The Hidden Truth

I was happily surprised to find out that the teacher I liked came to the meditation class. I heard through from the older Jedi, he was called Master Mirmo. I later heard from the students that he was knight, leaving me confused if he was a knight or master. In fact, I knew nothing about him except from what I could pick up and what I overheard. Some of the students had caught on and were already seated on the floor when he came in. Just seeing him cheered me up and made me feel eager for the lesson.

He took a seat with the class and started the lesson. We were taught about the importance of a clear mind. We were taught about how a still mind was very important. He told a short story on how stilling his mind saved him from being detected by a dark Jedi hunting him down. He tied this all to preparation to feeling and using the Force, which got the interest of the class. He knew we were all more than begging to be taught how to feel and access the famous Force, but he reminded us our mind must be in right frame before we could accomplish this feat. We were given a method of how to still and blank out of mind and told to find a place in the room to practice.

I chose the far right corner. I leaned back on the cool wall, closed my eyes, and started breathing. I tried to envision a blackboard with nothing on it. I say tried, because memories of various nightmares kept popping up in my mind. I threw each on out of my head, only to find a new one came up. The shield of fear would not allow any peace to enter and my fear of failing at my task was growing. I tried to take a deep breath and gain order within my head, but it was too late. I took another turn at fighting the fear, but I was obviously losing.

“Karen, open your eyes”

I did so, feeling horribly ashamed of myself. He titled my head up with one finger to meet eyes. I tried to look away, but he held me still. I knew how to do this meditation. I had plenty of practice in the past and there was no excuse for this failure. I wanted to show him I was good at this. I wanted to be the best in the class. I strictly high myself to that high standard and would except anything less. I wanted to impress him and instead he had to take time out to help me. I should not make him have to do this and him making me look at him made the whole thing worse.

“Don’t be ashamed by failure”

I looked at him in shock. How could he known? How could he point it out so clearly and to the point? Had I been thinking, I would have known the answer was the Force.

“It’s ok to fail”

That sentence struck my heart and mind, rang clearly as a bell, and made me want to cry. I could not believe him. I desperately, with all my heart, wanted to believe him, to trust those wise, solid words, but I could not. I survived, pushed by myself, got here because I would not accept failure. How could he softly suggest something that was so opposite of my own teachings? How could he expect me to ignore what eight years brought me to know as truth? I looked into his eyes, searching his soul, for the answer.

“Let me help you”

My first reaction was to shun him out, to turn his offer down, and to leave the room. I did not want help. I did not need help. I could and would fight this battle myself. The Jedi part of me knew otherwise and told me so. I would have to get over my high ego and humble myself, should I wish to remain a Jedi. I took a breath, forced my tense body to relax, and to open my mind to him.

He instructed me to close my eyes once again and to let his voice enter me and carry me away. He spoke more softly than before, just barely louder than a whisper. He spoke of peace, of calm, of flowing water. My mind followed these images until I was lead to a spot where nothing existed. I was aware of myself, aware of him, aware of peace and my surroundings, and yet there was nothing. The soft bell pulled me out of this peaceful state. I looked around for him and saw him helping another student. I stared at him for a second before he turned around and glanced at me. I blushed, got up, and quickly headed for the door and to my next class.

My next class was more like a normal classroom with desks and chairs for the students. There were more students than ever before, ranging with all ages. The class acted something closer to the classes at my home. They were noisy, very chatty, and jokes and teases flew all over the place. The students became nosier as it got closer for the teacher to arrive. The teacher came in, and the room instantly became silent. The lesson began. I would like to go into the details of the lesson, but I wasn’t paying much attention. I knew it was about the overall history of the Jedi, but the details escape me. My mind was set on pondering Master Mirlo, the nightmare, and the meditation. He had such an effect on me, despite not really knowing why I was so upset. Before I knew it, everyone was starting to leave.

I headed for dinner, now starving for food, no matter what it was. I sat alone, not wanting to repeat the morning’s disaster. I could not help, but feel depression sink in again, only this time worse than before. I slowly made my way back to my small, confiding room. I was bored. The computer was still a mystery to me and I wasn’t in the mood to try to understand it. I lay on my cot, trying to understand how I got to be in such a miserable state. I feared I could never get out of my depression and would be kicked out and sent back to my dark home. That was the last thought I had before I fell asleep.