Little Red Cinderella and the Three Beanstalks

“The cruel Queen continued to rule her people in a shameful, neglectful manner, letting them starve so she could be treated to only the finest foods and drink; forcing them into poverty so she could gather their wealth to spend on the finest jewels and gowns; and disfiguring the faces of all the young girls in her kingdom, so that she might remain the most beautiful. With Snow-White trapped in her obsidian coffin, the queen’s power remains unbreakable. Unless, of course, Miss Collins and her noble Knights stop wasting valuable time and break the spell.”

A long moment of silence passed over us.

“Oh yeah?” I finally snapped, shouting at the Book. “Well there wouldn’t be any valuable time to waste if you hadn’t gotten me into this mess in the first place!” I slammed the tome shut, hiding the twisted words of Snow White, now titled The Obsidian Coffin, from the world.

“Rikki, relax, it’s just a book,” Jack said, trying to wrench it out of my vice-like grasp.

“That’s just what it wants you to think!” I snarled.

“Oh, hell,” Ezu sighed. “I hope those dwarfs are ready for this.”

*********************************************************************************

If someone were to ask me, after this entire ridiculous endeavor was over, what the worst part of saving the world was, I’d tell them it was the walking.

Not the evil murderous sorceresses; not the stress of sleepless nights and ever hungry stomachs; or even the almost painful stupidity of the very people we were supposed to be rescuing. No, it would definitely be the hours upon hours of mind-numbingly dull walking.

I will try to spare you the details for your own sake, but just know that after three hours of stumbling through forest undergrowth, following what most definitely wasn’t any type of path despite Ezu’s insistence that he knew where he was going, my feet were killing me and I had begun laying out plans to have a public transportation system installed all across this horrid place once this whole “saving the world” mess was over and done with.

Ah well. It could be worse, I thought, trying to look on the bright side. "At least the weather is nice," I said aloud, almost cheerfully.

Or tried to, anyways. The second the words fell from my lips, both Jack and Ezu screamed "No!" at the same moment and lunged at me, slapping their hands over my mouth, but it was too late. There was a booming clap of thunder, and a downpour of freezing rain began to soak us to the bones.

“Thank a lot, Rikki,” Ezu grumbled.

“‘The weather is nice’ she says, ‘It could be worse’, she says,” Jack muttered under his breath.

There was no point in apologizing, the damage was done.

We sloshed through the mud and rain, getting our brand new clothes soaked and caked in dirt.

“So, do you have a grand plan now, Miss ‘We Should Totally Save The World, It Can’t Be That Hard, Can It?’” Ezu asked.

“As a matter of fact, I totally do,” I replied cooly. “And it’s one that has a 45% chance of not going horribly wrong, so there’s an improvement.”

“And what’s the chance we’ll all come out of it alive?”

“That’s not important. So, we obviously can’t face the evil Queen alone; I mean, she’s got all these crazy witch powers, and if we just tried kicking down the front door and laying siege on the place, we’ll be in big trouble. So I figure we have to start making allies, right? That’s why I figure the first thing we do is head over to the Seven Dwarves’ house and get them to help us.”

“Why, that hardly sounds like it can go wrong at all,” Ezu said in mock cheerfulness. I shook a fist threateningly at him.

“I swear to God, Ezu, one more word-”

“I like how spending time with you guys is always such a fun, pleasant experience,” Jack said to himself, taking off one of his shoes and dumping out the growing pool of water in it.



The Queen was beautiful. No, she was more than that. She was radiant, almost unreal in her sublime beauty. Her skin was porcelain, soft and pink and unblemished; and her raven hair pinned at the nape of her neck was thick and glossy. Her wide, dark eyes were framed by soft black lashes, and her lips were full and red. Even the fact that her face was contorted with cruelty couldn’t detract from her loveliness.

She sat nearly alone in her throne room. It was a large, empty space--almost spartan in its barrenness--and every tiny sound she made, every swish of her artfully embroidered gown or click of her nails on the golden armrest of her throne was amplified a hundred times over.

Beside her throne was the only other creature she ever deigned to keep at her side, the only other living being whose hideousness she could stand to look at for longer than a few minutes. The Hunstman lay curled in upon himself on the marble floor, quiet, rumbling growls escaping his throat every time he breathed. A thin band of gold circled his throat, a delicate collar, and a gold chain led from it to the Queen’s throne. It looked as if it would snap at the slightest effort, but the beast wouldn’t, or couldn’t, pull free.

