I Think You're Impossible, I Hope You Prove Me Wrong
Two
I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn't matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together. Believe me if I could, I would erase every thought and memory that I've had of Jack Bassam Barakat. It's not that I regret him, or the things we did, it was more like everything about him was holding me back. Holding me back from the life I'm supposed to live, the life I'm supposed to be proud of. But if only things were easier said then done.
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"I'm not your baby anymore."
If her leaving me hadn't hurt me enough, those words surely did. The last day of Warped Tour 07 was definitely the most bittersweet day I've ever experienced in my life. I was truly overjoyed when Alex came bounding onto the bus saying that Alyssa was there. I couldn't contain my happiness as we ran around the grounds looking for her, but then Rian spotted her. Running away from me, with a guy, headed towards the parking lot. I had swore to myself a long time ago, that if our paths were to ever cross again, I wouldn't let her go this time.
So we ran after her, and we ran and ran, even when the car was exiting the parking lot. Finally catching up to her, for her to only tell me those five hurtful words. It was then that I knew that she didn't want me anymore. That fall after summer we went on tour with Boys Like Girls, The Audition and We the Kings, on Tourzilla. Everystop in California I would look for her, thinking "Maybe just maybe, she'll come back to me." But those thoughts were always wasted after every night searching the venue to find that she wasn't there, that she wasn't coming back to me.
But none of that was stopping me from what I was doing. Not the hate towards me, not the unwanted memories of our past, nothing. I was unstoppable as I made my way from home to California. On this drive I have learned the most about myself, about her, about us. The tears I had cried, from reliving memories of us and the guys. Like the time when the guys and I moved all her furniture out of her apartment when she was away for the weekend for her to come back and find it empty. She flipped her cap, she honestly had thought someone had broken into her apartment, she even called the police! Only for us to explain to the officers that it had been a practical joke, that we moved all her furniture out while she was away. She told them to arrest us, but we got off with a warning, but I would have gladly been arrested if I knew our stunt would earn us three weeks of her ignoring us.
Honestly I don't know what this trip is going to do. I guess I just want to see her, to make sure she's fine without me, to make sure she's alive and well. And maybe to see if we could maybe try us over again, but even I knew that it would take a cold day in hell for that to be even considered. I'm just doing this for her, to make sure she's breathing.
Tonight I was supposed to be over at Dirk's place, he was throwing a New Year's bash at his apartment, but I called him and told him I wasn't feeling good. It wasn't a complete lie, I really wasn't feeling well, I just wasn't suffering from anything a couple pills could fix. This would be the first New Year's I wouldn't be spending with Jack. I wondered what he's doing, I could picture it now. Their all at Alex's place, partying, waiting to count down the clock, I doubt I would even cross his mind as the clock strike midnight.
I mentally kicked myself as a thought came to mind. If only I had gotten to their last California tour date for Tourzilla a little bit earlier, maybe things wouldn't be like how they are now. I wouldn't be spending New Year's Eve by myself, I'd be home back with my baby in Maryland, surrounded by friends, friends that had definitely become family.
The hours had slowly passed as I stared at the television set in complete boredom, it was five minutes till midnight when there was a rabid knock on the door. I set down the remote from my hand, slipping on my slippers as I made my way to the door, pulling down my tank top as I peeked through the peephole. I saw a dark eye ball looking through the peephole back at me. It startled me at first, but when I looked back into the peephole, the person had backed away from the peephole, and who I saw made me think I was just hallucinating. But when he talked I knew he was really there standing outside of my apartment door.
"Alyssa? You home?" he asked as he banged on the door once more.
I shakily unlocked the door, pulling to open just enough to see his tall figure, "Jack?"
He smiled warmly you could say, and scratched the back of his neck,"Hey Alyssa."
So many thoughts and questions were running through my mind, when one finally seemed to escape me, "How'd you find me?"
He laughed, "Well I kinda sorta pulled a stalker move, and looked you up."
He was right, "Yeah that is kind of..creepy?"
