Little Red Cinderella and the Three Beanstalks

Previously...

"Wolves? Seriously Rikki, it isn't normal for you to get into that much trouble in such a short amount of time." Jack interjected disapprovingly.

"You're telling me." I muttered under my breath. But honestly, what did I expect? I was in my own story now, and when do things ever go smoothly in books? Murphy's law says, if there is any possible way for things to get worse then they already are, it will happen.

Fortunately, it looked like Murphy was taking a lunch break right then, for instead of an ominous growling coming from the depth of the darkness, or a clap of thunder rolling overhead, Ezu suddenly stopped in his tracks and dropped me roughly. Jack grabbed my arm, keeping me on my oh so clumsy feet.

"Finally!" Ezu breathed. "We're here. His house is right through these trees, in that clearing."

"Oh thank God!" I moaned, stretching out my back and cramped legs. "I was begging to worry we were going in circles." Ezu snorted derisively.

"I don't wander in circles, girl."

I frowned. "There you go again with the 'girl'. Stop that." I said, pushing past both him and Jack, and stepping into the clearing beyond.

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As I stepped beyond the fringe of trees, I was mildly surprised to see that it wasn't just a clearing I had stepped into, but that the forest had ended completely, and some ways off I could see what looked like wheat fields, bordering a dusty road on one side, and a small cottage on the other.

"What the... Did... did we just walk end to end through the entire forest in one night?" I asked Ezu, who had just come up beside me in mild disbelief. Ezu snorted in his usual, elegant fashion.

"Don't be ridiculous. It takes years to cross the entire forest. No, we just made sort of a U shape." He clapped me roughly on the back, and took off towards the house. "Come on. Robbers are usually up and about at this time of night." He called back to me and Jack.

"I really hate him, you know that?" Jack mused, frowning. He sighed resignedly and took my hand. "Come on, before something tries to eat us." He said darkly, and began pulling me after Ezu.

As we got nearer, I noticed it wasn't a particularly large cottage, but considering the circumstances- coughinsideanoldastimeitselffairytalecough- it seemed as though it's owners were rather well off nonetheless. Thoughts of hot meals and comfy beds raced around my head, and by the time Jack and I caught up with Ezu, I was itching to get inside and collapse in an overworked heap. After, of course, I used the little girl's room...

"Um... Ezu? Could you hurry up?" I asked him quietly, tugging on his shirt sleeve.

"I'm going, I'm going! I'm not going to make you stand out here all night, hold your horses." He snapped back. He rapped the door firmly with his knuckles, unhurriedly.

"Good. Because I have to pee." I said bluntly. Ezu made a choking noise in the back of his throat and took a sudden step backwards.

"You what? Why?... Oh! Right!" He looked flustered, and this time he practically broke the door down with his vehement knocking.

"You're not very good at dealing with anything involving liquids coming out of a body, are you?" I asked under my breath, frowning. I heard Jack snort with laughter behind me, and I elbowed him in the gut.

"Hans! Hans, wake up and let us in! It's me, Ezu!" Ezu called, pounding the door. There was a muffled cry of, "I'm coming!" from somewhere beyond the threshold, a few seconds of silence, then the sounds of a lock being drawn back from the door. It swing open and revealed a very sleepy looking man in a dressing gown and cap. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and peered at us blearily.

"Good God, it is you! What in Heaven's name are you doing prowling around there parts so late at night? It's not safe!" He said, and he beckoned us into his house. We trailed trough the door like ducks in a row, and found ourselves standing a tad awkwardly in the middle of what appeared to be a living room.

Well, Jack and I stood awkwardly at any rate. Ezu immediately pulled off his cape, tossed it at the man who had let us in, strode over to the nearest cushioned armchair, and sunk into it with a heavy sigh.

"Trust me, Hans. You don't even want to know." He grunted. Hans frowned, and tossed Ezu's cape back at him.

