Missing

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My stupid bridesmaid dress would have normally made me feel beautiful and excited, but not today. Maybe because this was the wedding of the man I was in love with. And I mean completely in love with, head over heals, love at first sight, the whole deal. But this was his wedding and he was getting married to someone else. I was just his friend, just the bridesmaid.

His name was Jacob, and I often called him Jake. I remember the fateful day we met. I was in third grade and was sitting in the back of the classroom, coloring a purple flower, blue grass, and an orange sky with my crayons, when my teacher announced that we had a new student. Jacob had walked into the room timidly, looking at the teacher with a scared look on his face. The teacher said something to him and pointed to the desk next to me.

He walked back to the desk, smiled at me, and said hi.

“Hi,” I had chirped excitedly back at him.

“Why is the grass blue?” he had asked, pointing to my picture.

“Because I wanted it to be blue. I’ve been told that I have a unique perspective on things,” I had said matter-o-factly.

“Cool,” he had said. And since then we had been inseparable. We ate lunch together, played at recess together and sat next to each other whenever it was possible.

Years passed and I got a small crush on him. I never told him, figuring it would go away. It never did go away, but I managed to get my mind off of him at times, well, until eighth grade when he got his first girlfriend. Her name was Kate. She was nice, pretty, and popular and Jacob was ecstatic that she had agreed to go out with him.

They went out for about a year and a half and through the whole time I was a mess. Jealousy and pain ate at my insides, but I never let it show. I didn’t want to admit my feelings for him and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

Even when he was single, I couldn’t get my mind off of him. I hated it when girls flirted with him, and he seemed to hate it too. We would make fun of the girls throwing themselves at him, laughing at those who strutted about making fools of themselves.

The whole time I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him and he never even thought of me in that way. He never acted strange, or nervous around me, which I’ve heard guys do around girls they like. He never showed any signs of that around me. I was just his friend and I would always be just that.

A lot of times he would joke around, telling me to get a boyfriend, but I never would. I just kept hoping that one day he would open his eyes and see me differently.

It was the near the end of our junior year in high school when he asked out Megan. Megan was super nice and funny which made it even worse for me. It was hard to hate her because she was an amazing person, who made Jacob extremely happy. They were planning on going to prom together and he wanted me to come, so he set me up with one of his friends, Mike.

Mike was a really funny guy with adorable blue eyes, but never could he compare to Jacob. I ended up going to prom with Mike, trailing behind Megan and Jacob. While Megan and Jacob dated until the end of high school, I broke up with Mike in the middle of the summer and we stayed close friends. Once again, I was alone.

Jacob and I went to the same college, and once again, girls swarmed him and I was left alone. Jacob found a girl who was really sweet and shy, named Amanda. I became close friends with Amanda through college but I never told her that I was in love with Jacob. And now I’m at my best friend, Jacob’s, and my close friend, Amanda’s wedding.

I knew that my heart had been breaking ever since I realized back in junior high that he would never feel the same way about me, but I knew that when Jacob and Amanda exchanged their vows, my heart would disappear, forever.

I watched the other bridesmaids hurry about, making last minute adjustments to their dresses and hair before we walked out into the garden where the wedding was taking place. I stood with the other bridesmaids as the music started and Amanda walked slowly down the isle. I looked at Jacob instantly regretted doing so. I saw the way he looked at Amanda, he looked at her with complete love.

Inside I was breaking, my heart turning to dust as they exchanged their vows, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes. They leaned in and kissed each other with passion and the ceremony was over.

Everyone arrived at the reception elated over their marriage. I couldn’t have felt worse. I felt like nothing, completely empty and alone as I watched everyone laughing and congratulating them. I just sighed, grabbed a glass of wine and slumped down into a chair. I felt like crying, but I knew I couldn’t. Jacob was happy, shouldn’t I be too?

“Liz!” I heard someone say my name but I didn’t look up, “Liz!” the voice came, I turned around to face Mike, his smile disappeared as he saw my face, “Liz, what’s wrong?” he asked me with general concern.

