Little Red Cinderella and the Three Beanstalks

Previously...

"'A tower of cornsilk hair, with a prince, blinded by love. Kissed by roses and blushed by snow, a lady surrounded by seven knights. A princess trapped in an endless dream, a rose, surrounded by poison thorns.'," Jack recited smoothly. I scribbled them all down, and sat back to give them a long, hard look over.
"Pumpkins and glass; cornsilk hair and blinded princes; roses, snow, and seven knights; endless dreams and thorns." I muttered under my breath, thinking hard. "They're all fairytales, right?"
Pumpkins.
"Cinderella-"
Cornsilk hair.
"Rapunzel-"
Seven Knights.
"Snow White-"
Endless dreams.
"Sleeping Beauty."
"And a witch." Ezu said.

************************************************************

It's funny how conveniently Fate hands you exactly what you need when you need it most- yet still manages to completely screw you over.
Or maybe it was the fact I was trapped in a story book.
Either way, mere minutes after Jack, Ezu, and I had collectively decided we should rescue the princesses in the order they were listed--meaning dear Cindy was first on the list-- we, by pure "chance", managed to stumble upon a notice board in the middle of the town square. Half hidden under yellowed, old fashioned paper proclaiming sales at Ye Olde Shoe Shoppe and wanted posters that looked suspiciously similar to Ezu with a beard, there was a flier proclaiming that the Prince of the Next Kingdom Over (it was written like that as well-- The Next Kingdom Over. These people certainly weren't very imaginative.) was throwing a fancy ball, to which all the ladies in the land were invited to see if they were fit to be his Royal Wife.
See? So convenient, it felt as if our lives were being penned by a lazy writer.
"There we go, that's Cinderella right there, guys." I said, taping the paper.
"How do you know?" Jack asked, peering at the notice board. "It looks kinda like Ezu to me..."
"Not that!" I pulled the flier from the board and waved it in his face. "This!"
"Oh," Jack took it from me and scrutinized it. He didn't look much more convinced than he had before. "How do you know?" He repeated. I sighed.
"It fits. The Prince, the Ball, the wife thing. It's our best bet." I shrugged. Jack looked down at me and frowned.
"It fits?" He asked. "It fits what?"
Oh. Right. I still hadn't told him all about the whole "I got myself sucked into an imaginary fairy tale world come-to-life" thing. Actually, I was pretty surprised we'd managed to get this far without him asking any awkward questions. You'd think he'd have noticed something was off when the Gypsy started talking about how my "presence" messed up the balance of the world...
"Rikki? Rikki!" Jack's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. "You're drifting again."
"Oh? Oh. Right. Sorry." I shook my head, clearing my thoughts. "It's a long story. I'll explain later. For now, just roll with it."
"I've been 'rolling with it' for a while now. Sooner or later, you've got to tell me what's been going on." He insisted, frowning severely at me. I waved him off.
"Alright, alright. As soon as we take care of this mess. But at this moment, we've got to figure out the quickest way to get to the... erm, Next Kingdom Over." I said, glancing down at the flier.
"What do you think it's called when you are actually there?" Ezu asked, thoughtfully.
"That doesn't matter right now!" I replied, glaring at him. "We don't have time to worry about what what's called where. We've only got seven days to rescue four princesses, and stop a witch. We don't even know where any of the princesses are, or how we are supposed to rescue them, let alone anything about this witch lady. We can't afford to lose any time."
"Okay, okay, I get it," Ezu replied, holding his hands up defensively. "No messing around. I get it." He rolled his eyes. I let it slide this time.
"Well," I went on, looking back down at the flier, "If it is only the next Kingdom over, it shouldn't take too long to get there even on foot. Still, it would suck to run into any trouble and get held up because we can't seem to break our impressive streak of terrible luck and got eaten by wolves or something on our way there. Too bad the Black Thief isn't here..." I trailed off thoughtfully.
"Oh yes, what a shame," Ezu snorted, with more than a touch of contempt in his tone. "He's all but a Prince himself, with his timely rescues and rugged good looks-"
I rolled up the flier like a newspaper and smacked Ezu with it, cutting him off mid-rant.
"Don't be such a baby, and stop sending mixed signals." I scolded him, glaring.
"What do you mean, 'mixed signals'?" He shot back indignantly.
"You know exactly what I mean, and don't pretend like you don't!" I raised the flier to swat him again.
"Well if you think I know it, then you shouldn't have a problem saying it! So out with it, woman!" He tired to snatch the paper away form me, but I held it just out of his reach.
"Oh no, you're not getting me to admit it that easily! And don't call me 'woman', you pig!" I retorted, slapping at his groping fingers.
"What in the world are you two doing?" Jack cut in, staring at us as if we had caught a bad case of the stupid. Ezu, who was standing on his tiptoes with one hand pushing my down by the top of my head and the other reaching over me to grab the flier that I was desperately holding out of his reach behind me, and I exchanged a guilty look and pulled away from each other abruptly.
"Nothing." "Nothing at all." We replied innocently. Jack groaned and rolled his eyes.
"I don't think I've ever seen two people so stubborn. We'll never rescue anyone at this rate." He lamented melodramatically.
"Oh come on," I huffed, un-crumpling the now forlorn-looking flier, "We're not that bad. Besides, he's the one who starts it." I jerked a thumb at Ezu.
"I am not!" He snapped heatedly. "Remember missy, I've gotten myself attacked by giants and wolves, sick with pneumonia, twisted an ankle, dislocated my shoulder, and nearly broken my nose for you. I think I'm entitled to be a little stubborn now and then." Ezu pointed out.
"Well it's not my fault I happen to attract every dangerous situation with in a hundred miles. Besides, you didn't have to come along!" I retorted, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Of course I did!" Ezu insisted with a glare.
"Why?" I demanded, stony faced.
"You know perfectly well why!" He hissed, as unwilling to say it as I was.
"I'm lost again." Jack's voice cut in, interrupting us yet again.
After a moment, I sighed and tore my eyes away from Ezu, running a hand through my hair distractedly. "Alright, alright. This isn't the time nor the place. We have princesses to be rescuing."
Ezu groaned.
"What now?" I said in exasperation.
"I hate Princesses. Haven't I mentioned this before? Princesses mean Princes." He glowered and kicked at the dirt.
"Yeah, you've mentioned it before. Along with hating giants, soldiers, women, vegetables, and itchy socks. But we've got a world to rescue, and I'm willing to bet you'll hate evil Queens even more than Princes or whatever." I replied, but in a gentler tone of voice. I suspected Ezu's issues with Princes ran a lot deeper than I knew. "So if we're all ready to go save the world, I suppose we'd better get on it." I held out my hand, palm down, between Jack and Ezu, and looked up at them expectantly. After a hesitant moment, Jack placed his hand on top of mine, not sure if he was doing it right. Ezu bit his lip, then rolled his eyes and put is hand on top of Jack's. "To save the world or bust!" I said cheerfully.
"Or bust," Jack and Ezu echoed with significant less cheer.

