Once Upon A Time, Back In Highschool

Three hours. He didn’t stop for three hours. Three hours of screaming myself hoarse. I stopped struggling after a while, there was no point to it, no one could hear. Everything ached and throbbed, my neck, my thighs, my hips, my stomach, my jaw, my ankles, my wrists. Each time I heard Gerard curse loudly and retract I had to keep telling myself he’d be too tired for another round.

Gerard fell back beside me panting, his broad chest showing through his unbuttoned shirt as he heaved. He laughed shakily, pushing his drenched hair back with his hand. I managed to roll away from him onto my side into a less humiliating position. I felt his arms encase me against his chest, pulling me in the mix of cigarettes, sweat and men’s deodorant.

“You always did like cuddles didn’t you Doll?” he murmured, his prickly cheek pushing against my forehead. The blade he had from earlier appeared from the bed side table and he drew it up my thigh, making me let out a whimper in protest, “I always did like this dress,” he sighed, slicing the material open until it by my hip, “Shame that,” he sighed, pushing the knife underneath his pillow, still keeping me captured under his arm, “When you were trying on those dresses I could see you through the crack in the door, sadly there were those goddamn security cameras. But it was –oh so sweet.”

I sobbed again into his chest, feeling suffocated and hot as he rested his arm on my neck and tangled his fingers in my hair, capturing me in some deranged hug. I lay there sniffling in defeat, crying harder when I thought about what he’d do when he’d recovered.

A low, rumbling snore emitted from him, I let my eyes roll upwards to see him asleep, his mouth parted a little. My breaths started working quicker as I slowly pried myself out of his grasp, closing my eyes fearfully when he moved.

“Don’t wake up,” I whispered to myself, “Please, please, please,” I whimpered, untangling myself from his body. I rolled over onto my side, shimmying cautiously to edge of the bed. I pushed both my feet down on the dark red rug and stood up, wobbling a little.

I stared at Gerard for a second, his trousers still down by his ankles, his shirt only half un-buttoned and his hair tousled over his face. I jumped lopsidedly over to the side table, my hair getting in my eyes as I headed for the knife. Sniffing, I picked up the blade in my right hand, kneeling down and beginning to hack at the ropes round my ankles, crying out silently every time, accidently slashed my skin. I heard Gerard grumble under his breath, throwing his hand carelessly over his thigh.

I tried to cut my wrist bounds off but I only managed to engrave hand awkwardly. I cried helplessly, clawing my way towards the ladder and putting my first foot on the wooden rung and resting my chin on the other, only just managing to just stay balanced. I got to the top and crawled out, using my collar bones to heave myself up and wobble along the roof, screaming when slipped and skidded down the roof on my side, my arm felt like the skin was ripping apart. I fell into the gutter piping, letting another terrified scream echo through the wood when the gutter collapsed and I tumbled to the floor.

“Oi!” Gerard suddenly yelled from up on the roof, “Don’t fucking do this to me!” He bellowed, running down the slope of the roof and skidding into the tree as I began to stumble away. Shaking, I took the easiest route, trying not to loose my balance because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back up. Gerard’s footsteps and yells thudded behind me, he occasionally swore when he tripped over or got caught up in hanging tree branches.

I worked harder when I spotted the bland patch of field ahead of me. I ran towards it, my mind and my concentration set on getting out in the open. I let out a shaky, manic laugh when I reached the edge of the forest, I was out. I charged onwards, my whole body quivering with relief when I saw a car.

Smack.

I fell to the floor, my jaw grinding against the muddy grass. Gerard breathed in my ear, his hands trembling with drowsiness. He heaved me up, his jagged breath cutting into my face. My quivers of relief turned to black, cold fear when he started to drag me by the hair across the field. Screams and squeals passed through my system as he hauled me up properly and slammed me against the cold metal of Mikey’s car.

“Get in, get in!” he yelled disdainfully. I heard a car horn and realised some one was driving towards us, “Please!” he yelled. When I didn’t move he clambered into the car and pulled me onto his lap, ignoring my lame attempts at trying to push him away. Gerard slammed the car door quickly, pulling my knees so they were tucked around his hips. He locked the door and pushed his seatbelt in place, pushing the cold metal in-between my knee and his thigh so he could get it in properly. His breathing started getting shaky as he shoved the back of my head down into his shoulder so he could see out through the wind shield/

“Gerard, let me go, let me go, let me go!” I sobbed when he revved the engine a few times, preparing it for take off. I lifted me head, in a terrified manner he looked up from his matted hair and pushed it back with his hand, “Let me go,” I whimpered, “Please.”

“No,” he swallowed, “Put a C.D on,” he ordered. Crying, I twisted around and picked up the first C.D I saw, “No. I don’t want that one, put on Sonic Youth,” he said, “Put the song on you used to sing in the shower with me, I like that one,” he murmured. I shakily found it and shoved it in, searching through the tracks until I found Superstar.

Gerard sighed and leant forward, putting the car into the right gear. A screech of Steve’s car’s wheels went forgotten, along with my cries of protest. Donna scrabbled out of Steve’s car, much to Mikey’s objection and she tried to run after us. Gerard pushed his foot on the pedal and we suddenly surged forward.

I sobbed into his shoulder when the metre jiggled over the 50 mark, plundering onto 60 at a death rate. Gerard took one hand off the wheel and tucked it neatly round my waist, his teeth gritting as he drove on. I felt his lips come in contact with my ear and he nuzzled into it, not listening to anything I was trying to tell him.

