Little Red Cinderella and the Three Beanstalks

Previously...

Within the hour, everyone was ready to set off. Jack and Ezu were unhappily sitting too close for comfort together on the same pack horse, the only spare animal available for the boys. The seven dwarves were all sitting in front of various soldiers, and I was behind Roland, my arms wrapped tightly around his waist as I remembered that I wasn’t a terribly big fan of horses. We headed across the valley, towards the forest and the Mountains, where the tunnel system hopefully waited for us. The entire party was quiet, everyone concerned with their part of the Plan, and with what might happen to us if it fell through.

It was a pretty decent plan, all things considered, involving phases and dividing into teams and emergency back up plans, and thinking about it definitely made me feel more confident about our chances. In and out, quick and silent, grabbing the Princess, spiriting her out, silently dispatching the guards, and then rendezvousing at the Throne room to ambush the Queen and hopefully take her prisoner before disappearing into the mountain caves as if we had never been there at all.

It was all a mite more complicated than that of course, but those were all the important bits. Plus we had plenty of fail safes and contingency plans. All in all, it seemed fairly fool proof. Yes, I thought pleased, trying to ignore the growing ache in my behind from the horse’s uncomfortable gait, this was one rescue I really had faith in.

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To our credit, it took several hours for things to start going wrong.

The valley where the Prince had made camp had been daringly close to the border of the two kingdoms, and it took us only five or six hours on horseback to reach the woods. During that time, we didn’t come across a even single soldier of the Queen’s Army. The Book hadn’t been wrong, for which I was extremely grateful. It was about time that thing started pulling its weight.

By the time we reached the forest, we were all hot, tired, hungry, and achy from the long ride, but in surprisingly good spirits. The Prince and his men were pleased that we had been able to travel into the Queen’s land unmolested (and therefore Ezu, Jack, and I weren’t actually secretly saboteurs for the Queen); and for our part, the boys and I were just happy that we hadn’t managed to screw anything up yet. And the fact that even if we did, at least we had a small army at our backs certainly helped improve our mood as well.

However, despite our good fortune thus far, I have to admit that everyone, the stoic Prince and imperturbable Dwarves included, balked a little when we reached the forest.

Really, it deserved to be called the Forest, with a capital “f”. Standing right on its border, astride our nervously pawing horses, we all looked uneasily into its imposingly dark depths. These trees which guarded the outside edges of the wood were young, just saplings; but even they seemed taller, thicker, and hungrier than your average tree. In the meadow where we had paused, the warm rays of early evening still bathed us all in pleasant light, as the sun hadn’t quite disappeared over the horizon to the east yet. But before us, the northern mountains reared up like the black hood of a vast cobra, somehow managing to cast the entire forest in dark shadows. Dark shadows that our eyes could not penetrate, so that only a few hundred feet into the forest was unseeable to any of us. It was eerie, and definitely not the way that light normally behaved. Dark magic was definitely afoot, but we had come too far now to be turned back.

The Prince tugged on his reigns to pull his horse around, and glared sternly over all his men, and extra sternly over the boys, the Dwarves, and me.

“All right, men,” he called, “this is where the real rescue begins. Those of you men being led by Sir Roland will follow the borders of the forest Eastwards until you reach the castle. Remember to stay out of sight of any encamped or marching soldiers you come across, do not engage in battle. We’ll need every man tonight, don’t go getting yourself killed for an idiotic shot at glory. Also remember not to venture too deep into the while you travel. Stay just within its limits, where you won’t be seen, but remember, strange tales are told about those who wander unprepared into these woods. If you can, take the castle gates by Midnight. I want it done quietly and stealthily. You know the plan. Don’t allow a single man to alert the rest of the guard, or we’re done for. If it is simply too well guarded, remain on standby. If something goes wrong within the castle grounds, we may need back up, or at the very least at least one man still alive to run back to our Kingdom and alert the King. If I am slain and it comes to war, then so be it.

“As for those of you traveling with me, the forest is a dangerous place. Do not allow yourself to be separated. Remain with your riding partner at all times. If your riding partner is attacked or disappears, alert whoever you can immediately. You all have your horns on you, I presume? Good. Two blasts if you find yourself lost or separated from the rest of the group. One blast for danger. If you are about to be attacked and you only have enough time to either go for your blade or your horn, choose your horn. The lives of all your brothers in arms and your Prince depend upon it this day. We should reach the mountains in three hours, no more than four. Once we find the cave entrance, we have until midnight to begin…” he cast me a sour glance, “Phase two of our plan. We will go over that again once we have reached the mountains, though I am sure you all know if by heart by now.
“Is everyone prepared?”

The Prince’s soldiers gave a rallying cry of agreement. Jack and I did as well, a little belatedly. Ezu and the Dwarves sort of grunted noncommittally.

“All right then, be off. I hope to meet you all again in fair spirits, and with all of our limbs still attached to our bodies. For the Princess!”

