The Hidden Truth

Pain, embarrassment, guilt. These are the feelings that pound me. My father radiates a feeling of evil and to be feared. His voice is loud, his words are harsh. He has frowned from the moment he laid eyes on the temple. He scowls at all Jedi, muttering insults to them under his breath. He is always near me, surrounding me, overpowering me, consuming me in his hate. My heart rate skyrockets as he and Master Mirmo meet. I want to run. I want to cry. I beg my father to not do anything. I am screamed at, being told to shut up. I stare at the floor, wishing I could die. I flinch as my father tears my master apart, dissecting his ways of teaching, calling him soft, spoiling me, and ruining me. Mirmo says nothing, making me feel worse. I hate my father. Even here, so far away, he has hunted me down, criticizing all that I love, all that makes me happy. I can not be him and can never satisfy him.

It took me a second to realize why there were wet, salty streams on my face. I remembered the dream, the nightmare and burst out into tears. I cried softy in the dark, wishing the pain would leave me alone forever. There seemed to be no end to the past. I had a craving to get on the internet and then I remembered the internet connect crashed after dinner, causing my master to become very depressed and moody for that night. I searched my mind for other options to escape from the pain and fear. I decided to grab my music player and head out for an empty room.

After some dancing with the pain, fear, and anger, I felt my master touch me with his mind. I turned my head away, closed my mind to him, and moved to a dark corner of the room. I leaned against the wall, staring at the door, knew my master would enter that door soon. A few minutes go by before I hear the slight creek of the door. Mirmo walked slowly up to me, but stops a few feet away, respectful of the space my sore heart needs. Both of us are silent for a while. I gave him fleeting glances, unsure of what I want to do, to run into his arms and cry, or to disappear in the wall.

“You dreamed of your father again?”

I gave him a short look of pain and continued my study of the floor.

“What happened?”

I wanted to remain silent, not to ever speak the truth, not to be reminded of the pain, but I knew I would be made to talk and best to get it over with. I told him that my father came to the Parent Days, a two day event where parents of the students were invited to come to the temple and spend time with their children. It was a way to deal with any homesickness of the children and to help the parents cope with the distance between them and their child. I told him how my father came to visit and didn’t approve of the school or my master.

“What did you father have to say about me?”

I gulped and blushed. I told him that my father said Mirmo was weakening, encouraging me to become irrational and far too emotional. The Force was a load of batha poop to him and I was wasting my time here.

“You know your father will not come here. You are safe here. Let go of him. Face him and focus on your training, and you will waste nothing.”

I shook my head and said I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face my father.

“Yes, you can. Close your eyes”
Panic set in. I couldn’t bare to envision my father. My breathing become shallow.

“Calm down. Take a deep breath and close your eyes”

Tears welled up in my eyes, my throat constricted. I trembled and sweated as I stood dead still. I couldn’t do this.

“Karen-“

NO! I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. I would lose if I looked at my father again. I would break and shatter into a million pieces. My master was wrong. He didn’t know what my father was capable of. I had to get out of here. I looked up, a wild look was in my eyes, my hair was drenched in my sweat. I started to run, but strong hands grabbed my arms, behind me.

“Karen, you can not run every time you think of your father”

I wiggled, twisted and tugged, grunted, strained to get out of his grip.

“I order you to stop stuggling apprentice!”

I refused to listen. I added more force to my movements, determined to get away if it was the last thing I did. He would not make me to do this. He started to force me to the ground, as to pin me. I lashed out with my foot, a move taught in class, and kicked him hard in the shin.

“I do not wish to harm you. I only want to help you”

It was too late for that. He was going against my will. One does not go against my will easily. I continued to fight him, forgetting what caused this in the first place. It was now who would win this fight.

“If you do not stop right now, I will be forced to stop you”

That fueled my anger and my need to fight harder. I tried to kick him again, aiming for his knee cap. He caught my foot, causing me to lose balance, fall flat on the floor. With one leg, he pinned my feet and with his left hand he pinned my upper back. His right hand was placed on my neck.

“Quiet”

My limbs went limp. I found I had no energy to move with. I could not fight back, but my spirit was still rearing and hyped.

“Shh. Go to sleep and dream no more”

I felt a blast of the Force, a strong will of peace and sleep came over me. My eyes closed and my mind became blank.

“Shh. Sleep my poor apprentice”

That was all I heard as I gave into the blackness of nothing.