~\*/~

"Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho, Hi ho, It's off to work we go-" Here was my rather pathetic attempt at whistling "-Hi ho, Hi ho, Hi ho hi ho!"
"Please Rikki, you've been singing that one line over and over again for god knows how long!" Ezu pleaded, clamping his hands over his ears.

We were currently trekking down the hot, dusty road that led from King Francis' Kingdom to the Next Kingdom Over, and in an effort to lighten the dark mood that had washed over us all, I had broken out into song. From Snow White. It seemed appropriate.
"I'm just trying to get in the mood!" I replied, affronted. "Besides, that's the only part of the song I remember."
"I kinda like it," Jack, who had been humming along with me, said.
"You would," Ezu snorted.
"Fine." I said with as much pride as I could muster. "You don't appreciate cultural Dwarf Music. I get it." I searched through my not-unimpressive repertoire of musical numbers. "How about this one then?
"We're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!We hear he is a whiz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was, if ever oh ever a wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is one because, because because because because!!!! Because of the Wonderful things he does! Oh-"
"Rikki!" Ezu interrupted me sharply. "We're not even going to see a wizard! That song makes no sense! Where are you getting these things from anyways?"
"My childhood." I sniffed huffily. "So don't knock it." Ezu rolled his eyes.
Well, your singing sucks anyways." He muttered.
"Oh yeah? Well, your social skills suck." I shot back.
"My social skills do not suck."
"Yes, yes they do. Your frontal lobe is like a shriveled up raisin. I'm surprised you can even function in society."
"...At least I can hold a tune."
"I have a crappy voice, you're mentally stunted. We all have problems."