"Banging on my doors like it's the end of the world at all hours of the night... Come marching into my house with any wandering stranger you pick up off the road..." Hans muttered under his breath, then threw me and Jack an apologetic look. "No offense meant, of course."

"None taken." Jack assured, though not sounding entirely sure himself.

"Sit down, sit down. Since you're here anyways, and it doesn't look as if you're moving any time soon," here he threw the lounging Ezu a sharp look, "I'll go draw some beer from the cellar, and then you can explain to me exactly what is going on." Hans said.

"That sounds wonderful, Hans." Ezu insisted, turning sideways and propping his feet up on an arm of his chair. Hans disappeared through a back door as Jack and I took uncertain seats in hard backed chairs beside Ezu. A few silent seconds passed. Jack twiddled his thumbs, Ezu appeared to have fallen asleep where he sat, and I observed the room we were in.

It was sparsely furnished, with only a large, solid looking table in the center of the room, surrounded by matching chairs; an empty, sooty fireplace directly to our left; the chairs we sat in plus a few more scattered around the room; What appeared to be a deer's head mounted directly above said fireplace; a large black cauldron IN the fireplace, which was beginning to look quite crowded; and a fur rug on the floor at our feet. I vaguely wondered who this Hans man was, and what story he was from. I remembered there being a ton of stories about a man named Hans, it was a very popular name at the time. I also remembered most of the Hans' being utter idiots.

"If you still have to... erm... take care of your business... Rikki... There should be somewhere to do that outside in the back." Ezu muttered without opening his eyes, or even moving at all.

"Gee, thanks." I shot back quietly, but I rose anyways and uncertainly made my way towards a back door; not the one Hans disappeared through --that no doubt led to the cellar-- but the one beside it.

"Wait, I'll come with you if you're nervous, Rikki." Jack said, rising from his seat.

"I doubt even I could get into too much trouble by simply going to the bathroom, thank you very much." I told him, a little harshly.

"Sorry, sorry. I was only offering." Jack defended himself, sitting back down. I rolled my eyes, and opened the back door, stepping into the cold night air.

I glanced around, desperately trying to spot anything that looked like an outhouse. I didn't know exactly what people in this time period used as bathroom --or for that matter, what time period I was even in-- but I sincerely hoped it wasn't just a pile of dirt behind the house.

My gaze passed over a well, a row of farming tools hanging on the wall, and what may have been a small stable in the distance, until it finally, thankfully, alighted on a small, upstanding structure, just large enough for one person a good ways away from the house itself.

I prayed this was the outhouse and hurriedly made towards it, though keeping a wary eye and ear out for any untoward movements or noises that may signal danger.

I know I had told Jack I could make it there and back without trouble, but then again, so far I hadn't really made it anywhere without trouble. Maybe I should have let him come...

But it was too late now, I was there. I took a deep breath and l pulled open the door and stepped in.

I gagged, and had to resist the urge to run out of the shack. Yeah, this was indeed the crapper. The stench was unbearable. I normally have a pretty strong stomach, and when I was still, you know, on earth or wherever, my family used to go camping a lot, so I was pretty used to lousy outhouses. But this was beyond bad. The putrid smell was more than enough to make me dry heave a couple of times, and my only saving grace was the fact that I hadn't eaten in several hours. Unfortunately, I really, really had to pee, and I sure wasn't going to go find a tree or a bush, not when that tree or bush could very well be an enchanted prince or something. So I steeled my nerves, took a breath, and did what had to be done, before I wet my pants.

I took a deep, relieved breath as I stepped out of the outhouse. The cool night air smelled sweet and refreshing compared to the hell I had just endured. I hurried back to the house, where I hoped something to drink and a hot meal might be waiting. The only thing I had eaten in days was bread, cheese, and toughened, jerky-like meat. Not that I was complaining, but earlier that day when the three of us had rested for a moment to fill our stomachs, I was painfully aware that this was most likely going to be our diet for a long, long time.

