A Student/Teacher Relationship

Still My POV:

"Dublin Court please," I told the cabby. After hours of crying and I hope accomplishing something similar to self reflection, I picked myself off the black top and went across the street to use the phone at the Laundromat to call a taxi. I'll call Katie later to let her know I'm fine. I have to go. Billie Joe's words are still burning hot in my mind. Tearing open past scars, maybe he is right. Maybe I am a waste and the closest I'll ever come to love is spreading my legs apart. Or maybe I'm being overly dramatic.

Paying a cab fair of $29.67 what a rip off, I sauntered up to the front door of the house I haven't laid eyes upon since my freshmen year. The "House of Horrors" I used to call it. Ringing the door bell only once, I waited anxiously making bets with myself guessing who would open the door. The handle jiggled accompanied by the sliding click of a dead bolt, Stephanie, Ben's sister; stood in the doorway. Damn I lose. Her shock was quickly erased by a sour expression by the sight of my shivering body.

"What are you doing here?" She spat, crossing her arms.

"Is Ben here?"

"Depends. What do you want?"

"Steph would you please just go get him?"

"Fine." She turned to go upstairs, grumbling the entire way. From the view of the stoop, I peaked inside the house, observing that nothing's changed. Ben appeared before me with little surprise expressed as if he knew I would come.

"Hey," He slouched against the frame, trying to be inconspicuous as he looked me up and down. He hasn't changed much either.

"Hi can I talk to you? - Alone?" I glared at Stephanie standing behind him. She rolled her eyes and stomped away.

"Yeah sure." His posture straightened "Wanna take a drive then?" Warning lights and alarms flashed and screamed inside my head.

"K..." Of course I'm scared out of mind and wanted to run and hide, but I don't know where else to turn. My hands were sweaty as I reached and opened the door to shot gun. We aimlessly drove till I noticed he was heading for the park.

"Ok so talk."

"I want to know why."

"Why what?"

"Please don't make me say it," I pleaded looking out the window.

"Make love to you?" He put the parking break on in the deserted park as my jaw dropped in utter disbelief.

"That was your idea of 'making love'?" My finger tips brushed my cheek showing off faint bruises.

"I'm sorry." He placed his hand upon mine. Licking his lips, he leaned over and tried to kiss me. Anger and fear forced my head to dodge his advances.

"Is it true what Nick said?"

"He told you?" He looked surprised.

"Yep, no more than a couple hours ago... How could you throw away everything we had for 50 bucks and the occasional drive in a mustang?"

"What? I didn't. Nick blackmailed me saying he would tell you I cheated on you if I didn't go with Jen. He's your bestfriend so naturally you would believe him." It kind of makes sense. Up till now I didn't realize how diabolical Nick is.

"But hitting me?...Raping me?" Saying those words aloud especially to him were now numbing due to Billie Joe.

"Baby you know how jealous I can get." He stroked my cheek with his thumb causing a sharp chill up my spine. "When I heard about that guy and saw you with him-" He sat back in thought as if a drastic realization popped into his head. "That guy, saw him at school. Who was he? Fucking hangover," Ben rubbed his forehead. "A teacher, you were dating a fucking teacher."

"Yeah..." I hung my head low not out of shame, but out of still raw hurt from Billie Joe.

"Gross. How could you do that?"

"It just sort of happened. Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"I know one way to keep me quiet." Ben slid his hand on my leg. Why haven't I tried to kill him yet? More empty promises to myself. Making a second attempt, he pressed his lips on mine and this time, I didn't fight him. For a moment we broke apart.

"Ben, do you still love me?" I searched his eyes for the truth.

"Yeah?"

"Say it."

"I love you."

"Do you want me?" I asked wanting to prove the drunken Billie Joe wrong.

"Oh yeah." He dug deep into my neck.

"Please say it."

"Becky I want you." My spirit soared low at his forced declaration, because all I dreamed of was Billie Joe uttering those sweet words in my ear free of coercian. Nevertheless the doors of opportunity were running few and I have to grab whatever tarnished brass ring that still hung over my head so I kissed Ben back and still felt little. No weak in the knees, no melting of the heart, no electric tingles, nothing. Tonight was the night I died inside.

***

"Hey Bec wake up," Rachel smacked my back disrupting my dreamless sleep.

"What?" I growled, burying my head deeper into my pillow.

"Phone."

