Nervosa

As my eyes began to shut, I promised myself I wouldn't fall asleep. I told myself a million times that I wouldn't slip into a coma of sleep. Only, it didn't take long for my world to go black as I fell asleep. The dreams that started out in the beginning, began to drift further into the nightmares that I've seen oh so many times, yet they still made me wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I didn't understand why a person like me couldn't escape the world for just eight hours a day in the middle of the night. Why did the world I entered when I slipped away from reality have to be the same from when my eyes opened? Nothing ever changed when my eyes closed. I hated knowing normal people could fall asleep with the imagery of their lovers arms wrapped around them, or the idealistic world where whatever they wanted just came to them. I guess the only bad thing about that is that when you wake up, it's all over. Only...at night, they could slip right back into it; right back where they left off. I on the other hand, I sleep in the nightmared visions that make my body sling up in the middle of the night, tears streaking my eyes, and sweat lining my forehead. I don't know if I'll ever understand half of the shit that happens, but maybe one day I won't half to. Oh who the hell am I kidding?None of this will ever stop. No one is ever going to be the person who can save me from myself. No One. Even if I were to let someone in, why would they try? Who would take the time out of their life to save me from something I deserve? Whenever that happens, it'll be one cold ass day in hell.

I could feel as the dark sky began to turn blue. I knew within the next hour my alarm would be going off, and if I didn't get up, the woman who birthed me would wake me up. I could feel the burn in my stomach as the gash currently cut into it stung. I could feel my shirt stick to my body, the blood acting as glue upon it. I knew that even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to make it to school. I doubt I'd be able to even get my ass out of bed today. I could feel time creeping up on me, a lump forming in my throat as I thought of good excuses to get out of going to school. With each one I could hear an automatic "no" come from her. My eyes were still closed, although my my mind was already wide awake. I could feel the loud rings burst into the room within the next few minutes, the rings already giving me a headache as they repeated inside my head. Without thinking about it, I felt around for the cord, my lids still shut, and no sooner than I found it, the ring went off. I ignored it, and pulled the cord out of the socket. Even so, I could hear my mothers foot steps outside my door. "Michael? Wake up, Mikey." I ignored her for a moment or so until I heard the doorknob begin to be turned, her foot steps making soft sounds on the carpet as the room was other wise, soundless. "I-I'm not going today." I let out a groan as the slice in the middle of my stomach let out a shriek of pain through my stomach. "Why's that?" I could hear half caring curiosity in her voice. "I c-cant g-go." I heard her sigh before simply saying fine before leaving to get ready to leave herself. The next time she came in, I could smell her purfume and hear her high heels on the carpet. "Alright Mikey, I'm leaving. Call me if you need anything" She said as she walked to my bed, placing a hand on my shoulder and placing a kiss on my cheek. Gee used to laugh at me for that, he'd always find it oddly amusing that I was the "baby".

When she left, my dad left giving or taking a few minutes. I grabbed my watch that was in the drawer of the table that my clock sat on. Things like this happened a lot, I'd unplug the clock, and when I needed to know the time, I'd have to reset the clock all over again. I finally learned to put a watch in the drawer for the same reason. I read it say 7:35, the time I would usually be leaving for school. I began to pull myself up, trying to be as slow as I could so that I wouldn't risk anymore of a chance of making screaming pain shoot throughout my body than I already stood. I finally managed to pull myself up just enough to look out the window. I noticed a boy walking, a black book bag strapped around his back. For a minute something inside of me began to grow anxious, the thought of the person being Frank. When the realization hit me that I had been looking out the window for the past ten minutes waiting for Frank, I felt ashamed. Idiotic at that. Even so...I kept looking outside, hoping that I would see the short, black haired boy. You're a fucking idiot. Y'know that? "Shut the fuck up!" I yelled, pain coursing through my body as I moved too quickly as I reacted to the voice. You know he doesn't give a damn. Your just someone to talk to. He's the new kid, remember. Once he falls in line with all the other kids, you'll just be someone he denies talking to.I could feel small tears well up in my eyes, one on either side slipping. Fucking cry baby, I swear. You cry over everything!"Leave me alone!" I screamed as I ignored the pain and slipped away from my bed. I bit my lip as I walked out of my room, biting harder and harder until a tear formed and blood began to slowly fill my mouth. Fucking idiot. I ignored the voice, although the hatred for the voice still remained. I noticed the coffee maker had only a little left, from my guesstimate, I guessed about half a cup left. I walked over to it, grabbing a small cup as I lifted it up, and poured it in. I began to bring it up to my lips, and as soon as it came in contact with my skin I let out a shriek and dropped the cup. Oh my God! You can't even drink coffee right!Your the most pathetic thing I've ever seen!