We Couldn't Change It If We Tried

"Ahh," I sighed as I lay on my bed. We were finally home from tour and I was loving it – well as much as I had been loving anything for the last two months.

"I see you've missed your bed," Nick smirked as he came into my room.

"Oh my gosh yes," I half shouted, rolling my eyes at his attempt to be funny. He laughed and sat down on my bed. I sat up and looked at him. "So – how is he?"

Nick looked at me for a long moment. "Are you sure you want to hear it?"

I thought it odd how he asked me that every time I posed that question. And I had asked him quite a few times – okay, so it was about twice a day everyday for the last two months. But it wasn't until this month that his answers hurt me. Joe was obviously hurting just as much as me – if not more. And I couldn't help that Joe's pain opened up a soft spot in me. It always had – since we were little, even if he was always older and bigger than me. And now, especially this last month, his pain was even more evident. I wanted to wrap my arms around his waist and ease his pain – but I couldn't. I was hurting too. Joe cheated on me, even after I truly trusted him. It was hard to just forget that and give in.

"Nick please? I know you want to protect me. But I need to know," I practically begged.

He sighed. "Okay Dani, if you really want to know. He's – worse."

"Worse? What do you mean? How worse," my voice started to break. For the last two months, Joe had stayed in his bunk, or room if we were at the hotel. He would just lay there, listening to his iPod. Nick checked it out once when Joe was sleeping and saw that Joe had put my newest song Should've Said No on repeat. He just listened to it over and over again – staring at the ceiling. He broke his iPhone because he thought he was getting too many calls. He refused to go anywhere – to do anything. He stopped doing the call into radio station interviews, even though he loved them. And he literally had to be dragged to all other interviews and appearances, only talking when asked a direct question. In two months, he had become a completely different person. What could be worse?

"Hey guys," Kevin came in before Nick could say anything. Blair followed after. "What's going on?"

"Kevin," I said, not looking at him. "How has Joe gotten worse?"

Kevin threw Nick a look. I could tell that Nick wasn't supposed to tell me any of this. He sighed and sat down on my bed before saying, "I guess you have a right to know, huh?" I could tell he didn't like it.

"He – started going out every night," Nick said, his voice laced with concern. "He comes back way after we all go to bed, though we're never sure what time. He's just – there when we wake up. Kevin tried to wait for him one night, but he ended up falling asleep around 4. Joe wasn't back yet. I was looking for my socks in our room the other day, and – I found a liquor bottle under his bed." He looked away. I felt my body go numb. Joe had sworn to me that he wouldn't drink again. Then again, he swore he wouldn't hurt me either.

"I've tried to talk to him. Nick has too," Kevin sighed, shaking his head. "We even called Mandy, thinking she could talk him out of this daze. But – nothing has worked. He won't – no. He doesn't want to listen to anyone – except you." His voice was suggestive.

"Kevin," Nick warned, obviously getting what Kevin was saying too.

"Kevin," I said softly. "I – I don't know if I could do that."

Blair walked over to me and put her arm around my shoulders. "We know honey. Shh, it's okay." I put my head on my sister's shoulder as she turned to Kevin. "Kevin, there has to be another way."

"Either way," Nick shook his head. "Dani is not talking to him."

"He's your brother Nicholas," Kevin scolded him.

"I'm talking to him now aren't I," Nick rolled his eyes. "I got that message with your lecture last month. But that doesn't mean Dani has to. He cheated on her Paul."

Kevin sighed. "I know. I'm sorry Dani. I shouldn't even have thought of that."

I hugged him. "I'm sorry Kevin. I know you just want to help him. I do too. But I – just can't talk to him."

Kevin nodded. "We'll think of something."

The boys went home soon after that, leaving Blair and me. "So," she said, jumping onto my bed. "How are you doing hon?"

"I don't know," I sighed. "I just – it hurts still, you know?"

Blair hugged me. "I know."

"So you and Kevin seem even closer," I noted, deliberately changing the subject.

Blair smiled sheepishly. "He kind of asked me out."

"No way," I smacked her arm.

"Ow," she said. "What was that for?"

"For not telling me," I shrugged. She laughed. "Oh my gosh, that's so amazing. I'm really happy for you Blair."

"Thanks," she grinned, looking quite dazed. Then she sighed. "You're going to be okay. You know that right?"

