The Hidden Truth

The darkness was suffocating me. Everything about my home was wrong, so wrong. My cats looked thin, mistreated, and in pain. The house was so clean and so dim. The lights were out. My room had been completely changed with my stuff thrown out. The house felt like something in it had died. The yard was slowly falling apart. My mom laid on the floor, thoroughly drunk, crying out words that did not make sense. My father was on the couch, somehow managing to block out the insane pleads of my mother. I went to my father, begging him to change. He would not look at me. I was so scared of him. I begged him to help my mother, but he seemed to stubbornly keep reading the newspaper. I screamed at him, with tears running down my cheeks. He finally turned his head in my direction, but would not meet eyes. He said there was no one there that he knew. He disowned me. He was ashamed of me. I was thrown out of the family. I said this wasn’t fair! I had to go to the temple. It was the only chance of a future for me. There was a moment of awful silence. Then, out of no where, he stood up and slapped me hard across the face. I was too stunned to react. He screamed at me, something I couldn’t make out. He smacked me harder, leaving a mark on my face. I was shaking so bad, I could barely stand. He screamed, no words, just pure, horrible sound. It was a scream of disgust, of pure hate, of pure evil. In the background, my cats pitiful mewed in fear and my mom ranted away. He raised his hand again, this time; I knew he would kill me…

I woke up panting, my heart racing, and my body shaking just like in the dream. The fear was so intense it nearly drove me crazy. I was itching to get out of my room, to feel breathe and to have some space around me. I grabbed my music player and half ran out into the hall. I took a deep breath and regain some sense. I needed a place to be alone, alone with my music. I thought for a moment and decided to head for the top floor, to a big room with long, tall windows.

When I got there, I found a small table to place my player on. I took another deep breath and wiped the sweat off my face. It was a warm night. I started off with slow soft songs in the hopes of quieting my spirit, but my fearful mood lead me to darker songs to the last two darkness songs I knew. I danced them, full of emotion, letting the emotion guide and control my body.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

Everyone was clueless to my mood, to what was inside of me. Everyone left me, and seemed not what to have anything to do with me.

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I knew my emotions where a mess. I knew I was mentally confused, cuased by my fear.

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

I honestly didn’t know why I felt this why. I don’t know what brought on these nightmares. I wanted to end them. I want to be ok again.

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I was alone in my pain. I was silently screaming and yet no one heard me I could turn to no one..

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

My father blamed me. I was always to blame. I could not, would not fight him. I had no right to. This truly was all my fault. The song ended and went on the next, the most darkest, but truest of them.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I was sick of my father! All he ever tried to do was control everything I thought, felt, and did. I could never meet his expectations. Anything I did on my own, for myself, was wrong in his mind.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

My father wore me down. He was constantly telling me what I had done wrong, making me redo it. He turned me into his personal servant, which he treated so poorly, without respect.

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

His control was so complete; it gave me no room to move, to be myself. I had no freedom, no rights. I was treated like a child, when I was clearly much more mature.

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I could fail at being a Jedi. I could be sent back. I could become my father, who had been abused by his mother, although he seemed unconscious of that.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

The emotions I was feeling where overwhelming. My moves of my dance had an eerie flow to them. I hit all the right beats. When the song ended, I was so still, one had to wonder if I was breathing. I waited several seconds after the song had ended to move again. I went over to the window, being utterly silent for a moment before I opened up my bursting heart and sobbed. My cry was the howl that broke the glass silence around me. My heart poured out every held back, bitten down thought and feeling. I would have cried for hours on end. I was badly startled when a hand touched my shoulder. I stopped crying and spun around to look at who was there.

Master Mirmo looked at me with caring, compassionate eyes. A second of silence went by as I stood there, tears coursing down my cheeks, unable to get myself to run out of the room. He put the hand around my back and pulled my face this his chest. I cried, not quite as hard, on him. He gave me the appropriate amount of time to cry and then shushed me until I was quiet. I pulled away from his touch, looking down at the ground and asked how long had he been there.

“Long enough to see you are in pain”

I continued to stare at the ground, not sure what to say. He was seeing me at my absolute worse. There was no point in wanting to impress him ever again. He saw that I was too emotional, too weak, too scared. He had to have seen I was no Jedi and never would be. He would inform the council of my instability and that would be the end of that.

“Follow me”

There was no option, but to follow him. We went to an unfamiliar hallway and stopped at one door. The door opened and showed me it was his bedroom. It was very much like mine, only he had a bed, meaning the wooden framework and not just a mattress. There was a computer looking like mine. The main difference between his room and mine is he had small objects around the room, adding a personal touch. He guided with a hand on my shoulder, to the bed and sat next to me. I didn’t say anything, not trusting my voice.

“Tell me who did this to you”

I didn’t ask how he guessed. I didn’t waste time in answering it was my father and that was all I gave. I was in too much pain to explain more.

“You had another nightmare of your father harming you, didn’t you?”

I nodded, refusing to go play that dream again. Instead, I asked how he found me. He explained that the other teacher that day noted my stress and my distraction to him. He knew the signs of an upset young adult. He had woken up, thinking of me, wondering if I was alright. He was restless, so took a walk and heard the start of the first song. He quietly slipped into the room and hide in the shadows, watching me. He stopped there because there was a knock at the door. Master Mirmo got up from the bed and accessed the door. The tour guide woman stood there, peering into the room, looking a bit surprised with her eyes when she saw me. Mirmo noticed this and covered for me.

“She’s just a bit homesick”

Homesick? How could I possibly want to go back to that nightmare of a family? The woman wanted to ask a favor, but she decided she would come back later. When was gone, Mirmo came back to the bed. He said he would not make me talk tonight, but he asked that I went back to bed. I refused to; I didn’t want to return to more nightmares. He paused and told me to lie down on his bed. I gave him a questioning look, but did as asked. He had me closed my eyes and picture a clear, calm lake. I knew where this was going. I had been through this before. He asked me to envision a floatation device, but I was already on the step after that. I felt the warm sunlight softly cover my skin like a warm blanket. The slow breeze brought a fresh, sweet smell to my nose, calming my senses. The gentle lap of the water coached my tired body and mind to much deserved restful sleep.