Insert Romantic Title Here

It was dark in the hotel room. After all it was three in the morning and Melissa and Jackie were sound asleep in their beds. But I just couldn’t seem to do it. My mind was too restless.

With a heavy sigh I threw off the covers and slipped on a pair of jeans.

As quietly as I could manage I opened the door and closed it behind me. Then I traveled down two rooms to where Ray was.

I was about to knock on the door when I remembered Ray was spending the night with Amber Leigh. Maybe it was a good thing anyway; Gerard was staying in that room and I didn’t want to face him right now.

Moving down one more door I sighed again.

“Hello?” Mikey answered after I knocked.

“Mikey! I need to talk to you.”

“Me?” He asked wearily.

I nodded.

“Now?”

“Please? I think I’m going to explode if I don’t get this out soon.”

“Yeah let’s go down to the lobby.”

He slipped on some shoes and trudged down three stories with me. We grabbed two comfy chairs across from a fireplace and sat in silence for a while.

“So what was it you wanted to talk about?” Mikey said grabbing his glasses out of his pocket and placing them securely on his nose.

“I don’t think I love Frank.”

“Well,” He leaned back in his chair. “I think everyone but Frank and Gerard knows that.
Actually…” He placed one hand on his chin. “I think Frank knows it if he really wants to or not.”

“I really fucked up. Didn’t I, Mikey?”

We sat in silence for a while. It was true. I did fuck up. I fucked up badly.

“So… What do I do?”

“Did you read the letter?”

“How did you know-?”

“I’m his brother.”

I smiled.

“No, I didn’t. Well, I read the first line and dropped it.”

“Why?”

“I just couldn’t bring myself to any more obvious fact of how badly I messed up.”

“ Well, the first thing you should do is read it. It’s really good. It made me cry and it wasn’t even about me. And I think it’s even better now. Considering the current situation.”

I looked down at my hands, then into the fire. I watched the flames seductively dance to their own private music. It really was a beautiful fire. I’d never known fire to be so beautiful before.

I guess you just have to take the time to appreciate things more.

“Secondly,” Mikey continued. “You need to tell the truth to Frank.”

Damn, I was afraid he was going to say that.

“The longer you avoid it, the more it’ll hurt him. And as your friend, and as his friend, I think it’s best if you tell him now. Before things get too out of hand.”

I nodded.

“You’re right. Of course.” I turned my head back to the fire. “Damn, this is gonna be hard.”

“Breaking someone’s heart is never really easy, though, is it? Especially when you care for that person.”

“When did you become so smart?”

“I think it’s when I met Melissa. She really helped me a lot. More than she’ll ever know. It’s kind of amazing isn’t it? How someone can change your life, just one person, can set your life in a completely different direction.”

“Yeah, I think I know what you mean.”

Mikey yawned leaned his head back.

“Do you want me to stay up with you?”

“No, don’t be silly. You should sleep.”

“Mmkay. Good night, Katie.”

He got up, gave me a hug goodnight, and went into the elevator, while I once again turned my head to gaze into the fire.
-----
Chad picked up Ray bright and early in the morning and brought him back to the hotel. We were all anxious to know what happened last night with Amber Leigh. But he merely smiled and said that he “had a good time”.

“But I told her that once we’re on our break we’ll come back and visit. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, of course!” Chad said. “Anything to get you in that bus faster!”

Ray shot Chad a menacing look and grudgingly got onto the bus. We all followed after him and headed to Paris.
-----
“I’m so excited about seeing Paris!” Jackie exclaimed while we were on the highway, making out way into the city. “Are you excited, Katie?”

Oh, great. Thanks for focusing in on me Jackie.

“Yeah,” I said half-hearted.

She seemed satisfied with my answer and continued on rambling about her excitement and all the sights she wanted to see, only to have her joy crushed by Bob who reminded her we’d only stay in the city for the show, and then it was right back on the road.

“Oh…”

“But we can come back on our break in two weeks!” Bob added.

Jackie immediately perked up again. Then she started rambling again about all the things she wanted to do on the break.