On the wall right beside her throne, a full length oval mirror, gilded with golden roses entwining themselves along the frame, hung. All the Queen had to do was turn her head, and she could admire her loveliness to her heart’s content.

She rose from her seat and glided to the mirror, the picture of poise and elegance. She ran her fingers gently along the mirror’s edge, caressing it as one would a lover.

“Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,” she breathed, and then she tittered a tinkling laugh. “I’d ask who the most hideous of them all is, but we already know the answer to that question, don’t we, my pet?” she said to the Huntsman. He lifted his shaggy head, and rumbled a long, low note. His muzzle twitched. The Queen stared at her reflection, enchanted. “How unfair it is,” she said quietly, half to herself, “that not all the world can see the face of true beauty.” A sudden sneer twisted her features. “Mirror, show me Snow White.”

The surface of the mirror rippled, like disturbed water. When it settled, the image reflected upon it was no longer the Queen’s, but a small room, empty save for a long, gleaming black coffin laying in the center of it.

The room had been built around the coffin, without doors or windows, sealing the black box inside like a tomb. Still, the Queen felt compelled to check it constantly, to be sure that the cold corpse of the lovely Snow White still lay trapped inside. Comforted by the sight of her undisturbed prisoner, the Queen allowed a small, cold smile to grace her lips.

“Now, Mirror, tell me, who is the fairest in all of the land?”

The mirror rippled. The center began bulging, and the impression of a face pushed itself out of the surface.

“You, my Queen, are the fairest of them all,” it said, in a voice that ringed like metal.

The Queen’s smile grew. “And is there anyone whose loveliness shall surpass mine in all the land?”

“There are none,” the mirror intoned.

“And shall I be the fairest forever?” the Queen inquired, knowing the answer.

“No,” the mirror said.

The Queen blanched. For a moment, the throne room was filled with crushing silence. Then the Queen unleashed a furious, banshee shriek, and lashed out at the mirror. “What do you mean?!” she screamed. The mirror was impassive to her outrage, as it was to everything.

“Three come now to topple you from your throne. They seek Snow White, to awaken her from Death’s sleep. If they succeed, you shall fall, and your beauty will be no more.”

The Queen flew into a rage. She screamed and stormed through the throne room like a whirlwind of fury; beating her fists upon walls; tearing hanging the tapestries from the ceiling; and kicking out at the Hunstman, who recoiled, whimpering, from her slipper-clad foot. The door at the far end of the hall was thrown open, and a line of armed guards came running inside, swords and spears at the ready.

“My Queen, are you alright? We heard a commotion,” the Captain of the Guard asked. The Queen grabbed her scepter and hurled it at him. It fell several yards short.

“Get out!” she shrieked. “Get out, all of you! Stop looking at me!” She was livid, her face mottled with fury, and her hair falling out of its carefully pinned place. She looked for something else to throw. “Stop looking at me, you’re making me ugly!” she cried, throwing a vase at her guards, and then toppling over the column it has sat on. “Get out, get out, get out!”

The guards didn’t wait to be told again. They rushed from the room, pushing one another out of the way in their haste. The door slammed shut behind the last of them, leaving the Queen alone once again, with only the Huntsman and the traitorous mirror for company.

The Queen collapsed in a heap onto the ground, and wailed pathetically a few more times. The Huntsman laid his great ears flat against his head, and ran a tongue across his teeth. Her keening cry rose a urge for him to howl as well. The Queen, however, had had enough of her tantrum. She fell silent, and with all the grace she possessed, she rose from the floor and straightened her dress. She approached the mirror once more, whose featureless, expressionless face awaited the return of its master.

“Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,” she said, in a dangerous tone. “Show me those who bring my fall.”

The face sank back into the surface. The mirror rippled once more, and displayed a dark, unclear image. The Queen leaned closer, peering darkly into its depths.

It showed a forest, dark and wet. The trees grew close together and shielded the forest floor from any traces of sunlight. Weaving their way through the undergrowth were three figures; two men and a woman. The image was distorted and distant, but the Queen committed what little she could see of their faces to memory. She felt a twinge of pleasure as she noted that they were all ugly. She turned from the mirror, setting her gaze upon the Huntsman. A cruel smile played across her lips. The creature whined, and shied from her stare.