He nodded in acknowledgment, "Is it okay if I can come in?"
"Umm.."
"I'd understand if you said no," he said as he turned his back away from the door and started to walk away.
"Wait, Jack. Please..don't go." Okay maybe that last part wasn't supposed to come out, but it had.
He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at me with hope in his eyes. That's when it was noticeable to me, his face was tear stained, his eyes slightly puffy and red still, he had been crying. I waved him back, and he walked back softly pass me and into my apartment. He stood awkwardly in my living room, as I shut and locked the door behind him. I turned and looked at him, "So what brings you to California?"
He looked at me as if I was stupid, "You obviously."
I looked down at the ground as I wrapped my arms around myself as I made my way closer to him, "Why though?"
His light blue brand new shirt was wrinkled, as if he had either sleeped in it, or if he hadn't changed it for a couple days. He sighed, and said, "I wanted to make sure that you were alive..and breathing."
"So when did you plane land?" I asked not knowing what to say to that.
"I didn't take a plane." he replied quietly.
"Then how'd you get here? I mean it would take forever for you to drive."
All he did was smile sheepishly. It was then that I thought about the tears you cried and the miles that you drove. Just for me, just to see if I'm alive and breathing. "So you drove from Maryland all the way to California, to make sure I was alive and breathing. All for me? Well..so far, so good, so what happens to us now?"
He walked over towards me, hands in his pockets, as he stood in front of me, rocking on his heels, "I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me?"
As he stood in front of me I realized what I wanted.
"I need you. More than you'll ever know. I still do. And I'm willing to let it show." I said to him as my my feet closed the gap between us. "I'll forgive, if you'll forget all the things I said."
The countdown was going on the in the background, ten..nine..eight..seven..
"You'll never know how much I've been hoping you'd say that." he said as he wrapped his arms around me.
six..five..four..
This is the only thing that could cure the sickness that had taken over me so long ago, being in his arms, and his arms only.
three..two..one.
He looked down at me, and brushed my wispy bangs out of my eyes, and kissed me, kissed me with everything he had. I never wanted this moment to go away, it was the moment my life fell back into place. The moment he saved me from myself.
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"I'm not your baby anymore."
If her leaving me hadn't hurt me enough, those words surely did. The last day of Warped Tour 07 was definitely the most bittersweet day I've ever experienced in my life. I was truly overjoyed when Alex came bounding onto the bus saying that Alyssa was there. I couldn't contain my happiness as we ran around the grounds looking for her, but then Rian spotted her. Running away from me, with a guy, headed towards the parking lot. I had swore to myself a long time ago, that if our paths were to ever cross again, I wouldn't let her go this time.
So we ran after her, and we ran and ran, even when the car was exiting the parking lot. Finally catching up to her, for her to only tell me those five hurtful words. It was then that I knew that she didn't want me anymore. That fall after summer we went on tour with Boys Like Girls, The Audition and We the Kings, on Tourzilla. Everystop in California I would look for her, thinking "Maybe just maybe, she'll come back to me." But those thoughts were always wasted after every night searching the venue to find that she wasn't there, that she wasn't coming back to me.
But none of that was stopping me from what I was doing. Not the hate towards me, not the unwanted memories of our past, nothing. I was unstoppable as I made my way from home to California. On this drive I have learned the most about myself, about her, about us. The tears I had cried, from reliving memories of us and the guys. Like the time when the guys and I moved all her furniture out of her apartment when she was away for the weekend for her to come back and find it empty. She flipped her cap, she honestly had thought someone had broken into her apartment, she even called the police! Only for us to explain to the officers that it had been a practical joke, that we moved all her furniture out while she was away. She told them to arrest us, but we got off with a warning, but I would have gladly been arrested if I knew our stunt would earn us three weeks of her ignoring us.
Honestly I don't know what this trip is going to do. I guess I just want to see her, to make sure she's fine without me, to make sure she's alive and well. And maybe to see if we could maybe try us over again, but even I knew that it would take a cold day in hell for that to be even considered. I'm just doing this for her, to make sure she's breathing.
