We Couldn't Change It If We Tried

"Dani, this is getting crazy," I said after the second day of sitting in this room. It was driving me insane. It wasn't that I was alone with Dani – that part I actually liked. It was this room. Being stuck here, not being allowed out. I felt like a prisoner. I had to get out. I really needed a drink right now. No Joe, I stopped myself. That's why you're in this mess in the first place. I just had to sit it out until these alcoholic thoughts left my mind. Easy, right? Wrong! I needed to get out of here.

"I know Joe," she sighed, looking up from her guitar. "But, you can do this. Think about it this way. It's been two days, and you haven't had anything to drink."

She sounded really tired. I felt so bad. I knew that Dani had gotten barely any sleep in the last few days. Blair, or one of my brothers would watch me for 2 hours while Dani slept, but then she'd be right back here. I knew she was just trying to be here for me, but it made me feel so guilty. She was suffering even more because of me again.

"Can I ask you something," I asked.

"Okay," she said guardedly. I knew she wouldn't want to here this question again, but I had to know the answer. It was killing me.

"Why are you still trying to help me," I asked quietly. I watched as her eyes tightened and she sighed. "I mean – why haven't you given up on my like everyone else?"

"No one's given up on you Joe," she said quietly.

"Nick has."

"No Joey," she put her hand on my arm. Just that small contact had me going crazy. I wanted to kiss her again – to be able to wrap my arms around her again. But I couldn't. Because I was a jerk off with no hope. Man, I really needed a drink right now. "Nick hasn't, and neither has anyone else. We all know you can pull through this Joe. We're all going to help you."

"But why," I asked again.

She sighed. "Because we – I love you – even if you did hurt me. And because you were my best friend and I loved you before I even realized I was in love with you. And you'll be my best friend long after this battle's done. Joe – helping you is just – something I have to do because I couldn't live if I didn't. I need you."

I stared at her, my guilt washing over me. Even as I listened to her words, and felt strangely happier than I've been in two months, I still needed a drink. I wanted a drink. No, that was wrong. I didn't want one. I needed one, maybe not as much as I needed Dani, but somewhere pretty close. And as that thought came into my head, I wanted to scream. How the hell could I need anything as much as I needed Dani?

"Dani," Blair came in. "You go get some sleep. I can take over and watch him."

"I don’t need to be watched," I pointed out.

They both looked at me like I was crazy. "Yes you do," Blair said. Dani cleared her throat. "Fine," Blair rolled her eyes. "I can just sit in here and read while you go sleep for a while."

"I don't really need to," Dani yawned involuntarily.

"Dani, really go," I said. "I'll be fine."

"Are you sure," she asked, still hesitant.

"I'm sure," I nodded. As much as I loved Dani, and appreciated her help, I couldn't stay here any more. And I knew I'd have an easier time getting away if Blair was watching me. "Go!"

She smiled and hugged me. "I'll be back in a few hours."

"More like in 6 hours," Blair said. "You're not allowed back in this room until," she looked at the clock. "7 pm. Now go to bed!"

"Yes mother," Dani rolled her eyes, leaving, mumbling about Blair's 'controlling' behavior.

Blair sighed and sat on the bed, staring at the door as her sister left. "She still really loves you, you know."

I stared at her. "I know," I said quietly, not sure where this was going.

"Look Joe," Blair turned to me. "I know you love my sister too. And I think you should know why she's doing this – I mean besides the being totally in love with you part."

"Why? I've been wondering why she even loves me anymore. I'm such a screw-up."

"Wow," Blair rolled her eyes. "Dani wasn't kidding about the self-loathing thing. Look – our mom's addiction was really hard on Dani. She was only 5 after all."

"I know," I said quietly.

"And I know she'll never admit it," Blair continued. "But I know she's always wondered what would have happened if we – she had tried harder. If she could have helped. And I've always tried to be that figure in her life -- the mother, you know? And I think I've accomplished filling Dani's heart with a mother's love as much as I could. But it isn't the same. And I know Dani acts like she doesn't care anymore when our mom relapses, but she does. It kills her every time. And I know it kills her every time you drink. She wants so badly to help you, but it's killing her because she can see all of her ideas aren't working."

I looked away. They weren't. I wanted to leave so badly and drink. But now I saw what Blair was trying to do. She had obviously figured my plan and was trying to guilt me into changing. But could I change?

"Just think about it," she sighed before her phone rang. "Hey Kevin? Haha, no. Stop that! Yeah, I can – no," she said, looking at me. "I'm with Joe right now. Yeah, Dani's sleeping. Okay, love you too, bye." I hated how she said it. It made me feel like a little kid – who needed to be babysat or something. I really needed to get out of here.

I waited patiently as Blair began to doze off. As soon as her eyes closed, I opened the door silently, and left. I couldn't be here anymore. I needed to go away – to save Dani from the pain I was causing her. I went to the only place I could think of.

"What can I get you," the man asked.

"The strongest stuff you've got," I sighed as he got me my drink. Here was to finding my solace.

>>>>

"Okay Blair, it's seven, and I'm all res--," I paused as I entered my room. Blair was fast asleep on my bed. And Joe was gone. "Blair, wake up." She sat up quickly. "Blair, where's Joe?"