I nodded. "It – I want to help him Blair. I do. But I – don't know how. Do you think I should go with Kevin's idea?"

She shrugged. "I'm not going to tell you how to run your life Dani. But I will tell you to do what ever you think best. I just want you to be happy." She hugged me.

I grinned. "You sound too much like a mother Blair." I got up and started walking towards the door.

"Where are you going," she asked.

"To go see your boyfriend," I smirked at her before leaving.

>>>>

"I'm not drunk mom," I heard Joe say as I walked past his room.

"Not drunk," his mother yelled. "Joseph Adam. Not only are you drunk, you're also underage. How dare you even think about putting that poison in your body? I thought we raised you better."

"I thought you did too," he said.

"And now Frankie will see you," she scoffed. "Think of your little brothers. Is this the example you want to set for Frankie and Nick?"

"They have Kevin."

"And it's a good thing they do," she said. She stormed out of his room, slamming his door shut, and bumped into me. "Oh Dani, sweetheart. I didn't even see you." She smiled at me. But then she looked back at Joe's door. "I'm sorry you had to hear that."

"I'm sorry Denise," I said quietly. "It's all of my fault. I'm sorry."

"Oh no dear," she hugged me. "This is not your fault. Kevin filled me in when I asked him why you got a new tour bus. I'm just sorry you had to live through that. I swear," she shook his head. "I thought we had raised him better."

Automatically and involuntarily, I went into defensive mode. "It's not his fault Denise. He's just – hurt and confused."

She sighed. "I should go get dinner together. Are you and Blair eating here?"

"Um," I said, looking at Joe's door.

She sighed again. "How about I pack you a little something and have Nicholas bring it over later?"

"Thanks Denise," I hugged her before she went down. I started walking towards Kevin's room when Joe's door opened.

We just stared at each other, both unsure of what to say. I felt my heart break as I looked at him. There he was – right in front of me. For the last two months, the only times I had seen him was when we were performing Way We Are or Missing You. And now to see him standing there – so pained – was hard. His clothes were messed up and wrinkled. His hair was a mess. His eyes were bloodshot, and his beard was growing in. He looked a mess. It killed me to have him so pained right in front of me and not be able to reach out and wrap my arms around him.

But then he spoke. "What are you doing here," his voice was harsh and violent.

I froze. Joe was never either of those. And to hear it in his voice now hurt me. "I'm – never mind."

I started to walk by him but he grabbed my wrist. I stared at him, shocked, trying to wiggle my wrist out of his grip. But it was no use. Every time I got anywhere, he'd just tighten his grip. I could feel it bruising. "I asked you what you were doing here." Again, his tone was harsh. I squirmed as he grabbed my other wrist. I didn't say anything. "Answer me!"

Kevin's door opened. "What's going – Dani? What the fuck Joe? Get the hell off of her!"

"Whatever, I don't even care anymore." Joe released my wrists and pushed me away. I stared at him, shocked, as he went back into his room, slamming the door. Tears welted up in my eyes as Kevin wrapped his arms around me as he pulled me into his room. Kevin rubbed my back silently, mumbling about how he was going to kick his brother's ass.

Again, my defensive side came up involuntarily. "Kevin, he was drunk. I could smell it. He wasn't himself. He would never hurt me if he –" I stopped. That was a lie now. He could hurt me if he was sober. Not physically, but worse. Kevin cursed again. I quickly tried to change the subject. "So you and Blair huh?"

He stared at me, probably not sure if he should indulge the change of subject or go kick Joe's ass right now. But then he grinned. "Yeah. I love her, you know?"

"I'm really happy for you Kevin," I grinned at him. "So – I've been thinking. I want to go along with your plan. I think," I paused to breath so that my voice wouldn't break. "I think I can talk to him."

He glared at his door. "Dani, no way in hell are you going anywhere near Joe. Look at your wrist! It's black and blue."

I squirmed. "Kevin, I want – no I need to help him. He won't hurt me again. I'm sure of it. He was just drunk." Kevin looked away, still unsure. I sighed. "I'm going to help him with or without your help Kevin. I'd really rather it be with since I'm scared as anything right now."

Kevin sighed and stared at me for a long moment before answering. "Fine, I'll help, if only to make sure you don't end up getting yourself killed." He smirked. "As insane as you are, you'd probably run in front of a bus or something."

"Ha, ha," I fake laughed and rolled my eyes at his attempt to make a joke.