We Couldn't Change It If We Tried

Beep. . . beep. . beep. .beep beep beep. I was suddenly aware of this beeping. Of the shuffling of feet as the beeping accelerated. I felt someone take my hand, gripping it tightly, shaking slightly. I wanted to squeeze back, whoever it was. I wanted to show them I was okay. I felt a hand on my stomach too. This hand was shaking even more than the one gripping my hand. I wanted to ask them about the baby – if he was okay, if he was still there. But I couldn't move. I didn't have control over my body. My eyes remained closed, no matter how much I tried to open them.

"Finally, a response," I heard Nick say. His voice sounded close, so I thought he was the one gripping my hand.

"Dani, sweetie," I heard Blair on my other side. "Can you hear me honey? Wake up. Someone get Joe. She might wake up soon."

"He – hasn't woken up yet," Kevin's voice sounded broken. All of a sudden, I didn't want to wake up. Joe was unconscious too, fighting just as I was. What if he gave up? What if he didn't wake up ever and I did? Would I go on without him? Could I go on without him? No. I couldn't. I stopped fighting to open my eyes. I stopped trying to squeeze Nick's hand. I stopped trying to wake up.

"I'll go get dad," Nick said, letting go of my hand, his voice, too, was broken. "He wanted us to call him if anything changed."

"Joe is strong. He'll be up and loud soon enough," Kevin said. But his voice gave him away.

"Dani's strong too," Nick said quietly, now far away. "I don't care what the doctor said. She's already showing a response."

What the doctor said? Did the doctor have no hope for me? Was I doomed to die now? But I was alive, and here. Was the baby gone? Is that what Nick was applying? And even more, I didn't want to wake up. After all the turmoil if this baby, I had finally accepted it, finally actually liked the idea of becoming a mother. And now, was it taken from me?

"Is she awake," Paul's voice entered the room. I listened as his feet shuffled as he came to my other side. "What happened?"

"Look at the machine dad," Kevin said. "The beeping – it's more pronounced, faster than before."

"What does the mean," Blair asked, her voice strained and frustrated. "She still hasn't woken up. Why hasn't she woken up yet?" Her voice sounded hysterical now.

"It'll be okay Blair," Kevin said. "She'll be up soon."

But I wouldn't. I wouldn't even try until I knew Joe was up. If he was leaving this life, I was sure to be going right after him. No way would I – could I survive without him. His last words to me echoed in my mind. I love you. Even as the car hit us, his thoughts were on us, just as mine had been -- together. And if we were leaving, it, too, would be together.

"How could this happen," Blair asked, her voice muffled. "Why did that car –" She broke off.

"Some things happen for reasons no one knows," Paul said. "But we must have faith – that God has put our family through this test with a purpose."

"Hey Kevin," Nick came into the room. "Frankie just woke up, and mom doesn't want him here to see this if – they don't wake up." His voice was pained. "She asked if you could take him home. She wants you to take me and Blair too." His voice sounded angry with that. "She thinks we need some rest."

"No," Blair said automatically. "I'm not leaving her."

"Blair honey," Paul said. "Denise is right. You kids all need some rest. We'll be here. And we'll call if there's any change."

"No," she said again.

"Mom wants you to go too Dad," Nick said.

"What," he turned on him. "No."

"Blair, it'll be okay," Kevin said. "Dani and Joe are going to be okay. Getting no rest isn't going to help either oft hem. That means you too Dad. You both have been here for two days straight with no sleep. Let's go."

"Hey guys," Vanessa came in. "Any improvements?"

"Her machine's beeping fast," Kevin said as he went on to explain.

"That's better than yesterday though," Zac said. "Right? I mean, there has to be more of a chance right?"

No one answered. "Are you guys staying long," Kevin asked.

"Yeah," Vanessa said. "We don't have to be on the set tomorrow, so we're staying all night, if that's okay."

"Of course it's okay," Kevin said. "We know how close you and Dani are. But I was just asking cause we're going to leave for a bit to rest. We'll be back in a few hours."

"Oh yeah, we'll be here," Zac said.

I heard everyone shuffle out of the room, defeated. "Dani," Vanessa whispered as she took my hand. "You do know that if you leave me, I'm going to kill you and then take all your shoes right?" Zac laughed. "What? I'm just giving her an incentive. You know how she is on me borrowing them." Man, if I woke up, I was going to hide all my shoes. "And, you know that Tinsley will try to 'comfort' Joe, right?"

"Babe, you're not giving her an incentive to wake up," Zac said. "You're giving her a reason to kill you when she wakes up."

I didn't hear Vanessa's reply. They both got quiet then.

Beep. . beep. . beep. I stopped thinking of anything then, and waited for news of Joe.

♦♦♦♦♦♦

"I'm so sorry honey," my mom said through her stifled sobbed. I just lay back, staring at the ceiling. They didn't know if the baby was okay? How the hell could they not know?

"Where is Dani," I asked.

"She's in the room next door."

"Why don't they know about the baby yet?"

"She wasn't far enough along," my mom answered. "They need to do more tests. The ultrasounds don't show anything either way yet."

"More tests," I hissed, my frustration evident.

"I'll call the doctor," my mom said. "He'll want to know you're up."

She left the room as I continued to stare at the ceiling. More tests? That didn't mean the baby was gone, did it? And where was Dani? My mom had said she was okay – thankfully. If she hadn't been, I wouldn't know what to do. I would have lost all will to survive. My thoughts echoed to the car crash. It was all my fault. I should have just told her I had let the secret slip and we would have still been at Applebee's. Or, more possibly, we would have been home with her not talking to me, but still. We wouldn't have been in that car, on that street, in this situation.

"Ah you're up," the doctor came in. "Now if only Miss Touchstone has the same luck."

My eyes flew to my mom, who was looking at the ground. Was Dani not up yet? I felt my world shatter. Why wasn't she up yet? The impact of the crash had been on my side of the car. She shouldn't be as worse off as me. She should be up! I stared at the doctor, waiting for more information before I could demand to see her. "How is she?" He looked at my mom before turning back to me. He was obviously contemplating whether he should tell me. That couldn't be good. "How is she," I asked again through my teeth.

"She's – not good," he sighed. "The baby – complicates things. Even the possibility of losing the baby could have traumatized her enough to make her not want to wake up. She may have given up the fight already."

"Dani would never do that," I said. "She would keep fighting till the end."

"I hope so," he said. "But there isn't much we could do. Aside from that, she had a broken leg, a displaced shoulder, and a fractured skull. You're not as bad off, which is actually surprising." And for the first time, I looked at myself. I had no casts or slings. But I suddenly felt all the bruises on my body. It was sore. "You'll be good as new soon." I didn't even try to care. I was too busy thinking of Dani. A fractured skull? Suddenly, the possibility of her not making it crossed my mind. I felt my heart shatter. No, I thought. I would not live without her. She had to get better. "On a slightly more positive side," the doctor continued. "The baby is okay." My mother and I both sighed relief. But then, I remembered – it wouldn't matter if Dani didn't survive. Both the lives of her and the baby hanged in the balance and it was all riding on Dani.

"Can I see her," I asked.

The doctor shifted. "That's not exactly – advisable. It wouldn't be good for your health."

And then my world stopped, because in that moment, a single sound occupied our minds. Code Blue. Code Blue. Code Blue. And it was coming from the room next door. The doctor ran from the room, fading into a line of people rushing to the room next door. My breath stopped as I jumped out of my bed, taking out all the needles in me. Pain flew through me, but I didn't care. I needed to be in the room.

My mother followed me, her eyes pained. I knew she didn't want me to see this, but she didn't stop me. That was my family in there.