Thank You, Gravity

'You've fucked me enough enough.' His words keep ringing through my ears. Sometimes he makes it look okay for what I want, then he just goes and says no. He's helped make his life as fucked up as it is. I just left him in his room, not caring if he leaves and moves to where ever Kevin is.

But I couldn't let him leave. He's only been here for three days. I promised him I'd never leave him, maybe taking it a lot slower and not pushing him too far to talk to me; yeah, that might help keep him here. I slowly walk towards Nick's room, only to see one of his many duffel bags sitting near the door. He's really planning on leaving.

"Nick..." I call and slowly walk into the room. He looks like he's in the middle of packing, but he's looking through a shoebox. I walk over and sit next to him, they are our old photos of all of us. Everything in the pictures seems perfect, just how our family used to look like, the perfect family everyone wants but never gets.

"I, I'm moving in with Kevin. I didn't; talk to him yet, so it's not official but we can't... we can't live together. Not now at least." Nick says and puts down the pictures. I don't know what to do. He makes me want him, but then pushed me away.

"Come on Nick, I'm sorry. I will let you settle in and get used to this all. I promise I won't try anything, please don't leave." I made a promise I would never leave him, now I think he should do the same for me. "Just before you say anything, I promised you I wouldn't leave you. Do you really want to leave me?" I left him at that to think... I was just afraid to know what he would respond with.

"Joe, please, I've been thinking about it and I made my decision." He says solemnly, looking down at the bed. The next picture he comes to is the one of me and him - back when we first began our relationship, and he's kissing me playfully on the cheek as I'm holding up the camera, smiling and looking at him. Looking at that picture makes my heart want to break. It was the only one we ever took and I remember the day perfectly. I start thinking about how different things were then, when Nick and I were happy and the family was together and everything was just fine.

"You... you still have that picture?" Joe looks amazed, looking at the photo. he doesn't respond. I look at him with tears in my eyes. "Nicky, are you really going to leave?" I ask again, quietly. He just nods.

"Please, Nick!" I exclaim. "I wont try anything unless you want to, I won't make you talk about anything... I just want you to stay. We just lost Mom, I can't loose you now. I... I need you." I try everything, speaking from my heart.

He shuts the box lid slowly, keeping the picture in his hands though. "Joe, please don't cry." his voice wavers. "I'm, so sorry, Joe. I have to go."

"You don't have to!" I exclaim sadly, gripping his arm like a five year old. "You can stay here and I'll leave you alone! I'm so sorry, Nick. I'm so sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, or if I did anything that caused you to move. We don't even know where Kevin is, and what if he says no?"

After the funeral, Kevin had just disappeared without telling us where he was headed. The whole family was falling apart.

"I'll find somewhere else."

"You're not legal yet." I point out.

"I will be in a month. I'll stay with Kevin just until then if he says no."

"I... I guess if you really want to go... than I can't stop you," I sigh defeatedly, looking down at my knees. I'm not at all hiding the sadness in his voice, as I gets up. "But I'll miss you. You're really going?"

I look down at my feet for a second. "I don't know." he sighs. "I'm so confused." He leans on the box and put his head in his hands. I sit back down on the bed I'm a little hesitant to touch him before I put my arm over his shoulder.

"You... you just need some time to think," I say softly. "I won't make you stay, but I don't want you to leave me. But you can do whichever." I get up slowly and go to the door, glancing back before I leaves, leaving Nick to think it over.

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"I'm gonna..." Nick comes into the room about an hour after we talked. I don't want to think I'm pressuring him to stay. He's almost 18, he can choose to stay or not on his own.

"Don't tell me." I say I. don't know if he's going to go to nowhere-land with Kevin, or even if he wasn't able to find Kevin will move back with dad and Frankie. Praying he'd say that he was staying, I just give him a look that begged him not to tell me what his final decision is, but to just let it be.

I just need to away, I grab a jacket and start out the door, not even bothering to let Nick know I'm leaving, even if he will be still around whenever I get back. Just going where my feet were taking me, I just walk through the streets. The sun almost completely set and the is moon rising.

Deciding that I've walked enough I looked at my surroundings, I'm at the last place that I want to be. The cemetery where Mom is. I walk up to where she's buried, sit down on my knees and tears start to pour from my eyes.

She was what kept the family together. All of us know that nothing good will now come from her being gone. Lost in my own thoughts, a pair of hands place themselves onto my shoulder, I move them off thinking that they are Nick's. I want to be alone; but mostly I can't be near Nick right now.

"Joe..." The voice isn't Nick's. I slowly stand up and face my older brother. Nick had got to him... Nick is going to leave me. There is no other explanation to why Kevin could be here, he wouldn't come to see me. We have been getting even more distant as the days pass by.

"Why are you here?" I slowly ask, he should be back at my house. Taking Nick away and leaving me alone. Just like most of the people in our family were, alone. I just start to walk away, he isn't worth any of my time right now.

"Joe, come here. I'm not taking him away from you." Kevin yells and runs after me. He knows about Nick and I. He never approved of it but also wouldn't let anything happen to it. I start to turn and around, but it's all sinking in. I really have no one if Nick leaves me. Once again tears start to pour from my eyes. Kevin wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. Just standing there with him makes me feel better. I know that he would never hurt me by taking Nick from me.

We both slowly walk home in the darkness. Neither of us say a word the whole time we walk. The silence is enough for the both of us. There is still that one question that's at the back of my mind whole time; why did Kevin leave us after the funeral? I'm not going to ask him, but I want to know, where he went, who was he with... how was he handling all of this?

"Why?" I blurt out once we get to my apartment door. All the lights are off. It's surprisingly late, Nick ia probably sleeping, or gone. Praying for the first one, I look to Kevin for an answer.

"Why what? Why did I leave? Or why am I here?" he answers as we walks into the living room. Nick i lying on the couch asleep. Nick isn't going to leave, but then why was Kevin here?

"Why?"

"I left because Frankie and dad are in California. I'd feel dumb living with my dad and eleven year old brother. Then you two have each other. Who do I have here? No one, why should I of stayed? I'm only here because of Nick. He didn't want to leave you... but he did at the same time. Do you even talk to him anymore? Or do you just push yourself onto him? He needs time, and honestly the things he tells me doesn't sound like you are giving him time." Kevin disciplines me. He's now acting like dad. But... why would Nick tell all of this to Kevin and not me? It was my fault that Nick dragged Kevin here. I think that I am the problem.

"Fine, you know what, if he needs time, you take him. Leave me alone, I don't care take him to where ever you want!" I yell, suddenly furious.

I just stand up and run out of the apartment.