We Couldn't Change It If We Tried

"Oh Dani," Denise ran into my room. Her voice sounded broken, yet hopeful? There was an emotion there – one I couldn't really place. It was obvious she was crying. "Joe, and oh Dani, we need you. Please wake up."

She kissed my forehead, her tears falling on me. I noticed the emphasis on the need. There was only one reason she would be crying. She had just lost her son. I had lost the love of my life. My world shattered, my heart breaking. Joe was gone. The baby was gone. My will to live was gone. I stopped fighting and waited for whatever end.

Beep, beep, beep, beepbeepbeepbeepbeep. . . beep. . . . . . . . beep. . . . . . . . . . . . . beep.

It would come quickly now. Code Blue. Code Blue. Code Blue. I listened as people shuffled into the room, all their muffled voices shouting commands. It was too late though. I would be joining Joe soon enough.

I felt the shocks they were giving me. It was no use. You couldn't revive what didn't want to be revived. Yet the pain of each shock ran through me, making me wish the end would come that much closer. Finally, they stopped. My heart was quiet, yet the thoughts still came. I was still here, however barely. But I felt everything go cold. Everything wasn't as clear now. The pain was gone. The thoughts came more slowly. Suddenly, I realized, this was the end. There would be no more singing, no more fans, no more Nick, Kevin, Blair, Vanessa no more anything. The baby was gone, my life was going now too. And I didn't care. I was going with Joe. That was all I needed. I wanted to smile as the blackness covered me. "Time of death," I heard a voice say finally. "8:49 p."

"No," a too familiar voice shouted. I felt my heart jerk slightly. There was a commotion as someone ran to me. His lips found mine, pressing against them with as much force as he could muster. "Don't you dare leave me Danielle Marie. Fight this dammit. You can't leave me. I won't let you." But how? When Denise came in, I was sure he was gone. Yet here he was, very much alive, and crying? I felt his tears hit my face. His hands were suddenly on my chest, pumping it with all his might. It was no use. I was too far-gone. I had accomplished my goal – I was leaving this body, this earth, this life. But Joe was still here. I wouldn't be with him, wherever I was headed. He would have to bear this world without me now. I had lost. Then I felt his face close to me. His voice strained, pained, and low as he said, "Dani, baby, please. Don't leave me. Come back to me. I need you. I love you."

Beep. . . . . beep. . . beep. . .beep.

"Impossible," someone muttered, echoing my thoughts. I was still here, I realized as the coldness, the blackness left me. We were still here – together.

"That's my girl," he said. "Come on Dani. Fight this." And I did. For the first time since I found out Joe hadn't woken up yet, I fought to open my eyes, to gain control of my senses, of my body. Nothing. I was still locked in my own brain, unable to control any part of my body. "What's going on," he said, his voice panicked. "Why isn't she waking up?"

I felt something cold on my chest. "It seems," a masculine, unfamiliar voice said. Whoever it was opened my eyes, something bright irritating me. But I couldn't see. "She is still in a coma."

"But her heart," Joe began.

"Didn't fail," the voice finished. "But it didn't change her state. She's exactly how she was this morning."

"And the baby," Denise asked.

The baby? It was gone. Why was she asking? Didn't she know?

"The baby should be fine," the voice said. What? Did he say fine? Fine as in still alive? As in didn't die in the car crash that left me in a coma? How was this possible?

♦♦♦♦♦♦

I sent my mom home then. She seemed as if she'd been here for days. And I sat next to Dani's bed, my hand holding hers the whole time. I wondered… could she hear me? Was that how she had come back from practically being dead, which made me think. Had she somehow thought I was gone? Was that why she gave up for those few minutes? And if she could hear me then, could she heard me now? Leaning over her, I whispered, "Danielle? I don't know if you could hear me or not, but it's true. If you can't, then I just look stupid. But if you can hear me baby, then know that I love you so much. And that I need you to wake up for me. Can you do that? Can you open your eyes for me?" I looked at her peaceful face, waiting for some response. Nothing.

I leaned back in my chair, still holding her hand. Again the tears came. Here was the girl I was in love with, the love of my life, the one I would do anything for. Here she was, lying lifelessly in the hospital bed. And here I was, holding her hand, helpless. I couldn't do anything. But I had to. I had to try something. Talking was supposed to help people in comas right? I thought I read that somewhere. I decided to give it a try.

"Hey Dani. It's um, its Joe, in case you didn't know," I felt pretty foolish, but if it helped, I'd even dress up as a clown and dance around until I fell. "So a lot has happened lately. Um, I woke up this morning. And you seriously scared the living bajeezes out of me. I mean, giving up like that? Are you crazy? Even if something had happened to me, which is what I think you thought and the reason you gave up, which was really dumb of you, I forbid you to give up again. If anything ever happens to me, you have to go living. So none of this sacrifice crap, got it? Cause if we both end up in heaven at the same time, and you're only there because you followed me up, I'm not talking to you anymore. And you know I can hold a grudge. I'm no sissy like Nick. Nick, man, there's a funny kid. You know, he called me to tell me about how many get well soon presents we got. My mom said no one was allowed to come here for a while, give us time alone, and all that. So he called me. But yeah, so there are presents shooting up the freaking chimney, our house is so full. My dad put a few at your house too, because all of yours were sent to our house for some reason. People actually sent cribs and other baby stuff. Can you believe it? With our near death experience, people are taking a quick liking to this baby thing. Kevin and Blair got a crib too. Isn't that crazy? Man, Dani, I love you. You really need to wake up. I need you here with me." I sighed. There was no response. She was as still and peaceful as she had been before my rant. I decided to try something else.

"The first time
That I see your eyes
Then I'm outta sight
The last night
Girl you broke my heart
But I don't care alot
Cause I won't
Won't let go
Won't let," I sang our song.

"I just won't let you go
My heart is seperable
Won't let you go
Oh yeah

I just won't
Love you yeah
Love you girl
This time

I just won't let you go
My heart is seperable
Won't let you go
Oh yeah," I finished.

Again, there was no response. I decided to try a different song. I picked her favorite song.

"Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then
I went to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
You were my toy but I could be the boy you adore
If you'd just let me know
Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
I need you, more than anyone, baby
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart."

Still, nothing. I sighed, leaning down to gently kiss her. I bowed my head down, resting my forehead on the side of her bed, her cold, lifeless hand still in mine. Then, ever so gently, that I wasn't even sure it happened, her hand stirred.