Sequel: Reaching Through Darkness ›
The Hidden Truth
Depression
For the second time since I came to the temple, I woke up to find myself curled up in a small, smelly ball of fear. It took me minutes to remember the vague nightmare I dreamt of before. I lay on my mattress for some before looking at a clock to find out I had another hour before I had to get up. There was no point in trying to sleep for an hour full of fear. I little by little crawled out of my blankets and made my way to the bathroom, which they called a refresher. The hot steamy mist of the shower helped clear my mind and think, but the water could not penetrate my shield of fear. This shield of fear was not a new one. It was created out of a self defense program during the years of abuse. It was far from healthy, for the shield let the internal fear grow and fester, while shielding out anything can could calm or heal. I was unaware that this shield had sprung up and would remain that way. Many times we are hardly aware of what the true source of our anxiety because we fear to look at the dark half of our soul.
I made myself get out of my room and walk to the cafeteria for breakfast. I was disappointed with the food I found. It wasn’t that the food was bad, or rotten, or cooked wrong, it was just different. I didn’t see any cereal; there was no bacon, or orange juice. I never knew if the next bite was going to be a pleasant or nasty surprise. I just wanted something that I could pronounce the name of and knew what it was going to taste like even if I didn’t like it. So, once again I was made to take food that I had no idea what was, or really how to eat it, and look for a table.
I was still upset and depressed over the night before and felt the pain of loneness greater still. I gathered my courage and picked a table full of mid teen girls busy talking. I went up to them, tray in hands, and shyly asked if they minded me sitting at their table. One girl, I picked up to be the leader, said that was no problem and returned back to the conversation at hand. Well, it was not the warmest of welcomes, but at least I had not been rejected. I sat the edge of the table, distancing myself from the girls. I was unfortunate to find I had picked the table of the popular kids in the school. It was strange to say that even in a Jedi temple, there were three classes of people.
Think of society as a flock of sheep. You have the loners, the regular crowds of sheep, and the leaders of the sheep. The leaders of the sheep were people that knew they were popular, knew the game of popularity, and had no trouble taking advantage of the other sheep to gain more power and to get want they wanted. Among the sheep, these were people who either knew they were followers of the new trend and wanted to be led or they didn’t know and didn’t want to find out. Some of the sheep would but heads together in order to become a leader, but they were fooling themselves into thinking they could outsmart the leaders. Then there were the loners, the outcastes of society, who were either thrown out or chose to be alone for personal reasons. From my experience, the Jedi were mostly made up of loners who found themselves unable to fit in due to their stronger connection to the Force. It didn’t matter if these Jedi knew about the Force or not, there was always something about their personality that would not let them follow the lead of the corrupt, so they found themselves stranded, alone, and scared.
Apparently, in this temple the leaders of the sheep still existed, along with the despised game of corrupt popularity. I found myself wishing I had picked a deserted table, rather than suffer the boring and pointless conversations of guys, clothing, and gossip of other girls. These girls must have picked up my loner personality, for they did not invite me into their chatter. I made a point to eat my breakfast quickly and get out of there.
I still had time to wonder around the temple grounds before heading off to my first class. The event with the girls had not improved my mood, but increased my dislike for human contact. I knew it was stupid and silly to base the reputation of all students on just one table, but depression and pain makes you think in strange patterns of logic. I found my legs had brought me to my first class of the day, which looked to be exercising judging by the fact there were no chairs in the room. In ten minutes, the rest of the small, overweight class had shown up and two minutes after that a different teacher from the rest showed up. I was privately hoping the teacher, who had shown us the stretches and gave us the lecture on Jediism, would teach again. This teacher turned out to be boring with his monotone voice and uninteresting words. The class sleepily went through the stretches and seemed to lack the enthusiasm we had the day before. Maybe, I was not the only one who had a bad night and so far, a bad day. The class seemed to drag on, but maybe I just wanted it to end so badly, my sense of time was off.
