We all know I am. I despise skinny people who hate fat people. I hate skinny people who laugh at fat kids for their weight, but in my mind, I strive to be everything they are. I want nothing more than to be more than a skinny teenager. Instead of that, I'm a tall fat high school student that always gets stared at in the halls. I'm not saying that I want to be the most popular guy in school, fuck that, I want to be unnoticed. Life is so much easier without people constantly wanting you to make time for them. I want to be like Gerard. I mean Gerard has it so fucking easy. Hell, even when he's dressed in drag he's got it easier. He's not on the fat side so much anymore, he's amazing at art, and he's not as dumb as you'd think a reject in high school who now dresses in womens clothes would be. Except, I'm not Gerard, and I never will be. Y'know how they say you have this one life to live, so live it well? Well I think I've completely thrown mine the hell away, because as far as I'm concerned, I don't want it.

Suicide was an option for me, around last year to be truthful. Several times if you want to go into details. I spent days thinking of the perfect times to do it, while everyone wasn't home, where, how. Only, when I got up to the plate to do it, I was too much of a pansy to do anything. Don't get me wrong, I did quite a bit of damage on myself. I became a hazard to my own body. Hell, I still am. Lift up my shirt! Take a look at the amount of times I've tried to play surgeon with myself. Look at the cuts beneath cuts, beneath other cuts at the amount of times my stomach has layed victim to the sharp edges I bring to it. The amount of blood that has pured from my wounds is unbearable, I sometimes wonder how someone could store that much liquid. Only, then, I look into the parallel world and realize that a fat person must have more room to store the coppery liquid. It amazes me how much I want myself to feel the pain it deserves, only when I think behind the lines of my own mind, I realize that I want those who make me do that to myself to suffer. Only, the person who makes me suffer is myself, so at times, I am lost in my own lies. I don't know anymore. Maybe offing myself should be something I look more into.

Most of you don't know how hurtful the things you say are. You actually think that the words you speak don't hurt those around you. Well, they do. Take a look at me for an example. Even though I wasn't called fat, or hurt like my brother was, it still got to me. I didn't want to be that way, and I don't. To think that if Gerard was never picked on for being a little over weight, I wouldn't be as fucked up in the head as I am. Let's face it, I might be just as normal as the rest of the fucks in this world, but instead I spend my days blaring music into my head for the voices to stop. Either that or I spend my days hunched over my bathroom sink heaving in pain as cramps shock me inside of my stomach craving for any sign of food to fall through the opening in my throat. I don't know what the world wants of me, and I suspect I won't ever know, but maybe if the world weren't so cruel, I wouldn't have turned out as bad as I did. Maybe if weight, sexual orientation, or just stupid little reasons to hate someone for weren't such a big issue, the world wouldn't be as bad off as it is today. Maybe I'm not the only one this fucked up in the head, but I seem to be the only one I know.