“Light me a cigarette and I’ll slow down,” he whispered, looking irritated with the shouts and calls from Mikey behind us. He drew his hips forward whilst turning up the music so it drowned out any other noise. I tried to get a cigarette quickly when he pushed a little harder on the pedal. I whimpered and propped the stick in his mouth, slapping my own hand to try and keep it steady.

Each time the flame flickered out on his dark purple lighter he pressed a little harder. I tried again, bringing it quickly to his lips. Luckily the end of cigarette started to glow and Gerard let the smoke billow out of the side of his mouth.

Gerard was murmuring under his breath, his singing out of tune and stout with the actual chorus. He turned the corner swiftly, squeezing my waist and kissing right under my ear again, still murmuring lightly.

“You said you’d slow down!” I screamed at him, “You promised!” I shook his shoulders but he ignored me, I looked around desperately, my eyes landing on the door, he hadn’t locked the doors. I reached over determinedly and flung it open, sobbing hysterically when I tried to struggled out of his clasp.

“You’re not going anywhere!” he yelled, a menacing laugh suddenly pouring copiously from his lips, “It’s too late! You’re too fucking late!” he screamed, his voice swinging out from the sound of his music, I managed to capture the last part, and that made me wriggle even more, “We’re going to end it together!” He yelled, “Our future looks like pure fucking bliss!” he screamed deltightedly

I turned my head and clung to Gerard’s shoulders, realising I wasn’t going to get out of this. The sun was rising, a purple mist settling over Jersey giving it a warm glow -like the small city was covered in treacle. He slammed his foot down, plunging on and on and on towards the lake. The chorus drowned out the sound of my screams and the sound of Gerard's strangled sobs which he kept emitting. I yelled at him to stop but everything just seemed to go unnoticed, his stereo over taking everything

His eyes suddenly widened and I looked out to see the white railing that lined the edge of the lake. Gerard slammed his foot on the brakes, his eyes filled with fear and anguish as he tried to stop his car, realising he didn’t want to die. He started scrabbling to un do his seat belt screaming about how he didn’t want to die, he didn’t mean it, he was just trying to scare himself but he didn't want to die.

It was too late the car would at least need another long stretch of road to consider beginning to slow down and Gerard knew this, he knew this better than anyone. He took his hands of the wheel and my waist, everything felt like it was going in slow motion as he shoved me firmly out of the car door.

My arm made a sickening crack as I hit the dew covered grass and my impulse was set. The music and the car skidded through the railings and off the edge of the cliff. I heaved myself up and stumbled towards the edge of the cliff, dropping to my knees and sobbing when the car plundered to it’s inevitable death, Gerard still inside. The music bubbled out with a crash of water and a scream.

I crawled over to the edge of the cliff and pulled myself up so I could see if Gerard was okay. The water rippled scornfully and I could see the faint silhouette of the car plunging downwards. I heard a high pitched scream behind me and Donna ran straight forwards screaming and sobbing whilst Steve held her back.

“He’s my baby! Let me go!” she screamed into Steve’s grey jacket. Mikey’s jaw fell shakily and he stumbled over beside me, his eyes filling with vulnerable tears. He began whimpering throatily, each one of his throat muscles vibrating against one and another.

I crawled over to Mikey, letting him collapse to the floor beside me, his foot slipping off the edge off the cliff. I grabbed his belt buckle and lugged him back, sobbing under my breath. I didn’t want Mikey to go off the cliff either. I fell to the floor again, closing my eyes against Mikey’s bony shoulder blade.

“Why the fuck did he go and do that?” Mikey howled into the grass, “Why didn’t he just goddamn realise I fucking need him,” He sobbed, his arms leaving his sides and flying around my waist copiously, “I can’t live without him,” he cried.

I hugged him back, suddenly feeling Donna beside us, I let Mikey go and he climbed onto her lap. I managed to stumble up, my arm throbbing and feeling like it was about to become ablaze of flames. My knee hurt as well, giving me a sufficient limp as I shuffled over to the edge of the cliff again, trying to peer through the over hangs. The water rippled calmly, oblivious to the man that was sinking into its watery cave.

All I could think of was his face when he realised he wasn’t going to be able to un-buckle himself. It was like in a supermarket, when you see a little kid sobbing because they can’t find there parents. I remember Gerard telling me that when he was five he went to this festival with his mum, he said he let go of her hand for so he could go get an ice cream.

“I could see the line of kids, so I though bug it, y’know? Mom knows where I’m going. I let go of her hand and ran towards it, then I realised I didn’t even have any money so I turned around and all I could see was legs, legs and shoes. I thought I was doomed, mom toldm e about kids getting snatched and I should stay by her side. I started crying and no one helped me, I called her name and everyone ignored me. I ended up pissing myself I was so scared and all these big kids came and laughed at me.”

It felt like when you’re watching a movie and it’s a really sad part. It just hits you right between the eyes. It felt like the first time you hear one of you’re family members die, you realise that it’s only a matter of time before it’s you next. It felt like when you’re parents start arguing down stairs, you can’t go downstairs to tell them to shut up, so you just sit there and cry, your stomach aching for them to stop yelling at each other.

It felt like some on had shot me in the stomach and everyone was just watching.

I suddenly felt an arm round my shoulders, for a spilt second I thought it was Gerard in his stupid pin striped jacket. I started crying when I realised it was Mikey, I think he thought I was trying to jump off the edge, I didn’t have the strength to tell him any different.