When the class was done, I headed straight back to my room to hide from all. For some time I stared, emotionlessly into space, with no thoughts running through my head, except for visions of the dream. A small level of panic set in, causing me to feel restless, so I started pacing around my room. I settled down to the chair in front of my computer and spent my time that was meant for lunch, learning how to transfer my music I brought from my home to something that could be played on their strange music player. It was not that difficult to do, but I was still adjusting to their technology. An hour later it was time for my meditation class, one I wasn’t so sure on with my moodiness. I could only hope this day got better. This depression was starting to really get to me and my control over myself.
I made myself get out of my room and walk to the cafeteria for breakfast. I was disappointed with the food I found. It wasn’t that the food was bad, or rotten, or cooked wrong, it was just different. I didn’t see any cereal; there was no bacon, or orange juice. I never knew if the next bite was going to be a pleasant or nasty surprise. I just wanted something that I could pronounce the name of and knew what it was going to taste like even if I didn’t like it. So, once again I was made to take food that I had no idea what was, or really how to eat it, and look for a table.
I was still upset and depressed over the night before and felt the pain of loneness greater still. I gathered my courage and picked a table full of mid teen girls busy talking. I went up to them, tray in hands, and shyly asked if they minded me sitting at their table. One girl, I picked up to be the leader, said that was no problem and returned back to the conversation at hand. Well, it was not the warmest of welcomes, but at least I had not been rejected. I sat the edge of the table, distancing myself from the girls. I was unfortunate to find I had picked the table of the popular kids in the school. It was strange to say that even in a Jedi temple, there were three classes of people.
Think of society as a flock of sheep. You have the loners, the regular crowds of sheep, and the leaders of the sheep. The leaders of the sheep were people that knew they were popular, knew the game of popularity, and had no trouble taking advantage of the other sheep to gain more power and to get want they wanted. Among the sheep, these were people who either knew they were followers of the new trend and wanted to be led or they didn’t know and didn’t want to find out. Some of the sheep would but heads together in order to become a leader, but they were fooling themselves into thinking they could outsmart the leaders. Then there were the loners, the outcastes of society, who were either thrown out or chose to be alone for personal reasons. From my experience, the Jedi were mostly made up of loners who found themselves unable to fit in due to their stronger connection to the Force. It didn’t matter if these Jedi knew about the Force or not, there was always something about their personality that would not let them follow the lead of the corrupt, so they found themselves stranded, alone, and scared.
Apparently, in this temple the leaders of the sheep still existed, along with the despised game of corrupt popularity. I found myself wishing I had picked a deserted table, rather than suffer the boring and pointless conversations of guys, clothing, and gossip of other girls. These girls must have picked up my loner personality, for they did not invite me into their chatter. I made a point to eat my breakfast quickly and get out of there.
I still had time to wonder around the temple grounds before heading off to my first class. The event with the girls had not improved my mood, but increased my dislike for human contact. I knew it was stupid and silly to base the reputation of all students on just one table, but depression and pain makes you think in strange patterns of logic. I found my legs had brought me to my first class of the day, which looked to be exercising judging by the fact there were no chairs in the room. In ten minutes, the rest of the small, overweight class had shown up and two minutes after that a different teacher from the rest showed up. I was privately hoping the teacher, who had shown us the stretches and gave us the lecture on Jediism, would teach again. This teacher turned out to be boring with his monotone voice and uninteresting words. The class sleepily went through the stretches and seemed to lack the enthusiasm we had the day before. Maybe, I was not the only one who had a bad night and so far, a bad day. The class seemed to drag on, but maybe I just wanted it to end so badly, my sense of time was off.
When the class was done, I headed straight back to my room to hide from all. For some time I stared, emotionlessly into space, with no thoughts running through my head, except for visions of the dream. A small level of panic set in, causing me to feel restless, so I started pacing around my room. I settled down to the chair in front of my computer and spent my time that was meant for lunch, learning how to transfer my music I brought from my home to something that could be played on their strange music player. It was not that difficult to do, but I was still adjusting to their technology. An hour later it was time for my meditation class, one I wasn’t so sure on with my moodiness. I could only hope this day got better. This depression was starting to really get to me and my control over myself.