Pup Among the Big Dogs

I woke up at the crack of dawn, having been used to the nights with barely any sleep. That had been before I completely pissed off the man I had to spend my entire life with. Not my smartest move obviously.

I glanced over to Ian as he slept soundly. His bruises were completely gone, but a few nicks and scratches remained. He was also wincing in his sleep. I guess he wasn't sleeping so soundly after all.

One thing that was for certain: it's cold in night when you know there's someone besides you who "loves" you, but refuses to hold you. Now normally--if Ian hadn't been there--I would have been perfectly warm. But it bothered me that he was refusing to touch me. Normally I was in a bear hold or something when I woke up, but now...He seemed to have moved further away from me since last night.

I hated to wake him up and face his silent treatment, but we needed to cover as much ground as we could. He needed to be back home and in bed. Rest would help him, not traveling across the country with me. At least then I could leave him be and let him be alone and without me: just like he wanted.

Just before I shook him awake, I had to stop to wipe tears from under my eyes. I was crying because he didn't love me anymore. I was crying because I cared that he no longer cared for me. I was crying because...I had wanted to love him more than anything, but now that I found myself getting fond of him, he hated me.

Let him sleep a little longer. I walked to a nearby stream and looked at myself in the water. Who would love me anyway? I had never had any luck with relationships. Why should he have to suffer and have to put up with me when no one else wanted to? I bet my parents didn't come looking for me because I was a burden. I bet my adoptive parents killed themselves to get away. I bet my step-brother never went looking because he actually wanted me gone. All along, no one had ever wanted me, so why was I doing this to Ian?

I let myself cry. Not even I wanted to be near me. Not even I liked myself. Why would anyone else? At least I could replenish the river's water. But then I would be contaminating clean water with my salt water tears. I wasn't good for anything.

"I'm up" I heard from behind me. I didn't look at him. He didn't deserve to have to look at me.

"Alright," I choked out, stepping through the stream and leading Ian to the other side.

I didn't even try conversation. I didn't even speak a word to him. He didn't say anything either. That decided it: he didn't want to have to put up with me. I was leaving here and going as far away as possible. I would let him get better and then I was gone. Don't worry Ian, you can go find someone you actually want to be with.

So we walked in silence as I thought about the best place for me to be: maybe Alaska. Not many people to put up with me if I lived in the country all alone. Yeah, I'd have to go there. Maybe I was overreacting...

Or maybe I was right. Either way, this was the better thing to do.

We probably covered twice the land than we had yesterday. I figured we only had two more days until we got back. And that was just calculating Ian's progress today. He would get better and hopefully he would run away: leaving me in his dust.

The best place for me was there actually. He could leave me for dead. Maybe Gabriel would come murder me. Slow and painful was probably what I deserved. Let him make it agonizing as everyone who wanted me to die watched from front row seats.

Yeah. Now he had to get better. The sooner he was, the sooner I could find Gabe or maybe even Zach. I had attacked his own, so he should have a grudge.

Isabel; be sent to Hell! Even poetry thinks it best for me to die!