We both fell silent, fuming.
After a moment or awkward silence--

"Oh, well, now it's too quiet!" Ezu snapped suddenly, glaring pointedly at me.
"Oh? What's that?" I asked innocently, cupping a hand to my ear. "Is that an Ezu-pology?"
"A what?"
"An Ezu-pology. You're saying sorry without actually saying sorry."
"I am not!"
"Are too. You feel bad for telling me my singing sucks."
"No! It's just too quiet is all!"
"I'll accept your Ezu-pology-- if you sing with me."
"I am not singing with you."
"Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase! Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze!" I did a little jig in the middle of the road, my dancing about as good as my singing. "It means no worries for the rest of your days! Come on, Ezu! Hakuna Matata!"
"No!" He stomped his foot childishly.
"It's our problem-free philosophy-- come on, Jack, you'll sing it with me, won't you?" I grabbed Jack by his hands and spun him around, keeping one eye on Ezu the whole time.
"Of course! What is it? Hakuna Matata?" Jack laughed.
"That's right!"
"Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase--"
"Fine, I'll sing!" Ezu snapped. He was so easy.
"Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze!" I sang with as much feeling as I could muster.
"It means no worries! For the rest of your days!" Ezu belted, and I nearly tripped over my own feet. "It's our problem free! Philosophy! Hakuna Matata!"
The boy could sing too? Like a goddammned angel. I was gonna kill him.

But not before I had painstakingly taught both boys a dozen more Disney songs, plus half the soundtrack to Quest for Camelot. I made Ezu sing "I Stand Alone" three times before he cottoned on and refused to sing anymore.

Surprisingly, during that blissfully uneventful time, nothing bad happened at all. I didn't so much as trip over a rock while we experienced our first truly relaxing hours in days. I should have known it was too good to last.

King Philip's Kingdom had long since disappeared from view, and the only signs of the Next Kingdom Over were a few worn stone markers indicating how many more miles were had to journey. Apart from us, there wasn't a soul around. Not so much as a rabbit had crossed our paths since we had first set out, and even the birds in the trees had seemed to take a vacation. The three of us were in the middle of the climactic finish of "Poor Unfortunate Souls" when without warning, Ezu abruptly cut off mid-note and stumbled to a halt, one arm reaching out to stop me and the other drawing his sword from his scabbard in one smooth motion.
"Ezu?" I asked, pushing his arm away from my chest. "What is it?"
"Shush..." He hushed me brusquely, staring intently into the darkness of the shadowy forest that lined the left side of the road. I fell silent at once, and Jack started reaching for his own sword.
Suddenly, Ezu relaxed.
"No, never mind." He said, with a sigh of obvious relief.
"What? What was it?" I asked, nonplussed.
"Nothing." He shook his head. "I just thought I heard--"

At the moment, something large, grey and furry burst from the woods, rolling in a heap across the road and landing directly in front of us. Jack shouted and drew his sword, and Ezu grabbed me, pulling me towards him with a snarl and brandished his own weapon at the newcomer. The thing began pushing itself up off the ground, but as it did so Ezu gave a sudden cry and clutched me closer to his chest, effectively smothering me.
"Jack!" He shouted, keeping the point of his sword level with the creature, "Don't let it up! Kill it if you have to! Now!"
Jack leaped forwards, pushing the thing down to the ground with his boot.
"What in the--" I managed to splutter, and tried to pry myself out of Ezu's iron grip.
It wasn't working.
"Ezu... Ezu! You're smothering me!" I said in a muffled voice. Ezu slackened his grip just enough to let me breathe properly, but not enough for me escape.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I demanded, squirming against him. "And what's going on? What is that thing? Why are we attacking it? And why won't you let me help?"
"You're not going anywhere near that thing, Rikki." Ezu snarled, fixing me with such an intense glare that I quailed for a moment. "And so help me, if you try, I'll make sure you regret it."
I glanced over his arm in shock at the thing Jack had pinned down. What in the world could make Ezu react so strongly as to--
And then I caught sight of the furry muzzle, the lashing tail.