I just stared out the window. My mind was thinking of other things. It was too busy to concern itself with what we were doing on the break. It wasn’t even thinking that far ahead. Honestly it was thinking about the right words to say to Frank.

“Hey,” Frank whispered in my ear. “Are you alright? You seem, distracted.”

“No, no. I’m fine.”

He held up our conjoined hands and kissed my fingers.

“You know I’m always here if you need something, right?”

“Of course,” I nodded.

Frank smiled and happily returned to the conversation, leaving my alone with my befuddled mind.

I knew Mikey was right. He was right about everything. I just wished he told me what exactly to say to Frank.

“Hey, Frank, sorry to break your heart but…”

Oh, yeah, that would be really nice. Letting him down nice and easy.

I rolled my eyes at my own stupid thoughts.

Finally, giving up, I moved from the table to the piano in the back. I felt at home with the familiar keys easing my tensed mind.

I changed the setting to grand piano and began shaking my memory for an old recital piece I’d once played. My teacher always told me once I’d memorized a piece it’d be imbedded in my mind forever. Turns out he was right.

The piece was entitled “Novelette”, and I’d played it when I was fifteen at a piano competition held through the school district. I’d gotten a one on it and was hoping that I could still remember everything.

It started off soft, but powerful. My fingers sunk into the keys and held on tightly. It slowly grew louder. The angst in the piece was coming out.

“This piece is like a story,” My teacher would always say. “First, calm yet full of emotion. Then it grows angry, so you have to portray that with your fingers. It grows so angry until finally, it has nowhere to go but back to calm. And then you finish off softer than began. It’s very powerful, indeed.”

I tried my best to do as he said, even many years later. And I must say, I did all right with something I hadn’t played in five years or so. My fingers did fumble a few times, but to anyone who was just listening couldn’t have heard it.

When I finished I turned the keyboard off and leaned my elbow on it.

“I’m so fucked,” I sighed.

“What do you mean? I thought that was great.”

“Gerard!” I sat up and looked over at the doorway.

Sure enough, there stood Gerard. Leaning against the wall, arms crossed.

“Everyone just wanted me to let you know that we’re in Paris now. So, we’re going to go get something to eat.”

“Thanks, I’ll be out in a minute.”

He half smiled and left me alone again.
-----
“When are going to tell Frank?” Melissa yelled in my ear while the opening act was finishing up their set. I stared at her, pretending to be confused. “Mikey tells me things,” She added.

Damn Mikey…

“I’m still working on it,” I yelled back at her.

“You better get to it soon!”

I sighed. Did she think I didn’t know that?

Our attention turned to the show and we watched our friends put their hearts into every one of their actions. My eyes danced back and forth between Frank and Gerard. Something needed to be done about this. I just wish it wasn’t me that had to do it.

If I could get Frank to fall out of love with me, that’d be great. But I know that that’s never going to happen… Well…Not anytime soon. So I guess, it’s all up to me, unfortunately.
-----
After the show we had an hour before heading back on the bus. So I dragged Frank aside and we went on a walk around Paris.

I wish I could say that it was beautiful, but I honestly wasn’t paying much attention to the scenery. I was more focused on remembering the right words to say to Frank.

We found our way into a park near the arena. The yellow lights glistened perfectly in the fountain by the bench on which we were sitting.

“Frank?”

He turned his head from the sky and looked at me.

“Yeah?”

“Can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure,” His eyes fluttered to the fountain then back at me. “Is everything okay?”

“Honestly?” I spoke to the floor. “Not really.”

He reached for my hand but I quickly pulled it away.

“That’s what I need to talk to you about…”

A little smile planted itself on his face. One of those “I-knew-this-was-coming” smiles that makes you feel bad inside. This one made me feel ten times worse than the normal one did.

“I knew this would happen…” He said more to himself than me. “I guess I was just in denial.”

I waited for a while. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

“It’s kind of funny… You know? You’re breaking my heart in the city of love…”

“Frankie, I’m sorry.”

We sat again in this semi-silence. Only the trickling of the fountain kept my thoughts company. But it offered no sense of comfort here.

