Fighting Trinity

“It’s me,” came Alex’s voice. I let out a sigh of relief. I wouldn’t have to go through this twice in one night.
“Why are you crying?” he asked, confused.
I couldn’t answer. The tears were burning a hole in my throat, and I was having a hard time breathing.
“I heard your music turn off. I got curious when it didn’t come back on.” When I didn’t answer, he climbed into bed with me, seeming to sense that I really needed him there right now. His presence had a calming effect. I knew I couldn’t completely calm down with him here, wanting to know what had happened. The tears began to slow. After a moment he began to sing.
“Check yes Trinity, are you listening?”
I nodded weakly. He skipped over the rest of the stanza to the chorus.
“Run baby run, don’t ever look back. He will tear us apart if you give them the chance.”
My heart froze. Had he guessed what happened? Then I figured he might just be singing it to calm me down. He knew how much I loved that song. But why had he put my name into it?
I was so confused. Alex laughed.
“I know you love that song. I figured it would calm you down. But now you look anxious,” he said, touching my cheek.
“It’s nothing,” I said.
“I know you better than that,” he replied. In the soft blue light cast by my i-home, I could only see a black silhouette. But I knew that he could see me. I concentrated on relaxing my facial muscles so that I could smile. Here, lying in the dark with Alex by my side, it wasn’t hard. He made it so easy to forget all your problems. That’s just the kind of person he was. It’s part of why he was so popular.
“Better now?” he asked.
“Yes,” I sighed. He draped his arm over my stomach and kissed the top of my head.
“I’m glad.”
“Me too.” There was silence for a moment, and I heard John’s soft snore from across the hall. Suddenly, the way that Alex was holding me was too intimate.
“Go to bed, Alex,” I whispered to him.
“I can stay here,” he offered.
“No, you’ll be more comfortable in your bed. Really, I’m fine now.”
“I’m comfortable,” he protested, but he got up. He stood in the doorway for a moment, illuminated by the i-home light. I fought a strange desire to call him back, to ask him to sleep beside me. His gold eyes glinted, and I forced myself to look away before I spoke to him. I locked my jaw tight and kept silent, and when I looked back he was gone. The door swung shut with a quiet click. I exhaled loudly. Though I had told him to go, I felt abandoned and lonely. I could have told him. I could have told him everything; being raped by John, and the irrational way I felt about Alex. But then I thought about his reaction. Anger at what happened with John, and surely he would reject my feelings. He didn’t think of me that way. My breath was stolen from me as I saw a vision of Alex, lying bleeding on the floor, John standing over him. Alex would never let John get away with this, and I knew John would go to any length to protect his secret. This was a picture I could never allow to come true.
Alex could not be allowed to know the truth here.
I could never trust anybody with this information. If my sanity was the price to pay for my family’s happiness, then so be it.
It was a price I was willing to pay.