A wolf.

"Wha- a wolf?" I stuttered.
"Jack, kill it." Ezu ordered, his voice as cold as ice. Jack glanced up at Ezu with a sharp intake of breath.
"Ezu, I don't know if I can," He replied, his lips a thin line. Ezu barred his teeth.
"Don't be like that. It's only a damn wolf. A pest." He spat the word out. "It's probably killed countless people- humans, Jack, children. It's vermin. Kill it!"
"Ezu, just relax, I've got this under control, you're panicking-"
"Panicking? I've seen what these monsters can do! And so have you! If you don't kill it, then I will!" Ezu snarled, the hate dripping from his words.
"Why is it wearing pants?" I pipped in.
"Ezu, you can't-- what?" Jack stopped mid-entreaty, glancing back down at the wolf beneath his boot. He blinked. "...Why is it wearing pants?" He echoed.
"Pants?" Ezu snarled. "Don't be ridicu-- oh." He had spotted them too; a rather fine pair of red velvet pants, trimmed with yellow embroidery and held in place over the wolf's shoulders by a matching pair of suspenders.
"It's got a sign, too," I added, pointing to the sign it held grasped in one paw. "I think you'd better let him up." I advised Jack.
Jack looked from me, to the wolf, and to Ezu. When Ezu seemed too stunned to argue, Jack slowly, carefully lifted his foot from the wolf's back, keeping his sword pointed at the creature's throat. As soon as the weight was lifted, the wolf began to cough and splutter, and unsteadily picked itself up from the ground, wiping the dirt from it's trousers with its paws.
"Well I never!" It said indignantly, stooping down to retrieve its fallen sign. "This has turned out to be one fine day!" It went of sarcastically, and glared down the point of Jack's sword. "And I'd very much appreciate it, sir, if you would point that thing somewhere else. Honestly."
Jack, too shocked to do much else, obeyed.
"Oh God," Ezu moaned, finally having found his voice. "It talks. I hate it when they talk." He let go of me and shoved me behind his back, putting himself between me and the wolf. He flourished his sword and crouched into a fighting position. "It's harder to kill them when they plead for their lives."
"Ezu!" I shrieked, jumping forwards and grabbing him by his collar, jerking him back. He gagged and nearly dropped his sword.
"Rikki, what are you-" He garbled, trying to pry my death grip on his collar loose.
"It's wearing pants, Ezu!" I pointed out redundantly. Ezu stopped his squirming and gave me an incredulous look.
"Yes, we've established that. It will look very posh while it is tearing us limb from limb, unless you let me go and kill it. Understand?" He tugged uselessly at his shirt.
"No! I mean, yes! But no!" I stomped my foot and let go of him, making him stumbled backwards several steps and almost loose his balance. "That's the point! It isn't eating us! See?" I pointed at Jack, who was standing beside the wolf- who stood nearly as tall as him on its two hind legs- his his arms slack at his side, looking too confused to tie his own shoes let alone fight off a ravenous wolf. The Wolf, for it's part, was simply standing beside Jack, an indignant expression plastered over its furry face.
"I'm not eating anyone, believe you me." It said sharply. "People give me terrible indigestion. Besides, this sort of thing is exactly what I'm fighting. It would be detrimental to my cause if I went and ate you. Even if you did attack me for no reason."
"For no reason?" Ezu scoffed. "You're a wolf! A vicious, murderous, ravenous wolf! You leaped out at us, you tried to attack us!"
"I did not!" The wolf replied indignantly. "I was being chased by three vicious little brats of children, and tripped into the road, where you promptly attacked me!"
"Children?" Ezu mocked. "You were being attacked by children? That's likely. What, were you on your way to go have tea with some orphaned baby goats while you were at it?"
"Ezu, shut up, will you?" I grabbed him by his sleeve and pulled him down so I could hiss in his ear. "Ravenous or not, you're not winning yourself any kudo points by antagonizing it!" Before Ezu could go on, I turned to the wolf and asked, "You said something about a cause? What cause is that?"
"Rikki, don't talk to it!" Ezu pleaded, practically shaking me in exasperation.
"Ezu, wolves who wear pants don't eat people. Trust me." I shook him off, and turned back to the wolf. "What cause?" I repeated. The wolf drew itself up and help up it's sign- which I now saw was a picket sign.
"The Big Bad Wolf Syndrome Liberation Front." He said proudly. His sign, I noticed, read "Don't Blow Down Our Rights".
"The... Big Bad Wolf Syndrome Liberation Front?" I echoed, uncertainly.
"Yes." He nodded. "The BBWSLF for short. You see, us wolves have suffered no end of oppression and Speciesism for centuries, simply for because of what we are. Because of a few bad eggs in the bunch-- maybe a granny eating here or there or terrorizing some pigs-- the entire wolf image has been damaged beyond repair. Now every time someone sees a wolf, they say 'Oh no! Watch out, it's going to eat your children!' or some other silly nonsense like that, without even bothering to meet the wolf in question first. You'd find that is people would just sit down and talk their differences out, a lot of this stereotypical nonsense could be avoided. Not all wolves are Big or Bad, you know."
"I... oh really?" I managed after a moment, not entirely sure what else to say.
"Really." The wolf insisted vehemently. "Many of us don't even like eating people. Too stringy. So I, among others, decided to set up a union and petition for us Wolves's rights to be recognized. Now I'm not being unreasonable here," He added hastily, pressing his ears flat against his head almost apologetically. "I know that there are plenty of nasty wolves out there. But I believe that with thorough background checks and a three-strike system, that--"
"I can't take this anymore." Ezu broke in, his face an expressionless mask. He spun on his heel and marched to the far end of the road, and sank to the ground with his back against a tree, his face buried in his hands. The wolf blinked.
"What's his problem?" It asked.
"Erm, his family was eaten by... wolves." I explained, glancing worriedly at Ezu. The Wolf made a sympathetic noise in the back of it's throat.
"Pity. You see, this is exactly why a panel of judges composed of ordinary citizens to declare sentences over law-breaking wolves would be so beneficial to--"