"Who is it?" I rolled over to look up at her holding the cordless phone out to me.

"Who's speaking?" She spoke into the mouth piece and withdrew it. "It's Billie Joe?" Discontent worsened when his name wormed once more into my brain.

"Tell him I'm not home."

"Hello Billie? She says she's not here."

"You bitch!" I hissed, throwing my pillow at her. She deflected it with her arm and listened to the receiver.

"Yeah...uh huh. Ok bye." Flashing me a shit eating grin, Rachel hung up the phone. "He'll be here in ten."

"What?!"

"Did I stutter? From what he told me, you are supposed to be going out or something today, I don't know. But he says he'll be by to pick you up in 10 minutes."

"I told you to say I wasn't home!"

"Pssh I'm not passing up a chance to finally meet this guy so get your ass in gear." On the brink of devulging the previous night, I held my tongue as she exited my room closing the door behind her. Now there's the privacy. I should start locking it when I go to bed. Frick I want to runaway and end up being the "cheap slut that I am," but then again I would hate to repeat myself.

*FLashback to last night*

After giving in and a psychologically scarring make out with Ben, I rested while he continued kissing and groping my tired body.

"You're not done already are you?"

"Eh," I shrugged half-heartedly. "You swear you won't tell anyone about Billie Joe and I?"

"Who?"

"Me and the teacher?" Calling Billie Joe just a teacher was hard. It didn't seem to do him any justice.

"Yeah just as long as you don't see him again."

"Don't you even care to know what happened or why I came to you?"

"To be honest, no." He said crawling on top of me, making me nervous. "You have your reasons and I have my own."

"What does that mean?"

"Shhh." He got very close to my face. I stared into his icy blue eyes and retrogressed back to the naive freshmen I outgrew years ago. His eyes seemed to put me in a trance. "I always knew you'd come back," he spoke into my ear. Laying a light kiss on my neck, his mouth returned to my ear. Making deals with the devil and I don't think I'm benefitting at all. Just then he confirmed my fears of weakness and self degradation. Like a snake, Ben whispered "You're mine."

*End of Flashback*

Half dressed and taking extra time to brush my hair, I cringed at the reflection of a hickey.

"Shit, shit, shit," I rubbed it as if it would erase itself, but it only turned a darker shade of unflattering red. I'm not going anywhere with Billie Joe, but I am planning on being gone before he arrives. The door bell just rang. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." So much for that. Finishing up and checking myself in the mirror, I walked out of my room to the stairs that would lead to either heaven or hell. Sure I have no idea what I would possibly say to Billie Joe, but I have to take what Ben wants into account. Holy crap! Why should I abide the desires of my rapist? Bastard doesn't own me. Give myself a swift, mental kick in the ass for being such an idiot. Easing down the last few steps, I poked my head around the corner to see into the living room.

"Hi...Ben?" I stopped in front of Rachel and Ben sitting on the couch.

"Hey," He stood up and gave me a hug. My eyes bugged as I looked to Rachel who had an insincere smile on her face. I awkwardly patted Ben on the back in response.

"Well I'll be seeing ya," Rachel got up.

"Where are you going?" Please don't leave me!

"Nicole and I are going to the mall."

"Oh," I tapped Ben's arm. "You told her?" No,no, no.

"Mhmm." Damn.

"See yall later," Rachel waved, jingling her keys outside.

"So um what brings you here?"

"Well I've got some time before work to...you know." He glanced at his watch and shifted his belt. Is he implying something?

"Uh-" Suddenly the cursed door bell rang again. Oh fuck I forgot about Billie Joe! "You hungry? Good. Why don't you help yourself to something, anything," I walked him to the kitchen and shoved him in. "Stay in here. Watch some tv." I flipped on the small televison my mom kept in the corner for cooking shows she doesn't watch.

"Who's that?"

"No one. Must be some annoying salesman. Be right back and stay here." I ran to the front door. Before I opened it, I took a deep breath to convey composure for the tap dance I was about to perform. Hesitantly opening the door, Billie stood there with sunglasses on, inhaling the smoke of his cigarette as if it were oxygen, and obviously suffering from a massive hangover.

"Hi sweetie," He put on a happy face, trying to cover up his killer headache.

"Hey um yeah I can't go anywhere. Bye." I began to close the door, but he stopped it with his foot.