Tonight I was supposed to be over at Dirk's place, he was throwing a New Year's bash at his apartment, but I called him and told him I wasn't feeling good. It wasn't a complete lie, I really wasn't feeling well, I just wasn't suffering from anything a couple pills could fix. This would be the first New Year's I wouldn't be spending with Jack. I wondered what he's doing, I could picture it now. Their all at Alex's place, partying, waiting to count down the clock, I doubt I would even cross his mind as the clock strike midnight.
I mentally kicked myself as a thought came to mind. If only I had gotten to their last California tour date for Tourzilla a little bit earlier, maybe things wouldn't be like how they are now. I wouldn't be spending New Year's Eve by myself, I'd be home back with my baby in Maryland, surrounded by friends, friends that had definitely become family.
The hours had slowly passed as I stared at the television set in complete boredom, it was five minutes till midnight when there was a rabid knock on the door. I set down the remote from my hand, slipping on my slippers as I made my way to the door, pulling down my tank top as I peeked through the peephole. I saw a dark eye ball looking through the peephole back at me. It startled me at first, but when I looked back into the peephole, the person had backed away from the peephole, and who I saw made me think I was just hallucinating. But when he talked I knew he was really there standing outside of my apartment door.
"Alyssa? You home?" he asked as he banged on the door once more.
I shakily unlocked the door, pulling to open just enough to see his tall figure, "Jack?"
He smiled warmly you could say, and scratched the back of his neck,"Hey Alyssa."
So many thoughts and questions were running through my mind, when one finally seemed to escape me, "How'd you find me?"
He laughed, "Well I kinda sorta pulled a stalker move, and looked you up."
He was right, "Yeah that is kind of..creepy?"
He nodded in acknowledgment, "Is it okay if I can come in?"
"Umm.."
"I'd understand if you said no," he said as he turned his back away from the door and started to walk away.
"Wait, Jack. Please..don't go." Okay maybe that last part wasn't supposed to come out, but it had.
He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at me with hope in his eyes. That's when it was noticeable to me, his face was tear stained, his eyes slightly puffy and red still, he had been crying. I waved him back, and he walked back softly pass me and into my apartment. He stood awkwardly in my living room, as I shut and locked the door behind him. I turned and looked at him, "So what brings you to California?"
He looked at me as if I was stupid, "You obviously."
I looked down at the ground as I wrapped my arms around myself as I made my way closer to him, "Why though?"
His light blue brand new shirt was wrinkled, as if he had either sleeped in it, or if he hadn't changed it for a couple days. He sighed, and said, "I wanted to make sure that you were alive..and breathing."
"So when did you plane land?" I asked not knowing what to say to that.
"I didn't take a plane." he replied quietly.
"Then how'd you get here? I mean it would take forever for you to drive."
All he did was smile sheepishly. It was then that I thought about the tears you cried and the miles that you drove. Just for me, just to see if I'm alive and breathing. "So you drove from Maryland all the way to California, to make sure I was alive and breathing. All for me? Well..so far, so good, so what happens to us now?"
He walked over towards me, hands in his pockets, as he stood in front of me, rocking on his heels, "I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me?"
As he stood in front of me I realized what I wanted.
"I need you. More than you'll ever know. I still do. And I'm willing to let it show." I said to him as my my feet closed the gap between us. "I'll forgive, if you'll forget all the things I said."
The countdown was going on the in the background, ten..nine..eight..seven..
"You'll never know how much I've been hoping you'd say that." he said as he wrapped his arms around me.
six..five..four..
This is the only thing that could cure the sickness that had taken over me so long ago, being in his arms, and his arms only.
three..two..one.
He looked down at me, and brushed my wispy bangs out of my eyes, and kissed me, kissed me with everything he had. I never wanted this moment to go away, it was the moment my life fell back into place. The moment he saved me from myself.