“For the Princess!” his men echoed. The soldiers then split off into two groups of about fifty each, one group (Team Alpha I called them, though nobody else did) led by Roland, and the other by the Prince. It was Roland’s job to try to ambush the castle gates, silently picking off the Queen’s men one by one and replacing them in stolen uniforms, so that if those of us inside needed to make a hasty exit or needed sudden back up, they would be ready and waiting. I just sincerely hoped the Queen replied on good old fashioned manual labor to guard her castle gates and walls, and didn’t use some black magic instead.

The other team (Team Beta, said nobody but I) was led by the Prince, and this was the one Ezu, Jack, and the Dwarves and I were on. We would be the ones actually sneaking onto the castle grounds via the secret tunnel that the Queen hopefully knew nothing about. Come to think of it, a lot of this plan was based on hopeful conjecture. Hm. Hopefully that wouldn’t come back to bite us in the ass later.

So into the dark Forest our wary little group of fifty now ventured, not entirely certain what to expect. In was in here, in the crushing silence of the forest that things went wrong.

It was my fault, because of course it was.

“Ahem,” I coughed lightly, trying to subtly catch someone’s attention. Though we all rode in silence, everyone was on edge, distracted by every wavering shadow in the depths of the forest, every rustle from the trees, every movement from the darkness just out of sight, and no one paid me any attention.

”Ahem,” I coughed again a little louder, giving Roland a squeeze about the waist. He shushed me, staring off intently into the trees to our left, evidently worrying that he had heard something.

“Excuse me!” I finally shouted, causing half our company to jump right out of their saddles.

“What is it?” the Prince asked, whirling his horse around and trotting over, his expression grim. “Did you see something? Are we under attack?”

“Er, no,” I replied, flushing and wishing I hadn’t been quite so loud. “It’s just… I, erm, well, I have to… you know,” and I waggled my eyebrows implicatively. The Prince’s own eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“What? No, I don’t know. What do you have to do?”

My eyebrows danced again, in as suggestive a manner as I could manage. If My eyebrows had been playing a game of charades, they would have been world champions, considering the volumes they spoke. “I have to… you know, do that thing?”

“What thing? What are you talking about? Have you led us into a trap?” the Prince asked, rearing his horse back slightly. Ezu groaned.

“She has to take a piss,” he said, exasperated.

“Ezu!” I snapped at the same moment Roland gasped, “Sir Erikson!”, his ears reddening. I couldn’t see the rest of his face, sitting as I was behind him, but I assumed it was equally as bright a shade.

“Well am I wrong?” Ezu replied shortly. I grumbled, but couldn’t deny it. The Prince himself had even had the grace to flush slightly--womens’ waste management probably not being part of his daily repertoire--and he turned away from us, clearing his throat.

“In that case, you have my leave to… to… temporarily depart. We shall wait here until you return.”

“Well now that everybody knows what I’m about to go do-”

“Don’t you dare say you don’t have to go now; you’ll just start all this over again in fifteen minutes. You do this every time,” Ezu said.

“Fine,” I snapped, sliding inelegantly off the back of Roland’s horse. When you spend weeks on end living in the woods in close quarters with a person, you really get to know them far too well. And that includes their bathroom habits. I don’t recommend it. “Come on then,” I grumbled, and I began carefully picking my way through the underbrush, deeper into the forest on the hunt for an appropriate spot.

“Come on?” Roland repeated, confused. Then he saw Jack and Ezu clumsily dismounting as well and beginning to follow me, and he turned and even deeper shade of red, if that were even possible. He gaped, but to his credit, finally managed to find his voice again. “Are… they can’t… my lady, they can’t accompany you!” he whispered, as if it were the biggest scandal to rock his world since that princess married that frog.

“Well I certainly can’t go alone!” I replied. “There are snakes and wolves and things in these woods! What if a bear came up to my while my pants were around my ankles? Or a witch, or god forbid, just some random person? Someone has to stand guard!”

Roland looked awkward, but he coughed and said, “Ah, I see, yes, of course,” and did his darndest to hide his astonishment at our blatant disregard for proper behavior.

Honestly, it's no wonder women so rarely had a prominent role in these fairy tales, seeing as they can 't even take a leak without raising eyebrows.

We left the Prince and his men behind as I searched for a place to pee. It had to be far enough away from the soldiers that I wouldn't be worried about one of them accidentally stumbling across me, and well shielded on all sides by trees and bushes so that the boys couldn't see me if they turned around for whatever reason, and I wasn't likely to be stumbled upon by some random woodsman or adventurer. It was quite the process, and I had to do it every time I felt the tug of nature calling. It drove Jack and Ezu nuts, and on more than one occasion my wandering in search of the perfect spot had gotten us slightly lost.

This time, it only took me about ten minutes before I felt I was at a safe enough distance to take care of my business.

This is about the time things went wrong.

“Alright, this is a good spot,” I said, kicking around a few sticks and leaves, clearing the area slightly. “Go wait over there, and don't turn around!”

