The Smoking Gun

Bert and I are what you'd call "friends with benefits." You see, I like Bert and Bert likes me but we're just a couple of pansies and in the end a pansy plus a pansy equals... well, you get the picture. I'm too shy to tell Bert that I love him in case I unintentionally scare him away because he ends up having a fear of commitment and it works the same way for Bert I suppose, I can't exactly put myself in his shoes since I can't get inside of his head. When I say that we're "friends with benefits," that's really just my way of saying that we fuck. I hate referring to making love as "fucking" because it makes me feel dirty when I think about it, but until Bert and I come clean with our feelings for one another, that's all it is... Fucking. Nothing more, nothing less but I wanted more, so much more. Brandon seemed to catch onto this tiny little fact and took things too far one night.

Bert and I had just gotten off of a long and arguous tour, we were exhausted but what's more, we were bored as all get out. Bert was hopping up and down and giggling like a little school girl in the living room of our spacious home. I tried everything I could to calm him down but he was like a rabbit on speed. Despite his hyper active personality, he still had a mysterious glow about him. That was one of the things that drew me to Bert in the first place. That and his smile, his smile could light up the world if the sun ever burned out, I swear that it could.

"Quinn, I'm bored! Please, let's just get out of this place and do something for once! We never go out anymore." He shot a pouty face in my direction and that was when I cracked.

I sighed and lazily rubbed my eyes with my caloused fingertips. "Fine then, Bert where do you suggest we go? I don't see the need in going out in the first place anyway, we just got back from a six month tour and you're all reved to go out on our first night off. I've got one word for you my friend and that word is 'sleep'.

Bert's face suddenly contorted in confusion as he gazed into my eyes. "Sleep? What is this 'sleep' you speak of?"

"Yes, sleep... You know, that thing that you can never seem to do? I swear to God that you're not human. Sometimes I wonder..."

Bert jumped up onto the couch and plucked a cushion up off of the floor. "Why Mr. Allman, whatever lead you to the conclusion that I Bert-McCracken-the-insanely-good-looking-and-perfect-singer-of-The-Used never sleeps? Oh I sleep, I just never sleep very long because I always seem to wake up in sticky situations."

I laughed to myself while reminising of old times, that was Bert alright. He was always one to tell it like it is, even back when we were kids. Speaking of kids and The Used, I'm sure you're wondering where Branden and Jepha have gone? Don't worry, they're still very much alive. In fact, they'll be joining us on our assignment for the evening.

"Bert!" I squealed in a rather feminin voice. Upon realizing what I had done I clasped a hand over my mouth and gasped.

"You're such a girl Quinn, I can't believe that I allow myself to be seen in public with you."

"Oh I know, how do you put up with me? I'm such a sight for sore eyes, the kid your Mother hates." I rolled my eyes and breathed deeply, attempting desperately to hold in the barrage of laughter that was about to be realeased at any given moment.

"Please, you're every Mother's wet dream. What would they say if they found out that Quinn Allman wasn't such a perfect pansy after all? They'd be crushed," Bert managed to get out through uneven breaths and shrieks of laughter. I use the word shrieks because that is really what they are, maybe cackles is a bit more suited for it but either way he had an extremely original laugh to say the least. His laugh was so high that it even put your five year old kid sisters' to shame.

Bert suddenly shot up from his seat on the couch and grinned a sly smile. "Let's go to a club!"

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed, "a club?"

"Yes, 'a club', you know those places people go to dance and have fun? To drink and pick up a potential one night stand? Where the party strings along way into the early morning hours and the pulse of the music can almost be felt within your veins. A club Quinn, a club."

I groaned, "I know what a club is you shithead, I just don't see the need for going to a club, is it really a necessity?"

"It most certainly God damned fucking is my friend, we're going to get drunk!" Bert flashed me a toothy smile. "Go get ready cupcake, we're goin' clubbing tonight!" With that he skipped off to his room and two seconds later the sound of running water echoed throughout the house.

Moaning to myself I got up and quietly sulked all the way to my room. "Just my idea of fun, being the designated driver and having to take care of an overly intoxicated Bert McCracken." I said to no one imparticular.