The Queen floated over to her pet and crouched in front of him, taking his massive head into her hands and forcing him to look at her.

“My dear, darling Huntsman; my pet. I have another job for you.”



Ezu swore he knew where the Seven Dwarves lived. I vaguely remembered him mentioning something about them living “on the other side of the forest” when we first met, but for someone who knew exactly where he was, he seemed pretty darn lost.

He kept making left turns, counting paces, judging how familiar certain trees looked, and saying things like, “of course, it’s right through these trees here--oh. Well, obviously not literally right here, of course, but we’re close. We’re definitely close, I recognize that mossy rock.”

“Have you ever even been to the Dwarves’ house before?” Jack asked, exasperated.

“Er, well...” Ezu began, his ears reddening ever so slightly. My mouth dropped open.

“Are you serious?” I said, frustration threatening to well over physically in the form of my foot planted firmly on his backside.

“I know where it is,” Ezu snapped. “I just haven’t personally been there,” he added, awkwardly.

“So this is how we die,” Jack lamented. “Not at the hands of a power crazed witch or a tyrant king; no. Alone and starving the middle of the forest, where no one will ever find our bodies and our heroic deeds will be forgotten in the darkness that will fall over the known world as our sacred Quest fails in spectacular terms.”

“‘m having some trouble decided who to punch first,” I growled, massaging my knuckles. “Who ever speaks next gets the honor.”

“Ah ha!” Ezu exclaimed, triumphantly.

“I see we have a taker,” I said, drawing back my fist.

“I found it! I told you guys I knew where I was going.”

Luckily for him, Ezu was right. We stumbled into a pristine glade, with tall, vibrant green grasses and a rainbow of wildflowers sprouting from the rich, damp earth. A tiny little thatched cottage sat short and plump in the middle of the clearing, it’s shutters freshly painted and little window boxes on the sills. Smoke was curling out of the chimney, and lights within shone through the windows. It was, well, straight out of a fairy tale.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Jack said, after a moment of silence. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starving.” He marched out towards the house, and after exchanging a glance, Ezu and I followed.

We knocked sharply on the door, and received no answer. Ezu pressed his ear up against the wood and listened for a minute.

“I hear voices,” he said.

“Knock again,” I whispered.

“Why are you whispering?” Jack asked. I punched him in the arm, but mostly because I’d gotten my hopes up earlier and didn’t want to be left hanging.

Ezu knocked again, more forcefully. This time, a gruff voice from inside called out.

“We hear ya, we hear ya! Hold on to yer knickers!”

There was a small commotion, lots of grumbling, a few stomping steps, and the door was thrown open.

A very small man greeted us.

“Oi, what do ya want?” he grunted, peering suspiciously up at us through narrowed eyes.

“Er...” the three of us stammered more or less in unison, rather intimidated by the man’s attitude. We hadn’t really bothered to figure out the specifics of our plan, either, so none of us knew what to say beyond, “Hello there, Mr. Dwarf, I hope you’re ready for a probably dangerous, possibly fatal adventure of which you have been invited to help undertake the daunting task of rescuing the comatose Snow White from her evil stepmother who has put her in a death-like trance; and in doing so we shall also be requesting the aid of your six brethren, and a Prince, whom we still have yet to find and enscript to our purpose. Oh, and if we can’t rescue Snow White by some arbitrary deadline that is probably self-indulgently melodramatic, like by the stroke of midnight of before the next blue moon (which will surely wind up being tomorrow if that is the case); then a terrible, all powerful sorceress will arise from her eternal slumber and put such a blight upon this land that nothing innocent or pure shall ever grace the light of day again.”

Having nothing else spring immediately to mind, I said just that.

The dwarf gazed at me very hard for a long moment after I finished, as if he was trying to decide if I was a liar, or just crazy. Jack and Ezu shifted nervously behind me, clearly unhappy with how I had decided to handle the situation; but if they weren’t going to think of something clever to say before I managed to open my runaway mouth, well, that was their problem.

Finally, the dwarf seemed to thaw a little. Whether he had decided to believe my bizarre story, or, more likely, he assumed we were escaped lunatics and was planning on getting us somewhere inside where we couldn’t do any harm to ourselves while he alerted the proper authorities, I couldn’t tell. But either way, he grunted and stepped aside, ushering us into the little cabin.