However, luckily, when I stepped into Hans' house, the first thing I noticed was the warm scent of something cooking waft towards me. I inhaled gratefully, and hurried forward, finding Jack and Ezu reclining exactly where they had been when I had left, and Hans sitting in a seat of his own across from them. They all had mugs of something clutched in their hands and were talking quietly amongst each other, at first not noticing my reappearance. Then Ezu, who had been staring intently into the depths of his cup, glanced up and spotted me standing there.

"Oh, Rikki, you're back!" He said cheerfully, rising to his feet and coming over to me. "We were beginning to worry you had fallen in." He said with mock sincerity, and he took my arm and led me back to my seat. I repressed the urge to elbow him in the gut, vainly wishing Bipolar medication had been invented where/whenever I was.

Ezu sat me down, and handed me a mug similar to that of his own.

"Drink up. It'll do you good." He said, collapsing back in his chair. I eyed the drink suspiciously. It was quite obviously beer, and despite my own moral squirms about being underage, the smell of beer had always sickened me, and I doubted I would be much fonder of the taste.

"Um... I don't think I'm terribly thirsty..." I said, holding the drink slightly away from myself.

"Trust me, you'll feel much better with a little something to drink in your stomach. Hans put what was left of his dinner back on the fire for us, and it will be done in no time. Then you can get some sleep." Ezu said reassuringly. I had to admit, when he said it like that, it sounded very convincing. I sighed, shrugged, and took a tiny sip of my beer.

And gagged, chocking, almost immediately. It was awful. Evidently, the brewing technique all the way back when wasn't quite as refined as it is in modern times, and the thick, fermented liquid before me was far worse than any of the little sip of beer I had previously taken from my father. Yet even as I gagged, and Jack, Ezu, and Hans laughed at me, I could feel the trickled of warmth from my tiny sip spread throughout my body. Ezu was right, I did feel better, if only by a little bit. I was already so worn out, and on an empty stomach, (and it also may have had something to do with me having an alcohol tolerance of a little girl) that a little bit went a long way in calming my nerves and relaxing my body. So I grimaced, but took another sip, trying to keep this one down.

"Anyway Hans, as I was saying," Ezu continued after he had the good grace to stop snickering at the faces I was making, "We decided that you would be our best bet at finding out where this kingdom is, so we set out for here. We made pretty good time, so we can probably sort everything out in the morning instead of tonight, so we can get some sleep." Ezu took a swing of his beer, and swirled his cup around for a few seconds in silence.

"Hey, where's Else?" He finally said, curiously. Hans gave a gruff bark of laughter.

"Oh, her. Some 'Clever Else' she was. I sent her off. Let her go find someone else who's willing to deal with that nut, I say."

"Really? What happened?" Ezu asked interestedly.

"Well, it wasn't too long after I had married the girl. One day I had to go to work in the town, so I told Else that while I was gone, she should go into the field to cut some corn, so we could have bread. She said she would, so I left. I get back just before dark, and see she hadn't come home yet. At first I figured she was working so hard, she lost track of the time, and let me tell you, I was pretty proud of her being so industrious. But then night fell, and she still hadn't returned. So I set out for the fields to see where she was and how much corn she had cut, but would you know it, she hadn't done a single thing! I found her lying asleep in the corn, snoring like you wouldn’t believe." Hans shook his head in disgust.

"What did you do?" Jack asked, who was also listening to Hans' story with interest.

"Well, I ran back home, and grabbed a bird net, and tied a bunch of little bells all over it, so it made such loud noise every time it moved that you couldn't hear yourself think. I went back to Else and tied it to her. Of course the lazy girl kept right on sleeping, and had no idea. I went back home, and waited. Some hours later, I can hear her knocking on the door, asking if Else was inside. The silly creature wasn't even sure of who she was! So I told her Else was already home, and she ran off the ask the neighbors who she was, but no one would open their doors because she jingled with those bells like a madman. Last I heard of her she ran off to some other village." Hans finished, leaning back in his chair.

