The Hidden Truth

I stared at him, rudely and blankly, in utter shock. Every inch of me shrank away from that horrible, unthinkable idea. It was through mental self defense against insanity and complete lost of hope that I blocked the meaning of those words out. While I was certain he was wrong, I felt stiff and challenged. I stood up and demanded angrily how he could make such a bold, false statement.

“Simply.”

His short answer sparked up my anger even more. The fire relit in my eyes with my body trembling in fear and outrage. I told, no I commanded him, to give proof to back up this claim. His disgust for me had settled down to calm, all knowing, nearly sneering way.

“Fearful you always are. Much anger you have, like now.”

If it had not been for the two last words, I would have snapped at him. Those words stung to the heart, painfully and truthfully. I thickened my shield and rose my chin in defiance. I would not let him win this. I was a Jedi. I told him that much.

“Prove it.”

I eyed him for a couple of seconds, wondering what game he was playing. Undoubtedly, he did not think I could do so. I laughed inside at his ignorance. I told him I had been a Jedi since I was thirteen.

“Too old you were.”

I glared at him and said he was wrong. I could have never trained myself if I was any younger. I would have no been mature enough to stick to the training.

“But you did not stick to it much. Many times you tried to quit. Too much doubt.”

I flinged that away, saying it was a phase I went through. I told him, as a Jedi, I made sure I was there for my friends when they needed me, just like a Jedi was suppose to.

“But for your mother?”

Another stab to the heart. I recoiled, licked the wound, and came out again, this time more defensive. I told him my mom rejected all help. There was no point in offering.

“But you could-“

I interrupted him with I couldn’t.

“Would not.”

I stayed silent, staring at the floor, not willing to betray my emotions of shame and self hate to him. There was a moment of quiet before his steady, green eyes bore through me and forced me to look up at him again.

“With the Jedi, you are not.”

I visually winced at his statement, reminded of my dangerous and cowardly journey here. I immediately told him it was a complicated matter.

“No it’s not. They kicked you out?”

I swallowed and told him no. I left the Jedi. I ran.

“Then a Jedi you are not.”

Hot rage filled me. Of course I was a Jedi. What else could I be? I wanted to smack him for saying that. I screamed at him he didn’t understand. I couldn’t face them. I couldn’t face my master. My master saw me for my father. My master saw me being on the dark side. I was the dark side. I was being haunted by my past, unable to escape from it. I had failed at everything. The Jedi couldn’t have wanted me. I stood there, steaming at him, daring him to make a move so I would have a reason to punch him. Tears rolled down my checks.

“Then be part of the dark side.”

The way he said it, he might as well suggested that I should wear a blue shirt instead of a red shirt. To me, he suggested the impossible. I told him flat out no.

“Why not? If a Jedi you are not, then be what you are.”

I stubbornly told him I was a Jedi. I was not part of the dark side. The dark side had nothing to do with me. I never was and never would be part of the dark side.”

“So certain for one so confused. The dark side is powerful in you. Do not deny its existent. It is with you as is the light. Embrace the darkness, cherish it, find it and use it, and be a Jedi you will.”

My head swarm, my body ached, and my soul faltered and considered his words. Was he right? Was the dark side really apart of me? Sure, as a human being, I could not just be all one side. Perhaps I could strengthen my base of the pure good by releasing the fear and hate within me and letting it flow its natural path? Maybe because I fought the darkness is why I could not be a Jedi. My eyes darted to him by accident, seeking help, advise, comfort, something to clear the mystery and pain away. He had the well known look of the teacher I had come to associate him with. He opened his small mouth and spoke calmly, yet with enough strictness to

“Close your eyes you will. Let down the barriers you have, and be the Jedi you desire to be. Have the power you want.”

I sat down again in the great stone chair. I wasn’t sure why I was following his instructions, but I felt like he could help me. He had to help me. He was one of the all time greatest Jedi. If he could not, no one could, not even Mirmo.