Even I had to duck to avoid hitting my forehead on the door frame. Jack looked like a very uncomfortable giant, hunched over, his knees bent, trying not to take up the entire room with his admittedly not terribly compact frame.

We had entered what appeared to be a living room with an attached kitchenette. It was quite quaint, and the fact that everything, from the tiny overstuffed armchairs to the little cast iron pots and pans hanging from the ceiling in the kitchen, was in miniature only made the overall effect a sense of absolute adorableness.

It was a stark contrast to the hostile expressions the dwarves greeted us with.

“Er, hello,” I said with a tentative smile. Their glares deepened.

“Who’s this?” one of the other six dwarves grunted, jerking his thumb at us.

“Some lunatics,” the dwarf who had let us in replied gruffly. I made to protest, but he continued talk over me. “But while she was rambling nonsense, she said something about Snow, about knowing what happened to her.”

The other dwarves’ eyes widened slightly, and they exchanged glances.

“But we already know where Snow is,” one of them said. “That loon, the Queen, has got her, hasn’t she? There ain’t nothing we can do about it now.”

“Tell them what you told me,” the dwarf instructed me. I cleared my throat a little nervously, and repeated what I had said, if a little less melodramatically. All of the men listened in unhappy silence, growing more solemn with every word.

“Well, that hardly does anyone any good, does it?” a dwarf said after a long moment. “I mean, sure, we miss the lass and are sad that the Queen got her grimy hands on her, but we’re just seven dwarfs who barely come up to a human’s waist, and you three... whatever you are. She’s gone, and that’s that.”

“Please, we really need your help,” I begged. “I have a plan to rescue her, but we can’t do it alone. You guys liked her, right? You don’t want the queen to keep her locked up in a coffin forever, right?”

“We told you, lady, there ain’t nothing that we can do. That witch has got powerful magic, she could blast us all to hell with a snap of her fingers. All we would accomplish by storming the castle is adding seven more to the body count.”

“But-” I tried.

“No buts,” the dwarf who answered the door said, glaring at me. “Ain’t you listenin’? We ain’t idiots, and we sure ain’t suicidal. We’ve dealt with that Queen before, and we’ve been lucky so far to escape with our lives.”

“Most of us, anyways,” one dwarf said with a sad look. “There used to e eight of us.”

“Damn right there used to be,” the first dwarf continued. The others all took off their hats in respect for their fallen comrade. “And we’ve seen the things the Queen has done to others who weren’t so lucky to get a quick death. We hear the screams at night, the howls and sobs of things that ain’t entirely man anymore. These woods are populated by her wrath, and we ain’t dumb enough to intentionally direct it on ourselves.”

“Why do you care, anyways?” said another, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at us. “Who are you?”

“We’re...” I trailed off, uncertainly. Explaining this would be even more difficult. “We’re...”

“We’re heroes,” said Jack, coming to the rescue. He tried to look heroic, but it was impeded by the fact that he couldn’t stand up straight. “We’ve been given the quest of saving the world, and we have to rescue Snow White to do it, no matter the cost.”

“Oh, so you didn’t come here out of the goodness of your hearts to save an innocent girl from a wicked sorceress?” yet another dwarf spat. “Oh yes, there’s always an ulterior motive with you hero types. You’re not here because you want to save Snow, this is just another stop on your grand scheme, another obligation to fulfil before you can move onto the fame and riches that surely await you,” he finished venomously. There was a mutter of approval from the others.

“Hey,” I said, stung. “That’s not fair, we-”

“Of course there’s an ulterior motive,” Ezu snapped, interrupting me. “Didn’t you hear us? The world is going to be destroyed. I don’t care a fig about playing matchmaker with some passed out princess, but if the world ends, I’ll be suffering too, and so will you all. This is bigger than any of us, so don’t be so damn righteous.”

“Look here, you pompous little git, if you think for one moment that talking like that will make us-”

“How dense are you? Do you all want to-”

“Come on guys, arguing won’t solve-” Jack tried to interject.

Everyone was arguing now, all nine male voices raised as the fight grew more heated. I sighed, and turned and walked out of the cottage, back into the clearing. This was how things always seemed to turn out, and I just didn’t have the energy to try to moderate all of this again.

