We're All Mad Here

“Dammit! You! Get your fucking ass over here and help me find my goddamn drumsticks!”

How lovely. I had just wandered out of the forest, on a clearly marked path that I had apparently been following, but not seen, when my most favorite person in the world greeted me. Oh, the memories.

“Hey! Did you fucking hea-”

“Shut the hell up! I heard you, you…” I couldn’t find the perfect word to insult him with so instead I trailed off, stomping over to him. I opened the gate to enter the garden of what I presumed was his home, letting it slam against the fence. Andy did not seem amused.

“What the f-”

“I know, I know,” I rolled my eyes, walking by him. “Let me just help you and then you can get on your way, okay? I’ll leave you alone and find my own way home.”

“Maybe you should click your heels three times a-”

“That will work here?” I asked, excitedly trying it, since I had red heels on and it didn’t hurt to try. I got my answer when I opened my eyes and found myself in my living room. I cried out in relief, practically hugging the ground thankfully. That is, until Andy walked in.

“I can’t believe you fell for that,” He laughed, munching on a carrot. I glared up at him.

“You lied! How did I get in here? Why does your living room look like mine? And most importantly, why are not sharing your food!”

Andy smirked, probably because my stomach was growling and I was staring at his carrot like a ravenous wolf. He finished it in two bites and wiped his hands on his shirt, looking at his watch again soon after.

“Oh shit, where are my drumsticks?”

He walked around the room, throwing things around, all of them which seemed to be aiming at me. Remembering my previous encounter with thrown objects, I ducked behind the couch and watched.

“You never answered my questions!” I yelled, wondering if he could hear me. He didn’t seem to, so I repeated my question again, this time much louder.

“YOU NEVER ANS-”

“Oh, here they are,” Andy held up two chicken drumsticks in the air triumphantly. I stared at him, meanwhile he began studying them. My stomach grumbled even more. When he was done, he tossed them in the trash, and began moving things around again. I gaped at him.

“I am hungry, you know. You could have offered them to me, your guest.”

“You’re not a guest, you’re an intruder. Now, help me find my drumsticks,” he held a shiny pen up to the light streaming in through the window, and grinned, pocketing it happily before continuing his search.

I sighed and walked over to him, sifting through some papers. He stopped and glared at me. I did the same, adding the extra detail of crossing my ay arms. I half expected him to try to outdo my by snapping his fingers and wobbling his head. What a sight that would be.

“What are you doing?” he asked, annoyance heavily present in his voice. I shrugged.

“What does it look like? I’m helping you find your drumsticks.”

He pointed towards the stairs wordlessly, causing me to look over and then back at him, bored.

“Stairs, whoa! What a great invention. I am so glad you thought of that! How else would we get anywhere above one floor?”

Andy frowned at me, which, with his cute little rabbit ears, looked hilarious. I had to fight the grin that was threatening to cover my face in order to keep up our mini staring contest. He sighed pointed upstairs again, this time barking out an order.

“Go look upstairs! And stop being an idiot.”

“Ay ay Captain!” I saluted, my fake cheer disappearing as soon as I’d placed one step on the stairs. I didn’t intend on helping, instead I was just going to look around. When I reached the second floor, I saw that it wasn’t as quaint as below. Downstairs, all the rooms were quaint, although messy, each one looking like a store display, the ones that made you want to live there for the rest of your life. Up here, the only word to describe it was anarchy. Graffiti and posters littered the walls, making it a bit hard to figure out where the doors were. Even though it resembled a bad neighborhood, this landing lacked the smell and hobos, which was slightly depressing, since a hobo could have helped me figure out what the hell was going on. Or give me some leftovers he found.

I approached a door and tried to open it. Locked. I tried the one next to it and got the same result. I walked around the stairs, to where three more doors were. I tried two of them to no avail. It was déjà vu. I sighed and twisted the knob of the last one, surprised when it turned and opened into a room. I stepped inside and figured this was Andy’s lair. There was a messy bed pushed against the wall, comic books and action figures bordering it. A very impressive drum set was in a corner, a desk pushed against the wall next to it. The floor was strewn with clothes and more comic books and action figures. I smiled, figuring the fabled drumsticks would be by the drum set. Oh, how right I was.

“Score!” I celebrated, turning to run out downstairs. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a cookie, but not just any cookie. A sugar cookie with purple sprinkles. My favorite cookie and favorite color in one? I couldn’t resist.

“Andy won’t mind…” I reasoned out loud, as I picked it up and took a bite. It was the best cookies I had ever tasted, hands down. I finished it in three bites and then ran for the door. Unfortunately, I hadn’t taken into account that there were things all over the floor. I tripped on an action figure and fell hard onto another one. I heard a loud crash as the drumsticks flew out of my hand and broke the window, escaping into the wilderness. I removed the Wolverine figurine that was currently invading my personal space and sighed as my head hit the ceiling. What the fuck?

“Oh crap!” I yelled as I realized that I was growing at an alarming rate. I had become a mutant! I was in the middle of wondering if this meant I could marry Cyclops when a voice rang from outside.

“Hey thanks uh… girl! I’ll see you around!”

I managed to move one of my gigantic eyes to the window to see Andy taking off down the road, drumsticks in tow. Typical guy, not bothering to help. I heard the roof beginning to crack as I grew too big for the small vicinity I was in.

“Oh and clean up any mess you make! I don’t want my house to look like a fucking street corner!”

“Shut up you asshole!” I yelled back, slightly offended. He had just kind of insinuated that I was a whore… I think. Whatever, he’s still an asshole.

Now, I had to figure out how to get out of this room.