“Do we ever?” Ezu replied, rolling his eyes.

“You better not,” I warned.



The beast didn't know where it was. It hadn't been this far from the Castle, this deep in the woods, since before he was the Queen's slave. No, pet. And those days were so long ago now, he could not remember them. He could not remember if there had ever been a time before the Queen. He had always been with her, hadn't he? Loyal at her side, eager and grateful to main and rend soft flesh at her instruction, hungry for the sweet taste of hot blood welling fresh in his mouth.

Yes, it had always been this way. He was hunting now, he was always hunting. He had always been hunting, all the time, even back when he used a blade and a bow. But no, no, he didn't. He couldn't, he had sharp claws for rending flesh, not a blade for slicing it. He had jagged teeth for crushing bone, not a a bow and arrow for piercing it. His body was a weapon, not those flimsy man made tools. Why had he thought he knew them?

A scent was carried on the wind. He had been following it for hours now, and it was getting stronger. The smell of sweating, scared horses, and the stink of unwashed men. It was sweet and pungent, and it excited him. He rose to his full height, shook his shaggy head, and sniffed the air. There it was, faint but fresh, and it made him salivate with eager hunger. He was so close now, and he fell forwards onto all fores and started into a loping run, unable to wait patiently any longer. He could not remember what his Queen had wanted him to do once he found his prey, but then, he hardly remembered the Queen at all right then. He would do what he always did when he had caught what he had been hunting.

He was so hungry. He was always so hungry.



I gave Jack and Ezu a minute to move a respectable distance away, and made sure their backs were turned. They stood about ten feet apart, like slouching, lazy guards half asleep at their post. Glad I was relying on them, they really instilled the utmost feelings of confidence in me.

Finally satisfied, and having had been holding it in for so long I was sure my bladder was about to burst, I finally started struggling with the complex system of laces that held my fancy new pants up.

That was the moment, with Jack and Ezu about fifty feet away with their backs turned, and me distracted and caught up in fiddling with my breeches, that the thing came roaring and barreling out of the woods directly at me.

A few things happened all at once.

A shrieking, terrified horse bolted past us; Jack and Ezu spun around just in time to see the monstrous thing spot us and unleash a bone rattling roar; and I screamed, stumbled, fell, and then pissed my pants.

Jack was the first to find his voice.

“What the hell is that?!” he shouted in the single second of calm before all hell broke loose.

And what the hell, indeed.
The monster was easily over seven feet tall, and it wasn't even standing entirely upright; rather half hunched over with the tips of its saber-like claws just brushing the forest floor. It was taller and broader than any bear I had ever seen before, and shaped more like an ape than anything. It was covered in thick, shaggy grey-brown furred, matted and stained with dark crusts, and fresh blood.

It roared again, thick ropes of drool hanging from too many teeth crammed into its gaping maw. Black, mindless, animal eyes picked us over, calculating and cruel, while it decided which of us to attack first.

It went for the boys. Perhaps, lying supine and stinking of piss as I was, it deemed me the least threatening.

Ezu had his sword drawn first, but it did him little good. The beast charged at him and Jack, and while Jack had the good sense to throw himself out of the way, Ezu held his ground and valiantly tried duck beneath the swinging claws to ram his blade into the beast's gut. It might have worked, but the creature was faster than its cumbersome size belied, and it caught Ezu about the head with a glancing blow from a massive paw even as he tried to dodge, and he was sent collapsing hard into the dirt, his sword tumbling out of his slackened grip.

The beast howled and made to fall upon his prone form, but Jack had finally managed to force his own stubborn blade out of its sheath and came up behind the creature, taking his only chance to hack at the back of its calf, across its Achilles tendon.

The beast was all muscle and sinew, and the blow not powerful enough to cut through the meat, but it did draw blood and made the creature give a shrill cry of pain and surprise. The beast spun around with the speed of a lightning strike and hit Jack with a back handed blow so powerful it sent him flying bodily into a tree. With Jack temporarily out of action, the monster turned back to Ezu, this time almost lazily, as if happy to take its time delivering the killing blow. Ezu had managed to come round enough to roll towards his fallen sword, his hand desperately outstretched, but the beast put a massive clawed foot on his chest to keep him in place. Ezu gasped, the pressure forcing the air from his lungs. The creature turned its paw over so its claws curved upwards, so it could easily gut Ezu under the rib cage, puncturing his lungs and heart in a single sweeping blow.

A rock smacked the monster in the side of the head, making it growl and looked around in momentary surprise.

I stood a ways away, hopefully out of lunging distance, another rock clutched in my throwing hand.

It wasn't much, but it was the best I could do at the moment. I had seen what happened when you got close to that thing. Trapped Ezu and moaning, semi-conscious Jack were proof enough that close combat with this creature was a no-go. So I stood there, terrified and trying to ignore the dampness spreading down my leg, and facing a massive, murderous monster with just a rock to defend myself with.

This sucked.