I stood up from the bench and began taking a few steps forward. Before I could get anywhere Frankie grabbed my hand and turned me around to face him. He stood up and brushed some hair out of my face.

“Can I just have one last kiss?” His face inched towards mine and our lips collided for the last time.

I was the one that broke it sooner than it should have. Then without saying another word I walked back to the bus.
-----
Neither Frank nor I needed to tell anyone about what happened on our walk that night. It must’ve been obvious what my purpose had been when I asked him if he’d like to go with me.

“I must’ve been in denial,” He confided in me the day after Paris. “You know what I mean? I was so blinded by everything that I couldn’t see the obvious.”

“I think I know exactly what you mean,” I half smiled and vaguely thought of my entire experience with Gerard.

“So…” Frank tried to keep the conversation from dying. “You wanna hear something cool?”

“Yeah,” I said perking up, hoping it would be a lighter topic than our past relationship.

“Even though we have a … rocky past. I still feel like there’s no awkward moments or bitterness when I talk to you.”

My head titled to one side.

“Then maybe you confused love and friendship,” I suggested.

“Love is just friendship on fire,” Frank laughed.

“Oh I know a few people who could argue that.”

We laughed for a moment and then sat in another moment of silence.

“Frank?”

His head shot up.

I swooped him into a hug. He lay limp in my embrace for a minute before catching on and hugging me back.

“Thanks for being so understanding,” I smiled.

Frankie smiled and we let go of each other.

I looked around at everyone sleeping around us. It was late at night and Frankie and I had been up taking for hours.

Unable to control my physical needs I tried to force back a yawn, but it came out larger than I thought it would.

“You should sleep,” He told me.

With a giant sigh I got up from the floor and moved onto my bunk.

Frankie acted like my mother and made sure I was all tucked in before leaving me to my sleep.

He moved some hair away from my forehead and gently pecked it.

“Sweet dreams, Kate,” He whispered and climbed up to his bunk.

“Sweet dreams, Frankie.”
-----
Throughout the next few days Gerard’s sketchbook decided to play tricks on my mind. It would sit there haunting me. I wanted to look at it; I wanted to read that letter. But Gerard still had bitterness towards me, even though Frank and I were over (Even though it was hard to say we had began, it hadn’t lasted long.) So if I read that letter, it might make me feel worse.

Finally, it was Jackie that convinced me that reading the letter and looking through it would be the best for all of us.

We were at a show in Germany when she leaned over to me and said:

“Haven’t you noticed a change in Gerard? His performance I mean?”

I pursed my lips to one side, as if to tell her I didn’t like what she was suggesting. Then I eyed Gerard singing on stage.

Now that I fully thought about it, he did seem a little off. Sure, he was energetic and seemed happy. But for anyone who actually knows him could tell, he was just masking some true emotion that he didn’t want his fans to see.

“I wonder what could be wrong…” She smirked at me and drifted to the other side of the crowd, leaving me alone with my confused thoughts.

I tried to sort through all these different ides in my mind. But it turns out that sorting logic and want is harder than it appears.

So without thinking, I ran from the arena and stormed onto the bus.

My things started flying threw the air. I didn’t care where the landed I just needed to find that one thing. And so far, it seemed impossible. I scrambled through my clothes and all of my other personal belongings.

“Where the fuck did I put it?” I asked myself when I lay among my strewn wardrobe.

I leaned my head to one side until it furiously hit the bunk to my right.

“OH YEAH!”

With all the balance I could muster I stood up and reached under my mattress. Within minutes of searching my hand came back out from under the mattress with a black sketchbook in hand.

Ignoring the mess I had previously made I plopped down on my bed and prepared myself for what I was about to endure.

“Come on, Katie,” I took a deep breath in.

My hand was shaking as it reached over and slowly opened the cover of the sketchbook for the third time

The letter was still firmly in its place. There was only one difference, and that was the fact that it was a tad wrinkled in the corners.

Finally, I let my eyes fully read Gerard’s letter.