I left the Wolf to rant to Jack, who actually seemed rather interested in what the creature had to say, and hastened across the road to Ezu's side.
He wasn't crying, I noticed thankfully as I drew up beside him. He was simply sitting stoically n the ground, his face hidden.
"Ezu?" I asked softly. He didn't reply. I sank to the ground beside him. "Look, I know this is more than a little weird, and probably incredibly awkward for you, but--"
"Really?" Ezu cut me off abruptly, jerking his head up and fixing me with a red-rimmed glare. "Do you really know? Do you have any idea? What's like to be preached at by the thing that... that..." He hissed in a breath through his teeth, unable to go on.
"Oh Ezu," I breathed, my heart aching for him, and I wrapped him in an awkward hug.
It was strange, to be sitting like this-- me, comforting a broken Ezu for once instead of the other way around. But I owed him, for all the times he put up with my breakdowns and told me everything was going to be okay, when he couldn't do anything else.
"Ezu, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know it hurts- believe me, I know it does, but this isn't the wolf that hurt your family. You can't blame this wolf. He's trying to stop this sort of thing, he's fighting the same fight you are. He probably understands better than anyone. You don't have to let it go-- god knows you don't have to forgive anyone for what happened. But you can't blame the innocent. You can't let your anger hurt those close to you."
There was a moment of silence. I could hear the Wolf and Jack still discussing the Wolf's plans under Ezu's heavy breathing.
Finally he pulled away, his mismatched eyes closed as he tried to steady his breathing.
"I hate it when you do that." He said hoarsely.
"Do what?" I asked, watching him closely.
"Catch me at my weakest moment and make me think reasonably." He raised a hand to wipe his dry eyes. "I don't think I've said more than a dozen words to anyone before you showed up on my doorstep. Then you had to come and make me forget who I was trying to be."
"Are you mad at me?" I asked, not sure if I wanted him to answer.
"...No." He said after a moment, leaning his head back against the tree trunk without breaking eye contact with me. "In fact," His voice dropped low, to a hoarse whisper, and I leaned in closer ever so slightly, "I think--"

