Pup Among the Big Dogs

"Bel, it's not your fault. I wasn't expecting to be attacked like that. Besides, I'm just glad you're okay," Ian insisted. I sighed. He just didn't get it, did he?

"But you're not!" I yelled, sending the birds perched in nearby trees to the sky, frightened. I calmed myself. I was acting like I was mad at him when I wasn't. Voice like a whisper and head hanging, I continued. "I'm sorry. But listen, make me feel bad. Tell me it's all my fault. Make me beg for forgiveness. Yell at me; scream. I deserve it."

"Isabel..."

"Do it," I told him, looking him in the eyes. "Call me a bitch, tell me to go die. Tell me I'm horrible. Tell me something!" I was begging him, so how could he deny me this?

"Fine. Bel..." He took a deep breath as did I. "I fucking love you," he screamed. The sky turned black from all the crows taking flight. "Don't you get it?" he asked me, voice so quiet compared to his scream not five seconds before.

"I don't deserve you to," I told him, trying not to cry. God, even now I was making us focus on me when he was the one in pain. I really deserved to die.

"You're right, you don't." I looked up at him and he smiled painfully. "You deserve way better."

"Stop it! Stop trying to make me feel better!" I demanded. He shook his head.

"I can't do that, Bel. I'm sorry."

"Of course you can't..." I sighed. "Here, just kill me right here."

"Isabel!" His voice was full of horror and only a tiny bit of the anger I wanted. "Let's just go back home," he muttered, not looking at me. Good, this is what I needed.

"Alright." I helped him to his feet carefully. He still wouldn't look at me and surprisingly it made me feel how I should: terrible. I resisted the urge to beg him to look at me. This is what I needed of him and he was good at playing the part. I thanked him mentally. I looked up to the sky and to the ground ahead of us.

We had quite a ways to go.