“Dear Katie,

I’m sorry. I have no idea why I said the things I did. Wait… Yes I do have an idea.

Have you ever said or done anything because you’re nervous, or scared? Or hell just plain confused? I have, I have so many times I’ve lost count. But the one that’s been playing on my mind the most has been you.

No! I’m not saying you’re a bad thing! I’m saying that what I said to Ray, that was one of those times, and it seemed to have the biggest effect on my life. More than anything I’ve ever done. More than life itself, I’d die just so you’d forgive my stupidity.

Because the truth is, the real honest to God truth, the truth that’s clearer than the difference from the sky above and the earth below, is that I love you. I have loved you since that first magical time our beings ever collided.

Sure, when I first saw you aiding an injured Melissa you stopped me dead in my tracks.
I remember this specifically because I thought that you were the most gorgeous thing that ever lived. Only staring would satisfy my need for your beauty. I don’t remember if I ever told you this, but outside that club? You remember don’t you? When I asked if I knew you, I actually knew who you were right away, no second-guessing, who else could have as striking eyes as you do? I tried my best to stay cool, not sure if that fully worked though. Then… That bitch. Whatever her name was, I don’t even remember. But when she came up to me, I just about died inside. All I could think about after that was how you looked at me when you left, how your mouth curled at the edges and how your eyes stared coldly into mine. The guys might’ve told you but I was up all night pacing and talking to myself. I needed your forgiveness. It was all I needed. All I wanted.

So when Frank asked you that question, I couldn’t believe it. How my temper and impatience with you went through the roof, I’m sorry for that too. I felt like such an ass. Because I was one!

It may sound a little cliché to tell you this but I’m doing it in all honesty. That dare, I can’t remember who exactly dared me, but I remember what happened as if it happened only moments ago. When you’re soft lips collided with mine I knew from then on that I loved you with my entire being. Maybe I had only known you for a day, but I just had that feeling. That feeling when you know that this person means something a whole lot bigger than you ever thought possible.

Within the next week I’d convinced myself that I could have you. All I needed to do was ask. My confidence grew and so did my love for you. You were truly opening up to me and myself to you. You were letting me in your heart, even if it was just as a friend. You were letting me in. That’s all that counted.

Just a side note, that night on the bus, a while ago, you were awake, and so was I. You thought I was sleepy though. I wasn’t. I’d been awake the entire time you were. Until finally, I gathered up enough confidence to go up to you and kiss you and have an excuse. Good thing for me I’d been notorious for sleepwalking in the past. Let me say right now, before another word is spoken, well, in our case, read, that that kiss was THE most precious thing I’ve ever encountered. All I wanted was for the moment to continue until the ends of the earth. I wanted to hold you in my arms forever and keep you safe. But when I had to let go, I regretted nothing. But apparently, you did. The tears that flowed from your eyes afterwards broke my heart.

Moving on…Something I’ve wished to discuss with you for a while. But you’ve always shied away from it. The record store. I exploded. I made you feel terrible and for that I’ll never forgive myself. It’s just the fact that Mikey had Melissa, and now Bob had found this new girl to be smitten with, and I still didn’t have you. That’s what drove me insane. So I tried to think of all the ways to hate you, when actually, there are none. None at all. So I pulled things out of thin air. And apparently, they were things that had touched your mind before. But when you ran, that’s what pulled at my heart the most. The fact that I’d hurt you so much, you ran away from me.

Let me make it absolutely clear, Katie. All the things I said. None of it was true. Not one syllable. They were all lies.

Skipping ahead some time. After New York and the visit with your sister. You slipped into a hole. I had no idea why. Out of the black came something that made you different. I despised seeing you that way. I needed to try and help you out of whatever this place was you’d been in for a week or so. So that walk was needed. And with that walk came those pictures. And with those pictures came the tabloid. I hated that tabloid. And by the looks of it you did as well. But when the rage took place of the shock, I needed someone to blame. I didn’t want to blame myself, I was already doing it for so many different things at that time, that I reached for my nearest target. You. No words could ever express how much I regretted saying all those horrible things to you. That might be why this letter isn’t a very good one…
Now, the most current of my many fuck ups. The conversation you heard. With Ray. You were in the bathroom. I was so confused at that point. I thought I was mad at you, when really I was in denial. I couldn’t bring myself any more pain to realize how much I deeply loved you that I ended up causing more pain than ever intended. I probably hurt you the most with that short conversation. And, I’m so sorry for ever implanting the thought in your head that I don’t love you. Because nothing could be farther from the truth.

