Once Upon A Time, Back In Highschool

“Ow!” I sobbed as Gerard began dragging me harshly across the ground , scratching my bare legs, “Get off me!” I cried, he grabbed the back of my dress and yanked me backwards so I fell solidly on the base of my spine, “Ow!” I screamed again, trying to curl into the dirt, “I need a fucking rest!” I sobbed.

“No, no you don’t,” he laughed, grabbing the back f my hair and yanking, “Fucking walk!” he yelled. I managed to drag myself up and he grabbed my chin forcefully, making me look at him, “Look at me!” he roared. I looked at him and sobbed.

“Let me go!” I cried.

“Listen up, Focus on me,” he hissed, he pressed his lips to mine and I screamed into his mouth trying to pull away, “You fucking focus,” he hissed, “You with me?” he asked, I nodded, trying to swallow my sobs, “Good, so listen up. You’re are gonna walk with me and you’re gonna climb that fucking tree and then your gonna fucking do what I say, you got that all?” he asked, “I said do you have that!”

I nodded quickly, trying to calm down as my stomach convulsed. I managed to keep my footing as we walked towards our house, the sound of Gerard humming Superstar by Sonic Youth.

“You like that song?” he asked, “I know you fucking like that song ‘cus you used to sing it when we showered together,” he said, “Now climb,” he ordered. I pushed my foot onto the vine and vaulted up, my mind going crazy with his constant out of tune humming.

I climbed up and up and up like he told me to, trying to keep my thoughts sane by concentrating on his stupid humming. I felt his hands underneath me, grabbing my thighs, holding me up, pushing me when I stopped. He grabbed my hips when we were balancing along the roof, then practically shoved me through the black bin liner so that I fell with a crumpled heap on the floor.

“Get up, come on. Don’t fuck me around. Get on the bed.”

That made me open my eyes. I looked around through my stinging eyes, trying to focus on what he was doing. There was a double bed in the middle of the room, dying rose petals scattered the duvet along with a bottle of champagne that was resting in a metal container full of water which had once been ice.

“You built a bed here?” I croaked as he hauled me up and shoved me onto the mattress. He nodded whilst going round switching all the fairy lights on, giving an eerie glow across the room, “Why?”

“Because, you said a while back that we’d never made love. It was always just sex and getting off quick. So I thought I’d do this and then we could make love and you’d be happy,” he muttered, “But that doesn’t matter now, it’s all in the goddamn past. I’m living for the fucking future,” he said, “And my future holds fuck all –so tonight. I’m going to do things my way, how want them done. Whether I want you to fucking sing cabaret or whether I want you too buy me a kangaroo, you are going to fucking do it,” he hissed, fiddling with the radio player and shoving in a disk.

Gerard walked over to the champagne and grabbed it, shoving me by the shoulder so I fell back against the pillow. I jumped as he popped it open, the cork landing with a soft thud to the floor.

“W-what do you want me to-“ I began, only to get interrupted by him

“I want you to shush,” he said lowly. He stayed silent as the C.D he had chosen rattled out through my crackling speakers, “You know this song?” he asked, staring directly at me.

“Yes,” I murmured, trying to move around even though my ankles and wrists were still bound together, “Mon Dieu by Edith Piaf, you played it when we went through your attic onto the roof,” I murmured, blinking to try and work out what he was getting at, “Why? What’re you getting at?”

“That was one of the best days of my life,” he murmured, sinking down onto the opposite side of the bed, “The snow, the mist, the music, the smell,” he smiled, his chest heaving as he closed his eyes, “You.”

“I don’t understand, what is it you’re doing? How come you’ve goddamn tied me and tried to gag me!” I cried, moving my shoulder blades to back up my statement, “My ankles really hurt, can’t you let me go?”

“Y’know what I’ve wanted since I met you?” he asked, once again ignoring me. I cried and fell sideways into the pillow, “I’ve wanted a piece of you. Sex was hopeless, sure it was good at the time… the intensity, the feeling of your skin against mine, the sounds you made, the way you said my name… boy, it drove me crazy. But I wanted more of you,” he said, pulling the bottle to his lips and swallowing.

“Gerard, this doesn’t make any sense to me! I don’t get whatever you’re talking about –you’re not making any sense, please just tell me what you want and stop ignoring me!” I cried, he opened his mouth, obviously about to completely blank me again, “Don’t ignore me!” I screamed, sobbing into my hair, getting the locks of hair in front of my face covered in spit, snot and tears.

“I had this fantasy. I wanted to fucking rip you apart. That’s all I wanted Doll, was to make you beg and you never did! Not once! I took your virginity and you just lay there!” he said, chuckling hysterically, “You fuckin’ just lay there and took my shit. I gotta tell you that did annoy me, why couldn’t you have screamed at least once?”

“I’m begging now! Please. Let. Me. Go,” I wailed breathlessly

“But I then I kinda realised after that it probably wasn’t that. I didn’t like seeing you cry, it made my stomach fucking hurt and my head ache. But then I came to the conclusion”

“Gerard, just stop!”

“A baby!” he suddenly laughed, “A fucking baby, a part of you I can have forever,” he shrugged.

“W-what are you talking about?” I sobbed, “You think you can just kidnap me and then saying you want to have a baby? Y-you can’t do this, it’s not fair! On anyone, not even yourself!”

“I’d be no good at being a dad. Can you imagine me? I can say that –hands down- if I had a kid, they’d be the one that got picked on because there faggy dad got it shoved up his ass. You wanna know the worst thing? I just let him do it, I just bent over like ‘Hey man, go on!’ It’s not even like I tried to stop him,” he laughed.

“You have to stop letting that one night rule your life!-“

“Shut up,” he muttered, “Just shut up and stop feeling sorry me!” he yelled, “I don’t need your sympathy, I’m the one in control,” he continued, “Me!”

I remembered what Mikey said ‘Gerard needs to some times. I know it sounds stupid but fucking the living daylights out of some slut makes him feel powerful. I don’t know why,” Mikey said. I nodded, “The last time he did it was a couple months back, when he stopped taking his pills. He used to do it all the time when he was in college. He told me he feels less masculine since… the babysitter incident,” Mikey murmured, picking at his nails.’

“You keep trying to dig into whatever emotions I have! I’m a guy!” he roared, “A big fucking masculine guy and I did not fucking enjoy getting banged up the ass, I didn’t!” he screamed, “I didn’t at all! Stop fucking looking at me like that, I didn’t goddamn enjoy it!” he roared, his spit spraying me face as he neared me, I coward away from him and squeezed my eyes closed.

“Gerard, you need to stop this, it doesn’t matter-“

“No, you’re right. It doesn’t matter. I’m a guy and you’re a girl. Now lay down and take it like you’re supposed to,” he spat, wrenching my arms back until my cheek was pressed painfully against the pillow, “I’m sure we can arrange this so I don’t have to un-tie you.”