She looked around the room, still groggy. "He was right – oh my gosh, Dani I'm so sorry! I can't believe I fell asleep."

Nick and Kevin came in. "Hey, we brought food," Kevin said, holding up a pizza box. They looked around the room, confused. "Where's Joe?"

"He snuck out while Blair was sleeping," I sighed.

"Dani, I am so sorry," Blair said.

I sighed again. "It's not your fault Blair." I turned to Kevin. "Can I borrow your keys again Kev?"

"No," Nick said.

"I wasn't aware that it was your choice Nicholas," I said coolly. Nick had been getting difficult with Joe's situation.

"No Dani," he said again, more firmly. "I'm not letting you go this time."

"Nick, he's not going to go get better if we don't help him," I reminded him.

"We have been helping him. It's obviously not working. Stop trying to help him. Your relationship is over with him can't you see that?"

"Nicholas," Kevin warned. I could tell from his tone that something was going on – something they both were hiding from me.

"Shut up Kevin," Nick said before turning back to me. "God, why don't you try getting over him? It could do you both some good."

"Okay," Kevin said, grabbing Blair's hand. "Time for us to go." They left quickly.

"I can't get over him," I said quietly.

"Why not," he asked, crossing his arms.

"Why," I repeated. "Hm – I don't know Nick. Maybe because I love him. And he loves me. I know he does."

"I do too," Nick said quietly, looking at the ground.

"W-w-what," I stammered out, finally realizing Kevin must have known about this. This was definitely unexpected. "Oh Nick. I love you too, but I don't love you like that. Besides, I love Joe. I really, truly do."

"But he cheated on you," Nick said, moving closer to me. "I could treat you so much better." He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me to him. I froze, shocked at what was happening as Nick's lips met mine softly. When he pulled away, he asked, "Did you feel anything?"

"Sorry," I shook my head. I put my hand on his cheek. "Nick, I know he cheated on me, and I know you'd treat me right, but I just don't like you like that. I love Joe. And even if he hurt me, I'm still pretty crazy about him. He's – my everything. You're really great Nicholas, you are, but I'm sorry. I can't just forget about Joe."

He pulled away slowly and sighed. "I understand," he smiled at me weakly. "It was worth a try though. But still Dani, I don't think you should go after him."

"I'm not giving up on him," I said firmly.

"Either am I," he said.

"Sure as hell sounds like you are. And this has nothing to do with you trying to win me over," I asked bitterly.

"Dani," he sighed. "Despite my feelings for you, Joe's my brother. Of course I want to help him. This isn't about that. But can't you see? This isn't working. And it's not because Joe's weak, or can't do it. It's because as much as he says he does, he doesn't want to." I just stared at Nick, wondering if I should just bind him and lock him in the closet. But as much as I wanted to shut him up and go get Joe, I couldn't deny that his logic was working on me. He could tell it was too because then he continued. "He won't get better until he realizes it's what he wants. And the only way to get him to do that is to not go running after him every time he slips. Let him work it out this once and maybe he'll finally realize that he can do it, and we're here to help."

I sighed. "But what if he doesn't? What if by not going to get him, we make him think he's alone in this, and then he'll drink more. What if it doesn't work?"

"Then we won't try it again," Nick shrugged.

>>>>>

"Dani baby," Joe slurred as he slammed the door shut.

Nick had long since gone home, leaving me to wait for Joe myself. "Joe," I said, coming down the stairs. I flung my arms around him; happy to see he had finally come back. But then I quickly stepped back, smelling the alcohol all around him. "Joe," I said again, my tone disappointed. "How could you?"

"Oh don't be like that," he smiled drunkenly at me. "Not when I came back to see you." He wrapped his arms around my waist.

I tried to pull back, but couldn't. "Joe, let go."

"Dani," he groaned, pulling me closer. "I've missed you so much. I just need to be with you baby."

"Stop it," I said, trying to wiggle my way out of his grip. His lips went to my throat. "What are you doing? Stop."

"Shh Dani," he said against my neck, his hands trailing down my back to the bottom of my shirt. "It's okay."

"No Joe," I grabbed his hands. "Stop it!"

"You never stopped me before," his voice came out harsh. "What's so different this time? Don’t you love me baby?"

"You're drunk," I snapped, trying to still pull away. Finally, I pushed his chest as hard as I could, getting him to stagger back. "You know what Joe? I'm done."

"Baby no," he begged. "I'm so sorry. I love you."

"No you don't," I said. Every word out of my mouth snapped my heart into two. "All you love is that crap you put into your body. You don't love me. If you did, you wouldn't have snuck out to go have that poison you so desperately need. Well you know what Joe? I hope you two are very happy together, because I am done trying to help you." I walked over to the door, opening it for him to leave.

"Dani," he said, his eyes pleading. "I'm so sorry. Please – don't give up on me. I – I need you."

I couldn't take it anymore. Leaving the door open, leaving Joe staring after me, I walked up the stairs. Tears brimmed in my eyes before I even made it to my room. I listened for the door close downstairs before I buried my head in my pillow, letting the tears finally come.