So, let me end this, amazingly long letter, now. Wait… First I need to tell you some things.

Katie, sweetest Katie, you put the stars to shame. Your radiance is too bright for them to handle, and it scares them into their far off places in the infinite abyss we call the sky.

I am yours. My entire being, heart and soul. Everything. It all belongs to you. And with whatever tiny inch of hope I have left in my black little heart, is hoping and begging that whoever or whatever runs this entire planet will show me some peace and let you find it in your heart to love me in return. And no matter what you respond to this spontaneous leap of faith, remember this, I will always love you. My heart is yours, and it will remain that way until this earth crumbles to dust.

With eternal love,

Gerard

P.S – Every single drawing in this book, in one way or another, is related to you. Look carefully, some are harder to figure than others.”

I stared, teary eyed at the letter. Nothing had ever filled me with such happiness. I’d never quite realized that Gerard truly had a way with words before this moment. Sure, he’s a great lyricist. But those are songs, who knew that in real life situations, he was almost like the Shakespeare of our time.

My head threw itself back and I closed my eyes.

Gerard echoed through my mind. Even though this was only a letter I could imagine him saying every one of those words. The words that filled every crevasse of my mind.

“I love him,” I smiled. “And he loves me.”

No one in the entire world could fathom how amazing it was saying those words aloud. And knowing that they were 100% true.

“I love him. And he loves me.”

I jumped up from the bed and began joyfully picking up the mess I’d made ten minutes ago.

“I love him! And he loves me!”

I was singing these repeated sentences by this point as I danced through the slowly dissolving mess of clothes.

“I LOVE HIM! AND HE LOVES ME!”

That’s when I stopped dead in my tracks with a black skirt in one hand and a strapless bra in the other.

“I need to tell him,” I realized.

My hands dropped the bra and skirt and ran to the door of the bus when something else hit me.

“The pictures,” I whispered. “I need to see the pictures.”

With my disgruntled thoughts I rushed back to the bunks and grabbed the sketchbook.
I took my time examining each drawing. Even though I’d seen some of them before it was like I was looking at a completely different sketchbook.

Gerard was right. I mean, of course he was, it was his sketchbook. Every single drawing, in one way or another, was related to how he was feeling or an experience we’d shared together.

Some of them made me laugh like a hyena. While others, such as the one with the moon and others along those lines, kind of made me teary eyed. That he could care that much to make something so beautiful.

I got to the last picture, there were still some empty pages, but this was the last drawing that he’d done.

It was dated for the day he’d given the book to me. I remember it perfectly. He was drawing and I was “sleeping”. And that’s exactly what the picture was.

There was a woman lying down on a stone table. She had one hand on her stomach and the other was dangling off the side of the table. The stone table had candles surrounding it that illuminated the etch work around the side of the table. It danced around the woman’s sleeping being with grace and mystic. Her hair draped down to the floor and just avoided a candle. She had on a black dress that flowed down to her knees and stilly hung just over the side of the stone.

Behind the woman was a man. He had black hair that covered his face. He wore a suit that was similar to the black shirt and red tie combo Gerard wore in the Helena video. The man had blood staining the skin on his hands. Anyone could tell that by the way he was holding himself this man was ashamed of something.

That’s when I noticed the blood around the woman’s mouth and neck.

It was a truly gorgeous drawing. One of Gerard’s best I’d say. It was the one that made me break down in tears again. Tears of joy.

I looked back at the letter and reread it. Mikey was right. It was a real tearjerker. For me anyway.

I held the sketchbook close to my heart and lay down on my bed.

Without wanting to I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off into a dreamless sleep.