I surrendered my trust to him and closed my eyes. I went deep inside myself, searching for the darkness within. It was not hard to find. I saw it as a child, a lone, scared child, bleeding and crying in pain and neglect, surrounded in blackness that had an evil chill. My heart went out for the child and I offered the poor thing a hand. The young girl accepted and let me lead her out of her hiding place. As I helped her out, I realized what she stood for. She was my innocence, abused, ignored, mistreated, and despised. If I could help her, I would help myself and possibly stop the nightmares from the past. I cuddled her in my arms, shushing her soft, telling her everything would be ok. She cried for a while and grew quiet as I peaceful stroke her hair. Some time later I peered at her face, to see the sweet child sleeping peacefully. I created a blanket in my mind and wrapped it warmly around her, to protect her from all evil that my mind had created. I opened my eyes and saw the room I was in a new light.

For the first time in two days I felt the Force blasting through me, giving me a shade of light to see through like never before. It was as if the world had turned black and white, with the black being evil and the white being good. Yoda was a mass of dark, dense black, and I came to realized what was going on. This was all a trick. I told him he was not real.

“Hmm…Not real? Then how can you see and hear me? Real, I am, foolish child.”

I shook my head and stood up, now full of righteous certainty and assured confidence, back by the power of the Force. It was true I had been foolish to let this illusion go so far, but I now had the power and will to end it. I told him he was a trick of my mind, the darkside of my mind.

“Ah, join the dark side you have decided?”

I wanted to laugh. He seemed so hopeful, so willing to ignore my accusation. I told him to leave. I was not scared of him.

“Yes, but scared of many things, you are.”

I explained to him that I once was, but now that I saw things for what they truly were, I no longer feared the darkside. He turned his head partly away and became blank as well as I could tell. When he looked at me again, his face of full of mischievous excitement, like a salesman about to snare their prey into the trap.

“Join me! I will teach you.”

I responded by asking him if I would I learn if I came under his apprenticeship.

“Learn, you will, about the truth of the Force and the truth about yourself.”

I smiled, already knowing the truth, and closed my eyes. I gathered the Force, as much as my mind would bear and focused the powerful, shining with white light energy on him. I could feel the blackness fall and crumble away, like black dust being scattered by the wind. When I opened my eyes I no longer saw him.

“Karen? Karen?”

“Karen, can you hear us?”

I heard frantic footsteps enter the room and the sound of feet running to me as I sank quickly to the floor, exhausted. I looked up and saw the worried face of Mirmo and soon behind him the composed face of Luke Skywalker studying me and the room. It was a sight too much for me to stand. That was when I busted out into sobbing, racking tears. Mirmo hugged me tightly, endlessly swearing I would be ok.

“Karen, is anything broken?”

I heard the concerned voice of Luke, but was crying too hard to respond. I felt his hands gentle probe my arms and legs.

“Karen, I need to you listen and answer me. Did you break anything?”

With pouring tears, I shook my head no. I made no movement, but gave a high pitched scream when Luke brushed his hand against my swollen and caked with dry blood feet.

“Mirmo, her feet are badly torn up. I do not think she should walk. You will have to carry her.”

“Of course. Ok Karen, calm down. Shhh. Take a deep breath. We are going to bring you back to the ship and then back to the medbay in the temple. But, I am going to have to carry you and I need you to put a hand over my neck as I lift you up.”

I took three ragged breaths and managed to collect myself enough to carry out his orders. Mirmo was very careful to not jerk me around too much; obviously thinking I had something more wrong with me than I told. I turned my head around to give one last look to the throne of the Sith and gave a gasp. I saw a pale, shimmering, again the dark background ghostly version of Yoda, smiling and gave me a quick nod which I interpreted to mean “good job”. I felt the Force; the light side that is, radiated from him and silently cried again. Mirmo mistook this to mean I was in pain and asked me if he was harming me. I choked out no and leaned my head to his chest. I glanced at Luke and saw a very strange, questioning what he had seen. I said nothing and remained silent for a long time.