"Hey guys, you won't believe this!" Jack's voice suddenly cut in, slicing through mine and Ezu's haze like a hot knife through butter.
"God dammit Jack!" I hurled the first rock I could find at Jack's head. He just barely dodged it, and it whizzed past him only to smack the wolf firmly in the side of the head instead.
"Hey!" It protested angrily.
I pushed myself to my feet in a huff, ignoring Ezu's sudden outburst of laughter.
"What? What did I do?" Jack asked, nonplussed.
"You're dead to me, Jack!" I barked over my shoulder without looking at him.
"Why? I don't understand-" Jack floundered helplessly.
"Go on and tell him, Rikki!" Ezu choked out through gales of laughter.
I flipped him off.
"Come on love, don't be like that!" He giggled.
"Don't you dare call me that!" I warned. "And I thought you were supposed to be all bent out of shape and emotionally defunct!" I reminded him with a sneer.
"That was before you threw a rock at Jack's head."
"I don't see what that has to do with anything."
"I can't believe it. You were about to-"
"I was not!"
"You so were! You certainly weren't hesitating!"
"You started it!"
"And you were about to finish it."
"You were manipulating me!"
"And you were more than willing to be manipulated."
"I'm not admitting it."
"I never said you were."
"You were thinking it."
"I'm always thinking about it."
"Was that a confession?"
"Not in a million years."
"Fine."
"Fine."

"Are they always like this?" The wolf asked Jack under his breath.
"You know, you're the second person to ask me that." Jack replied thoughtfully. "And no, actually. This is a new thing. But it's the third time today. I'm starting to sense a pattern."
"You're imagining things." I snapped at Jack. "Now what was so important that it just couldn't wait?"
Jack held his hands up defensively. "Ouch. You practically burned me with that tone right there. Hell hath no fury like Rikki scorned-"
"Just get on with it," I growled.
"Alright, alright. Wolfy here-"
"Alfred." The wolf cut in helpfully.
"Alfred," Jack amended, glancing sideways at the wolf before continuing, "Says he knows the way to the Next Kingdom Over. In fact, he says he was just on his way there himself, to try to petition before the King."
"So?" I glowered.
"Sooo, he can help get us there quicker, and with less interruptions. Not many things will be likely to try to attack us if we're traveling with a wolf- even a Pacifist one." Jack explained, sounding very proud of himself.
"I don't care, as long as he stands between me and him." I demanded, pointing accusingly at Ezu.
"Aw, come on Rikki," Ezu implored, though his beseeching tone was slightly marred by the goofy grin still plastered over his face.
"No way." I retorted coldly. "Three mood swings are enough for me for one day. You'd better be good and over your issues, because you're not getting anymore sympathy out of me."
Ezu sighed, and pushed back his sand colored hair from his face.
"You make this way too difficult." He said, shaking his head.
"Me?" I scoffed. "I'm not the one--"
Completely ignoring my shrill protests, Ezu went up to the wolf- Alfred- and sheathed his sword, reaching out a hand stony faced towards him.
"I'm not necessarily happy about this," He began, and you could practically see him straining to swallow his pride and pent up years of hurt, "But a very smart- if overly emotional- someone told me that putting my anger on the wrong shoulders would only hurt those I love. And that's something I could never do. So until we get to The Next Kingdom Over, I'll fight along side you instead of against you if I must, Mr... Alfred."
The wolf surveyed Ezu for a long moment, as if trying to tell if he was lying or not. But after a while, he reached out a furry paw and shook Ezu's hand.
"It's a pleasure," He said, his great white teeth clicking together disconcertingly, and he inclined his head slightly in a predator's bow.