"Whoa slow down. I'm not feeling too hot." He must not remember last night. Lucky. "Whose car is that?" He thumbed at Ben's red blazer.

"Those damn neighbors always using our driveway. Family emergency, maybe some other time."

"If you must, can I at least get a decent goodbye?" His arms opened up in expectancy. Stepping outside, I gave him his hug but he kept me there longer than I planned. "Too bad you can't go."

"I'm sor-"

"Hey babe? I only have a half hour till work so do you wanna go upstairs or stay down here? Sorry was I interrupting?" Ben appeared at the door, surprised to see me hugging someone. Billie Joe's arms slid off and he took off his glasses.

"Becky, who's this?" He asked. I so do not know how to do this.

"Ben," Ben stuck his hand out to shake his. Billie's mouth gaped as he looked at me and Ben.

"The Ben you told me about?" My head nodded. Billie Joe began to laugh. Wasn't expecting that. "You sonuvabitch." Billie pushed past me and slammed Ben against the wall, knocking down a picture frame. An odd sight to see Billie in such control since Ben had a little less than half a foot on him.

"What the fuck's your problem?!" Ben tried to yank Billie's hands off him.

"Billie stop it!" I yelled into his ear.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Doesn't matter," Billie Joe said flatly. "Don't you ever fucking touch her again." Now this time Ben surprised us both by laughing. Am I missing the humor in this?

"He doesn't know?" Ben chuckled, awkwardly pointing at Billie Joe.

"Know what?"

"Ask her," Ben tilted his head at me.

"What is he talking about?" Billie looked at me, angry and vulnerable. Time for severe, heart wrenching damage control.

"Billie go to my room, and Ben stay down here," It took them a couple seconds to register I was giving them orders. They went to their designated areas with little fuss. I watched in desparation as Billie Joe disappeared up the stairs.

"So do we have any time?" Ben asked.

"I can't believe you're still on that. Can't you see there are more important things?"

"Look I gotta get to work. I'll talk to you later."

"You know where the door is," I crossed my arms wanting to thaw the chill that consumed me.Not bothering to wait for the front door to close behind him, I approached the stairs afraid of the possibilities they led up to. They loomed tall and menacing as if I were to ascend, the flight would break free and swallow me whole.

With each step I took, it felt like my legs weighed heavier causing them to shake from under the pressure. I wish I know what's going to happen or much less what to say. Hell I don't even know what or who I want. Typical woman; the condition worsened by the raging hormones of a teenager. At the top of the landing, I tried to see through the half opened door to my room, wondering what Billie Joe could possibly be doing. I slowly pushed it open and saw him hunched over on my bed, massaging his temples.

Not looking up, he said "Mind telling me why he's here?" I sat down on the floor against my closet door, parallel to him. Sitting by him seemed like a bad idea. I don't want to be near him or anybody, but then I would have to go live in a cave.

"He just showed up."

"And you didn't kill him because...?"

"Things are different now."

"I fucking spoke to you yesterday when I dropped you off here and now things magically changed overnight? Bull shit." I'm unsure of all he's doing since I directed my eyes to the various bracelets on my wrist, twiddling the chains in between my fingers, investing half my emotions into the conversation.

"Speaking of last night, what all did you do?"

"How does that make any difference? My questions to you is how could you be alone with that asshole after everything and lie to my face about it?"

"You don't remember do you?"

"If you must know, I went bowling with Adie and the kids."

"Wow really? So did I." I mockingly gasped.

"You did?"

"Small world isn't it? In fact it's so small, guess who I saw there." I wasn't expecting him to answer so I continued. "Wait, I'll make this easier. Last night I went cosmic bowling for my friend's birthday. I have to say things were going great. I was having the time of my life, but then it all goes to shit. Did you know some guys actually pay eachother off just to trade a girlfriend?" Still nothing. "My supposedly good friend Nick decided to play 'Let's make a deal' with Ben. The fucker tried to kiss me. I kept thinking no way I'm in love with Billie Joe, but damn. You really don't remember anything?"

"Sorry," his head shook.

"Does the term 'cheap slut' mean anything to you or better yet, this one's my favorite 'god damn puss'?"

"Did Ben call you that?"

"Surprisingly no."

"Nick?"

"Guess again."

"Me?"

"Correct. Remind me to give you a gold star later." Thumbs up.

"No that doesn't sound like me. I would never call you that."