Ezu and Jack congratulated him on his quick thinking, but I just sat there and blinked at Hans, dumbfounded.

"That seems a little harsh, doesn't it?" I finally asked, unsure of how to take this piece of information. I mean, I knew that stuff like this happened all the time in your average fairy tale, but now this was an actual person this happened to, and it seemed... well, draconian to say the least. Hans, however, seemed to think I was the crazy one here.

"Well, what was I supposed to do? If she didn't do her job, then we would have no bread to eat unless I did all the work, and that is hardly fair, is it? If she wasn't going to do her part, then she was a poor wife, and I wasn't going to stay married to her. Let her go find someone else who will actually want to deal with her constant crying and lazing about." He said matter of factly. I frowned, but said nothing. I suppose it made sense... in a crazy, illogical sort of way. Evidently, it was going to take me longer than I thought get the hang of this whole fairy tale world and it's bizarre rules. I made a promise to myself to reread all the stories in the Book later tonight, so I wouldn't be quite as surprised next time something like this happened.

Ezu seemed to sense my discomfort. He leaned towards me with a funny look on his face.

"We'll talk about this later." He said quietly in my ear. I nodded, and let the subject slide.

"Well, how about some supper then!" Ezu said louder, clapping his hands together enthusiastically.

"Of course, of course!" Hans said, standing up and crossing the room to the fireplace. On his way, he grabbed the three wooden bowls that had been set out on the table, and a huge metal soup ladle. He poured lavish amounts of whatever was in the pot, which looked lie a stew of some sort, into each bowl, and precariously carried them back over to the three of us. I muttered thank you when I was handed mine, and inspected it carefully.

It appeared just to be your average meat based soup, thick with broth and corn. Hans vanished back behind a door that led to who knows where, and reappeared with spoons and a loaf of bread. He split the bread roughly into three pieces and distributed each piece, and them passed around the spoons.

There were a few minutes of silence as Jack, Ezu, and I gratefully dug into our meals. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it actually tasted very good, and though the bread was a little stale, it was barely noticeable when you let it soak in the broth. In fact, I hadn't even noticed how hungry I really was until Hans was serving all of us our second serving, and that went down almost as fast as the first.

"You three must be famished! What have you been doing out there?" Hans said in awe as Jack, the last one finished, popped the final chunk of meat into his mouth and swallowed audibly.

"Oh you know, the usual." Ezu said with a contented sigh. "Battling wolves, fighting off Giants, and just saving the world in general."

"Hm. Why is it I can always expect to find you on my doorstep with an empty stomach and a wild story, Ezu?" Hans grunted, shaking his head.

"Because, life for you would be much more dull if I wasn't around. But there won't be any more stories tonight. We're exhausted, and some sleep would be greatly appreciated." Ezu said, standing up. He offered me his hand and I took it, forgetting for once my fiery pride in my happy, warm stupor. "Is there anywhere we can rest for the night?" Ezu asked Hans. Hans rose stiffly to his feet as well.

"Yeah. I have an extra room in the back. There's only one bed, so figuring that out is up to you." He said. He led us through a door and into a smallish room, with bare, wooden floors, and a single bed pushed up against the wall. Hans pulled one of the extra blankets off the bed and tossed it on the floor.

"It gets pretty cold at night, but morning is already on it's way, so it shouldn't be too bad. I'll see you in the morning." Hans said, and without waiting for a reply, he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Jack, Ezu, and I stood in the middle of the room, all looking at one another.

"Well, I guess it's pretty obvious that Rikki gets the bed." Jack said, glancing at Ezu.

"Of course," Ezu replied, matter of factly. I shrugged. I didn't have enough energy to argue with their sexist opinions. And besides, that bed did look awfully comfortable after a long day trekking through the forest...

I walked over to the bed and crawled in, pulling the itchy wool blanket up to my chin. I watched with mild, sleepy amusement as Ezu and Jack argued over their own sleeping arrangement, before my eyes blinked shut for a final time, and I didn't open them again until the next morning.