The dwarves were obviously terrified of the queen, despite wanting to help Snow White. With the shoddy plan we currently had, there was no way we were going to be able to convince them to join us. And if we couldn’t get a couple of Dwarves on our side, how were we going to convince the Prince? We could always resort to kidnapping again, but there were only so many times that plan would work before it backfired. The odds were stacking ever further against us. How could we possibly hope to save the world at this rate?

The answer came to me while I was swinging upside down by my ankle just on the edge of the Dwarves’ clearing.

I had inadvertently stepped in an old hunter’s trap in my distracted wanderings, and found myself trussed up hanging from a tree. My screams for help and curses of surprise were evidently heard by the occupants of the cottage, because Ezu and Jack came rushing out, all seven of the Dwarves close on their heels.

“Rikki? Rikki, where are you?” Eu called, looking wildly around for me. My heart warmed a little at the sight. He was really worried about me. Then his expression darkened. “What sort of ridiculous, easily avoidable trouble has she gotten herself into now?” he asked Jack a moment later.

“I can hear you, you insensitive git!” I shouted, thrashing wildly. The boys jumped, spotted me, and hastened over. “Now get me down from here, or I swear to God-”

Before I could finish, Ezu had drawn his sword and cut through the rope tied to the base of the tree. I tumbled out of the air, crashing painfully down on top of Jack.

“Swearing isn’t nice,” Ezu said, but he held out his hand and helped me to my feet.

“You’re lucky there are witnesses present,” I hissed under my breath. I brushed myself off with as much dignity as I could muster, and then turned to the gathered Dwarves. “Alright, sirs. I have a proposition for you all,” I began. That certainly caught their attention, if my spill from the tree hadn’t already.

“And what sort of proposition would this be?” said the first dwarf we had met, suspiciously.

“You were quite right in being fearful for your lives, this task will not be an easy one. However, you have all forgotten important fact. The Queen is evil, and Evil never triumphs.” No one seemed terribly comforted by my claim. “But, if that doesn’t convince you, how about this: I have been given a gift, a gift from a fairy. Or a witch of a gypsy or something, I really don’t know exactly what but that doesn’t matter. I can tell you the location of vast amounts of treasure; of any lost cave or secret treasure trove. Mines and dungeons and abandoned castles full to bursting with forgotten gold and jewels beyond measure. If rescuing Snow White and becoming heroes of the realm, to have your story sung through the centuries as the crowning triumph of your people, to have eternal glory and a place beside a king and queen so noble and fair their names are known throughout the lands, if all that isn’t enough to make the risk worth the effort; then I’ll through in the location to a few magical mountains of gold, how about that?”

A moment of silence passed.

“It’s either that, or you whittle away your time here until the Queen invariably decides she isn’t content with the modest size of her current kingdom and begins expanding its territory into the Forest, making you and everything you hold dear her slaves,” I added.

The dwarves grumbled amongst each other for a few moments, and then the first dwarf, who appeared to be the leader, turned back to me and said, “You make a tempting argument. Aye, we’ll consider your terms.”

“Bribery and fear mongering,” Ezu whispered in my ear. “You should have been a politician.”

“Careful,” I hissed back, “All your flattery will go to my head.” I clapped my hands together, and addressed the dwarves again. “So it’s settled then!”

“What? Nothing is settled yet; we said we’d consider-”

“Of course it’s settled! There’s nothing to consider! Now come along, there is a lot to plan.” I moved forwards, wrapping my arm around the Dwarve’s shoulder and leading him unwillingly away, back towards the cottage. “We still have a Prince to convince, and an infiltration to scheme. But first of all, what are all your names? You wouldn’t happen to be called ‘Doc’, would you?”

His name wasn’t Doc. They were called, in order from tallest to shortest: Klaus, Hagen, Heinrich, Kurt, Roland, Konrad, and Frank. They warmed up quickly to my plan once I made it clear they hadn’t little choice but cooperate, or fall victim to the Queen’s wrath. They did not, however, make it an easy job convincing them of the necessity of working in tandem with whatever Prince happened to be closest at hand. It turned out dwarves weren’t much more fond of royalty than wolves or Ezu--or in fact, anyone who wasn’t an eligible young woman. But after a lot more arguing and a little more bribery, a rough plan of attack was drawn up, and the ten of us headed out to catch ourselves another Prince.