“Nothing,” I answered quickly, trying to compose myself.

“Come on, Liz,” he said knowingly, “I’ve known you long enough to know that something is definitely wrong. Come on, tell me.”

“No, I’m fine,” I lied, forcing a smile. He just looked at me seriously, not buying the words I was saying. He was about to say something else when his girlfriend, Claire came up to him and before she whisked him away to dance, he shot me a look.

“We’ll talk later,” he said as she pulled him away. I sighed and walked out of the party room of the hotel. The room was one of many at an overpriced hotel here in LA.

What was I going to do now? How would I live? I asked myself again and again as I walked aimlessly through the deserted hallways. The man I loved was happily married and I had not dated anyone since Mike. No one knew that I loved Jacob; no one would ever know that he was the only one I loved. My chest felt heavy with grief and I slid down onto the floor, my back to the wall.

I stayed this way for the next hour or so before I heard footsteps coming my way. I looked up to see Mike standing before me with his arms crossed.

“Do you still expect me to believe that nothing is wrong?” he asked, sitting down next to me. He didn’t say anything else and neither did I. We sat in silence for a while before I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I love him,” I whisper softly, giving in to the silence. I didn’t look up, but I could feel Mike turn to me, probably with a shocked expression on his face. “I always have,” I added before standing up and walking away. I had never told anyone that before and I immediately wished I hadn’t told Mike; he was my ex for crying out loud.

I kept walking even as Mike called my name. I didn’t stop until I reached my car. I got in and sped away, back to my apartment in the city. I put an Evanescence CD in and listened to the lyrics crying the whole time.

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
Maybe someday you’ll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you’ll say to no one:
"Isn’t something missing? "

You won’t cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’d be sacrificed,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out:
"Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me? "

Even though I’d be sacrificed,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I’ll bleed,
Knowing you don’t care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something...

Even though I’d be sacrificed,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

By the time I had reached my apartment, my makeup was all cried off and the lyrics from the song were repeating in my head. I crashed on the couch, not even bothering to take my dress off. I just buried my face in the pillow blocking out the street noise. But I noticed the silence was worse, it made me feel completely alone and unwanted.

The phone rang, disrupting my thought. I let the phone continue to ring until the answering machine picked up.

“Hi Liz, it’s Mike, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but I really hope you are all right. Jacob was asking me where you were and I just told him that you left-“ I picked up the phone and immediately slammed it back down. I don’t really know why I did that, but it stopped the answering machine so I didn’t have to listen to Mike talk about Jacob.

I mentally slapped myself. Now Mike knew that I was home, he would continue to call and even come over to talk to me. As if on cue, the phone rang again and I didn’t answer again.

“Liz, it’s Mike again, I know you are home, please pick up, I want to know that you’re all right. Please…” he said before hanging up. The answering machine started to beep, annoying me greatly. I ran over to it and pressed ‘delete message’ to stop the beeping.

There was no reason left to live. Though I’d die to know you love me, I’m all alone. Isn’t someone missing me?

I was completely alone and no one at this point could save me. You won’t cry for my absence, I know - You forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant...? Am I so insignificant...?

I walked over to the window and loneliness took over me. There was a huge world out there, and I didn’t want any part of it. I just wanted Jacob to love me, but that would never happen. I regret now never showing my feelings to him, now he will never love me. Will he even notice? Maybe someday you’ll have woke up, And, barely conscious, you’ll say to no one: "Isn’t something missing? "

I walked into my bathroom and pulled out the pill bottle. I normally took two ibuprofen whenever I had cramps or something, so I figured a few more may do what I wanted them to do. I popped about five in my mouth and swallowed them with a large gulp of water. And if I bleed, I’ll bleed, knowing you don’t care.

I walked over to my bed and lay down on top waiting for the effect of the pills to take over, to take me away into a sleep that I hopefully wouldn’t wake up from. And if I sleep just to dream of you and wake without you there, isn’t something missing? Isn’t something…