"Maybe not you right now, but drunk angry Billie from last night had a lot to say. How did you justify it again? Speaking the truth?"

"What do you want me say? I fucked up again, it's all my fault?"

"Please don't play the matyr. It doesn't suit you." Like I should be the one talking.

"How could I not? Look at the situation."

"Hello? You tempted me into a 'situation' that's destined to crash and burn. You knew it would go nowhere. I was stupid enough to think it could and here we fucking are now." I rose up off the floor and leaned forward face to face with Billie Joe with my hands behind my back. "Excuse me but I'm going to run away like a cheap slut." It's always better to mask your pain with sarcasm. It's easier that way.

"What happened between you and Ben?" His voice was stern yet sad.

"You wouldn't understand if I told you."

"Had sex didn't you?" He looked up at me, his eyes brimmed with tears.

"If I said yes you'd believe me in a heartbeat wouldn't you? Sorry to disappoint you, but no I didn't have sex with him." He nodded and drooped his head again. Sighing, I laid down across my bed next to him.

"Yet he's here asking if you wanted to go up here or stay downstairs. If I wasn't here would you have done stuff with him? Wait, strike that. I don't want to know." He twisted his spine and looked back at me. Look away from the eyes and make my peace.

"Yesterday if you had asked me what was the worst day of my life, it would have been that night weeks ago hands down, but after last night. It's all up for debate."

"I'm still lost. What did I possibly do to make you be here with Ben other than calling you those things? You can't seriously hold it against me if I was drunk."

"I know. Maybe if I was drunk, I'd be a little pissed too if someone refused to make out with me in a parking lot, but-" My mind reminisced back to the time when I confronted Ben after he started dating Jen, his reasoning being no one wanted me and to get over myself. "But Ben."

"Ben? Ya know I'm really starting to get fucking sick of that name."

"I'm sorry," I turned over and pressed my head into my pillow. Suffocating darkness is a useful way to help one think straight...ish. "I can live with the names. You were drunk and besides I've been called worse, but something you said last night and he said a year ago... Wow umm I don't know about this anymore."

"But still-" His hand rested on my waist and I brushed it away.

"Adie's a wonderful person," I sat up and focused on my only Las Vegas poster. I wish I was there now. "I know I'm not one for consistent morals, but I feel guilty."

"How could you? You don't know her."

"A lot happened last night. She helped me," Glancing down at my flexing hand, it was a sickly purple. "I think you should go home."

"Can I come back later?" This is like explaining death to a toddler or worse, where babies come from. I shook my head trying to get rid of the static.

"I don't think that would be a good idea."

"No, you can't be doing this again. I thought we were finally getting back on track. This is like at the tracks right? Just tell me what's wrong and we'll fix it." He nodded and made a worried smile wanting to put the puzzle back together.

"To avoid confusion, I want you to know that I love you. I always will. But you and Adrienne made a promise to each other and I'm sorry. I can't stand in the way of that promise anymore." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him grab at his pocket, gripping the outline of his box of cancer sticks through the fabric.

"...I know I love you's not enough. I'm lost for words." Rubbing the back of his neck, he stood up, walked to the doorway, stopped, and looked back at me. The electrifying emerald eyes that I admired for so long now seemed empty and pale. Plain green like a hellish paradise without the booze. "So it's Ben then?"

"I'm not sure. I just want a guy who only wants me. No one else. Call me selfish, but is it too much to ask to not have to share? To know you're second choice is...torture." Nothing was said nor muttered. For a moment his perfectly sculpted face looked like it was about to collapse; features contorting and salt water would escape down his cheeks. In only a few seconds though, someone took masking tape to his head keeping everything held back and in order. His eyes burned holes through mine out of love or hate, I don't know. There's a fine line between the two I think. Strong and clearly, Billie Joe said 6 words that will forever be tattooed to my memories.

"I'm not going to give up." Then he just left. I listened to his footsteps down the stairs and out the door. I'm too young for a heart attack. No, I imagine this stabbing pain to be far worse. I slipped by my window and looked down at Billie Joe staring up at the house, staring up at me. Instantly I took a step back, but then realized I was well hidden behind the blinds. A large piece of me, of who I am, now was, just drove away in an old BMW. The knife Ben thrusted into my back a year ago reappeared, pushed in deeper by Nick, and pressed as far as it can go by Billie Joe and ripped out by him and pierced my heart. You'll never know Adrienne, but you're welcome.