He'll Be the Death of Me, I Swear

Full Moon In A Black Sky

"Landyn?" I whispered, paranoid as I glanced around the room. He chuckled.

"Yep. It's me alright. I just wanted to make sure you made it home."

"Why wouldn't I have?" I scoffed. This was all so utterly ridiculous.

"Jacob. He doesn't like me around, so I thought he might have whisked you away somewhere." That made me laugh.

"Oh yeah. He was going to kidnap me to keep me away from you."

"Not even that would work," he purred seductively. I took the phone from my ear and stared at it before listening again. "I'd find you, trust me. No teething puppy could hide you from me."

"Hmm. Well, I suppose we don't have to worry about that since I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere. My mother needs me and I'll be dammed if I'm not there for her in her last months of life."

"Of course. But what about after?" he asked softly. "What do you plan on doing?"

"Finishing school and going to college or something. I have my house already and I'll inherit plenty of money to get me going. I have my college fund all set already. And I know how to take care of myself until life goes the way I want it to."

"How do you want it to go?" he asked. His curiosity was obvious and I bit my lip.

"I'm not sure what I want anymore."

"Life is horrible when you don't know what you want," he told me somberly.

"I know," I sighed. "So do you know what you want?"

"I do," he breathed.

"What?" I asked him, trimming my fingernail by biting it.

"I have to go. I'll talk to you later," he assured me, hanging up abruptly.

"Well, bye," I said sourly to the dead line before hanging up the phone. What was that all about? I sighed and turned on the TV. I had way too much on my mind and it wasn't fair at all, but what did I want from life?

Actually I had a quite clear image. I wanted to let what happened happen with grace. I wanted to survive through life well enough so that death wouldn't be as welcome as I always thought it to be. I wanted to want to live, but right now that wasn't happening. I had a feeling that when my mother died I would become quite suicidal because I would have nothing--and no one--to live for. I never had lived for myself really: I was always trying to keep others happy and that took all of my time.

Jacob said he didn't want my time, but just what I could spare. And I knew I had made the right choice to turn him down each time he asked. He would move on and be happy with some deserving girl. But did I want him to move on?

I sighed. Perhaps underneath it all it would be better if I did want Jacob to be something more, but I just didn't want that. Even still, I certainly did need him. Did that make me selfish and a horrible person? I knew the answer to that: yes. I wanted him to be in my life and care for me, but it hurt him to do that. He wanted so much more and I was teasing him with it. And Landyn? I was starting to think he wanted the same thing as Jacob. And to be honest, I wasn't sure if I would have told him no to hanging out if Jacob hadn't been there...

Oh, God. That was like a smack in the face. As I thought on I realized a few more things that were as obvious as the glowing full moon in the now black night sky outside.

One: Jacob and Landyn--I would have to choose between them eventually.

Two: I would continue to hurt Jacob by keeping him around because I just couldn't ever say good-bye to him.

But there was another thing that was worse than any of those.

Three: I was falling in love with Landyn.

And finally, four: That's not good at all...